Chapter Thirty-Two Lily
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Lily
I ’m running on autopilot as Lorenzo and I walk through the crowd forming around us, my cheeks hurting from how hard I am smiling. I’m overwhelmed by how enthusiastic everyone is, and after the tenth iteration of “Congratulations,” I’m ready to go home.
Lorenzo’s arm remains a steel band around my waist, and while I enjoy his possessive hold, I’m also uncomfortably aware it wouldn’t be there if not for the two hundred people surrounding us.
I’ve seen my mom have plenty of panic attacks over the course of my life, and I’ve had my fair share of anxious moments, but none of it compares to the way I feel right now.
I can’t force enough air into my lungs. I try to breathe—try to calm the rapid beat of my heart by counting each inhale. When someone makes a joke, I laugh, but it comes out hollow.
The sound seems to gain Lorenzo’s attention, and he excuses us before carting me away toward the private room where Julian and Dahlia were waiting earlier.
Oh God. The reminder of my family hits me like a gut punch, and I reach for my stomach.
“Are you going to be sick?” Lorenzo asks, panic bleeding into his question.
“Maybe.” If not physically, then for sure mentally, because what did I agree to?
How did I end up being fake engaged to a guy I’m interested in, and how are we ever supposed to have a real chance at a relationship if half of it has been built on lies?
One second I’m bent over, and the next Lorenzo is lifting me into his arms and carrying me to the couch. I expect him to deposit me on it, but he takes a seat and cradles me in his arms. My thighs drape across his lap, and my dress poofs around us.
Being taken care of…being held in his arms like I matter…
I feel like I’m being torn in two directions, my heart splitting down the center as Lorenzo cradles me to his chest. Part of me cherishes this kind of connection after spending so long wishing for it while the other is terrified by it.
Terrified of him and how he is making me feel again.
“Are we going to talk about what happened out there?” he asks, tilting my body back so I have no choice but to look up at him.
“Is there a point? The damage is done.” I hold up my left hand to show off the most beautiful diamond engagement ring ever to exist. It’s difficult to look at it, knowing this ring is absolutely perfect and nothing will ever compare.
His brows furrow. “I thought this is what you wanted.”
“It was.”
“What changed?”
My heart is stuck in my throat, the beats growing with intensity as I consider whether to open up to him about my feelings.
If you don’t, you’ll keep going around in circles for the next three and a half months.
But if I do, there is a chance Lorenzo will shut down again, although this time it’ll be worse because he can’t run away. I’ll be stuck with him, pretending to be a happy couple while dying inside.
I’m not sure what scenario I hate more, but I guess I’m about to find out.
“I wanted more for us,” I say, choosing the path that could end with more heartache.
He tenses underneath me, the reaction tempting me to shut my mouth and never open it again, but no, I need to see this through until the very end.
“Lily,” he drawls, a warning if I’ve ever heard one.
My shoulders feel heavy, the weight of my poor choices stacking on top of them like invisible bricks.
“When we started this process, I thought there was no way in hell I’d give you another chance, and we both know you wouldn’t want one either, so I didn’t think there was much of a risk while faking it for the public.
But the more time we spent together, the more I started looking forward to it. ”
I can’t handle his blank stare, so I look away. “I wanted to hate you. I really did. But you’re so damn…”
“Charming?” He cracks a smile.
“ Annoying and persistent and so damn hard to dislike, especially when you open up to me because you don’t trust anyone .”
The timing between his breaths becomes smaller, and I press my hand against his heart to find it rapidly beating beneath my palm.
“Tell me I’m not alone in this,” I demand, my voice strained. “Tell me you want me, that you feel this same, undeniable pull toward me, even if you’re determined to not act on it.”
He stares at me with that dark, brooding gaze of his. “I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Does it matter? Because either way, you’re right. I won’t act on it.”
“Why not?” I want to shake him around. “Give me a good reason.”
“Because I’ll never be able to give you what you want. I can’t . I’m incapable of loving someone else, and if anyone deserves the happy ending they want, it’s you.”
It feels like he’s carving me open with every heartbreaking sentence that pours out of his mouth.
“How would you know if you haven’t even tried?”
“Because people like me—people like my father—we don’t love. We don’t know how to. Instead we obsess, to the point of making ourselves sick over someone else.” He teases the chain of my bracelet, and goose bumps spread up my arm from a simple brush of his thumb across my pulse point.
“Love is obsession. They go hand in hand.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Love is good. It’s pure . What goes on in my head…it’s the complete opposite.”
“Like?”
He laughs. “I’m not going to tell you.”
“What do you have to lose? If your thoughts are so bad…if they’re truly as awful as you say they are, shouldn’t it scare me away for good?”
The corded muscles in his neck strain, and his fingers dig into the fabric of the couch.
“I think you don’t want to tell me because what if I end up liking it?” I drag my hand up his lapel, noting how his breathing changes from my touch alone.
“What if I want to be obsessed over?” I lean forward and press my mouth to his ear. “What if I want to be possessed ?”
I swear to God, Lorenzo trembles . The seams of the couch split from how hard his fingers are digging into the material.
I kiss the shell of his ear. “Because if you refuse to give me that, then I’ll find someone who will.”
His hand snaps up and wraps around the back of my neck, his firm hold sending a pulsing sensation through my lower half. “Stop.”
“Why? I’m talking out scenarios with you since you’re so invested in me getting my happily-ever-after and all.”
Within a blink of an eye, Lorenzo flips us until my back is pressed against the couch and he’s hovering over me. He keeps most of his weight off me, which is thoughtful, but I want more.
“You don’t talk about other men while wearing my ring.”
“Let me solve that problem, then.” I reach to remove it, but he grabs both my hands and pins them above my head.
“Take that ring off and I’ll superglue it to your finger.”
“Sounds a bit drastic for a three-month engagement, don’t you think?”
The strained sound that comes out of his mouth sends a wave of arousal through me that is so strong, I end up squirming underneath him. My eyes go round, and he hisses through gritted teeth when I accidentally rub up against his erection.
Because I can’t resist, I repeat the move, this time making Lorenzo groan. “Who knew the topic of me getting with another man would make you so hot and bothered?”
Something visibly snaps behind his eyes, and the beast I was taunting?
He finally decides to reveal himself, and I instantly go from being the predator to becoming the prey.