Chapter 24
Chapter twenty-four
Ben
Today has been tricky. As far as Bex is concerned, I’m at work. We had a simple conversation this morning, but the guilt is eating me alive. She should be back at work now, still glowing from our holiday. I plan to see her tonight, but I’ve no idea what I’m going to say — what I’m going to do.
Kelsey and I went to her father’s house today—well, I say her father’s house, but Kelsey’s home too. Since she couldn’t face going alone, I went with her. His morning paper and empty coffee cup were still sitting on the kitchen table. She saw them and broke down.
She sat there, frozen, staring at the walls while I gave the house a general tidy up, moving all the obvious personal items of her father's into his room. At least this way, she can deal with them when she’s ready.
I helped her sort through paperwork to make plans for the funeral. It had been heart-wrenching to watch her struggle at points during the day. All I could do was hold her and let her sob into my chest. She was so fragile. So utterly lost. It broke my heart.
We arrived back at my parents’ house around six. Most of the funeral preparations are complete. Kelsey’s father had few friends since distancing himself from everyone after his wife’s death.
After her mother’s unexpected passing, Kelsey and I were her father’s primary source of social contact.
She had assumed the role of daughter-wife.
Now, with no one to care for, she looks hollow.
It’s clear someone needs to look after her for once.
I asked if there was anyone special in her life I could contact. A friend, perhaps? She shook her head.
“There’s only you and your family. I don’t want anyone else.”
After a long discussion with my parents and Kelsey regarding ongoing arrangements, I called Bex, telling her I’d catch up with her after work tomorrow.
Even replaying the conversation in my head now, it sounds dismissive.
Cold. She didn’t argue, only listened, then mumbled something I couldn’t quite hear.
I’m still worried about what she’s thinking, but I have nothing comforting to offer her beyond half-truths.
However, I’ve made my decision. I need to see it through.
Bex is independent and feisty, with a blossoming career and a network of friends.
She’ll be a success with or without me, I know it.
That’s why I love her so much. I love her spirit and the self-awareness she’s developed.
I love her wit and sarcasm that comes wrapped in gentleness and love.
But she doesn’t need me, I know that. And even though I’ll miss her every damn day, even though it will break me to lose her… I know what I need to do.
***
Bex
Forty-eight hours ago, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life.
As a child, I was happy up to the age of thirteen.
Those young, strange years were a blast — making mud pies, counting rocks with my friends, pretending to be from another planet, and wearing whatever made you happy. Life felt magical then.
But when I hit my teenage years, I struggled with fitting in, never knowing what to say, who to sit with, or how to be cool. I always gravitated to the outsiders or them to me. I was never sure which way round it worked.
These past few weeks with Ben have been perfect. He’s made me feel like the only woman in the world. I love him for it. The two weeks in Spain cemented my feelings and our relationship.
I’d always found him attractive since we were teenagers, but never once thought he could be interested in me. The fact that he put up with me as a friend was a shock. I wasn’t the kind of girl seen with guys like him. In the beginning, I assumed it was a joke, but the punchline never came.
Kelsey and Ben were my friends. The familiar guilt when I think of Kelsey rises in my throat.
What kind of person falls for their friend’s ex?
But he is also my friend, I remind myself.
And I love him. That is the one thing I am sure of — Dr. Benjamin Jones has my heart. I cannot imagine my life without him.
The lack of contact since we returned from Spain is making me uneasy. It’s been two days since I saw him. He called me an hour ago to say he would be back by eight o’clock. It’s now 7:30 p.m.
He said he was working today, and I know he keeps spare clothes at the hospital.
It’s perfectly plausible that he’s been there this whole time, but dread coils in my stomach, hard and unrelenting.
Deep down, I know something is wrong. My mind flicks back to our final day in Spain, when he was quiet.
I should’ve asked him. I knew something had changed.
The television is on, but I’m not watching it. His key in the door signals he’s home; it opens and closes with a familiar click. He kicks off his shoes the same way he does every night, and sock-clad feet pad slowly along the hallway. Then he’s there.
He appears in the living room, looking nothing like the man I kissed goodbye two days ago. His face is gaunt. All the fun and laughter of our time together gone. Haunted eyes meet mine. Suddenly, I don’t want to have this conversation.
“Amy isn’t home yet,” I stutter, not knowing what else to say. I want to ask where he has been, but the answer frightens me. Needing answers isn’t important right now; what I need is him. I need to go back to a few days ago, and see the man I love again.
“No, I asked her to stay away until I’d spoken to you.” He speaks calmly but distantly, as if he has rehearsed this in his head. “Bex, we need to talk.”
I feel as though someone has ripped my heart out and placed it on the table in front of me.
I stare at Ben in complete shock. He’s leaving me.
We haven’t even got started, and he’s already leaving.
It’s strange how sometimes you have a premonition that something’s going to happen.
It’s even more terrifying when it comes true.
Knowing where the conversation was going, I stopped listening.
I didn’t want to hear another word. Ben’s talked for what feels like hours, but when I glance at the clock, it’s only 8:30 p.m. He could only have been talking for thirty minutes at most. I watch in slow motion as he holds his arms out, then I realize he’s speaking to me, expecting an answer. His voice is calm and controlled.
“Do you understand what I am saying, Bex? I’m going to pack a bag and leave. Are you going to be alright? I asked Amy to come back. She’ll be here in ten minutes.”
I nod once and blink back the tears. He looks at me warily, as if bracing for an explosion. But everything he said made sense; the parts I listened to anyway. Our relationship is new, and she needs him.
Ben explained he’s moving in with Kelsey at her father’s house to help her sort through her financial affairs, support her in her grief, and ensure she looks after herself. Kelsey didn’t have anyone to look after her, and he felt it was his duty to step in.
Ben understood her. He was there when her mother died.
He had been there while she anguished and struggled to cope.
She’ll need that level of support again.
He explained they weren’t getting back together.
He would sleep in the spare room. But as our relationship was so new, it was too much to ask me to accept that.
So, he decided for both of us that we must end things for now. Until Kelsey was well and could move forward in her life. Maybe, once time had passed, we could try again. We both knew that was a lie. We both knew this was the end for us and he was choosing her.
I looked at this beautiful man through vacant eyes. I could see him hurting. This decision was based on a decade of loyalty to this woman. He’d seen her at her worst, and he couldn’t live with himself if he let her go through that again on her own.
Walking silently from the living room to my bedroom, he collected the few belongings left there.
A book, some earbuds, and a razor. I followed him like a lost sheep as he wandered around the apartment, picking things up and putting them back down again, and deciding what to take now and what to collect later.
I watched, saying nothing. I wanted to scream at him, grab his arm, and beg him to put us first.
What about us?
What about me?
Do I mean nothing?
But he’d covered that earlier, telling me how beautiful and clever I was, a strong career woman whom he admired. How I didn’t need him. But I do. I’ve never felt stronger than when I was with him. I thought he was my right-hand man. Now, I’m back to navigating this world on my own.
Amy arrives home, and I can tell by her face she’s up to speed. Her eyes search for me, and I can sense her pity from here. It only makes me feel smaller.
Ben throws the black backpack over his shoulder, looking from one of us to the other.
It crosses my mind that he hasn’t even touched me since he came back.
Maybe he couldn’t bear to. Then again, if he had loved me at all…
he wouldn’t be doing this. A man in love doesn’t walk away from that woman for his ex-partner.
He’s never told me he loves me, I realize. It stings.
Amy’s struggling to hold her temper. She’s such a happy-go-lucky person by default. However, when she snaps, it’s like an atomic bomb exploding. Finally, she blows.
“Ben, just leave!” Her voice is harsh. “Let me know when you’re coming to get the rest of your stuff, and I’ll be here to let you in. Give me your key.”
He nods, then removes an envelope from his coat pocket. Without another word, he lays the envelope and his keys on the coffee table, then exits the apartment without so much as a backward glance. I stare at the now-closed door as my sister wraps her arms around me.
“Bex, honey, say something.” Her eyes find mine. “Bex, it’s going to be alright. I’m here. He’s an idiot. His priorities are out of whack.”
Walking over, I pick up the envelope. Simple black writing on it says 4 months’ rent share - ￡2000. I open it up and pull the notes out. There’s nothing else. No message, no card, no punchline.
Picking up the bundle of keys, I thumb the keyring absent-mindedly. It’s a Spanish flag we bought last week. He really is walking away from us. It hurts more than I can say. I’ve been dismissed.
There is no more us.