Chapter 5 #2
“I’m also a control freak,” he said. He looked at her, and she didn’t think she was imagining that his grin was a little bit wicked. She curled her fingers into fists and ignored her body’s response. Ignored the heat that engulfed her.
Yes. Clark Porter was hot. He always had been.
What he hadn’t always been was her coparent.
During the last fifteen years, he would have been a bad decision for any number of reasons. But now he was much more than a potential bad decision. Now he was off-limits because the stakes were way too high.
Also, she was Ellie Parks.
And the thing about that was … she was boring. In high school, Clark had always dated flashy girls. She had no idea what kind of women he’d been dating since then, but he was an incredibly hot, wildly successful rodeo cowboy, and that implied a few different things.
He probably had a lot more experience than she, and a lot more skill.
Also, she had no business thinking about it.
“I realize that we know each other superficially. But we don’t know much about each other,” she said. His retirement and the revelation about his wealth had really driven that point home.
“True,” he said. “You know me just well enough to yell at me in parking lots.”
She winced. “I’m sorry about that.”
The room smelled of rosemary, garlic, and butter. And when he placed the steaks in the cast-iron pan, searing them, her stomach growled.
He opened the oven, placed the skillet inside, then leaned against the counter, turning to face her. “I left here, got into the rodeo, lucked into a lot of success there.”
“Were you ever tempted to start using? Like your parents. Like Ty.”
“No, because it’s a dead end. I could see it then, just like I see it now. I always figured that I couldn’t let my parents’ behavior determine how far I was going to get in life. Bottom line, I just really didn’t want to be like them. I thought I could do better, and so I did better. The end.”
“It’s not that simple, though, is it? You have to have drive and direction and confidence to succeed.”
Clark shrugged. “Ty and I are different. We always have been. He was always a risk-taker. And I know that people would look at what I do in the rodeo and assume the same about me. But it’s not the same.
I don’t have a death wish. I care about my life.
I care about what happens to me. I always had the sense that Ty never liked himself.
That if he drove too fast and hit a tree, he would die with an adrenaline rush and that would be good enough for him.
I never wanted to die. I also didn’t want to live the way they do.
I saw the rodeo as a way out. I didn’t do it because I needed the thrill, but it was something I was good at.
I started working at one of the ranches on the outskirts of town when I was …
fourteen, I guess, and I did that all the way through school.
I learned how to be a cowboy. I think that’s the thing.
I had something I cared about. I had an identity.
I don’t think Ty had that. Which meant he was happy to surrender himself to drugs and hope they’d make him into somebody.
But that was just never me. It was never what I wanted. ”
“That’s incredible,” she said. And she meant it. “I’d love to have you come and talk to the kids in my class.”
“Me?”
“Yes. Because I think what you just said … I wish more people knew it when they were teenagers. You’ve got to have things to live for. I wonder if that was Melanie’s problem. She knew what our parents wanted for her. And she didn’t want it.”
“What did they want?”
“Melanie was a ballerina,” she said. “She was so pretty when she danced. It was so important to my mom, but there was a point where I think it wasn’t important to Melanie anymore.
More than that, it was a burden. I think being with Ty felt like an escape.
And drugs were like an express train right out of that future.
She didn’t want the pressure anymore. And I get it.
But I wish she’d found another outlet for herself. I wish she’d known what she wanted.”
His eyes were assessing, and she felt something stir in her chest. “What about you? What made you decide to be a teacher?”
“I wanted the chance to reach even one kid like my sister. To be there to ask the right questions, which I didn’t do with her.
To …” She closed her eyes. “I think it’s important.
I think teenagers are brilliant and bright and vulnerable.
They make these huge, life-altering decisions about their bodies and their futures, and their frontal lobes aren’t even fully developed.
And I just … I care. It’s really hard sometimes. ”
“Yeah, I can’t remember being too nice to any of my teachers. Seems like a thankless job.”
“No. I wouldn’t say that.”
“But do you do it for you? Or is it just for her?”
His question was insightful. “Yes,” she said. “I do it for me.”
“For more than just your guilt?”
She laughed. “Yes. I like English. I have an English degree. You have to do something with it.”
He laughed. “Well, money isn’t really your number one objective, then.”
She shook her head. “No. It’s not. Partly because … I grew up in a house with plenty of it. But money didn’t fix everything. Growing up the way that you did is hard. But …”
“Middle ground would be nice,” he said.
“Yeah. Middle ground would be great. Enough money. Enough love. What a concept.”
“I think we’re going to do pretty well.”
“Well, I need to pack my stuff up so that we can get it all moved in.”
“Guess that’s a project for tomorrow,” he said.
“I guess so. One step at a time.”