40. Chapter 40
Chapter forty
Lucy
B eep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . .
Lucy flinched with each chirp of the monitor wired to her chest. She sat there silently, back ramrod straight, eyes trained on the wafting yellow curtain.
Come back.
Her gut told her to be patient. Any moment, Jonathan would come hurtling back into her room, begging for forgiveness and cover her bruised and fractured body with kisses. They’d shared so much over the last four days, how could he not? He just needed the clarity to realize the mistake he’d made. It wouldn’t take long.
But as seconds crept into minutes, doubt swirled and clawed at her faith like punishing rapids in a bloated river.
Footsteps tapped down the hallway. No squeak, which meant it wasn’t one of the nurses. Immense hope flooded her one last time before her friend sauntered through the doorway, holding a near-bursting bag of takeout.
It was then that she knew. Certain that Jonathan was gone, done with her.
Lucy’s lip quivered and tears she’d struggled to hold back streamed steadily down her face. A rough sob racked her body, pulling at her fractured rib. She almost welcomed the pain, grateful for the ache of something tangible rather than the phantom throb of a broken heart.
Todd dropped the plastic bag and hurried to her side, wrapping his arms around her as she cried. He didn’t try to quell her tears. Instead, he allowed her the space to unload her anguish fully.
“I’m here, sweet pea,” he cooed, stroking her still-snarled hair.
“He left,” Lucy mumbled against the collar of Todd’s soft leather jacket.
“Who? The guide?”
She pulled back and nodded.
“Visiting hours are over. I’m sure he’ll be back tomorrow to check on you.”
Fresh tears followed the damp trails already forged on her cheeks. Lucy shook her head. “He doesn’t want me.”
“What are you . . .” Todd scanned her face, eyes popping wide with understanding. “I thought there was something going on. Between you acting so distracted and his expression at the elevator. I knew something was up.”
He snatched up the discarded bag of takeout then dragged a chair and rolling tray table to the side of the inclined hospital bed. As he untied the knot at the top, the smell of bacon and fries wafted over Lucy. There was no way she could eat, not after what just happened.
“It’s a long story.” Lucy let her head fall back against her pillow as she wiped at her nose.
“Luckily, Nurse Marla is a sucker for chili cheese fries, so we have as much time as we need.” He smiled warmly as he pulled out a couple of cardboard containers and paper napkins. “I’m gonna need the whole sordid tale.”
“I figured.”
“But first, you’re going to get something more in your belly than that retched hospital food you barely touched.”
“I ate the Jell-O.” Lucy shrugged one shoulder pathetically.
Todd blinked at her a few times before saying, “That’s my point. I know you, Luce. And you’re starving. A few bites will help you center yourself.”
Her traitorous stomach growled as she eyeballed the juicy burger. It’d been days since she had a proper meal. She could have unhinged her jaw and devoured the whole thing in three gulps, but decided to take it slowly, just in case the heavy meal didn’t sit well.
Todd sat beside her, impatiently nibbling a few steak fries. His knees bobbed up and down, eyes boring into her, just dying to get the full scoop. But he didn’t push her, which thankfully allowed Lucy to decide where to start.
“Ok.” She sighed, resigning to start at the very beginning. “The desk clerk at the Wilhelm Haus Inn recommended I have dinner at a local spot called The Rooftop Tavern.”
Over the next two hours, Lucy recounted the tale of seeing Jonathan from across the room then finding out he was her guide for the backpacking excursion and everything else that ensued. Ever the dutiful friend, Todd interjected with all of the appropriate responses, including referring to Jonathan as a cowardly twatwaffle no less than four times. By the end of it, Lucy felt a little better to have unloaded her experience onto someone she loved. Todd was so supportive and would help her make sense of everything.
“If I had known,” he grumbled, eyes narrow, “I would have snatched him by the ear and dragged him back from that elevator.”
“No.” Lucy shook her head. She only wanted him if he wanted her just as much. And his willingness to drop her so easily told her everything she needed to know: Their fling was only just that. “He made his choice. ”
“Yeah, to take advantage of you.” Indignation dripped from her friend’s words.
“I don’t believe that.” Her voice was low. She sagged back, feeling the fatigue to the ends of her tangled hair. “We were in this impossible fantasy scenario. Stranded from the real world after almost dying in a freaking landslide. I think it was more about comfort. Or distraction from reality? I don’t really know, but if nothing else the connection helped me stay sane out there.”
“But it was his responsibility to protect you. And as far as I’m concerned, that requirement extends to protecting your giant heart. He was careless, Lucy.”
Her dry chuckle felt prickly in her ravaged throat. “I love you for your rage.” She reached out and squeezed Todd’s warm hand. “But there’s no need. It’s not like we were in love.”
Todd’s appraisal dripped with salty scrutiny. They’d been friends for so long that she knew when he saw through her like a freshly washed window. The sadness and grief were fully on display for his examination, but so was her exhaustion.
“Fine, fine.” He raised both hands in surrender. “I’ll let it go . . . for now.” Leaning over, he untied his shoes, setting them neatly beside the bed, then shrugged off his butter-soft jacket. “Scooch.”
“I don’t think the doctor would be pleased about you staying all night.”
“You need your best friend. Anyone who says anything can bite me. Besides, I have Nurse Marla’s undying affection, so she’d have my back.” His lips quirked up at one corner.
Carefully, Lucy shimmied to the side of the large hospital bed so Todd could crawl in. He looped his arm around her shoulders as she settled onto his chest, her head nestled in the crook of his neck. Comfort was what she needed, and her friend was there for her yet again.
“Thank you,” she murmured, melting against his familiar warmth.
“Anything for you, sweet pea.”
Thursday: Lucy
Lucy stayed at Wenatchee Valley Memorial one more night for further evaluation. During visiting hours, her folks and Todd kept her company as best they could. Her mother, Sally, fluttered around, fiddling with Lucy’s blankets, wires, and oxygen tube, spending more time in the nurses’ way than out of it. Gentle reminders from her husband, who played cribbage with Todd on a little tray table, that their daughter was in good hands hardly registered to Sally in her worried state. The proximity of everyone crammed together was a welcome distraction at first, but eventually, the tiny room felt claustrophobic.
So when the attending doctor finally gave the all-clear, Lucy was thrilled to trade her open-backed gown for a fresh set of ass-covering clothes. She gathered her things with flowers in hand. But as she reached the bay of elevators, she wondered why she still held the colorful blooms. Striding over to the nurses station, she set them on the counter, leaving them behind along with the sting and memories of defeated romance.
Lucy rode with her mother back to Seattle so her father could follow in her little Kia. Oldies played on the radio. Crooners of love and loss drifted from the speakers, tugging at the still-fresh wounds in her heart.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” Lucy confessed quietly.
“You’re still you, peanut.” Her mom’s words dripped with the usual chipper reassurance. “The last week was traumatic, but you’ll see. Give it a few days.”
“No, I mean since Brodan.”
“Breakups are always hard. But I know who you are.”
“And who is that?”
Lucy watched Sally manufacture just the right words. What she once thought was her mother’s superpower began to feel slightly disingenuous. “You’re my sunny, loyal, optimistic daughter. And you gave it your best shot with Brodan. You broke up, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.”
“I think that’s who I was trying to be, but not necessarily who I want to be now.”
“I’m not following.” Her mother’s immovable smile cracked slightly.
She spoke slowly, not because she thought her mom wouldn’t understand, but because Lucy was trying to put into words what she’d been feeling for a long time. What had been floating around in the back of her mind for years but had never had the courage to call out. “I gave everything to my relationship. Regularly made sacrifices that he never returned. You’re right. I put in the work, but Brodan was never an equal partner. I did everything in support of him while he lived selfishly for himself.”
“What a jerk.” Sally huffed.
“No, Mom. I don’t think he got it completely wrong. If anything, I need to be a little more like Brodan. I’ve been spending my life being what others need, never asking what I want or who I want to be. I dissolve into my partners and exist only to further their quality of life. I’ve done that with every relationship I’ve been in.”
“But why would you do that if it’s not what you want?”
“Because it’s what I was taught.” Lucy watched her mother puzzle out what she was trying to say. “You taught me that.”
Sally’s shoulders tensed as she gripped the steering wheel. “ Lucy, I never told you that you had to ‘dissolve’ into your relationships.” In this rarely seen irked state, her mother’s smile finally slipped away.
“Not directly, no. But it’s what you did with Dad.” Lucy’s ramblings came out in a rush, like if she slowed her pace, she’d never actually get them out before losing her nerve. “I’ve watched you follow along with his decisions and whims for as long as I was old enough to notice. You stay at home instead of working. And stopped going to grad school because it interfered with taking care of him and us. You uprooted everything and moved to Greenwater because Dad got a new job after agreeing to retire. You live to serve him. How was I supposed to witness that and not assume that’s what I should do in my relationships?”
“Oh, sweetheart. That’s how I choose to live my life. Taking care of you kids and your father brings me fulfillment. I didn’t lose myself to my family. I found myself there. Building my tribe brought meaning to my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“But what about you giving up your part-time job or grad school?”
“ Pfft . . .” Sally swiped a dismissive hand. “I hated being a teller. Handling other people’s money gave me heartburn. And I made the call to quit my MFA program. Not your father. I spent every minute in class wishing I was with him or you and your brothers. It wasn’t as important to me as I originally thought, and I couldn’t stomach wasting money on something I didn’t value.”
“So your life wasn’t just one big selfless sacrifice?”
Melodic laughter rang throughout the car. “Absolutely not.” Her mom dashed away mirthful tears. “I’m a part of something so much bigger than me. Knowing that your father is happy and seeing you kids grow up to be incredible adults fills me with indescribably joy and pride. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
All these years, Lucy thought her mother had abandoned every bit of herself for her family, but it turned out that being a stay-at-home mom was what fueled her. She’d been wrong interpreting Sally’s life in terms of pure sacrifice.
“And I’m so sorry,” the older woman who’d taken on a grim, apologetic expression continued, “that you thought I expected you to be like me. Lucy, I want you to live your life in whatever way best fulfills you . Not someone else. Especially not someone like Brodan.”
“You really think he was that bad?”
Sally’s side-eyed expression made Lucy cringe.
“He was kind of a douche, peanut.”
“ Mom,” Lucy cackled, momentarily forgetting the hole in her heart. “I’ve never heard you call someone a douche before.”
She shrugged. “Well, if the shoe fits.”
The laughter felt good, and for a moment, Lucy believed she’d be able to feel like herself one day soon. She needed to focus on marching forward, continuing to work on Lucy 2.0 in order to leave the past behind her. Jonathan had chosen not to be in her life, and she had to accept that and move on.
“Do me a favor, will ya, peanut?”
“What’s that?”
“Take some time filling your own bucket for a while. Keep being your own sunshine, and things will seem brighter soon enough.”
Sunshine.
Hearing the nickname sent a painful zap through Lucy. A flash of seductive amber eyes and a chest inked with the Cascade Mountains heated her ears. She could almost smell his cedar and fabric softener scent. Feel the warm slick of sweat on his back while he hovered over her. His fingers, his tongue.
Lucy shook herself. None of that.
“I can do that. I promise to focus on my happiness for a while.”