Chapter 49
When Demetri’s sobs subsided, head still down, he apologised profusely for crying.
‘This was not what I intended.’
I rubbed his back.
‘Demetri, you are grieving. Not just for the loss of your mother, but for all those years of trauma that you went through.’
‘What happens now with us, Michelle?’
‘Now that I haven’t a clue. But I do know something.’
He looked up, his eyes eager to learn what I had to say.
‘You are a good man, Demetri. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead here, she was your mother after all and despite everything, you loved her, but she should never have pitted you against your brother.
That was so unfair on a little child, whether you reminded her of your father or not.
She was the adult and you were the child and that has affected you all your life. ’
‘She only did what she felt she could at the time though. I can’t knock her for that.’
‘You are such a kind and forgiving person, Demetri.’
‘There is something else that I feel you need to know. And when I tell you, I’m not sure that you’ll think I’m that kind and forgiving. I can’t forgive myself, so I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me.’
‘Go on,’ I urged, a deep feeling of something heavy in my stomach as I wondered what on earth was going to come out next.
He hesitated, before looking out to sea. He seemed to find it easier when he wasn’t looking at me.
‘I feel relief.’
I could feel myself frown.
‘Relief at what?’
‘That it’s over. After all these years, it’s over and I don’t have it hanging over me any more.’
‘OK. But that’s good then surely?’ I asked.
‘Is it, though, or does it make me an awful son? I can’t quite work it out.’
‘I think it makes you normal. There are so many stages of grief and it’s such early days. There’s probably the relief of sitting by her bedside waiting for her to die too. I am puzzled about lots to do with Makis still though.’
‘Can I help with any of that?’
‘Why would he tell me that she wasn’t ill?’
‘He was just stirring up trouble. He’s done it all his life. I think it’s not having a father figure to guide him, so I tried to be that person. His own father, Mum’s husband, died when Makis was just a baby. He’s always been a bit wild. He just wanted to spoil things for me I suspect.’
‘Gosh. How messed up is that?’
The sun was nearly all the way down, ready to disappear. The twilight sky was turning to a darker shade of indigo and stars were starting to appear, twinkling in the light of the silvery moon which in turn was reflecting on the water.
‘Can you ever forgive me, Michelle?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive you for.’
‘There is plenty. I ran off back to Greece and asked you to give up everything for a woman who never appreciated me. For not telling you about my history. I suppose I was just trying to shut it away and when you said you wouldn’t come with me, you never needed to know anyway.’
‘I think it’s more like can you forgive me, Demetri?’
‘What for?’ he asked, his face puzzled.
‘For not loving you enough to come with you. For not trusting that we would be OK whatever happened. For not trying to make it work. For just admitting defeat without fighting for you. For us. And then realising that I missed you, for coming to Greece and running away at the first sign of something I didn’t like. ’
‘I don’t blame you. I probably would have done the same.’
‘The little girl looks so like you. I assumed…’
‘Yeah, she does. It’s an easy assumption to make.’
‘I’m sorry, Demetri. I should have trusted you more.’
‘Maybe we could start all over again. The one thing I did realise while I was away was how much I missed you. Life was incredibly busy, looking after Mama, but it was good to keep myself occupied because it kept me from being sad. But then when I stopped, I was constantly thinking about you. Why did we make that stupid rule to stay out of contact with each other?’
‘Ha. God knows!’
Demetri turned to me and reached out, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. He cupped my face in his hand and his eyes flickered to my lips and back again.
‘May I?’ he asked.
‘Yes please,’ I responded, melting against his lips and feeling like I’d come home.