Chapter 41
FORTY-ONE
Juniper
I haven’t heard a single song Vivian has performed the entire night. She’s just finished her encore, and I swear it feels like it’s her first song.
“She’s so amazing!” Riley shouts beside me.
I grin at her and nod. My daughter’s so happy.
Everything feels worth it. The cost of flying here.
The hotel. Even seeing Fisher, despite how painful it was.
I can’t decide if I wish he hadn’t been here.
In some ways it would have been easier. I wouldn’t be able to picture him in New York.
His beautiful face wouldn’t be redrawn in my mind.
But it doesn’t make me miss him more. That would be impossible.
“Mommy, I wish we could watch her again tomorrow night.”
“That would be super fun,” I reply. Maybe I would have been able to take it in a little more if I saw it again. All I could think about was Fisher. “But she’s not performing tomorrow night. This is the only show she’s playing in the US this year. You’re a very lucky girl to have gotten to see it.”
“I’m a lucky girl,” she says. “But not just because I got to see Vivian Cross tonight. Because you’re my mommy.”
She flings her arms around me and squeezes me tight, and I kiss her on the head. Being able to bring her here, to see Vivian Cross, to experience New York—it’s been such a complete privilege.
The lights go up in the auditorium, and I deliberately don’t look over to where Fisher was sitting. Seeing him again was bad enough. We don’t need to draw it out.
“Follow them out of the seats, Riley,” I say, nodding toward the people leaving our row.
“I’m right behind you.” I follow her out of the opposite end of the row to where we were talking to Fisher.
I just want to get Riley into bed and have a few minutes to myself.
I need to stop thinking about how unfair life is.
Life is good. It gave me Riley. It gave me my ability to paint.
It’s beautiful. I’m being selfish for thinking anything else.
“Juniper!” Fisher calls from behind us. I pretend I don’t hear. Prolonging this isn’t going to help anyone. “Juniper!”
Fisher’s behind us, and despite wanting to keep walking, I stop, like my brain isn’t in charge anymore and my body is just doing what it’s told by Fisher.
“Hey, Riley. Hang on a second,” I say.
She turns, and her eyes light up as Fisher comes up behind us. I can feel his presence like you can feel when it’s going to rain. The air shifts and there are connections your brain makes.
He came back.
I turn, and he’s smiling at Riley.
“Did you guys enjoy the show?” he asks, scanning my face.
I shake my head slowly as Riley squeals and tells him all her favorite parts—which is all the parts. I can’t lie to him. I didn’t enjoy the show. All I was thinking about is how much I miss him and how I’ll never be truly happy, now that he’s gone.
Fisher’s gaze flits between us. He’s trying to listen to Riley, but I can see he’s concerned.
I’ve given up trying to hide that I’m okay without him.
I’ve given up trying to pretend that a clean break is going to make everything okay.
Because it won’t. Nothing’s going to stop this hurt inside.
I’m just going to have to learn to live with it.
“Let’s get you out of here,” he says. “I have a car downstairs.”
“We walked,” Riley says. “Our hotel is only a couple of blocks from here.”
“It’s late. My car will get you back more quickly,” he says.
I let Fisher guide me and Riley downstairs and along corridors until we go through another door, and suddenly we’re on the street.
“Here’s my car,” he says. He opens the back door, and the three of us slide inside, Riley in the middle. I should say no, but I don’t. He asks where we’re staying, and Riley gives him the name of our hotel and then jabbers on about the concert.
We arrive outside the hotel minutes later.
“Thanks for the ride,” I say, and I reach for the door handle.
I’m still getting out of the car when Fisher appears and offers me his hand to get out.
I smile weakly at him. “Thanks. You didn’t need to.”
“Yeah,” he says. “I did.”
I don’t have the energy to argue with him. Not even when he insists on seeing us into our room. “I’d like to talk. If not tonight, then tomorrow.”
“We’re on an early flight,” I say. “We have to leave the hotel at seven. And I need to get Riley into bed.”
“I’m so tired, Mommy,” she says, rubbing her eyes.
The three of us step into the elevator.
“Tonight then,” he says.
“Riley needs to sleep,” I say.
“I know,” he agrees.
We get to the door of our room and all I can focus on is Riley. She’s about to fall asleep standing up. “Sit on the bed.” I take off her shoes and socks and pull back the covers on the bed we’re sharing. “You can sleep in your leggings and t-shirt.”
“What about my teeth, Mommy?” she asks, as she crawls over to the pillow.
“They’ll survive one day.”
She falls onto the bed and closes her eyes. “I love you, Mommy.”
I pull the covers over her and press a kiss to her forehead. “I love you more,” I reply.
“Thank you for bringing me to New York.”
“You’re very welcome,” I say. Despite having to endure the pain of seeing Fisher again, it was completely and utterly worth it.
I turn, and Fisher’s watching us. The room isn’t big, and he’s only a step away from the bed. One step away from me.
Riley shifting on the bed catches my attention, and when I look around at her, she’s on her side, fast asleep.
I turn back to Fisher. He’s smiling.
“She was tired,” I say.
“I’ve missed you,” he says.
I sigh. Despite it feeling good to hear those words coming from Fisher’s lips, it’s not what I need. Maybe if he announced he was getting engaged or something, that would be easier.
“I want us to talk,” he goes on. “I want to see if we can find a way through this. Maybe we can split our time between New York and Colorado. Or maybe I can just come to live there—”
“Fisher,” I say, shaking my head. “We’ve known each other five minutes. You can’t be giving up your life here after five minutes. Who knows if we’d even like each other after a month.”
He fixes me with a look that tells me I’m being ridiculous.
“I don’t think even you believe that we couldn’t like each other after a month, a year, a lifetime. I know you’ve got a list of reasons why it might not work between us, but I know it will. I’m sure enough for both of us.”
“Your life is in New York,” I say, but my voice is weak.
He shakes his head and takes a step toward me.
“It feels like I’m giving up my life by not being with you, Juniper.
You’re my life. I know it hasn’t been long, but I know that I’m never going to feel about anyone the way I feel about you.
It’s impossible. It feels like you’re a part of me.
Maybe it won’t work out.” He scoffs. “I actually don’t think that’s even a possibility.
It will work out. We were meant to find each other.
I was meant to find you in Star Falls, and you’ve been there your whole life waiting for me.
I’ve never been surer of anything in my life. ”
He sounds so certain, like maybe his iron will could carry us both to the finish line, but it’s not enough. “I have a child to think about.” She’s had a happy, stable life in Star Falls. “I can’t have men coming in and out of her life. It’s not fair.”
“I’m here to stay,” he says. “I adore Riley. I’d do anything for you both.”
Tears gather in my throat. It feels so unfair that I’m not allowed to have this man in front of me. He’s everything I ever dreamed about.
“I love you, Fisher, but even though I want to, I just can’t see a way through.” My voice breaks on the last word. He puts his arms around me, and I sink into him.
“I love you, Juniper. And there is a way through. I’ll show you.
We can take it slow if that’s what you need.
I can stay at the Colorado Club. We don’t even need to move in together.
And then if you’re not happy—if you’re not the happiest you’ve ever been in your life—I’ll walk away and you’ll never see me again. ”
Tears fall at the thought of never seeing Fisher again.
“I want to believe you and I could work somehow, but I’ll hate myself every damn day if you’re stuck in Star Falls. You have a business and a life here. I don’t want you to give it all up for me.”
“You’re more than worth it. None of it means anything if I can’t have you.”
“Maybe… we could be in New York when school’s out,” I whisper against his chest.
“We can do that,” he says, dipping his head to try to meet my gaze. “I don’t want you to be sad,” he says. “I want more than anything to make you happy.”
“You do,” I say. “I’ve never been happier than being with you and Riley and watching movies and eating pancakes.”
“Well, why don’t we do that forever?”
I gaze up into his blue eyes and wonder if this is really possible. Could I really have a life with this beautiful man who’s holding me in his arms?
“You can split your time between Star Falls and New York during the semester—”
“Juniper, we can work out the logistics. But I need to know this is what you want.”
I nod, scared to say the words. I don’t know if I’m allowed to have a perfect life when I get my beautiful daughter, my dream career painting, and the man that makes everything make sense.
“Tell me, Juniper.” He takes my face in his hands and searches my eyes.
I take a deep breath. “You’re what I want, Fisher.”
It feels like an end of something, but I don’t feel sad, like I’m grieving anything. Maybe because it’s an end to my life without Fisher.
Tonight’s the beginning of something: our life together.