SWITZERLAND.3
But he called because Switzerland wasn’t a coward. He never ran away. He always stepped up to the plate, regardless of how tough things were.
Switzerland always preferred talking on the phone. While I prefer text. I guess with him being a musician and hearing the music, this may be why. And me, being an author, I speak better through written words.
I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to anyone more on the phone than Switzerland. Looking back, I actually miss it.
We spoke about the letter, and I told him this was on me. I knew what I had signed up for. He was caring and kind, not wanting to hurt me. He explained about his walls and why they were in place. He knew he was leaving and that’s why he didn’t get attached.
He wasn’t inconsiderate of my feelings. On the contrary. But he also made me feel a little the fool. Was I in denial this entire time together? Had I misread the times we shared?
Not what a romance author wants to hear, but it was the truth.
He could have ghosted me.
He could have made it weird.
But he didn’t.
In his usual manner, he laid it all out on the table. Although it wasn’t the response I wanted, it was better than no response at all.
I still didn’t know how he felt, and when I questioned him, he gave me an analogy in true Switzerland style.
It made me laugh.
But it also made me sad.
Switzerland was right boy, wrong time. And the reality of it was it would probably never be the right time for us because he made it clear that he was never coming back.
So what to do…
The sensible thing would be to end things then, but he was leaving in seven days. What more damage could be done in seven days?
A lot…
The next day was our shoot for LOVE HARD.
Back up a moment.
In case you hadn’t guessed, that boy on the cover is my Switzerland. I asked him to do the shoot with me because I didn’t want anyone else to do it. Even though we weren’t together, I would never look back at our pictures with regret.
Only happy memories to how he once made me feel.
It was about five billion degrees; the first hot day in forever. I got my hair and makeup done. I was excited to shoot with Switzerland. He made it clear he only was comfortable showing arms and hands. I was okay with whatever he was happy with.
Bunny called and asked if we could push the time out to later because it was too hot in the studio. It made sense.
But I knew Switzerland was on a tight schedule, organizing things before he left.
I asked if he could do later, and he said not really.
I understood, but again, it felt as though I had dedicated my time to someone who put me second best. I asked if there was a way he could make it work.
He said no and that I had this.
He was short on the phone, something he never was.
My stomach dropped when he hung up, wishing me the best.
I don’t know what just happened, but I didn’t like it.
I couldn’t help but feel this response was because of the letter.
How could I be so wrong time and time again?
I didn’t understand why my track record with men was so bad. But I honestly thought Switzerland was different. However, he knew how important this was to me, yet here I was, questioning what the fuck I was doing for the past few months.
But a minute later, my phone rang.
It was Switzerland.
And when I answered, he proved to me what I always knew to be true—he was the real deal.
“I can do it later. Come over now, and we can chill until the shoot.”
That was Switzerland’s favorite word—chill.
And that’s what he always was. He was calm and always greeted me with a smile on that goddamn beautiful face.
And that was the case when I arrived at his house, and he greeted me at the door, just how he always did with a big smile on that face, which I was going to miss so very much.
We hugged big, and I thanked him for doing this for me. I knew he was strapped for time, but he sacrificed his plans for me.
It meant a lot.
The shoot wasn’t for a few hours, so we “chilled.”
I wanted to address the letter face to face, and he said something that resonated profoundly.
“I’m sorry I can’t be your Prince Charming.”
I don’t know why, but those words still make me sad. They remind me of what we could have had.
I said he was a good man.
He said I was a good woman.
There was never a lack of affection between us. There was always just the fact that he was going.
We spent hours in his room, just how we always did
Talking.
He offered me his hand, always in constant touch.
The night was warm, and we lay on his bed together. It was something I will always remember because it’s in the simplicity that I find so much.
When the time to shoot came, I looked at my boy and was so thankful for him. He was so damn hot, and when we were told to pose, he grabbed me how he always did and took charge.
The chemistry can’t be faked. That’s evident in every single shot. That’s the reason I wanted to shoot with him. I knew this would be conveyed. So every expression, every placement of our hands, every goddamn look, it’s who we are.
It’s how we feel—and you can’t fake that.
I loved dozens of the images, but the one I chose means so much to me because it’s us. The look on his face reminds me of so much. There’s a reason to it, and that reason is written all over that beautiful face.
Being this way with someone is rare for me because I don’t usually connect this way.
Yes, Ghost affected me, but this was different. I wish I could explain how so, but being with Switzerland just felt natural.
He always seemed to know where to catch me so I wouldn’t fall, and I mean that in every sense there is.
He wasn’t overly affectionate, but he was in his own way.
The shoot captured some beautiful moments, ones which are forever encapsulated in time. And I wanted to share that with you.
An hour shoot ended up being almost twelve hours. That’s how long we spent together. Switzerland was so strapped for time, but he put aside time for me because that’s who he was.
He never asked for anything in return.
Never.
It was quite late after the shoot. I hadn’t even driven for two minutes before he told me to pull over and he would drive home. Always the one in control. But I liked it. He always made me feel safe.
I snapped a photo of us—his hand on my thigh.
Again, it’s the simplicity that I appreciate, and I will always remember the feel of his hand on my skin.
Just as I’ll always remember his lips pressed to the back of my shoulder as he kissed me, holding me tight.
Being with him was effortless.
The night came to a close with a kiss goodbye.
Only six more to go…
The days leading up to Switzerland leaving were like any days before it.
I knew he was going, but I guess nothing really changed between us, so perhaps ignorance is bliss. He messaged and called me as usual, explaining his day, just as he always did.
Even though each moment was slowly ticking down to the inevitable, I didn’t dwell on it. I knew he was leaving. My head accepted it. My heart, however…
Switzerland was leaving on Thursday. It was now Tuesday.
He called me and told me to come see him after he finished seeing his brother and friends.
The day had arrived. Was I prepared?
Not at all.
The moment I pulled into his driveway, he opened the gate and greeted me as he always did.
With that big smile.
He gave me a kiss on the lips, just how he always did, and we walked inside.
His house was packed up with only a few things remaining.
I looked at the place where many memories were made and felt my heart sink. This was really happening, and I was not prepared.
We spoke for a while before we went into his room.
He’d sold his bed, but he had a spare mattress set up on the floor. I took off my shoes, just how I always did, before getting into my side. He did the same.
He had mentioned a while ago that my side of the bed smelled of me and the cream I used to massage him with. It touched me at the time, but now, it just made me so sad. This was the last time I was to lay on my side of the bed with the man I had fallen for.
Where’s the justice in that?
We lay together and spoke how we always did. He was excited to move. He was also anxious and overwhelmed because uprooting your life is a big thing.
I listened, savoring each moment spent together because they were soon becoming our last.
Again, the entire time we lay in his bed, he ensured I touched him. I will always remember him for that. My boy who was insistent that I didn’t break down any walls was the one who always offered me his hand.
I asked if he showed his family our photos. He said he had. I didn’t think he spoke about me to his family, or anyone, in fact, but he said something which proved otherwise.
He had mentioned that a family member had said I had been so nice to him. I don’t know why, but it touched me so. It proved that he did speak about me, and the things he had said were all spoken in kindness.
Switzerland never really opened up, but this showed me that he did feel something for me—he may not have wanted to admit it, but I like to believe I affected him as much as he affected me.
The inevitable loomed, and he was the one who said it first. He was the one who said what I couldn’t.
“I’m going to miss you.”
My heart ached, and I forced back my tears.
I turned onto my side and replied, “I’m going to really miss you. This sucks.”
Silence before he bent down to hug me.
Switzerland said some beautiful things. It was all encouraging and promising for our futures, but a future lived apart.
It hurt because he always had an endgame.
He was focused on leaving.
And me, all I wanted was for him to stay.
He wanted me to know that what we shared wasn’t just physical. That it extended beyond that. It was nice to hear that he liked hanging out as much as I did. And that’s the reason it was so hard to say goodbye.
To connect on all levels is a rare thing.
He made me laugh.
He made me hot.
He made me feel safe.
He was so much, yet I always felt like what we had was never enough.
He tried to lighten the mood by saying he was the one who got away.
I told him to get over himself.
But he was right.
“You’re never going to find a man like me,” he said with a smile. “You’ll never find a man who will sing to you on cue like I do.”
And he was right.
The more comfortable you grow with someone, you begin to build your own little world. And that’s what we did.
One day, I asked him something, and when he didn’t reply, I said, “Yes? No? Maybe?”
And without warning, he broke out into a theme song from a TV show.
It was a long song too, and each time, he ensured he sang every word to it. It made me laugh. So he made sure he never missed a word.
It was our thing.
He said if I was ever sad or needed to talk, all I needed to send him was those three words, and he would sing to me.
It really was a beautiful thing.
“You’ll be on a date with a man, and he’s eating a steak, and you’ll say, so do you like your steak? Yes? No? Maybe? And his response will be yeah, I guess.”
I laughed, but to think of myself on a date with someone other than him made me sad.
I reminded him that I was a vegan, not that he could forget. But the analogy made me laugh.
There are no words to ever express goodbye to the person you don’t want to go.
I said to him, “So what are your parting words? How does our story end?”
I was curious.
He hugged me tight and said, “It’s not going to be the song.”
He knew me too well.
“You’re just going to have to wait until I say goodbye. But this isn’t goodbye. You’re going to see me again.”
That’s what everyone says.
But distance changes so much.
He said so many things to me to ensure I would be okay. That we would see one another again and that we’d always be in one another’s lives.
And perhaps we would be. But it wouldn’t be in the way I wanted, and I wondered if maybe cutting him lose would be the easier thing to do.
Cold turkey.
If I can’t have all of him, then I don’t want him at all.
I didn’t want to hold on to pieces when I wanted the whole thing.
It’s too hard to love someone from afar.
He wanted me to live my life and wished me all the happiness I deserved.
“Thank you for crossing the moat to meet me outside your castle walls,” I said, and I meant it.
That’s the analogy he used to explain why he didn’t get attached. So many walls built around my boy. I wish I had more time because even though he always said he wished he could be my Prince Charming, if time was on our side, then I think I could have slayed his dragons because I didn’t need a Prince Charming. I didn’t need saving.
All I wanted was my king to rule alongside his queen.
He smiled. “I crossed the moat to meet you, but now, it’s time to retreat back into the castle.”
I could feel the tears approaching.
It was time…
I put my shoes on, and he waited for me in the living room.
Once my laces were tied, I took one last look around the room and committed it to memory because I knew I would never be here again.
Switzerland wouldn’t be back. He was too stubborn not to succeed. He would throw everything at his new life, and I knew he wouldn’t give up. A trait of his I always admired.
Now, it just hurt.
It’s amazing how a place can affect you so.
Or a smell.
Or a hole in the wall where the possum once lived.
Or even a spilled coffee stain on the curtain.
All of these little things mark that particular moment or place special because they will always remind you of a moment in time. A moment you can never relive.
I would never make any new memories with Switzerland, so I ensured to hold on to the ones I made with him in this very room.
We laughed a lot.
We spoke for hours.
He called me his girl as he kissed my shoulder.
No new memories would ever be made in this room again.
No matter what anyone says, no one is ever ready to say goodbye to someone they don’t want to let go. But I left his room with a happy sadness in my heart.
There was silence between us as he walked me to his door. He complimented me on my shoes.
“So sparkly,” he said, and all I could do was smile.
It’s funny the things we remember when something monumental is about to happen. I’m certain so much more was said, but him talking about my shoes made me happy because he knew how much I love my shoes.
I wasn’t ready.
But the truth is, I never would have been.
He opened the door, and we walked outside.
I turned around to hug him tight, the words stuck in my throat.
“You’re going to live in your house by the sea,” he said, a dream of mine I had shared. “You’re going to kill it. I know it.”
Tears stung my eyes. “Thank you for being so beautiful. My beautiful boy. I’m going to miss you so much.”
“Likewise,” he said softly, hugging me tight. “I’m going to miss you too. I’ll call you from the airport.”
“Safe travels.”
I let him go forever, and my heart, fuck me, my heart was heavy with regret.
I wanted to say more, but there will never be enough words to say goodbye to someone you wanted to love but never could. I looked at him one final time, thankful to have met someone as incredible as him.
I didn’t see Switzerland off at the airport.
I wanted to, but it just didn’t happen.
I texted him in the morning, and he sent a message back.
Nothing had changed.
I told him I missed him.
He said he missed me too.
I tried to keep busy during the day, and how I did that was by writing what you’re reading right now.
Words, they’re so powerful.
The only way to properly express how I feel is to have you live through my words in real time. The pain was heavy in my heart, and when I saw my phone ring, the caller being Switzerland, I knew this was really it this time.
He called just as he was about to board. The gesture was so reflective of him.
Always kind to me. Always showed he cared.
He told me about his final day, and we spoke how we usually would.
He said his goodbyes to family and friends, and I could hear they were bittersweet. It’s always hard to leave the ones you love behind, even if a bright future is ahead.
I didn’t want our last goodbye to be tainted with sadness, so I asked him about his plans.
He was ready.
He said something that resonated. Rather, it was what he didn’t say that touched me.
“I just thought I’d call you and say…”
A very long pause.
He finally opted for, “Have a good week.”
I always wondered what he wanted to say as I don’t think have a good week was it.
But in the silence, we can fill in the blanks, and like a choose-your-own-adventure story, I choose to believe he wanted to say he’d miss me too. That being together was fucking incredible, and that we will always share something special.
Sometimes silence speaks volumes, and this was one of those times.
We spoke some more, never any uncomfortable silences. Never a goodbye lingering on the horizon, and I realized that was because this wasn’t goodbye.
Perhaps a goodbye for now?
One can only hope.
As he spoke, it reminded me that I was so glad to have taken a chance on the man who changed my life profoundly.
He said we would speak all the time, and he would let me know when he arrived. It was as if nothing was different, but we both knew that wasn’t true.
The announcements sounded over the speakers, as it was time to board.
I wished him a safe flight and thanked him for calling, as it meant a lot.
And his parting words were so typical of my boy. Always thanking me. Always grateful for me being in his life.
“Thanks for everything. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.”
And that was it.
He has a quote tattooed on his arm, and after getting to know him, I realized how appropriate it is. He worked hard. He had big dreams. He is chasing what he wants in life, and I admire him for not being a slave to the grind.
This is one of the many reasons I fell so hard for him.
He is driven and focused on achieving his dreams. So how can I be bitter about that?
I can’t.
I’m sad, yes, of course I am, but knowing he left to challenge himself and grow takes guts. He didn’t want comfortable. He wanted to explore what this life had to offer him.
I know, dear reader, you may be wishing for something a little more dramatic. Perhaps he never left.
But he did.
His parting words weren’t climactic, but they were him. He didn’t make a fuss. He didn’t express his undying love for me because this was never going to end that way.
I knew that.
But the fact he assured me we would speak just how we always did makes me have faith that perhaps he would stick true to his word, and we will forever be in one another’s lives. And I believe in one way or another, we will.
It’s been over six months since Switzerland left, and although I wanted to end his chapter on a different note, I thought it was only fair to bring some kind of…closure, perhaps.
Switzerland and I spoke like we normally did when he first moved. Things weren’t easy for him, and moving proved to be quite the challenge. But he of course made it work, just as I knew he would.
He called me often in the beginning. I had hope.
But with time, he began to fade into the shadows, and he soon felt like a dream. He became a distant memory, and I wonder if this was because my heart was trying to cope. I tried to keep in contact, but he fed me the bare minimum.
I felt like I was the one making all the effort. He was settling into his new life. I understood. I knew this was destined for us. But as the weeks gave way to months, Switzerland became white noise, and I lost sight of him. He would occasionally check in by being present in my socials, but any actual conversing stopped.
When the cover of LOVE HARD released, he sent me a congratulatory message.
It was so…curt.
Unlike what I expected a past lover to send.
M?tley and Sparkles had told me to detach. But goddamn, he still affected me.
The messages were so scarce between us. It made me sad when he did message as it was a reminder of what we shared.
I didn’t want this weirdness between us. I didn’t want it to taint the happy memories I had of him. So I sent him a message, not really sure of the aftermath.
It went something along the lines of: You speak to me like we never kissed…
He replied as I knew he would.
I know, but we’re 15,000km apart, my darling woman. What am I supposed to do?
That’s just a number…
I typed back.
He never replied.
And it’s okay.
There wasn’t anything he could say. It was fact. It was something I knew from the beginning.
So I wish I could present a happier ending. But that’s not how life works.
He still checks in with my socials. As I do with his.
There really isn’t much we can do as we both agreed that long distances don’t usually work.
So it feels as though we’re both a ghost in one another’s life, watching from afar but never getting too close.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do hope we will see one another again. I don’t think it will be the same as those simpler times in what feels like a lifetime ago, but I do know that I will never regret meeting him.
He is doing so well in his new life, and that’s all I ever wanted for him.
So the question is, will Switzerland and I see one another again?
Yes?
No?
Maybe?