Chapter 12 #2
I follow her gaze. What is she looking at?
The old superhero movie posters on the wall?
Blueprints of Lune’s previous suits that litter the corkboard around my desk?
Pages of books I’d stuck on the wall by my bed?
The large, empty spaces I just haven’t had the energy or time to decorate? What if she thinks I’m boring?
Not like I care what she thinks.
But when I look back at Raven, her tightly knit brows suggest she’s gleaned zero information from her groggy analysis. ‘What’s going on?’
‘You—’ I start, but a knock on my door freezes me.
‘Tia?’ It’s Kiran. ‘I thought I heard something. Can I come in?’
Oh, crap. ‘Give me a second!’ I yell. I shake Raven’s arm. ‘Fox. Fox, you need to wake up.’
She moans. ‘Wha—?’
I shove my arms under Raven and scoop her up. Something about the weight feels familiar, but there are more important things to worry about. ‘I’m sorry about this. You have to hide. Kiran’s here.’
‘Oh shit,’ Raven whispers. But she’s barely awake, and her eyelids are half closed.
I stuff Raven in the bathtub and run to let Kiran into the room. He’s half dressed, in a smart shirt and loose shorts. ‘Kiran, hey. What’s up?’
‘Niko and I decided on something last night.’ He shoots me a tight smile, and his eyes dart to the room behind me. ‘They’ll be here in a minute, but are you free? Can I come in?’
I make a show of checking behind me. ‘My room’s a little messy. Can we talk out here?’
Kiran’s eyes dart around the corridor, near Harper’s room, as if evaluating whether she might overhear. ‘Fine, okay.’
The lift dings, and a second later Niko appears around the corner. They still look sleep-mussed and groggy, but their eyes brighten when they spot us. ‘Have you told her anything?’
‘Not yet.’ Kiran’s shoulders relax. Strange. I thought he was tense because he was about to deliver bad news, but every dark omen on his face disappeared when Niko arrived.
Is he nervous?
‘I’ll rip the plaster off.’ Niko draws closer, resting a head against the inside of Kiran’s shoulder as Kiran slides an arm around Niko’s waist. ‘We’re thinking of getting married.’
I blame the nerves crawling in my gut for delaying my reaction. ‘I— What? Oh my God, congratulations! Why were you so nervous to tell me?’
‘You’re practically our daughter.’ Niko gestures around them – my room, the penthouse, a home the three of us spent years building. ‘You have a say in it too. What do you think?’
‘Obviously I’m giving you my blessing.’ I rest my temple against my doorframe. Married. My chest warms.
Niko clears their throat. ‘But I don’t want to keep being a Sentinel while having a family.’
Wait, what? I straighten with a frown. ‘What are you saying?’
Niko and Kiran founded the Sentinels. It was always like that: Niko, Kiran, then me when they’d realized how strong my powers were. There’s no team without Niko and Kiran. Even if I do some missions alone, I can’t do that forever. I’m not ready.
I’m not good enough.
‘I want a stable family – you, me, Kiran. You know I didn’t get that growing up, and I—’ Niko sucks in a breath, puffs their cheeks as they blow it out.
‘I really want stability. With me and Kiran handling both company and Sentinel work, we three barely spend time together. I want to change that. But I can’t focus on that if my partner and I are still going out protecting the city regularly. ’
‘So you’re . . . quitting?’ Fear shoots down my spine. Alone. No one to rely on, no one to catch me when I make a mistake. Every mission will be a tightrope walk across a void, and if I fall, which I definitely will, how will I handle the world blaming me?
I dig my nails into my palm, welcoming the stinging bite.
‘Not immediately,’ Niko assures. Their gaze searches my face, and I know I might as well scrawl ‘DISTRESSED’ across my forehead – I’m not even trying to hide it. ‘Eventually. We’re trying to look for people to replace us. Maybe you and they can be the next team the city needs, you know?’
If Niko and Kiran leave, I’ll become the most experienced Sentinel on the team. It doesn’t matter who else joins – they wouldn’t be Niko and Kiran. I don’t think I’d even be able to trust them. ‘Sorry, I need a moment.’
I retreat quickly into my room, feet nearly stumbling, rocked by the swelling wave of self-repulsion rising in my gut. It’s only heaven’s grace that the bed is so close, because suddenly my knees buckle, my butt hits the mattress, and there I am – crumbled.
I can’t be a Sentinel alone. I still spend my quieter days battling insecurity, replaying my failures in my head before bed. I might be a damn good actress, but the farce only works with Niko and Kiran around. There won’t be a Sentinel in the team if they leave.
Nausea squirms in my stomach, and my throat burns raw from deep, desperate breaths.
Even though I know the drill, every new gasping inhalation only sends the world spinning quicker. I can’t slow my breathing.
‘Teacup,’ someone says from beside me. Niko. ‘Hey, follow me and breathe, come on.’
One in, one out. I know this. Doesn’t make it easier, doesn’t make me less dizzy.
‘Dizzy,’ I whisper to Niko. ‘Ice.’
Niko sprints off to get some, and they’re back in a second. ‘Open your mouth,’ they murmur as they slip it into my mouth.
It’s startlingly cold against my tongue. I focus on it as I shut my eyes. And, though the dizziness doesn’t subside, I wrangle some of my panic back into the tightly wound ball in my gut.
As the world stabilizes, reality rushes back to me: the bed under me growing uncomfortably warm, the piercing ceiling lights, every sound punching into my skull.
‘Can I hug you?’ Niko whispers. ‘If you’re feeling better?’
I hesitate, then nod.
They pull me in. ‘It’s a big responsibility. You’re still young. We’ll be here to help you. I’m so proud of you, you know?’
My mother never said that. Proud. I fight the wobble in my lip as the room blurs and I force my eyes open so the tears don’t fall. My shoulders shake involuntarily, tugging a choked sob from my throat.
Niko’s arms tighten around me, their hands rubbing my back in soothing circles. ‘It’s going to be okay.’
Chin rested on my head, comforting pressure around my arms: calming points on my body to which Niko’s practised in tending after years. Soon I can take proper breaths, and my tears are nothing but sticky tracks over my cheeks.
When I feel better, I pull away.
Niko hums and kisses me on the forehead. Behind them, Kiran shifts into my room, a shoulder leant on the doorway. ‘Sorry for springing this on you. We wanted you to know first,’ he says. ‘I—’
His smile falls. He straightens, his posture suddenly stiffening. ‘Wait. Does anyone else smell blood?’
Oh no.
‘Uh,’ I start, but it’s too late – Kiran’s already making for the en suite.
‘It’s coming from here,’ he mutters, before bursting in.
I screw my eyes shut. I can’t watch this. He’s going to see Raven, and I’m going to go to jail. Niko and Kiran will kick me out of their house, and I’ll forever remain the disgraced Sentinel of bad choices.
I open my eyes to accept my fate.
‘Huh.’ Kiran steps into the bathroom, which is . . . empty? ‘It’s so strong in here. Don’t you smell it?’
‘My period came last night,’ I supply before he can take another step further. There’s no telling where Raven is.
Kiran pauses, clearly still slightly confused. ‘Right. Is everything okay?’
‘Just the usual.’ I plaster on the biggest smile I can afford as Niko hugs me to their side. ‘I actually think I might not go to the labs today.’
‘Perfectly fine by me. I’ll let Harper know.’ Niko pushes off their knees to stand. They press a final kiss to my forehead before bringing Kiran out of the room with them.
The moment they’re both gone, I run for the bathroom. ‘Raven?’
‘For fuck’s sake,’ Raven gasps. She appears, all curled up on the toilet seat, her forehead sheened in sweat, a hand pressed to her abdomen. ‘Stupid magic is so much harder to use right now.’
I support her back into bed, and grab my bra from where I discarded it last night. Snagging a crop top and flared trousers, I slip into the bathroom to change.
Behind the cover of the door, exhaustion spills from me, joins the pyjamas pooled on the floor and the bloody rags I’d stuffed under my sink.
Cold tile presses into my back as I lean against the wall, a salve over my sore shoulders, which were bunched up all night from stress.
By the time I’d crawled into bed beside Raven, it’d been five a.m.
‘I’m wearing pyjamas!’ Raven shouts, apparently now upset about being clothed, and I resist the urge to slam my head into the wall. ‘Did you seriously strip me?’
‘You changed yourself and I didn’t look,’ I call back. ‘Wanted to keep the sanctity of my eyes!’
This is a half-truth. The real truth is I’d stared down at Raven’s unconscious body for three full minutes while battling the impulse to pull her mask off, and then I’d retrieved my old pyjamas and tried to change her.
Raven had shifted with a groan and pushed me away as I tried to take her shirt off, and she pulled the pyjamas on herself. Who’s going to prise my brain open and find out my knuckles had accidentally brushed Raven’s abs when I attempted to strip her? That’s between God and me.
When I yank the door open again, Raven has shrunk back into her blanket cocoon, but her head pops out to track my trajectory. ‘So, back there. You panic like that a lot?’
‘Why do you want to know?’ I rummage in my bedside drawer.
‘Add it to my evil little plans, in my evil little lair.’ Raven rolls her eyes and props herself up on her elbows. Almost nonchalantly, a little quietly, as if it’s just a vapid afterthought, she says, ‘I could kill you now, you know.’
I pause my search. ‘Well. So could I.’