Chapter 16 #3
“It’s your job. They’re paying you.”
“So I’m supposed to do whatever they tell me? Even if it’s immoral?”
Adrián moved back a little so he could look at me in the dim light. “We’re talking about a contractual relationship that you entered willingly. If you don’t want to fulfill your part of the obligation, you should quit.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.” His face was in deep shadow, but I could see moonlight reflecting in his eyes. He had no idea how painful his words were to me. The curtains rustled, momentarily blocking out the moon.
“It’s about a lot more than me, Adrián. Café Alegre is stealing business from Las Nubes. There are a lot of people suffering and I’m in a position to help.”
“This is the way business works, Dee. Café Alegre is just like every other corporation in my country and yours. You can refuse to put them on the trip, but it isn’t going to make a difference.”
I bit the knuckle of my second finger. “It will to the farmers in Las Nubes.”
Adrián took my finger out of my mouth and pressed it into his hands. “How? Suzanne will fire you. Then she’ll set up the trip herself. Look, she doesn’t believe Café Alegre is violating the rules, because we didn’t have enough proof.”
“Then I need more proof.”
Adrián’s mouth twitched. “Dee, you can’t attack a whole system, because you’re going to fail. If you want to help people, there are much better ways. Start with individuals. Start with battles you can win.”
“We can win this one.”
He let go of my hand and wrapped both his arms around my waist, trying to squeeze his logic into me. “I doubt it.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“Let’s not fight, Preciosa . You know I hate politics.”
“We’re not fighting.” I closed my eyes. This couldn’t work. I would never understand him. He would never understand me.
“Can we talk about something else?” He lifted my hair and kissed the nape of my neck.
“Sure. Yeah.” I sat up straighter. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about anyway.” He looked relieved until he saw my expression. “Let’s talk about Lucía. I want to know the truth.”
He stopped trying to touch me. “You know the truth. She’s my ex.”
“In the past? Way in the past? That’s why her friends looked at you like you killed a puppy?”
Adrián bit his lip, uncertain. Finally, he spoke. “Okay, maybe it’s not the whole truth. I didn’t tell you everything because I thought you wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“I was seeing her when I met you.”
How goddamned typical. “So you cheated on her?”
“Cheated? Dee, you and I haven’t even had sex.”
“So that’s what defines a relationship for you? It’s only cheating if there’s a penis in a vagina?”
“No! Obviously not, or I wouldn’t be here.”
“Oh cool, cool, thanks for being so patient about sex. You win a prize.”
“That’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying I care about you.” He looked at me, pain and passion competing for dominance. “How many ways do I have to show you?”
“Like you cared about Lucía?”
“I did care about her. But not the way I care about you.” He fiddled with the bed sheet. “I broke up with her right after my cousin’s wedding.”
“Were you supposed to take her as your date?”
“Yes.”
“Classy.”
“It’s complicated,” he said, wounded. “Haven’t you ever had feelings for two people at once?”
I gulped. Did he know? “I’ve never acted on it.”
“I’m not proud that I hurt Lucía. But Lucía isn’t the person for me. You are.”
I stared at him. What was he saying?
“But I’m obviously not the person for you,” he said, a hint of bitterness seeping in. “I’m just your vacation romance.” He looked at me, not even attempting to hide the hurt. “You know, I have a question for you, Dee.”
“Okay.”
“If I’m not good enough for you, why do you spend so much time with me?”
“I never said you weren’t good enough.”
“You’ve said it plenty. Just not with words.” Jesus. Had I really been that cruel? “If I’m not radical enough for you,” he said, “not a committed enough comrade in the fight, then why don’t you just break up with me? Because if we keep going on like this, you’re going to break my heart.”
“It’s late,” I said, fuzzy, confused, sad. “We’re not making sense. Let’s finish this in the morning.”
I lay down on the bed. Adrián lay behind me, with six inches between us, maybe six miles. But I couldn’t sleep. I just lay there silently staring out the window, counting the shooting stars and the fallen moments.
* * *
The next morning my whole body felt sore, like I had spent the night physically fighting.
Adrián’s eyes were puffy and his neck seemed stiff.
There were so many bruises, and so few were visible.
It was clear to me now that Adrián’s feelings were deeper than I had realized.
I couldn’t keep leading him on like this.
My feelings were too ambiguous, too fluctuating.
So I asked Adrián to take me back to San José. I told him I had to go research other farms. He didn’t believe me. He told me how much he cared about me, he told me that he would help me find another farm tomorrow, he told me to just forget about last night. I told him I needed to go home.
He called me about an hour after he dropped me off at my house. I was alone, because my host family was in Liberia celebrating Christmas. Oh yeah, Christmas. Classic day for a breakup.
“I’m going to Panamá tomorrow,” he said, his voice heavy. “For five days. My dad wants me to check out some hotels to buy.”
“Oh.” I closed my eyes.
“Are you mad at me?”
I squeezed my forefingers against my thumbs. “No.”
“You sound mad.”
“I’m just confused.”
“Don’t you know how much I care about you? Don’t you know I...” His voice trailed off.
I turned my head toward the wall, trying to keep the tears in check. I clenched my fists and bit hard on my lips. Adrián waited for an answer. I didn’t have one.
“I’ll be thinking about you the whole time,” he said. “Can I call you?”
I took my hair tie and doubled it around my wrist. I wanted to cut off my circulation. I wanted to be numb. “Maybe it’s better if we just take some time off.” I wrapped the tie tighter around my wrist. “It’s just five days.”
After I hung up, I looked at my wrist. Purple lines encircled it.
I wondered if I had said the right thing.
It certainly didn’t feel like it. I lay face down on my bed.
I didn’t know if there was a possible future with Adrián.
I did know I had never been this sad. I refused to think any more about him.
I refused to think about Café Alegre. I refused everything.