Chapter Seven
Zamora
When I opened my eyes and saw I was still in the hospital, the reality hit me that last night wasn’t a dream. I lost my baby. I immediately started to sob, but my crying was interrupted by my need to relieve my bladder. So, I threw back the covers and headed to the bathroom, walking with blurred vision and shaky legs. I held on to the wall rail with one hand while using my other hand to push down the hospital-issued panties and pad, so I could sit on the toilet. Looking down, I realized I had on a soiled pad, but there wasn’t another one in the bathroom for me to change it. I sat there for a few moments and got myself together, drying my face with my gown before pressing the call button for the nurse. I began to pray for strength. I needed the Holy Spirit to strengthen me to move forward because, at that moment, I didn’t have a clue why the Father had taken my baby from me. When the nurse finally came in, she was kind and even helped me back into my bed.
“The doctor will be in to talk to you in about an hour, and the breakfast menu is there on the nightstand. Be a good patient and make your selections,” she said with a dimpled smile.
“I don’t want to eat,” I replied dryly.
“I know, Mrs. Watts, but you need to eat something, even if it’s only something light. If you display any abnormal behavior, these doctors will try to make you look crazy,” the nurse said and winked. “I’m sure you’d rather be home with your family than in here with them making you sicker than you are,” she added with a tiny laugh.
I knew exactly where she was coming from. Nowadays, many doctors are more concerned about how much they can bill the patient and insurance companies than about caring for the person.
I picked up the menu and ordered breakfast, even though I knew I wouldn’t eat it. The doctor came in shortly after I had finished playing with my food. I assured her that I was mentally okay to go home, and she informed me that she would process my discharge papers.
After another crying spell, I pulled myself together the best I could and called my sister.
“Hey, Zee,” she answered with a lively pitch.
Not wanting to ruin her day with my situation, I took a few deep breaths and tried to sound as casual as possible.
“Hey, big sis. Is this a good time?”
“It’s a perfect time. I just finished my spin class and showered. Now that I’m energized, I’m thinking about giving Josh some early afternoon head,” she shared.
I covered my face with my palms and shook it. I did not want to ruin her high with my unfortunate news, but I needed her. I would tell my parents and Evan later. Right now, I just needed my sister.
“Wow! Well, as amazing as all those things sound, Big Nasty, I am at Mercy in the city and need you to pick me up if you can,” I said, getting straight to it.
“At Mercy? Sis, are you okay? When did you go to Mercy? Last we talked, you had an engagement party to cater. What happened?” she rattled off quickly with concern.
“I should be released soon, sis. Just come, and I’ll talk to you when you get here.”
“Zee, I can’t drive on pins and needles. Now tell me what in the hell is going on? Are you okay?” she asked again, sounding even more worried.
“No, I’m not okay, sis,” I replied, my eyes welling up. “I’m not. I lost my baby and I need you.” Repeating those words caused tears to spill from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. “Please just come, sis. I’m getting released soon and haven’t talked to Ev, Mama, or Dad. Just come right away, please. Okay?”
As much as I tried to control my waterworks, I couldn’t.
“Of course. Hang tight, lil sis. I’m on my way,” she confirmed and ended the call.
When I put my phone down, I allowed myself to cry while wondering if I would ever get over the loss of my baby. I finally calmed down after a few minutes and dried my face with the napkins on the table that once housed my breakfast tray.
The door opened after a soft tap, and it was the doctor with my discharge papers. As I scribbled my initials and signature on all the highlighted spaces, she stressed again that I could talk to someone if I needed to and suggested I follow up with my OB-GYN in six weeks. She assured me that I could take my time vacating the room, and it hit me that I needed something to wear. I quickly called my sister, and even though she was en route, she said she’d run to the nearest store to grab something for me to wear. When she walked in with a Target bag, I smiled.
“Thank you,” I told her.
“Anytime, lil sis,” she said, smiling back.
Within seconds, she was holding me, and I did all I could not to cry again. Again, I was unsuccessful.
“His will, will always be done,” I said through tears.
My sister, who was a non-believer, didn’t reply. Over the years, I had tried to show her the truth in the Messiah and our Elohim, but she was her own person. Still, I loved her without judgment.
“Have you talked to Evan? Does he know, sis? Why isn’t he here?” she inquired, frowning.
“No, I didn’t tell him, Zar. Not yet. I had to process this first and make peace with it, but I wish with every bone in my body this wasn’t real. For years, Ev and I tried to conceive with no success. Then he cheats and allegedly gets another woman pregnant, destroying us. Then we shared one night after months of not having sex, and boom––we made a baby. Now, here I am, Zar. My baby is gone. I…I…I don’t understand. This may have been my last chance to be a mother, be married, or even fall in love again. Damn, what have I done so wrong in my thirty-plus years to have lost the love of my life, my baby, and be played by Evan’s goofy, cheating ass?” I cried.
“Stop it. Don’t say shit like that, Zee. You will fall in love again, get married again, and have kids. I don’t believe in your so-called God, but if He is real, He will come through for you because you are an amazing person who serves and praises Him. Don’t feel defeated. The universe is not cruel to good people. You give good, so good will come back to you. That is what I believe, lil sis,” she said sincerely.
Even though she didn’t believe in my Abba, she gave credit to the universe. I appreciated her for being there for me.
“Just like you believe in the universe and science, I believe in Yah. So, I know you’re right. I have to continue to pray for understanding. Why did this happen to me? Why did I run into Marcus in Vegas? I tried to be a great wife, but Evan broke my heart. Now, the only man I have ever truly loved is getting married.”
“Come on, lil sis. Let’s get you dressed so we can get out of here,” she said with eyes that let me know she sympathized with my pain.
Once we made it to my house, Zaria stayed with me for a few hours to make sure I was okay. During our drive back, I decided I would go to my parents the next day to tell them the news. I just didn’t feel up to it that day. After my sister left, I waited for Evan to come home so I could talk to him, but by midnight, I called it a night.
As soon as I was settled in my bed, thoughts of him invaded my mind––thoughts I tried hard to keep at bay. A sense of overwhelming loneliness engulfed my mind and body. I closed my eyes tight and prayed for the Most High to erase the yearning for Marcus from my thoughts and heart, but my prayers weren’t answered. My mind, body, and soul were weak for him. I still ached for him despite knowing he now belonged to another woman, and we had zero chance of getting back together. Yet here I was in a loveless marriage with a man who didn’t give a damn about me, and I lost my baby. Why was this my punishment when I was true to the relationship?
“Damn!” I yelled, wanting to hit something to ease the aggravation I felt.
I had to admit I had made poor decisions. I left Marcus when I could have stayed, especially since he would’ve helped me pay for school if I had asked. Then, I married Evan when I knew I was in love with the idea of marriage and not truly in love with him. Truth is, I never trusted him. Evan had always been an outgoing socialite who loved entertaining others, and I knew that included entertaining other women. I guess I tried to fool myself into believing I could one day love him as deeply as I loved Marcus.
Damn, I still love Marcus. But why, when I know he’ll be getting married in thirteen months??
I hopped out of bed and got on my knees. I prayed to the Father to remove any feelings I had for Marcus, then climbed back into bed. Before I drifted off to sleep, I heard the front door and the sound of Evan disarming and then resetting the alarm system. I glanced at the clock; it was 2:29 a.m. I didn’t care where he had been or what he had been doing. Unbothered, I shut my eyes and prayed for sleep.
The following morning, I woke up later than usual, and I wasn’t surprised because I went to bed extremely late. I was grateful I had no appointments or obligations that day, but my staff went in to work because they had a heavy clean-up from the engagement party that Saturday. I assured them I would be back before our scheduled contracts that Thursday. Physically, I felt good, but emotionally, I was destroyed, and I welcomed the cries and breakdowns so I could grow stronger.
That evening, I cooked dinner and waited for Evan to come home so I could tell him about the baby. Again, he didn’t walk through the door until after midnight. I didn’t want to talk about it that late, but he needed to know, and I honestly wanted him out of the house. So, I went to his door and tapped.
“Zee, it’s late, and I have an early morning,” he gripped, irritated by my interruption.
“So do I, but this is important,” I countered.
I heard him release an annoying breath before saying, “Come in.”
Wanting to get this over with, I quickly pushed open the door and moved in the dark until I was standing by his bed.
“I wanted to tell you last night, but you came home late.”
He chuckled. “You want to comment about me coming home late after your ass didn’t come home at all Saturday night? I’m just matching your energy. I thought we could share this space respectfully, but if you want to pull all-nighters out in these streets, so can I,” he served back.
I couldn’t get angry; I didn’t call to let him know anything that night. So, he had good reason to feel the way he did. Even though he didn’t reach out to me, I could understand his point.
“Look, Ev, I wasn’t out Saturday night whoring or living my life like it was golden at some lounge or nightclub. I was at Mercy. I lost our baby that night and was too distraught to call you, and last night, I was too exhausted to get up and talk to you by the time you finally came home.”
“You what? What happened?” he inquired with what sounded like genuine concern mixed with disbelief.
“I was on a job. I felt discomfort and was rushed to the ER. After the examination, the doctor told me the baby was gone. They kept me overnight.”
“Why didn’t you call me, Zamora? What in the fucking hell?!” he roared. “Why did you go through that alone? Why did you think for a damn second that I wouldn’t want to be there?
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking about you or how you would feel. I was beyond devastated and had a lot of questions for the Most High. I just needed to feel it and process it alone,” I answered and then said, “You can’t continue to stay here. You have to figure something else out, or I’ll go. This setup is no longer working for me, Evan. This is not a life I want for myself, and I don’t want things to get ugly between us now that there is no baby.”
He rubbed his hand over the top of his head and then down his face. “I’m saddened and sorry we lost our baby, Zee, and I mean that on everything,” he expressed, then lowered his head. “But I suggest you figure something out because I’m not going anywhere. I want to keep the house. I need more time and won’t be rushed to vacate!” he declared.
Stunned but certainly not surprised, I replied, “Okay, I’ll be out soon. Goodnight.”
Pissed, I vacated the guest room and marched to the main room. I paced for a few moments, and then it hit me that I was no longer pregnant. So, I went for the wine. I poured a glass of red, drank it in one gulp, refilled it, and went to my bedroom with the bottle in hand. After polishing off the whole bottle, I dropped to my knees and prayed. My Father was all-knowing. Even through my heavy sobs, I knew the holy spirit would intervene for me. With that thought in mind, I fell into a deep wine-induced sleep.