Chapter 30
THIRTY
Juniper
Fisher told me I got the choose what we did tonight, our last night together. He suggested we take a helicopter ride over the mountains and he could arrange a dinner for us somewhere special.
The way I see it, there’s nowhere as special as Star Falls.
“Really?” Fisher says as he pulls up outside Grizzly’s. “This is where you want to go?”
“Are you saying there’s something wrong with Grizzly’s?” I ask, arching an eyebrow at him.
“Absolutely not. Best wings on earth.”
“Right,” I say. “Your favorite. You need to have the full Star Falls experience tonight. Who knows if you’ll ever experience its magic again.”
He grins at me like I’m the most thoughtful woman on the planet when all I’ve done is bring him to the local bar. “But this isn’t the final destination tonight,” I say. “So don’t get too comfortable.”
We head into the bar and Byron and Rosey are already seated. “First, on your Star Falls experience: Wings, pool, and your best friend. What more could you want?”
He slides his hands around my waist and presses a kiss to my head. “You know a way to a man’s heart.”
My stomach flips when he says heart. Have I reached his heart? He’s definitely in mine. I think he has been since the moment I laid eyes on him in Grizzly’s all those months ago.
We’re not just reliving Fisher’s Star Falls experience. I’m reliving my Fisher experience.
“Did I ever tell you that I first saw you in Grizzly’s? It was just around the time of the opening of the Club.”
“You said,” he says. “I still don’t know how I didn’t see you and hit on you immediately.”
“Oh, I kept my distance. I wasn’t… this is a small town, and I wasn’t used to seeing a man I… seeing a man like you.”
“Like me?” he asks.
I shrug, and Rosey runs over and pulls us both into a hug. “Hey, guys. You ready for pool?”
“I guess so,” Fisher says. I don’t know if there’s a tinge of disappointment in his voice, but I hope not. This isn’t the only place we’re going to stop by tonight.
“We’re going to beat you,” Rosey says, pulling me along by the hand. “Boys against girls,” she calls out.
I groan. I don’t want to be in any game where I’m not on the same team as Fisher. I glance behind me to see Byron slapping Fisher on the back in commiseration, and then they follow us into the back.
“So, Fisher,” Rosey says. “When are you next back in Colorado?”
“Rosey,” I say. “Please, can we not talk about Fisher coming back to Colorado or me going to New York? Not tonight. Fisher and I have always been clear about what we are to each other. I want to just enjoy the evening. I want to have fun.”
“What she said,” Fisher says, and holds out his hand.
Byron chuckles at the frustrated expression on Rosey’s face.
“It’s just that you’re so good together. And Byron said he’s never seen Fisher so happy with a woman.”
I pull in a breath and shake my head. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to spend the evening telling Rosey all the reasons Fisher and I can’t be together. It’s too depressing. It’s too much.
Rosey starts to say something else, and Byron steps between the two of us and walks her back to the other side of the room, whispering in her ear.
Fisher raises his eyebrows. I can’t tell whether he’s exasperated with Rosey or disappointed in me. Does he want to be convinced we can work?
“For the record,” I say to him, so no one else can hear. “It’s not because I’m looking forward to you leaving. We both just know the reality of the situation.”
He pulls in a breath and pulls me into a hug. “Unfortunately, we do.”
His body envelops me. He’s so big and reassuring. It makes me feel like it’s going to be okay. But I’m not sure if it is. Fisher’s only been in my life a few weeks, but I can’t even begin to think about the hole he’ll leave when he’s gone.
“Let’s just try and stay in the moment.” He releases me from his arms.
But I don’t let go of him. I can’t. I want to take each embrace, kiss, and touch and commit them to memory. I know when Fisher leaves, life’s never going to be the same, and I’m going to want to bring out my memories of this time together for the rest of my life.
Eventually I let him go.
“Pool,” I say.
“Don’t forget wings.”
I laugh. “How could I forget the wings.”
After we win the two games, Rosey comes up to me and slings an arm around my shoulder. “I’m sorry for being a pain in the ass.”
“That’s okay. I know you only have good intentions.”
“Honestly, I’m so happy I met Byron, and it’s so completely unbelievable that I did. It shouldn’t have worked and we had the odds stacked against us. It just makes me want the same thing for everyone in the world.”
“I get that.”
“Wanna meet me at Grizzly’s again on Friday?” she asks. “Donna, Beth, Marge, and I are having a girls’ night. Wanna join?”
I want to say yes. I like Rosey, and hell, I know I’ll need a distraction. Mom will babysit. I’m just not sure I’ll want to do much in the days following Fisher leaving. “That’s so kind of you to invite me. I’ll see if I can get a sitter.”
“It’s been great getting to know you while Fisher’s been here.”
“You too, Rosey.”
I look over at Fisher chatting to Byron, and he turns to meet my gaze as if he could tell I was looking at him.
“Okay, we need to go now,” I say. For a second, I expect him to suggest we stay for one more drink, but as soon as he starts in my direction, I wonder why I doubted he’d want to leave.
We head out and back into the truck. Fisher looks at me expectantly.
“Where else to go but the falls?” I ask.
“I was hoping you would say that,” he replies.
“You must have guessed, given the cooler I had you load into the truck.”
“I had a tiny inkling,” he says, grinning as he puts Byron’s truck into drive.
I roll down the window and the breeze that fills the cab is warm and full of summer.
“It’s a perfect night,” he says.
Is it, I think, but I don’t say anything.
“Tell me what you’re thinking?” he says.
I glance across at him and realize that me not saying how I’m feeling is what he fears most: people not showing him exactly who they are.
“What are you thinking?” I counter.
“I asked first.” He smiles but there’s a nervousness about it I’m not used to with Fisher. What’s he scared of? That I’ll tell him that I want him to stay? That I won’t?
“I’m thinking that I wish AC in cars was never invented,” I say, as we pull up to the parking area by the falls. “I think we should always have to wind our windows down in summer. I think it’s good for the soul or something.”
“Oh, yeah. I agree. Except not if you live in New York City. Then when you’re stuck in traffic on Broadway, an open window is the last thing you need.”
Immediately I start to wonder if he’s saying more than his words. Is he telling me New York City isn’t a place I’d want to go? Or is he saying he doesn’t want to go back and needs a reason to say?
Maybe he’s just thinking he doesn’t want the windows down on a busy street.
He pulls out the cooler from the back of the truck and we head up the falls in thoughtful silence.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask him, as we take a seat on the blue checkered blanket I packed.
“Anything,” he answers.
I hold his gaze as I speak, because I want these words to count.
“I was also thinking that I’m really sad you’re leaving.
I was thinking how you’ve woken up a part of me I didn’t realize was sleeping.
I think you’re a really good man. You’re kind and funny.
I’m proud to have known you these last few weeks.
Grateful to have called you a friend. And flattered to have had you as my lover. ”
He reaches for my face and sweeps his thumb over my cheek. “I wish things were different,” he says. “Not because I’ve regretted these last few weeks, but because things are going to end, and I’m not sure I’m ready.”
A fist tightens around my heart. It’s not just me.
He sighs. “I’ve been trying to think of ways—”
I press a finger over his lips. “Don’t do that.” I shake my head. “Don’t give me hope.”
He takes my hand from his lips and presses a kiss to my palm. “All we have is hope.”
I shake my head. “After you leave, I have to bury every morsel of hope I have that you might come back. I don’t think I can survive any other way.”
“Oh, Juniper,” he says, his voice a mixture of pity and longing.
He presses his lips against mine and I push my tongue against his.
I want all of him. Now. I want to take as much as I can get, in the hopes that it will be too much and I’ll wear it out, whatever this is between us.
Because it has to be fleeting. It has to run out.
I have to get to the end of it. The alternative is way too heartbreaking.
If there is no end to what we have. If it were to go on indefinitely, then what I’m giving up is far more than I can cope with.
It’s a life I know I’d be forever happy in. A man who’s perfect for me.
It would mean Fisher is the love of my life. And that’s just unacceptable.
Our kisses are urgent and frantic, as we fumble to undress each other and ourselves.
When we’re finally naked, he gently guides me to my back and crawls over me.
The warmth of the sun still rests in the ground below us.
He presses kisses across my collarbones, one after another, like he wants to give me every last kiss he has.
I’ll take them all.
I try and block out the sound of the falls behind us. It’s a constant reminder of where we are and where he’s going to leave. It’s a ticking clock. A countdown to a time without him.
“Fisher, I need—”
He cuts me off. “I know,” he says. He’s not going to make me beg. Not now. He needs this as much as I do. He rolls on a condom and pushes into me. He doesn’t need to check if I’m wet. I always am for him. He just needs to fuck me. We both need this.
He moves in and out, above me, our eyes locked.
I want to stay like this forever but my body has other ideas.
It’s like he has some kind of manual on how to make my body respond.
It’s mental, but it’s also physical. Sometimes when I’m with him, it feels like I’m not in control of the sensations inside my body.
Like I’m a vessel for Fisher to do with what he wants.
“You feel so good,” he whispers, as he thrusts into me so deep, the air leaves my lungs.
“And I’m going to miss you so much. You feel like home,” he whispers, voice rough as he sinks into me, like he’s trying to memorize the way I feel from the inside out.
“And I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk away from that. ”
The words hit harder than any goodbye could. They crack something open in me.
I swallow the sob threatening to rise. I wanted this to be simple. Fun. Temporary. But he never played by those rules, and now I’m drowning in all the things we’ll never get to be.
“Why couldn’t this just have been about sex and a good time?” I whisper, my voice breaking. “Why couldn’t this be easier?”
His forehead presses to mine, breath catching. “Because then it wouldn’t have meant anything.”
And it did. It means everything. Which is exactly why it hurts so much.
I reach around him and pull him toward me, his chest against mine, our skin pressed together, nothing between us.
This is the last time I’ll feel him like this.
I can’t allow myself to think about how he might come back to the Colorado Club again.
I won’t do that to myself. Because once tonight is over, Fisher and I are done.
If I find out he’s in town, I’ll be avoiding Grizzly’s and his call.
I know that it’s going to be tough to watch him leave this time.
I’m not going to get through it twice. Once will be torture enough.