Chapter 39
THE VOICE AND THE VISIONS
The visions called to me so viciously that I clicked, finally. Just for one disgusting second, I thought of cutting up Hailey.
Of using that knife on her flesh and inside her too.
The pattern was written in steel and blood. In blades that sliced up women. It was a subtle voice that seemed my own but was not.
I have fallen in love with Hailey, but staying with her will doom her. I must go.
Even now, my hands are shaking as I remember the moment and how close I came to killing her.
Only the why—the reason for it all—was keeping me from awareness.
Your body suffered a catastrophic brain injury…I don’t know how that part of you could have survived…your face is not a match for your brain.
What if part of my brain, survived, but not enough?
What if another brain was added and we melded together?
I am a frankenstruct, and someone else is in here with me.
Someone who cannot quite vocalize proper speech or think thoughts or make me act.
That last, though, I’m not sure of when I was resisting the wishes of him and when I was doing what he wanted?
A part of this new me loved torturing and killing women. Or should that be loves? He’s in here with me, now. I swallow that bitter pill of awareness.
He loves it like a normal person loves the sky, their family, that pet they brought home.
Those coils of blood, the screams I remember, they were real, once.
Can I separate myself from that freak’s cravings?
This sucks balls.
I have carried her upstairs, brought some clothes, cleaned her, helped her dress.
I set her down on a chair in this upstairs bedroom. I brought her water, and she clutches the glass like it’s a lifeline. Exhaustion shows in the way she slumps in the chair. I guess I’ve made her mostly happy as she smiles and lifts her hand to cradle my face as I kneel before her.
Now, though…now I have to go.
Every tiny detail of her makes me want to stay.
I need her for herself but also for the tender pinkness of these small fingers.
For the scent of her and the taste of her palm when I kiss it.
For the rebellious hair that falls over her ear.
The curl of her eyelashes. For her small toes and how they squash a little where they meet the floor.
Something inside me may break if I do this, and if I stay…I might break her, my precious Hailey.
Fuck, how do I do this? I don’t know if I can.
I must.
“I’m not safe to be around,” I tell her, even as I scream at myself to stay.
“What?” she whispers.
With my reluctance crushing me in every inch that I distance myself from her, I stand then take a step back.
“You are my everything, and I love you, but I cannot stay with you. I fear myself and what I might do to you. I’m sorry.” I clasp the hand she’s raised. “I will fix everything before I leave Revenant.” Tears spill down my face. “I love you,” I repeat, stupidly. “Forgive me.”
I walk unsteadily toward the open doorway, pausing there. Leaving is irrevocable.
In the hallway, the man in the sequined mask and harlequin costume leans on the balcony railing, wrinkling his nose and sniffing, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.
Earlier, he handed me the USB that’s in my pocket. Here. Courtesy of Dawid. He said to tell you he hacked into you-know-where hours ago, and it was like taking candy from a baby. You’re welcome.
I didn’t tell Hailey. And he’s just snorted something. I shouldn’t leave her until he goes. This party is full of—
“Kail?” It’s a terrible cry for help, not just my name.
My hearts stutters.
Such pitiful confusion spilled from that single word. When I believed I was reduced to a shred of nothing, her sorrow tears away another million pieces of me.
The seconds stretch and shatter.
What else can I say without making her hate me? I would rather leave while I’m still something to her than make her want to spit on my corpse.
Coward. Tell her so she understands!
I hear the chair topple and her feet hit the floor.
I twist to look at her. She stands, her arms limp. The glass lies on the floor surrounded by spilled water.
“Why? Why! Please.”
What is it with her and the words that tear into me like a flamethrower through a puppy?
“Why?” I clear my throat.
She nods and tears shine in her eyes. I did that to her. Me. “Don’t go, please? We can talk this through.”
I wipe away my own tears, casually, like I have dust on me, but remain in the doorway. “I don’t want to become a thing you hate, and if I speak…”
“Speak. Please, speak.” She holds her hand out toward me, imploring.
“If I knew what to say, I would say more. It’s complicated.”
“Complicated!” At last, anger distorts her face.
It’s kinder to her to let her hate me. I see that now. I open my mouth but am still sorting through my own motivations and desires and, god, I hate having to second guess while shit pours down on me. I owe her the truth, or some of it.
She’s only frowning at me now. Waiting.
If I tell her that I lied, which lie?
I never told her I might be a killer of women, except I never knew, until now. Though I should’ve guessed. The visions of bloodied, sliced-up females are a big, enormous hint.
Or do I say that my real name is Kail Stone? That I am from an alternate version of this world and haven’t trusted her enough to say.
Or maybe that I thought we were destined to be together, and now I can see we are star-crossed lovers, and fate wants to tear us apart, and tear me a new asshole.
Choose wisely. I huff, roll my shoulders, and turn to fully face her. “Fuck. I don’t know what to say…”
Yes, I’m a coward. Wait. Would that work?
“Sorry, Hailey. I’m a coward. I’m shit. Forget me.”
“I don’t believe you. Something has changed. Tell me, Kail, you prick, or I will…I will…do…something!”
Achievement unlocked. I’d rather be a dick than an evil killer. I’m ready to truly go when—
Someone downstairs screams, “Fire! There’s fire in the basement!”
Which is when the thoughts clear and lock together, and I remember this is a house full of perverts. I was going to leave her here, alone with Zedder and co.
I rush back to her, scoop her up along with the bag she left on the bed, then fumble open the fucking window and bounce out into the night.
It’s easy for a frankenstruct to leap down from this height onto the front lawn, even with a woman’s weight to carry.
I mean, I wasn’t sure I could. I might’ve broken a leg but, bonus points, I haven’t.
Once we reach the Jeep, I strap her in and make sure she’s fit to drive, and that the engine is started. She smiles at me.
Past the top of the car, the part of the house where the small basement window resides is leaking a tendril of smoke.
Someone must have opened that window. No flames, thankfully.
A few people are running out the front door, but I guess most have stayed to rubberneck.
A proper fire would have spread farther by now.
Hailey grabs my hand where it rests on the door frame. “Climb in. We can sort this out when we reach Molly’s.”
“Uh.” I close my eyes and take a breath. If only. “No. What I said before stands. This is the end of us. Have a great life, Hailey.” I hesitate then turn over her hand and kiss her palm.
Her eyes go wide, her mouth trembles.
You have to go.
This time she remains silent. She only stares as I turn away from her.