Chapter 40 Scarlett
FORTY
SCARLETT
My days after the gala are bizarre in a thousand ways. I had already decided to quit working as an escort after Nico’s fight, but it isn’t until my conversation with Amara that I truly come to terms with it.
It’s disappointing to realize how much of my life I centered around men.
For one, I have to figure out what to do with myself when I’m not in class.
Without clients, I have nothing to plan my daily schedule around.
I can sleep in late, run my errands whenever I want; I can spend an entire day—or night—rotting on the couch watching movies.
I’ll need to figure out a job eventually, but the one good thing about being a high-end escort who didn’t leave her house for years is that I have more than enough money saved to keep me comfortable for a while.
I can spend this time finding my new normal.
The other bizarre change is not having any obligations. Without any men in my life, I have no “reason” to workout, or get my roots touched up, or go clothes shopping.
Until I realize I miss doing those things.
So, I start doing them again. But this time, I do them for myself.
Instead of bleaching my roots so I’m the perfect shade of blonde from root to end, I ask for a shadow root and some dimension in my strands.
Instead of just running on the treadmill for two hours, I sign up at a local Pilates gym to try out some classes.
Instead of starving myself on a banana and a flavorless green shake, I swallow my guilt and experiment with new breakfast dishes that include carbs and actual sustenance.
I feel like an entirely new person, living an entirely different life.
I also make it a goal to visit one new place or try one new thing every day.
I’m sick and tired of living out of my apartment, spending the day in dread and the night in depression.
I want to experience life, not just let it pass me by.
One day, I visit the Banksy museum. Another day, I make it my mission to find the best slice of New York pizza.
I even do a solo date to a restaurant I’ve been dying to try.
I finally take a tour of the Statue of Liberty, and then go back again three days later when I can’t stop thinking about Ellis Island.
Thank God Nico came along and shook up my world.
Regardless of how things ended with us, that’s one thing I’m grateful for every single day.
If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have had the courage to start venturing out on my own like this.
He gave me a starting point, made me remember my interests that I had completely forgotten about.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t get sad when reminders of him appear.
Every day, I’m conflicted about my feelings for him. I miss him, probably more than I want to admit, but oftentimes, after I think of him, I remember our fight at the gala, and I’m hit with a wave of sadness and hurt. It’s hard to reconcile that with his apology.
I just wish I knew which ones were his real feelings. I want to believe he only pushed me away because he got scared, but…it’s hard. Whether it’s because of my long-standing trust issues or not, it’s hard to trust his words.
And then one day, I open my front door to find a wrapped present on my doorstep.
I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t a book on the psychology of love. And paired with it is a little handwritten note that says,
I love you because you’re the smartest person I know.
P.S. Don’t tell Lucas.
I let out a teary laugh as I read it. I’ve never been made to feel like my brain was something to be proud of. So hearing that Nico might love me for it…
I swallow roughly. It’s too much to hope for.
But two days later, there’s another gift waiting for me. This time, it’s the t-shirt Nico gave me the night I got sick. The one I loved wearing because it smelled like him.
It still smells like him.
This note says,
I’d love you through every sickness. It would be my honor.
I slump against the doorway, the memory of the time Nico took care of me crystallizing in my mind. I wondered that night if it meant he could love me, but it was too bizarre of an idea at the time to really consider it. Now I wonder if that was the first sign.
For the next week, there’s a gift waiting on my doorstep every other day. They don’t always come with notes, but the ones that do make me shed a tear.
A yoga mat for my workouts, because he loves me for how strong I am. Concert tickets to another Hans Zimmer show. A pink dog collar with a note that says,
I love you for your kindness. The way you love rescue animals tells me everything I need to know about your heart.
I always thought gifts from men would be clothing or jewelry. Any other man would’ve made the assumption that I can only be impressed by diamond earrings or expensive heels. But not Nico.
Nico’s gifts aren’t expensive, they’re thoughtful. They show me he not only paid attention to me, but that he also loves what he saw. He loves me for the qualities I never thought were lovable.
With every gift, my anger at him thaws.
But the day I open my door to an envelope, it melts completely.
There’s a Polaroid inside. When I look closer, I realize it’s a picture from the night of his fight, when we were out at dinner with his family. With the angle it’s taken from, I’m guessing his mom was the one who took it when we weren’t looking.
I choke on a sob at the picture.
It’s of Nico and me. We’re sitting at the table, and I’m smiling about something as I look down at my lap.
I look happy. I’ve never seen a picture of myself where I don’t look either poised or anxious, but in the picture Nico’s mom snapped, I look like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.
And then there’s Nico.
I’ve never seen what love looks like on a man. I never had an example growing up, and God knows my own relationships never included true love. Not the way it looks on Nico.
It’s in his eyes, in the way he’s looking at me. His arm is braced on the back of my chair, giving me space while also being close to me. And he’s staring. The sparkle in his eyes looks like it could be a painting. And he’s smiling at me, in a way I’m familiar with but have never truly considered.
He loves me.
Of course he loves me.
Even before these gifts and notes, I knew it every time we were together. He showed me when he listened to me, when he cared enough to do things for me.
I feel a tear run down my cheek as I turn the picture over. There’s a handwritten note on the back that just says,
I love you. I’ll always love you. If loving you through this picture is the only thing I deserve, I’ll still consider myself the luckiest man in the world.
It's in that moment that I realize…I love him.
Throughout all of this, he was patient with me and made me feel safe.
He took the time to show me why he loves me because he knew I needed to hear it.
He made me laugh when I needed some lightness in my day.
And if the way he loves his family is any indication, he loves with his whole heart. He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met.
And he’s everything I’ve ever wanted but was too scared to hope for.
Sliding the picture very carefully into my wallet, I quickly grab my keys and close the door behind me.
I need to see him. I don’t care about our fight at the gala.
I see now that it was his fear talking when he said what he did.
Knowing he loved me, knowing what it feels like to love someone, I can’t blame him for reacting the way he did. I don’t want to.
Maybe that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from Nico. That when you love someone…trusting is easy.
And I’m ready to trust him.