Chapter 03
It’s funny how time really does fly. Work keeps me busy and before I know it, the day has arrived. I spend an hour digging through clothes, searching for something nice to wear. When I left Toronto, I packed only my comfiest clothes and go-to’s. Enough shirts, pants, and underwear that I would have things to wear, even if I’ve never really loved them. Ethan always wanted me to dress girly. He would have loved it if I wore frilly dresses every day or at least had more bright colours in my closet. But that was never me. I compromised with some cool colours and basics in black. He couldn’t get mad because they were well made and in classic styles.
But really, what I wanted to wear was something edgier. Something fun but dark. If I had to describe my style, I’d call it preppy goth. Long, black dresses. Heavy eye makeup. Black jeans and black tops, accessorizing with pops of colour. Since moving to Victoria, I’ve gone to a few thrift stores and have found some pieces I really like.
In the end, I choose a black velvet dress with long lace sleeves. I add a bold silver belt and pair it with red flats with little bows at the toes. I take extra time with my makeup, making sure my eyeliner is perfect. Putting on makeup is something I love doing, but was another thing Ethan shamed me for, so I stopped. I love the creativity it gives me. Love that it’s another way to express myself. It’s something that, once upon a time, I thought I could do as a career. My mother made sure to snuff that out immediately and pushed me into a business degree.
I apply my favourite shade of red lipstick, put in some silver and black art deco earrings I found during my last visit to the thrift store, and tuck my hair behind my ears. I run my eyes over myself in the mirror.
“Wow,“
I breathe. “This is me.“
A bubble of laughter escapes my lips. For once, I finally look like me. No mother telling me to dress nicely. No boyfriend telling me to look the part of his girlfriend. Just me looking like I want and doing something that excites me.
I know my style isn’t for everyone, and I hope I’m not judged for my look today. I was shamed so much for expressing myself that I learned to blend in rather than be me. It’s difficult to let go of that line of thinking. Old habits die hard and all that. But I realize now it doesn’t matter what my mother or ex thought of me. They’re no longer in my life for a reason.
I leave my apartment filled with excitement. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Probably not since I moved out of my mother’s house for university. I was free there, but too busy with schoolwork to really appreciate it. And then I met Ethan.
My car starts, barely, but it chugs along for the ten-minute drive from my downtown apartment to Government House where I was told to go for our photoshoot.
It’s a gorgeous day in May. Birds are singing, flowers are beginning to bloom, and the sun is shining. It’s perfect for an outdoor photography session.
Sadie’s instructions said to meet at the Bruce Pavillion, so after checking the map on my phone, I take the path that leads me there. When the pavilion comes into view, a beautiful structure of iron and glass, I immediately see a woman who I recognize as Sadie from my internet stalking. I followed her on social media as soon as I sent off my application, and when I was accepted, I went down a rabbit hole of her work. I read every post and all the comments, deciphering how she spoke to people, how those she worked with spoke of her. It helped calm my nerves. She seems genuinely nice, and her past clients sound like they had a great experience.
On the other side of Sadie is a trifold screen. I can see feet shuffling underneath the screen and my heartrate picks up. Behind that screen is my adventure.
“Ella?“
Sadie calls out. She puts her hand up to her forehead to block out the sun. “You’re Ella, right?”
“Yes, that’s me,“
I say, taking in the splashes of colour from the flowers in bloom and the cheery spring scenes surrounding us. “Am I dressed okay? I’m not sure my vibe matches the gardens.”
Sadie tilts her head to the side and smiles. “Ella, you look absolutely perfect. Gorgeous. You’re glowing. I cannot wait to photograph you.”
“Really?“
My brows pull in. “Are you sure?”
“I really love your dress, Ella,“
Sadie says, interrupting my thoughts. “The velvet is so luxurious, and paired with the lace and your colouring? And the way you did your eyes?“
She whistles. “You’re a showstopper.”
I suck in a breath. No one has ever said that about me. “You really think so? I’m dressed wildly different than what most people would wear to a photoshoot in a garden.”
“Girl, if everyone dressed the same and talked the same and acted the same, life would be pretty fucking boring,“
Sadie replies.
A laugh bursts out of me.
“Seriously, Ella. Beautiful.”
The light and pure excitement I see in Sadie’s eyes put me at rest. She sees me. She didn’t sneer at my clothes, she found beauty in it. In me.
“So, to get us started, I’m going to have you come stand right over here.“
Sadie waves me over to the screen. “Your partner for today’s session is on the other side. I’ll get you both to close your eyes then I’ll move the screen, but please keep your eyes closed. You’ll stand back-to-back and turn around when I give you the go ahead. Sound good?”
I nod and Sadie peeks around the other side. I close my eyes and a few seconds later I hear Sadie folding up and dragging the screen away.
“Okay, you come here.“
Sadie pulls on my hand, and I shuffle to where she wants me. “Perfect. Now, you go here.“
I hear shoes scuffling behind me. I rub my palms on my dress.
“I want you to reach back a bit and find each other’s hands.”
Soft skin touches the tops of my hands. Fingernails draw patterns against my skin. I open my fingers and allow her quiet, slow exploration. After a moment, she links our hands together and I give her a gentle squeeze.
I have no clues about who this person is other than the sliver of high heels I spotted under the screen, the softness of skin, and what feels like properly manicured fingernails. I’m guessing it’s a woman, which sends a thrill through me. I haven’t been with a woman since my first year of university. Yes, I flirt with Tracy at the diner, but I haven’t touched her. Haven’t been closer than my arm grazing her sleeve as I pass her a meal.
“Alright, I’ll count down from three and you’ll both turn around at the same time. Three.”
I suck in a breath, hold it, and slowly release it.
“Two.”
I gulp.
“One.”
We let go of one hand and turn together, like we’re doing a waltz. I keep my eyes closed, not quite ready to see her.
“Like Sadie said,“
says a voice so soft and light I wonder for a moment if I died and she’s an angel. “You’re beautiful. I’m Valerie.“
She squeezes my hand and my eyes pop open.
“Hi Valerie,“
I squeak, aware of my face reddening. “I’m Ella.”
Valerie’s blue eyes hold my brown ones. Her pink, glossy lips tip up in a smile so devastating my knees go weak.
She has long blonde hair that looks like poured sunlight. An angel indeed. It’s straight, not a single piece out of place or floating around like my hair. She’s shorter than me, but her heels bring her closer to my height. She’s slim and lean, whereas I’m tall for a woman and more muscular.
She’s wearing bright pink high-waisted trousers with a light pink blouse. The large bow at the collar is whimsical and fun, while the brightness of the hot pink pants give her Barbie vibes. She’s a mix of girlie and girl boss. She’s everything Ethan wanted me to be, and that makes me immediately wary of her.
I lick my lips and force my eyes to hold hers. I expect a look of disgust on her face, but instead I’m met with a look of open desire. I blink, assuming I read her wrong and bring my gaze over to Sadie.
“I knew you two would look wonderful together.“
Sadie claps and picks up her camera.
I study our outfits. We’re so different. She’s girl boss Barbie and I’m goth emo discount knock-off doll. I have no idea what Sadie is talking about.
“Let’s take a few test shots so you can see what I see, ‘k?“
Sadie suggests. “I think you’re going to love them.”
Sadie has us sit on one of the benches in the pavilion. She talks to us about angles, has us move our bodies slightly, then again. She takes her time setting us up, and I think part of it is to get us used to being near each other.
I sit stiffly for the first few photos, but eventually I start to relax. Over time, our bodies get closer, my smile isn’t as forced.
“Tell me about yourself,“
Valerie says while Sadie fiddles with the camera settings.
My shoulders tense at her words. “What do you want to know?”
She rolls her lips and all of my attention is drawn to the corner of her mouth, at one specific crease in her bottom lip. How it pulls as she moves her mouth, how it changes as she speaks.
“Are you from here?”
I shake my head. “No. I just moved here actually. Well, in the fall. I’m from Toronto.”
Her eyes light up. “Really? What made you come all the way out here?”
“Hmm,“
I hum, my eyes darting around, taking in the gardens. I haven’t quite figured out how to answer this question when people ask. “I needed a change. I needed a place I could find myself.”
“And do you think you’ve found it?”
I watch as her delicate fingers smooth out a wrinkle in my dress just above my knee, her pink nails scraping against the velvet.
“Maybe.“
I shrug. “I’m closer to being me here than I ever was in Ontario.”
“Well, from where I’m sitting, B.C. is a good look on you,“
Valerie says with a wink.
Is she actually flirting with me? My eyes flit over her face. I think this is for real flirting and not just trying to loosen me up for the photoshoot.
“Are you from here?” I ask.
“Sure am. Born and raised. I’ve been lucky enough to travel in the past few years. The world is a beautiful place, but I’m always happiest here at home.”
“Do you travel for work?“
I take in her outfit again. She definitely looks like she would fit into the corporate world.
A small smile graces her face. “Mostly, yes. I’ve gone on vacations, but lately it’s been for work.”
I’m about to ask what she does when Sadie bounces over to us. “I have to show you these!”
Sadie turns her camera around to show us the screen. My jaw drops and nonsensical sounds come out. She must have just taken this photo. Valerie is smiling and I’m looking at her in awe.
"Beautiful, right?" Sadie turns the camera around again and fiddles with the dials.
"Yeah," I say softly, still shocked by how good we look.
“So, Ella, are you convinced yet?“
Valerie asks.
“Convinced to stay for the shoot?”
She shakes her head. “No, convinced that you’re beautiful.”
My cheeks heat and I look down, studying the bricks of the pavilion floor. “You are a shameless flirt.”
She giggles. “Can’t help it around beautiful women.“
Valerie bumps her shoulder into mine.
Sadie watches us with a smirk. “I thought we’d walk around, visit other areas. There are small gardens throughout the property that I think would be gorgeous for your pictures. I’ll also take some casual, candid shots as we walk. Get a nice variety of natural and posed. Sound good?”
They both look to me and I nod. True to her word, Sadie leads us to another garden, taking pictures as we walk. She has us sit on benches, stand under arbors, and dip our hands in a fountain. By the time we’ve made it to the third garden area, I’ve loosened up enough that I’m touching Valerie. Holding her hand, hugging her, trailing my fingers down her cheek. Sadie gives words of encouragement as she goes, adjusting our poses every once in a while, but mostly just letting us do whatever feels natural.
Sadie stops us in front of some rose bushes with early blooms coming out. Valerie holds a flower out to me and I lean in to smell it. I hear the click of the camera but ignore it when she traces the flower’s petals against my lips.
Valerie takes my hands and we twirl each other around, laughing as we perform a dance move neither of us is graceful enough to pull off. She wraps an arm around my waist and spins me around. We’re laughing so hard that I stumble, causing both of us to lose our balance. She grabs hold of me and pulls my body flush against hers, stopping me just in time before I collide with the rose bush, its pointy thorns waiting for me to tumble into them.
We’re both breathing hard, our faces inches apart from each other.
“That was close,“
she whispers.
“Thank you for saving me,“
I whisper back.
She looks at my lips for a second before looking back into my eyes. Just when I think she might kiss me, she leans up and presses her lips against my forehead. It’s not quite what I was hoping for, but I sigh in contentment all the same. Maybe it wasn’t what I wanted, but it’s what I needed. This kiss isn’t about sex or lust, this kiss feels more intimate. Like I’m special and she likes me, not just what my body can give her.
It's been a very, very long time since someone has made me feel special. I didn’t realize until this very second that I was starving for it. Valerie has given me more in an hour than Ethan gave me in five years.
“Anyone up for splashing around in a pond?“
Sadie asks, her voice eager.
I grin and Valerie grins back.
“Yes!”
When we get to the duck pond, Valerie rolls up her pant legs and I hold up my dress. We leave our shoes at the water’s edge and run into the water. We don’t go far, Valerie could only roll her pants up so high, but we have fun. We kick at the water, chase each other around, and laugh. I haven’t laughed this hard since I was a teenager. It doesn’t take long before we’re soaked and Sadie is calling us out of the water. She shows us some shots, stopping on her favourite ones to explain why she likes them and how she might edit the images.
But what I see is how happy I look. I’m smiling a real smile in all the photos. Apart from the beginning when I was still uncertain, I look loose and relaxed. Content. And Valerie? She’s shining like the angel I swear she is.
Sadie tells us when we can expect photos from her, explaining her editing process a bit.
“Thank you two for allowing me to photograph you,“
Sadie says, holding our hands. “I knew you would be beautiful together, and I was right. Your chemistry was off the charts. And that dress, Ella? It was made for you and meant to be photographed in. Stunning, absolutely stunning.”
I blush again at her words, so unused to hearing these kinds of things said about me and my style.
We walk together to the parking lot, chatting easily as we go. Sadie tells us where she’s heading to next. I tell them about the diner, and how I’m glad Kira was able to give me today and tomorrow off. Valerie doesn’t chime in with her own work stories but does tell us about Victoria, giving us a little history lesson about the grounds we’re currently walking.
When we reach the cars, we stand around Sadie’s for another ten minutes, none of us in a rush to leave. Finally, Sadie says, “I better get going. Need some food and rest before I head out tomorrow morning. Flight leaves nice and early. I’ll be in touch. Enjoy the rest of your day.“
Sadie gives us a hug and then leaves, climbing into her rental car.
“Well,“
I say, breaking the silence. “I guess I should get home too. I’m really glad we met.”
“Me too.“
Valerie’s eyes flick down to my lips. “Really glad. Maybe we’ll see each other around?”
I look from her outfit to mine, knowing full well that we live in separate worlds. It may have been fun to pretend for an afternoon, but in the real world, girl boss Barbie and goth emo discount knock-off doll don’t actually get to hang out.
“Maybe. Bye, Valerie.”
I wait until she gets into her own car before I start mine.
Except nothing happens. No sounds. No engine struggling to start. Nothing.
Fuck. Shit. Fucking shit, you piece of shit car. Not now. Please not now. Just get me home.
I try again. Nada. “It’s because I said I was going to get rid of you, isn’t it?“
I ask the car.
Delicate knocking at my window stops me from saying anything else to this metal junk heap.
“Car problems?“
Valerie asks through the glass.
“Yeah, car problems,“
I sigh. “It’s been struggling lately, but it always starts. This time though . . .“
I trail off and try again. “Know of any good tow companies? And garages?”
I can’t afford to fix this car. I know that. Looks like my plan of getting rid of this car and saving up for a decent one got moved up. Maybe I’ll get it towed to a junkyard instead of a shop.
I grab my phone and climb out of the car, intent on finding a good, but cheap, tow truck, only to see Valerie already on her phone. She ends the call and smiles at me.
“All done. They’ll be here soon.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “You called a tow truck for me? Where are they bringing my car? How much is it? Will they give me a ride home?”
She steps into my space and rests her hands on my shoulders. “He’ll take it wherever you want. If you don’t know which shop you want it to go to, he’ll give you some options.”
I sigh. “I think it’s best if I accept that there’s no bringing this car back to life. It brought me to this city, which is all I needed it for.”
“As for giving you a ride home, what if I did? Maybe we can have dinner first?“
Valerie says, her voice pitching up at the end like she’s nervous.
I pull at my dress. “I’m still wet with pond water.”
“Ugh, me too. I live really close,“
she says. “Come over to my house. I can loan you some clothes while I wash yours. We can order take out.”
A hundred excuses and reasons to say no run through my mind. But fuck it, I need to start saying yes to things and doing what I want. I no longer have to worry about upsetting someone else or looking like someone else’s ideal woman. I’m living my life.
“Yes. Let’s go.”