Chapter Five
Toby
Everything hurt and I was going to die.
Truly, I had never been in so much pain, not even after the gruelling twelve-hour rehearsals we’d been put through before every Underground Dreaming tour.
Every inch of my body felt exhausted and sore, and I was pretty sure I’d discovered muscles I’d never realised I had before, because certain parts of me had no right to ache as much as they did.
We’d done two days of training so far and I still had one more to get through this week.
At this point I was glad Malcolm had talked me out of doing the main show because seven hours of training, five days a week, would have ended me. I knew I hadn’t been to the gym in a while, but I was starting to doubt whether that would have changed anything.
“Poor chicken,” Mrs Nolan said, her head appearing around the door of the sitting room where I was lying face down on the sofa, my feet hanging off the end. “Is it that bad?”
“No,” I said as I turned my head slightly so she could hear me. “It’s fun. I think.”
“I’ve heard that Nico is quite the bossy taskmaster. Is he cracking the whip?”
“Sort of, but he’s very polite about it. His favourite phrase seems to be ‘do it again.’ That and ‘shoulders.’ Oh and ‘toes.’ Apparently, I have very bad toes. And I slouch.”
I half expected Nico to appear with a broom or stick or something and strap it to my shoulders or stick me in some sort of contraption that would keep my spine straight. Perhaps I’d been watching too many movies because I kept expecting Nico to turn into a ruthless, pitiless Russian ballet teacher.
All he actually did was frown, correct me, and make me do it again until I reached some level that seemed to satisfy him. Then he’d just say “good” or “better” and move on. Sometimes he smiled, though.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it. Do you want me to make you some more biscuits for Thursday?”
“Please. I would love that.”
She chuckled softly. How I’d come to have someone as fabulous as Mrs Nolan in my life was a question without an answer. At least, not a literal one.
When I’d moved back to London after Underground Dreaming had split up, I’d known from the start I’d need someone to look after me.
I hadn’t really had a clue about how to hire a housekeeper, so I’d turned to the internet and one simple search had pulled up multiple agencies and companies all offering household staff.
After a bit of reading, I’d emailed one of them and they had ever so helpfully connected me with Mrs Nolan, who, when she’d turned up at her interview, had taken one look at the state of my kitchen and said, “I’ll start tomorrow.”
I hadn’t said no.
And she had been a beacon of light in my life ever since.
She had short greying hair and a pair of pink and green glasses permanently perched on the end of her nose.
In the winter she always wore the most wonderful, brightly coloured knitted jumpers which she made herself, and there didn’t seem to be a craft in the world she couldn’t do.
Some of my most treasured possessions were the jumpers she’d made me for the last few Christmases, which were soft and cosy and my favourite things to snuggle up in.
She made them for all her grandchildren, and it seemed like I’d been adopted by default, which I adored because I’d never had that sort of relationship with any of my actual grandparents.
In return, I always gave her a sizeable Christmas bonus and a very nice present, usually something I knew she wanted but would never buy herself because she deemed it unnecessary.
“Any requests or would you like more shortbread?” she asked.
“Can we have gingerbread, please? If it’s not too tricky or time-consuming.” Nico had said something about gingerbread when he was talking me through our routine, but I hadn’t really been listening as I’d been too busy focusing on my toes.
“I suppose,” she said. “But I’m not making Christmas shapes. It’s only November.”
“I will take whatever you make,” I said, letting out a pained sigh as I tried to move. “Oh! I get a few tickets for the taping. I’m inviting the rest of the boys, if they’re around, but would you like to come too? It’s on Thursday the third of December.”
“Are you sure, love? Isn’t there anyone else you’d rather invite?”
“Of course not,” I said, finally heaving myself up into a seated position. “You don’t have to come, obviously, but the offer is there if you’d like it. You could wear your snazziest Christmas jumper.”
“Thank you. I’ll check my diary but I’m sure that’ll be fine. I do want to meet that fabulous young man whipping you into shape.”
I laughed. “You just want to look at his bum.”
“He has a very nice bum,” Mrs Nolan said, patting the doorframe and turning to head back to the kitchen. “And so will you if you keep up the hard work.”
“My bum might have fallen off by that point,” I called.
It certainly felt like it would have.
But talking to Mrs Nolan about the taping had reminded me I needed to ask the rest of the boys if they could make it.
I highly doubted all four of them would be free on a Thursday afternoon in December, especially because I knew André was in a big London panto this Christmas and I had a sneaking suspicion that was their opening week and that they did matinees.
I also had a nagging feeling in the back of my head that Kane was off shooting somewhere because he’d mentioned being in Scotland.
Wiggling my phone out of my pocket, I opened our group chat and fired off a message.
Toby
I have survived two days of training and now I’m exhausted! Dancing is much harder than I realised!
Toby
Nico keeps telling me to point my toes and straighten my spine. He’s a hard taskmaster but I’m determined to make him like me!
Toby
Also, if you’re free on 3rd Dec come and see the result of my suffering live. I have tickets available for the taping. If not you’ll have to wait until Christmas Day (because I’m sure none of you will have better things to do than watch me) ;P
I didn’t know what I’d be doing for Christmas because I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
I supposed I could get a ticket out to Spain to visit my parents, who’d emigrated there nine years ago.
We weren’t close because we had nothing in common, and we’d fallen into a relationship where we were more casual acquaintances than anything.
Most years I ended up in Wales at Dai’s house because his family viewed Christmas as a more the merrier type of affair, and his parents had always included whichever of us wanted to go, no questions asked.
Dai had stopped formally inviting us now and just assumed we’d be there unless we said otherwise.
When I’d told Nico we’d come out of our boy band days with our friendship intact, I’d meant it. Yes, we’d needed time apart from each other at first—that was only natural since we’d spent so long in each other’s pockets—but in the past few years our bond had become stronger than ever.
We were more than friends, really. We were family. We argued, we made up, we knew far too much about each other, and we’d always be there for whichever of us needed help, no matter what.
Although our history of good dating advice was slim.
André
Shit, I’m so sorry I can’t make it =( I have panto that day. I can try and get it covered though.
Toby
Absolutely not, you don’t have to do that. You just have to watch on Christmas Day instead
André
Are you sure? I don’t want to disappoint you
Toby
You won’t, I promise! Besides, I knew it was short notice so that’s absolutely on me
Because I’d been told about the tickets weeks ago and had forgotten to do anything about them until today, when I’d gotten an email asking for the names of my guests.
André
I’ll make sure I watch it on Christmas Day—I have the day off so I’ll make sure we’re seated.
Toby
Thank you! I want your full opinion.
Dai
I can make it! I’ll make sure I wear sequins too. Haru will come with me.
Haru
Will I?
Dai
Obviously. You’ve got nothing better to do
I snorted then whined because that pulled at my abs. I really hoped the pain would ease as I got a bit fitter over the next few weeks and my body got used to the training.
Perhaps it would be worth finding something like a Pilates or a yoga class, though, to stretch me out. If not, there were videos on YouTube I could follow along at home. At least then nobody would see me falling over with all the grace of a drunken squirrel.
Haru
I’ll be there then. Can’t wait
Dai
How’s the training going?
Toby
Parts of me hurt that shouldn’t
Dai
Just remember you volunteered for this
Haru
Is it as bad as the rehearsals for the last tour?
Toby
Worse!!!
Dai
Are you as bad a dancer as Kane in Llewelyn?
Kane
Excuse me, wanker. I’m an excellent dancer. It’s Henry that sucks
Kane
Bless him
I bit back a chuckle as I remembered all Kane’s horror stories about learning to dance for his steamy, regency romance TV show, Llewelyn.
According to him, the steps weren’t difficult, it was the fact his partner—the Hollywood superstar Henry Lu—had no sense of direction and kept treading on his feet.
At least I wasn’t that bad.
I didn’t want to imagine Nico’s reaction if I was.
Toby
I haven’t stood on Nico’s toes yet
Kane
Then you’re doing better than Henry
Kane
I’ll try and make 3rd. Should be done with reshoots by then. When do you need to know by?
Toby
Ideally? Yesterday haha
Kane
Put me down for one and if not, I’ll let you know
I debated telling him that he could send his husband, Austin, instead but decided against it because I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about Mrs Nolan meeting Austin.
Not because I didn’t think she’d approve.
I was more worried that they’d get on too well because Austin was a charming bastard.
Although it would give Mrs Nolan a good story to tell her stitch and bitch group.
After all, it wasn’t every day you met a highly successful gay porn star. Especially not one who was married to a former boy band icon turned actor, who most of them had seen naked on TV.
Kane
Also, I say this with love, but don’t try and force Nico to be friends with you. Just be yourself and he’ll fall in love with you that way. It’s what we all did.
Haru
Agreed, just be the Toby we all love.
André
Our Toby, the real Toby, not popstar Toby.
Dai
The Toby who got really fuckin wasted at Kane’s wedding and got hit in the face with snowballs
Toby
Those were LOW blows! I was an easy target!
I still resented Dai and Haru for dragging me out in the snow the morning after the wedding, when I’d been hideously hungover, because they’d wanted to snoop on André and Luke.
We’d been pretty sure something had been going on between them, but they’d wanted confirmation. But why they couldn’t have left me inside with a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich was a mystery.
Still, maybe Kane had a point, though.
I had been desperately trying to impress Nico over the past few days because I wanted him to like me, and maybe I didn’t need to try so hard.
Obviously, the training process would be painful as fuck if he hated me, but I didn’t think he did.
I had to remember that this was a job to him, one he took seriously and one that he loved, and if we were professional and friendly but nothing more, then that was fine.
It wasn’t like I’d made friends with all the musicians and dancers I’d been on tour with over the years, and that wasn’t really so different to this.
Just because I was lonely at times didn’t mean I could project those feelings onto him. The last thing Nico needed was to be stuck with me clinging to him three days a week. If I was lonely, that was on me to fix.
It was strange. Once upon a time, I’d been desperate to get some space and be on my own for more than five minutes.
Now I desperately missed the chaos and clamour of being on tour and spending all my free time with the boys.
I wouldn’t want to go back to music. Not yet.
But I could do something about the quiet.
Toby
Where is everyone at the moment? Does anyone fancy a board game night soon?
André
I’d love that!
Dai
Your Carcassonne title is mine, Toby!
Haru
Not if I beat you first
Kane
Count me in as soon as I’m back. If not, I’m keeping score
A little warmth flickered in my chest and I smiled.
Maybe I was lonely, but perhaps I wasn’t as alone as I thought.