Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
Juniper
I can’t get myself together today. The morning routine usually runs like a well-oiled machine, but today I feel like I’m trying to catch water in a colander.
All I can think about is Fisher driving off in Byron’s truck after he’d dropped me home last night, and he yelled out the window, “See you tomorrow.”
We promised each other no goodbyes. And he fulfilled his promise.
His words still hit like a sucker punch to my gut, and I collapsed on the porch crying.
I’ve just got to get through the next few days. I need to put on a brave face for Riley until the weekend and then I can retreat and… regroup. Rebuild myself.
“Do you have your backpack?” I yell. “And did you brush your teeth?”
Riley bounds out of her bedroom, baring her teeth. “Teeth are clean and backpack is by the door.” She skirts around me, heading into the kitchen.
I turn, following her. “And what about your lunch—”
She’s already at the refrigerator. “Got it, Mom. What’s with you this morning?”
I shake my head and grab my keys and sunglasses. “Nothing. I just didn’t sleep very well.”
“You’ll be able to sleep in this weekend.
” Riley’s excited that her dad is back in Star Falls, starting on Saturday for the start of Riley’s summer vacation.
It couldn’t have come at a better time. I need to get into the studio and let out all my feelings onto the canvas.
Then maybe all these conflicting feelings I’m having about Fisher will stop churning inside me. “Are you going to paint?” she asks.
“Come on,” I say, heading out the door. “We need to leave for school.”
“But, Mom, are you going to paint?” She looks a little distressed.
“Yeah. I guess. Why?”
“I’m going to be with Dad for nearly two whole weeks when school is closed. You won’t have work to keep you busy, and I don’t want you to be lonely. Especially now that Fisher’s gone.”
My heart snags at her concern for me. I ruffle her hair and nod toward the car.
Riley said her goodbyes to Fisher when he came to pick me up for our final date last night. He handled it expertly, just telling her that he’d see her around. I think she expects that he’ll be back next week. But he won’t, and I need to come to terms with that.
“I’ll be fine,” I say reassuringly. “It’s not like tidying up this place is going to take me an hour. I have plenty to do. Don’t you worry about that.”
She grins at me as she gets into the back seat. “Dad says we can go fishing.”
“He’s taking you to the lake?”
“Yeah, and he says we can camp and stay overnight and stuff.”
Shit. He should have discussed that with me. He’s not exactly a mountain man. I’m not sure if he’s capable of spending the night in a tent. He was always very particular about his bedtime routine.
“Wow,” I say. “That sounds like fun. So long as it doesn’t rain.”
“It won’t rain.”
I laugh. There’s nothing that beats a child’s optimism. If her dad has promised her a camping trip, then he’s going to have to follow through. I’ve seen that expression in Riley’s eyes before. She’ll be staying in a tent on her own if she has to.
I make a mental note to order a few things that might make an overnight stay a little more child friendly. And also to talk to Riley’s dad about the location of this proposed trip. I need to understand if he’s properly thought this through.
“You know how much I’ve wanted to camp.”
Did I? I’ve never heard Riley mention camping before. There are a thousand new obsessions every week, it seems.
I put the car into drive and we head out in the direction of the school. “Did you remember your lunch, Mom?” she asks from the back seat.
I sigh. It’s still in the refrigerator. “I’m grabbing something with Miss Peters today,” I lie, referring to another of the teaching assistants. She doesn’t need to know her mother’s a mess this morning.
“Oh. Cool. Wouldn’t it be good if Dad came to Star Falls during school one time? Then I could show him my classroom. He’s never seen inside. Not even last year.”
“Yeah. That would be fun. But you know he doesn’t want to share you with school,” I say.
Fact is, her dad could come to Star Falls more often.
Frankly, if Riley’s schooling was important to him, he could have arrived a few days early and arranged a meeting with her teacher.
But he leaves all that to me. He always has.
At least this way, I’m on top of everything.
“Did he send you his flight details yet?” Riley asks.
“Not yet, sweet girl. But he will.”
“I just don’t know if he’s going to be here in the morning, or will I have to wait until the afternoon?”
Last time Riley’s dad visited, I picked him up from the airport. It was Riley’s idea. She wanted to meet him with a banner. I agreed her father coming into town should be an exciting event. I hoped that it would help mitigate the fact that his visits are so infrequent.
My phone buzzes and my stomach turns inside out.
For a split second, I think it might be Fisher.
But of course it won’t be. We agreed that when he left Star Falls, we’d have a clean break.
There was no way of continuing our relationship, and I didn’t want to have false hope or be disappointed when he said he was coming to town and then didn’t, or said he’d call and then got caught up with his life back in New York.
A clean break is better. For both of us.
It won’t be Fisher that’s texting me, even though a part of me wants to hear from him.
It will be lunchtime in New York City soon. I wonder if he eats lunch in his office. Or maybe he eats out a lot? Maybe even every day. I think that’s common in New York. Or maybe he prefers to have lunch at his desk. Or with his team? I have so many unanswered questions. Things I’ll never know now.
“Mom,” Riley yells, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“I said do you think we’ll have to memorize spelling during the vacation? Because if we do, I don’t think I should take them to Dad’s. I don’t think we’ll have time to do them.”
“Right,” I say. “We can just do them when you come back.”
“We’ll have plenty of time. I’ll be able to spend the entire rest of the summer with you.”
“I know, sweet girl. I want you to have fun with your dad.” I turn into the school grounds and find my normal parking space.
Riley spots the message on my phone. “Mom, Dad sent you a message. Please can I see it?” she asks. “I bet it’s the time of his flight.”
“It probably is,” I say, opening the text as Riley looks over my shoulder.
But it’s not the time he’s going to land tomorrow.
I scan the text, taking in snippets.
I’m not going to make it.
Fiona’s sick.
Tell Riley I’ll make it up to her.
I press the side button on my phone to make the screen go blank, but I’m pretty sure I’m too late.
I turn, and the expression on her face crumbles my broken heart into pieces.
“Mom?” she says. “Dad’s not coming?” Her tone is hopeless and dripping with disappointment.
I clamber out of the car and slide into the back seat next to Riley. I undo her seat belt and pull her onto my lap. “I don’t know. Let me read it properly.”
With Riley sitting on my lap, I open the phone and read the text in full. She’s seen the worst of it. There’s no point hiding it now.
It’s even worse than I first thought. He’s not coming, and he’s not going to be able to reschedule because of prior commitments. Wasn’t Riley his ultimate prior commitment? Everything else in his life seems to come before her since he moved to Florida.
“Mom, that means I won’t see him all summer. I’ll be nine before I see him again!”
I pull her against me, trying to provide a little comfort. There’s nothing I can say that’s going to make this better. Nothing I can do. Her father doesn’t put her first. I have no idea what that must feel like, what that must do to her brain. To her heart. But it breaks mine.
“I’m so sorry, sweet girl.” I press a kiss to the top of her head and I don’t let go, even though it means we’re both going to be late to class.
It’s on days like this that I wish I had a different job.
One where I wasn’t in the same school as Riley.
I could take the day off and keep Riley home with me.
I’m inches away from getting back in the driver’s seat, driving us both home and putting on a movie.
This isn’t fair to her.
Life isn’t fair.
“Mommy, I don’t want to go to school. And I don’t want to see Daddy ever again! You can’t make me.”
I close my eyes. I wish I could take away the pain she feels.
If she hadn’t seen the text, maybe I could have called him and given him hell.
Told him he needed to step it up or he’d lose his daughter’s love and respect.
He’s going to get that call from me anyway.
But it won’t take away the disappointment Riley feels now.
That’s what I want to do. Scoop up her pain and bury it deep in the mountainside, where it will never surface again. Riley deserves better.
This is exactly why I didn’t want to date after Riley’s dad and I broke up.
I didn’t want another man in her life to let her down.
One is plenty. My heart breaks for her, and I hope against hope that she doesn’t learn to love men who let her down and leave her.
I don’t want her to have to go through this any more than once. With her dad.
In that moment, I’m grateful Fisher left when he did. I’m pleased there’s no hope that he’s ever coming back. That way, he can’t hurt Riley. He can’t hurt me.