Chapter 11
The adoption had been one of the most profound experiences of Clark’s life. He’d felt like Marjorie’s father ever since she had been put in his arms. But it was official now. Recognized by the state.
And the responsibility, beautiful and heavy, had been sitting on his shoulders since that night in the hospital.
He felt no regret. It was what he wanted. He knew it down to his bones.
Marjorie was a pretty good sleeper, but there were times when she resisted falling asleep.
And there were times when getting sleep was damned near impossible.
The sound of her crying filtered over the baby monitor, and Clark turned over in bed, sighing heavily.
It was his night on duty. He was exhausted.
But he also didn’t think that Ellie should take on more than her fair share of sleepless nights.
She might not be working full time at the moment, but they both had flexible schedules, and he intended to do his part.
He got out of bed and walked quietly toward the nursery, moving easily through the hallway illuminated by moonlight shining through the skylights above.
He walked into the cheerful pink room, and picked Marjorie up, cradling her to his chest. “All right. Settle down, sweetheart,” he said. “Do you need to eat?”
He carried the baby down to the kitchen, and started to make a bottle.
He hummed softly to himself. God, he couldn’t remember humming absently ever in his life. That was the habit of a different sort of person. Someone who had joy in his heart. Hope for the future.
He looked down at Marjorie. She felt like hope. Like the hope of something really good. Something he’d believed for a long time he couldn’t have.
And he thought of the beautiful woman sleeping down the hall from him.
His gut went tight, his heart starting to beat faster.
Yeah. It was really tempting to fantasize that their relationship could be something more than it was.
Really tempting to create a whole narrative around that.
But that was one hope too far. A wish too many.
He’d never been one to wish too intently on anything.
But becoming Marjorie’s father was a miracle. Maybe that meant there could be more.
Or maybe it meant he’d had plenty. Wasn’t ever going to have another in his lifetime.
After all, he’d already improved his circumstances financially. Wasn’t it a little bit greedy to want it all?
“Oh, I thought I heard something.”
He looked up and saw Ellie standing in the doorway, wearing a large T-shirt that just covered the tops of her thighs.
God Almighty.
“Hey. You don’t need to wake up,” he said. “My job right now.”
He needed to keep his distance from her. Because even in the dim lighting, she was far too beautiful for his own good. Even now, he was torturing himself with quick, full-color fantasies that he had no business having about her.
“It’s fine,” she said. “I wasn’t sleeping very well anyway.”
“Any particular reason?”
“This whole situation?” She sighed. “I want to do the best I can for Marjorie. I want to be better than my family, that’s for sure. My parents weren’t the family I wanted.”
He laughed. “I don’t blame you. I’d like to send mine back too.”
“But we have Marjorie. And we have each other.”
That squeezing sensation in his chest grew more intense. “Yeah. I’m grateful for that.”
He finished feeding Marjorie the bottle, and Ellie walked toward him.
His heart went tight. She reached out and took the baby, cradling her gently to her breast. Then she looked up at him, and his eyes dropped down to her mouth.
They had a baby between them right now. They always did.
He was beginning to wonder if they were purposely avoiding moments like this.
Avoiding the change that might come. How one touch could transform something innocent into something a whole lot more.
“I can take her back upstairs. She’ll need a diaper change.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Sure.”
She turned away from him and started up the stairs. He held on to the counter, trying to calm the raging heat inside his body.
This was over the top. There was too much going on. He couldn’t afford to be reacting to her this way.
Was it unresolved childhood longing? A deep need to finally have the love he’d wanted back when he hadn’t felt worthy?
But that wasn’t a good reason to kiss her.
Lord Almighty.
He was a grown-ass man with tons of experience. Getting wound up about a kiss seemed stupid.
Getting bothered about a theoretical kiss, one that existed only in his mind, that seemed even more stupid.
But here he was. Obsessing about what it would be like for his mouth to touch Ellie’s.
He was going to have to go out and find sexual partners so he didn’t spend all his time obsessing about her.
The very idea made him feel uneasy.
He didn’t want somebody else.
He wanted her. If he were honest with himself, he’d wanted her for a very long time.
His body had reached its limit, apparently.
He got a grip on himself as best he could and then headed up the stairs. Right as she was coming out of the nursery.
And then it was just the two of them, standing in the hall, in the moonlit darkness. He could hear her breathing, his own heart beating so hard in his chest, he thought it might explode.
“She’s down,” she said.
“Good. We should both get some sleep.”
“Yes,” she agreed.
She looked at her hands, just for a moment, and he fought the urge to reach out and grip her chin between his thumb and forefinger.
To ask her to look at him. He fought the urge that had existed inside him since he was sixteen years old.
All the urges he hadn’t been able to follow, and suddenly he was really angry at his younger brother.
Because Ty had taken one of the Parks sisters and smashed her up.
And in doing so he had prevented Clark from ever being able to touch the woman he’d wanted for half his life.
It didn’t seem fair. He’d spent all these years suppressing that anger.
He’d spent all these years trying so hard to be on Ty’s side. To just be his older brother. To love him in the way he ought to.
And it had kept him from this.
He wanted to touch her.
She looked up at him, her eyes meeting his, and he heard her breath catch.
“You’re so pretty,” he whispered.
She froze then, mid-breath, her lips parted just slightly. And he felt an ache bloom in his stomach. Spread outward. He felt his entire body heat.
His heart beating fast and hard, he followed his impulse and lifted his hand, touched her chin.
She closed her eyes, her breath coming out in a shaky gust.
“You’ve always been so beautiful,” he whispered.
She opened her eyes, and it was as if reality slammed hard against his chest.
He dropped his hand, took a step away. “I’m glad I have you,” he said quickly. “Glad she has you.”
A reminder of why they were here. Why they were standing in this darkened hallway? It had nothing to do with them. With their attraction to each other.
He turned away from her and went back down the hallway toward his room. He closed the door behind him, and he locked it. Because he didn’t trust himself. He didn’t trust himself not to take what he wanted.
And the hardest part was that he could see she wanted him too.
He didn’t know for how long. He didn’t know if it was a recent attraction or something that had been burning inside her for years, but he knew it was there.
And that meant he needed to stay far, far away.
That meant he couldn’t let his guard down.
No. He had to be vigilant. He had to protect this new family of theirs. And that meant not trying and failing at having a relationship with her.
He had been strong for a long damned time. He just had to go on being strong.