Chapter 18
Leah
The sun had set two hours ago, but going anywhere near the house felt like inviting disaster. But if I didn’t make my calls, my mother, my boyfriend Greg, my brother, and Cassie might spiral into a panic. They might think I’d gone on the lam, running across the country like a loser.
As bad as that might be, if I did go make the calls, I’d have to see him . Seeing him was to be avoided at all costs.
Screw it. If they got nervous, they all had Kade’s number and none of them were bashful. They’d call him up and he’d have to figure out what to say about why I hadn’t called. It wasn’t as if I felt like listening to my mother talk about her drapes or the latest event she’d attended while I was dead on my feet after mucking out stalls all day. I hadn’t cared before, and my tolerance had been way higher then.
My tolerance for everything she did was higher before I ended up here. For the thousandth time, I reminded myself it wasn’t her fault I was here. She hadn’t realized who the man she married was. I couldn’t let my rage for him spill onto her. And if I just kept reminding myself of that, maybe it would work one day.
This wasn’t the day, though. I thought about my life and where I’d ended up because of that man. I’d known better. I’d kept my distance from him for a reason, and still, look what had happened.
I settled onto my little bed, turned on the light, and picked up the book Missy had lent me. Not much else to do, since I wasn’t allowed to be in the bunkhouse socializing in any kind of way, I didn’t have a phone or Wi-Fi, and there was no TV in here.
I pulled my blanket up over the fuzzy sweatpants, also thanks to Missy, and tugged up the extra throw from an unknown donor that I’d found on my bed. It was thick and felt like wool. I’d have to find out who’d dropped it off. With the lousy heat in my shed, it was a lifesaver.
There was a knock on my door.
“Come in.” I looked up from my book to see Kade walking over the threshold. “I take it back. Get out.” I went back to looking at my book, feigning reading.
“You didn’t come up to the office to make your calls or shower.”
“I showered at Missy’s and I didn’t have anything pressing to say. Now get out.”
He didn’t move, and I was in my pajamas in the only place I could go for privacy, or was before he came.
“You get to make calls once a week and you have no one you want to call?”
“No. And I believe, according to the agreement, the one you’ve obviously studied intensively, I’m under no obligation to make any calls. So I’ll say it again: get out.”
Not only did he not leave, he walked a couple of steps and leaned a hip on my dresser. He shoved up his shirt sleeves and crossed his arms.
He might be a different man, but he still smelled like the Kade I’d always known. When I was a kid, in his arms had felt like the only safe place in the world. His smell had been the scent of my happy place. I’d bury my face in the crook of his neck, and for a few minutes, nothing could hurt me because he wouldn’t let it.
Now he was the one inflicting the pain. Had all of my memories been skewed by a childish adoration that the adult couldn’t ignore?
I tried to pretend he wasn’t there and read the book. It didn’t work. When he was around, he stole all my focus. Even if I couldn’t ignore him, I wasn’t letting him know that I couldn’t.
“You’re going to be here a year. You can’t give me the silent treatment for another fifty weeks because we had some words.”
That’s what he thought. I’d never been the passive-aggressive sort, but I’d lost my ability to just be straight-up aggressive and punch him in the face. So, passive was the lane I’d have to take. After all, if he could cause a scene and act like he had last night, my ignoring him was the least he deserved.
The way he was staring at me, I was clearly getting to him.
“Really? You’re going to lie there and ignore me like a child?” he said.
Problem was I didn’t have any practice at the passive form of aggression. It was tougher than people realized.
“Child? Really? You think that’s what I am for not talking to a person who acted the way you did?” Dammit. This passive stuff was going to need a lot of practice. Well, I did have almost a year left to perfect it.
“You disappeared and I had the deputy on my porch .”
“And I told you I was sorry, for that part.” Even hearing about it again chilled me.
His jaw shifted. “They’re leaving messages for you. You don’t want to take your time and make your calls? So be it.”
Dammit. They were calling. I did want to speak with Cassie at least, and Monroe might feel bad if I didn’t check in.
“Fine. I’m coming.” I shoved my feet in my boots and threw on my jacket, trudging up to the office in my pajamas.
He held the office door open for me and took his usual spot as I settled behind the desk, neither of us saying anything, as if we’d been doing this for years.
First I called my mother, bracing myself for what was to come. “Hey, Mom. How’s it going?”
She let out a long, dramatic groan. “I didn’t get an invitation to Brook’s opening gala. I didn’t really expect it after Lucy didn’t invite me to her luncheon for up-and-coming cellists.”
“Mom, I told you I’m very sorry for any spillover,” I said, like I’d said fifty times before.
“It’s all right. I’m not upset with you.”
And yet she mentioned every slight, more than once. She’d be telling me about Lucy and Brook snubbing her another ten times before that was put to bed. If she only knew the person truly responsible for her dip in popularity was the man she slept beside every night.
“So how was your week?” she asked.
“It wasn’t bad.” That was as flattering as I’d get with Kade listening in, even though I’d started to not quite hate living here. “There’s a pregnant horse that?—”
“Kade’s horse? Is Kade on the phone, too? Kade, are you there?”
“Hello, Mrs. Loode. I’m here. How are you?”
“Wonderful,” she said, lighting up as if he were the one she’d given birth to. “I read about your horses on the computer. So interesting what you’re doing there.”
She was talking as if she knew all about cutting horses, the woman who hadn’t wanted me to get a dog because a stray hair might land on her outfit. Had she been studying all week in the hopes of luring him into a conversation? Sure seemed like it.
She’d hit the right topic to get him talking, though. I’d never seen him as excited about something in my life, or not in a long time, as he launched into details about his horses.
He used to get this way talking about his plans for the ranch when we were kids. Seemed that same fire was still there if he was talking to someone other than me.
I pretended to look at my nails while they kept on talking. Although that might’ve been a godsend. What had happened to my well-manicured fingers? The least I could do was get rid of the last of the color clinging for dear life. I’d have to see if Missy had some nail-polish remover I could use.
The speaker clicked as Kade hung up the phone and I checked the clock. Eighteen minutes.
“That was on your time. Not mine,” I said.
He nodded, not even arguing.
Next, I called my brother, who had never been overly wordy. After a rudimentary check that I still had a pulse, he was done. I then called Cassie, who was in the middle of trying to calm her mother over losing the tulips because of some global shortage. Cassie’s mother was almost as bad about this wedding as Cassie herself.
I hung up knowing there was one last call that had to be made. I hadn’t spoken to Greg in two weeks. I hadn’t missed him. In truth, I didn’t even think of him that much. Didn’t that say it all? If there was one silver lining in this mess, it was really showing me which relationships truly mattered to me. It might’ve been time to really break it off, let him move on and not wait out a year, but it was hard to break up with an audience.
But was it fair to judge a relationship under this kind of duress? Everything had been so up-in-the-air crazy that I’d barely had time to think about anything beyond getting through the next moment.
I dialed.
“Hello?” the familiar voice answered. I’d warned him I wouldn’t have my own phone, so he’d probably answered at least five spam calls by now.
“Hi, it’s me.” I tried to sound upbeat and as much like my pre-conviction self as possible, while avoiding looking in Kade’s direction. He was surely judging this too.
“Hey,” Greg said.
That was it—one word and I knew something was wrong. All I could hear in his voice was dread. Had he been getting the spillover of my conviction too? He’d always said he wasn’t getting fallout, but I’d suspected he was lying to protect me. There was no way my mother had and he’d gotten off scot-free.
“Is everything okay? Did something happen with your business?” It wasn’t like I was available to call and stay informed anymore.
“No, everything is okay with that .”
With that . So what was the problem? I looked over at Kade, who was too busy pretending to watch something outside to give me a glimpse of his judgment in action.
“There’s something we need to talk about,” Greg said, sounding graver with each word. I could picture him now in his crisp shirt, looking out his apartment window as he shuffled from foot to foot.
He was never good at spitting things out, and what I was going to say next wouldn’t help him out. “Just so you know, you’re on speaker and we have company.”
“Company?”
“Kade, the guy that owns the ranch. I told you about him.” Hopefully he had enough sense to not launch into any details about what I’d added onto that description, the way Cassie had.
There was a pause before he audibly sighed. It was one of those long, drawn-out types that always meant something was wrong.
“You should take me off speaker,” he said.
I didn’t bother looking at Kade. He wouldn’t do me any favors. “Yeah, I can’t do that because of the terms of my deal with the court.”
“Oh.” Another sigh, this one louder than the last. “Look, I didn’t really want to have this conversation with other people listening, but it has to be had.”
I had a sinking feeling I knew what was coming next, and I didn’t want an audience. Greg was going to break up with me, and if it were any other time, any other way, I wasn’t sure I would’ve cared. I’d given him an out before I came here.
But now? I wasn’t capable of having another round of public humiliation just yet, but that wasn’t going to matter. Kade wasn’t looking at me, but I could see his profile and he was listening intently.
“What needs to be said that wasn’t said before?”
For the past month, he’d told me over and over again how he didn’t want to break up. But no, he had to do it now, with Kade listening to every detail.
Or maybe not?
Without a glance in my direction, Kade straightened and walked out of the office. He shut the door behind him. It didn’t look that thick that he couldn’t still hear, but it was more grace than I’d imagined he’d give me.
I tried to prepare myself for what Greg was about to say.
“Well? What is it?” If he was breaking up with me, I needed him to spit it out now.
“I’ve been thinking about it, and a year is a long time to be apart from someone.”
“I believe I said that to you two weeks ago, when you were assuring me that I was the love of your life. What was it you said? Oh, I remember. That you couldn’t live without me, couldn’t imagine breathing without me, and that you would wait an eternity for me to come back to you.”
If my doubts had been merely niggling before, now they were punching me square in the face. Greg had always been the guy that looked perfect on paper. So perfect that I’d ignored the occasional twitch from my gut that said no one was that good. I was paying for it in pure humiliation now. This was so bad that even Kade didn’t want to witness it.
“I do love you,” Greg said. “That’s the problem. I’m finding the whole situation too painful.”
“ You’re finding this situation too painful?” How had I dated this guy for so long? How could I have been this stupid?
“Please, don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I really want us to part as friends.”
Yes, of course he did.
“It’s fine, Greg. I wouldn’t want to cause you any undue pain .”
He sighed again . “I sense sarcasm.”
“Trust me when I tell you that I agree and think this is for the best.” It would’ve been even better if he’d agreed when I mentioned it repeatedly before getting here. “I’ll let you go. I’m sure you have a lot to do.” And if I had to keep talking to him, I was either going to scream or cry.
“I’m glad you see the situation the way I do.”
“Oh yes. Bye, Greg.” I hung up on him before he could offer any more brilliant comments or insights.
I sat still for a moment as the impact of getting dumped hit me. Had I truly loved Greg? I hadn’t been sure before if I’d been going through the motions or what, but it didn’t matter anymore. He’d joined the rest of the people who’d decided it was too hard to have me in their lives.
Kade walked back into the office as I was putting the phone on the cradle, confirming my suspicions on the thickness of the door. It would be a miracle if I made it through this year with a shred of pride left.
I glanced over briefly, having a hard time meeting his eye. I got up and headed toward the door.
“You’re done?” he asked, motioning to the clock. “You’ve got ten minutes left.”
“I don’t need them.” My privacy, my career, most of my friends were gone, and now my relationship. I’d been ready to end it, and yet it was just one more thing . Everything was over for the foreseeable future and I had to wait a year to try to rebuild. If I hadn’t saved so much of the money I’d made, I wouldn’t have been able to pay the mortgage and taxes on my apartment.
I was just about out the door when Kade was there beside it.
“You okay?” he asked, somehow managing to sound sincere.
“I’m fine,” I said.
I went to open the door, and he blocked it. “You’re clearly not fine.”
I paused for a second, wishing I could go back to that girl who didn’t know any better and could fall into his arms. Would it hurt to just pretend for a minute? Take some comfort wherever I could find it?
The way he was staring at me right now, with that intense look, the way he used to…
“Move,” I said, sounding weaker than I wanted.
His eyes shifted to my lips, as if he wanted to kiss me. He was standing so close that I expected him to hug me at any moment.
My gaze dropped to the floor, and I felt his arms wrap around me. I let him. I didn’t hug him back, but I rested my head on his chest, not pulling away.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” he said.
I nodded, wishing the same, even if I couldn’t find the words right now.
“I just need to know why you cost me that loan years ago. Was it a mistake?”
I froze, and then put my hands on his chest to push away.
“What are you talking about? I didn’t ruin your loan. I had nothing to do with that loan,” I said, regretting I’d softened for even a second. Was that the grudge he’d been holding against me? A loan from a decade ago?
“You repeated what I said to you to Jerry, who was giving me the loan. Why would you tell him I didn’t know how I was ever going to pay? It could’ve cost me this ranch. You knew what that meant.”
“I never repeated anything you said to me in confidence.”
“Stop lying. He knew what I’d said to you verbatim.”
There was only one place that I’d ever repeated anything Kade said to me, and that was in my diary. My asshole stepfather had read it.
How did I even explain that? Kade would probably think it was a lie anyway. He didn’t trust anything I said.
It wouldn’t convince him of anything. He’d gotten his chunk of soul for the day. Now I wanted to go curl up in a ball and lick my wounds.
“Let’s not pretend we’re friends when you’ve repeatedly made our situation clear. Now just get out of my way.”
He dropped his arms and stepped back.
I left, reminding myself again that he wasn’t a safe place, not now, and he probably never had been.