Round Thirty-Eight
Billy:
How did you and Maggie meet, anyway? She gave me your bio before our first date, but she didn’t say how she found you.
Brienne:
We met within professional circles. Very casual.
*
Billy:
She said a red tie would make my eyes pop. Should I wear a red shirt this afternoon just to see how she responds?
Brienne:
Totally worth a shot! She was wearing a red dress the other day, so I get the feeling she likes that color in general. You can’t go wrong.
*
Cassidy has joined the chat.
Brienne:
Hey! You’re here. How was your date?
Billy:
Where is Maggie finding you people? Jesus. Seems she’s got 5’6” brunettes on speed dial. Was there a casting call?
Cassidy:
He’s so freakin’ in love with her, it’s sickening.
Billy:
Shut up! Also, I wore red on Wednesday, but she didn’t really seem to notice. Did I do it wrong?
Brienne:
Relax, Detective. I’m positive she noticed. Like, I don’t KNOW, since it’s not like I see her on a regular, random day. But I bet she was just too shy to say something.
*
Billy:
I stole a cookie from Jeremy’s cookie stash. I couldn’t help myself! The container was so tempting, and he’s only 8, so his hiding skills suck. Why do you think Maggie won’t bake cookies for me? Am I really that unlikable?
Cassidy:
You stole from an 8yo! That’s probably why you don’t get cookies. Karma sees all.
*
Billy:
She’s moved on from red. Now she says a green shirt would bring the green out in my eyes. Should I try the red again, though? She had a red elastic in her hair yesterday…
Brienne:
Wear green today. Try the red again tomorrow. Stop stressing so much. You’re giving desperate.
Billy:
I AM DESPERATE!
*
Billy:
I kissed her.
Brienne:
WHAT?? WHEN?
Cassidy:
How was it??
Billy:
She didn’t kiss me back.
Brienne:
Well… eek. That’s not ideal.
Billy:
No shit it’s not ideal! Fuck! I made everything 1000x worse.
Brienne:
It’s okay. It’ll go better next time. Bet.
*
Devina has joined the chat.
Brienne:
Ahhhhh! Finally! How was it?
Devina:
10/10 picnic. 5/10 company. 100/10 he’s obsessed with her.
Cassidy:
That’s what I said! How can’t she see this?
*
Billy:
Who TF is Scott? My kid told me this dude Scott is coming to Maggie’s place next week. Is it a date????
Brienne:
Errr… how could we possibly know that?
Billy:
I DON’T KNOW! But what if it’s a date? What if she loves him and not me?
Brienne:
[video attached]
Cassidy:
Ohhh! Calm breathing techniques. Nice one!
Brienne:
Watch the video, Detective. Try to calm down.
*
Billy:
I accidentally ran over Maggie’s lavender with my lawnmower. It was just a little bit. Like, 2 inches worth. I was in a rush to get Jeremy to the barber, and she was on her porch, fixing a lightbulb. I lost focus! Now she’s gonna think I did it on purpose, since I’m always bitching at her about it.
I swear, I didn’t mean to. It was an accident!
Fuck. She thinks I did it on purpose.
*
Eliza has joined the chat.
Alana has joined the chat.
Fox has joined the chat.
Rose has joined the chat.
Ramone has joined the chat.
Ramone:
What up, bitches?!
Of course, you understand I wasn’t calling you lovely ladies bitches, right? It was just a turn of phrase.
Billy:
WTF? Who invited him?
*
Ramone:
I’ve got a plan. It’s gonna be okay, ladies. Uncle Ramone’s plans always work out.
Billy:
Whatever it is, the answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT!
*
Ramone:
It’s barbecue day! Time to put this non-relationship into motion.
Alana:
Seconded.
Fox:
Thirded. Lord, can we get this show on the road yet?
Billy:
Why are you people here? This was supposed to be a group chat with my love experts. Not the whole fkn grapevine.
Brienne:
Sorry, boss. Ramone swung by the diner yesterday. One thing led to another and… Turns out we have mutual friends. He’s one of us now. Adapt. Regulate. Control your emotions.
Eliza:
Controlling your emotions is sexy. Women love it.
Rose:
Except in the bedroom. In the bedroom, women want you to go bananas.
Eliza:
You’re sleeping with my brother! Shut up about bananas already!
*
Ramone:
RED ALERT! RED ALERT! He’s dragging her through my house. Are y’all watching this?
If you damage my tiles, I’m sending you the bill, motherfucker!
I’m gonna go stand at the door and wait for them to come out of the bathroom.
Eliza:
You’re so juvenile.
Alana:
They’ve been in there a while. Eek!
Brienne:
I wanna be at that barbecue! Why can’t I be there???
Ramone:
Because Billy’s former date can’t come to my house while we’re trying to nudge him and Maggie together. It would make things awkward.
Brienne:
But I’m invested now! I started this group chat, and now I’m excluded from the irl get-togethers. That’s rude!
Devina:
If Maggie found out about this group chat, she’d probably freak.
Ramone:
Don’t sweat it, cutie pie. Once Maggie and Billy are finally sorted and we can all come out of hiding, I’ll invite you to my next thing.
Brienne:
You’re talking to me, right? I know you’re not, but I’m gonna make you say it out loud, so you know exactly how rude you’re being right now.
Ramone:
You’re too pretty to be bitter. Maybe your True Love will slide down the chimney this Christmas.
Also, I feel like a total creep right now. I’m standing in the hall, and I think we’re only at the halfway mark. My man has some frustrations to work through.
Alana:
DUDE! Step away from the bathroom door!
Eliza:
I’m so embarrassed for you all.
Ramone:
Oh! They’re done. Everyone shut up for a second.
I won’t lie. I’m a little horny rn.
Alana:
Dude!
*
Devina:
Errr… it’s been an hour since the last message. Everyone okay?
Ramone:
They’re in the hot tub together. Chill, cutie. He’s making his move.
Rose:
Jeremy’s in the hot tub, too. So it’s a G-rated move. Very respectable. Nicely done, Detective.
*
Billy:
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
*
Billy:
Should I mow Maggie’s lawn? It’s getting long enough to need a trim.
But if I do, she might think I did it as some kind of statement instead of just doing it, cos, ya know… I love her.
Fox:
Awwwwwwwwwww!
I have no advice. She’s feisty, and she might think you did it to spite her. Like you’re calling her lazy for not doing it herself or something.
Brienne:
I heard she’s been working a lot lately, so she just hasn’t had time.
Devina:
You could probably mow it, but smile next time you see her. Ya know, to let her know things are cool between you.
*
Billy:
Does anyone know where Maggie is? She’s been hiding a lot the last few days, and now this massive storm is rolling in.
I’m starting to worry.
Anybody?
Brienne:
I just texted her, since we’re pals. Sorta. Ya know, professionally. She said she’s leaving work soon and will head straight home.
She seems sad. Make your move, Detective.
*
Eliza:
Welp. I think he made his move.
*
Alana:
Uh… Billy. Your kid told my kid that Maggie slept in your bed last night.
Eliza:
Called it.
Billy:
Fuck! She’s gonna freak.
She’s freaking!
She’s so mad at me!
DO YOUR JOBS! How do I make her like me again?
*
Billy:
There was a guy at her house last night. Silver Honda Pilot.
I don’t like it.
Should I knock on her door and ask?
I’m gonna knock.
Alana:
Absolutely not! Don’t even think about it.
*
Billy:
She set me up on a new date!
I think I’ve lost her.
Oh God. That’s it. It’s all over.
Brienne:
Nothing is over until we’re dead and buried.
Alana:
Don’t go on the date. Duh! Tell her no.
Devina:
It’s time to tell her how you feel!
Billy:
I DID tell her how I feel! During the storm.
I don’t think she cares.
Eliza:
Tell her again, dingdong. And again. And again after that. Make her hear you.
*
Billy:
Who is this motherfucker?
[pic attached]
This is the second night in a row he’s been in her driveway. WTF?
Fox:
You did NOT take a picture of his car!? Billy!
Alana:
Do NOT run that man’s license plate through your computers, Detective. Don’t violate his, or HER, privacy like that.
Devina:
Seconded. Don’t be that guy.
Brienne:
I would typically say go for it, since I kinda get a kick out of whacking hornet nests with sticks. But in this case, I’m siding with the board. Don’t run his plates.
Billy:
Fine, I won’t.
You’re right. She told me she was done, so I have to respect that.
*
Billy:
I ran the plates.
Stuart Kyrell. 32yo, 6’5”, 240lbs. No outstanding warrants. No marriages on record. No divorces. No kids. No crazy debt or weird arrests.
Oh God. He’s dating material! Is she dating him? Does she like him?
He’s wearing a black shirt. What color eyes do black shirts emphasize?
Ramone:
There is seriously something wrong with you, homie.
*
Ollie has joined the chat.
Ollie:
Don’t go on that date, dickhead. Text Luciana and tell her no.
Rose:
Call us, Billy. Please. Before you get in your car and go, call us.
*
Rose:
Oh my gosh, Billy! Ollie said Jeremy’s in the ER. Is he okay??
I’m on my way!
Alana:
Wait. What!?
Brienne:
Woah. Your little boy? Is he alright?
Brienne:
Hellooooo? Can somebody answer me??!
Ollie:
Jeremy’s fine. Billy’s Billy-ing all over the fkn place. Which means my hospital is currently overflowing with hurt feelings, repressed emotions, and two grown-ass people who refuse to talk to each other.
Fox:
Has anyone checked on Maggie? She’s a suffer-in-silence type.
Ollie:
Yeah. I checked on her, cos Billy’s being the same old fkn Billy he’s always been. She burned herself too, dickhead. Rose is with her now.
Let me guess. You’re gonna back out of this conversation now and stay gone for the next eight years, right? It’s your MO.
Brienne:
Burned?? Is she okay? I’m gonna call her!
Raquel has joined the chat.
Raquel added Minka to the chat.
Raquel added Aubree to the chat.
Minka left the chat.
Luciana has joined the chat.
Brienne:
I think her phone is off. Why is it off?? Are you sure she’s okay, Ollie?
PS: Who is Ollie? This group has gotten a little out of hand.
Rose:
Ollie’s my mannnnnnn.
Eliza:
That’s my brother. Keep it G-rated, Rosaline.
Luciana:
Wowwwwza. Gimme a sec to scroll back and catch up.
Rose:
IT’S GISELLE!
Ollie:
Tuck your claws back in, babe. She comes in peace.
Notice Billy still hasn’t come back to clean up the mess he made? Fuckin’ pussy.
Rose:
Listen, Giselle. I’m sure you’re super nice and all. But I’m gonna need a minute to adjust to this new revelation.
Why do you have to be so beautiful, huh?
Alana:
Relax, tiger. She’s OG Plainview like Maggie is. It’s not her fault she’s so pretty.
Luciana:
Stoppp! You’re so pretty!
Fox:
I saw you in those magazines, boo. You’re hot enough to almost turn a woman.
My man knows what’s up, which keeps me on the hetero track. But if he didn’t do that thing he does… whew! You’re smokin’.
Luciana:
Stahhhhp! You’re making me blush.
*
Billy:
First of all, I’m right here, Oliver. So fuck you. I’ve been busy making sure my son was okay. Secondly, how about everyone stop telling each other how pretty they are and start helping me!? I fucked up.
Ollie:
Ya think? I said that up… Scroll… Up there. ^^
Billy:
She left the hospital last night, and now she’s completely ignoring me.
Ollie:
She LEFT the hospital? Or you LET her leave? It may seem like a small distinction to some, but I was right there, and my perspective tells a slightly different story.
Billy:
I already admitted I fucked up. Fuck! I’m not cutting anyone out of my life this time. I’m trying to fix it, so why don’t you get on board and help me, or STFU and leave the chat.
Brienne:
Tell us what happened, then we’ll try to offer advice.
Billy is calling the group.
*
Billy:
She’s having a yard sale.
Oh, God. She’s leaving.
Brienne:
Talk to her! It’s time you both sat down and actually had a conversation. This group chat has been fun and all, but I need you and Maggie to communicate face to face.
Devina:
I don’t claim to be a mind reader or anything, but it’s entirely possible she thinks you don’t want her. Talk to her.
Billy:
Of course I want her! I’m sick to my stomach watching her sell her shit.
Rose:
You’re WATCHING her sell her shit. Put yourself in her shoes and consider what she’s thinking right now. ‘Oh man. I really love Billy, but he won’t even come over and talk to me. Guess he wants me to leave.’
Raquel added Minka to the chat.
Minka has left the chat.
Raquel added Minka to the chat.
Minka:
Doctor Raquel! Cut the shit.
Detective Caster. I’m gonna need an update on that consult I sent over a few months back. Did you bag your killer?
Email me. Like a professional.
Minka has left the chat.
*
Brienne:
Make your move, Wilbert! It’s now or never.
Devina:
Right now! Our cover’s been blown! MAYDAY!