19 Gemma
T he next day at work, Evelyn sticks her head out of her office door as I walk by.
“Gemma?” she says. “A word, please.”
I sent her the materials for Brent and Aaron’s interview last night, so when I enter the room, I ask, “Was there an issue with the third interview?”
Evelyn blinks. “What? No, it was fantastic. You did a fabulous job getting the couple to open up. There’s something else related to the project that I wanted to talk to you about.”
I brace myself, wondering what it could be, but even then, I’m wholly unprepared when Evelyn says, “You and Celeste should come to the New Year’s Eve party.”
At first, I think I misheard her. My boss, telling me to come to an office party… with my ex? Did I somehow hit my head and fall into one of my worst nightmares?
“Several representatives from Citrine will be present, and it will be a nice chance for you two to network and sell them on the cover story, since we’ll be finalizing that decision in a few weeks.”
I freeze. For as long as I’ve been at Horizon , the office NYE party has always been James’s and my thing, since we went together for the last seven years. I’d been too busy dealing with my clusterfuck of a personal life to even think about this year’s, but now, I panic. New Year’s Eve is in less than two weeks. James is probably going to be there with Daphne. And Evelyn specifically wants me to go to the party with Celeste .
“Of course, I can’t force you to do anything,” Evelyn continues when I don’t respond. “But take some time to think about it. It’s a great opportunity!”
“I’m not sure if it’d be a good idea for us to come to the party,” I say at last. “But I’ll ask Celeste.”
I’m still thinking about the sheer ridiculous notion of inviting my college ex to the end-of-year party when I enter the studio on Saturday morning. I’m late, so I expect to see the Amatos waiting for me with Celeste. But only Celeste is there, typing away at a large Mac desktop in the corner of the studio. I didn’t even realize there was a computer in this space until now.
“This part’s usually sectioned off,” Celeste says when she sees my confused expression. As I watch, she pulls on the tall curtains at the edge of the room. Sure enough, when they’re spread out again, I see the studio space I’d grown accustomed to in the last couple of weeks.
“The Amatos called,” she goes on. “They’re running late because their babysitter canceled on them last minute. I told them they could bring the kids. Hope that’s okay.”
I balk, looking around at all the expensive equipment in the rented studio. “Are you sure?”
She nods. “Yup, I’m good with kids. They can play on the couch while we interview their parents.”
I notice only then that she’s moved the couch behind the cameras, replacing it with two chairs from the dining table.
As we wait for the Amatos to arrive, I remember a conversation we had back in college, when Celeste told me she’s the oldest cousin on both sides of her family.
“All my aunts and uncles used me as a babysitter,” she’d said with a laugh. “And I never minded, since I loved kids. Still do, actually.”
Thirty minutes later, Maria and Joey Amato arrive with their two daughters, Carly and Kaylee, in tow. Both Carly and Kaylee can’t be more than seven. Carly, with her blond curls and hazel eyes, resembles Joey, while Kaylee resembles Maria with her tan skin, dark brown hair, and almost black eyes. Within minutes, the girls are running around the studio, shrieking with joy when they see the huge windows and fancy equipment.
Maria shoots us an apologetic look. Joey glances back at the door, as if already reconsidering their decision to come to the studio.
“I got this,” Celeste says, setting her camera down on the kitchen table.
I watch as she kneels down and stretches her arms out toward the screaming children in a “come here” gesture.
“Hey, girls,” she says in a soft, gentle tone I’ve never heard her use before. “Why don’t you come here for a sec?”
Surely that won’t work… I don’t even finish my thought before Carly and Kaylee run to her and take her hands.
“How are you two doing?” Celeste says, gently swaying both their arms back and forth.
“Good!” declares Carly.
“I’m okay,” says Kaylee.
“Well, that’s good to hear,” Celeste says to Carly. With a smile, she then tells Kaylee, “And I hope your day gets better, sweetheart. We’re going to have some fun today, okay? My name is Celeste. And my friend, Gemma, and I are going to interview your mommy and daddy for a few minutes.”
Carly claps her hands in excitement. “An interview! How cool!”
“Right? Well, you’ll be able to watch the video with them after it’s done, on Valentine’s Day! Won’t that be neat? But before you can do that, we need your help. All right, girls?”
Kaylee shyly nods and smiles up at Celeste, absolutely smitten. And I don’t blame her. Celeste is always charismatic, but like this, she’s mesmerizing. At this moment, we’re all caught under her spell.
An alternative timeline flashes in my head, one where Celeste didn’t disappear and she and I stayed together for the last eight years. We’d probably have kids by now, either through adoption or other means. Back when we were in college, Celeste would always talk about how much she wanted kids of her own someday. And even though I myself have always been more ambivalent about them, I was still looking forward to getting to that point with Celeste one day, back when I thought we had a future together.
“I have to get your parents ready for the big interview,” I hear Celeste say to the kids. “But meanwhile, why don’t you two play some fun games on my tablet with Gemma over there?”
I freeze as everyone suddenly turns to me. The last time I played with kids was in college, when I volunteered at a local elementary school. Luckily, I got assigned the older grades, so none of the kids I supervised were as young as Kaylee and Carly. But I still take the tablet from Celeste and make a “come here” gesture in an attempt to emulate my ex.
“Video games!” Kaylee yells, no longer shy.
The girls jump up and down with joy.
Luckily, both Kaylee and Carly become quickly obsessed with Crossy Road , and they don’t even look up from the screen when Celeste says, “Okay, we’re all set and ready to go.”
I leave the kids on the couch and settle into my usual chair by Celeste’s cameras. I ask the Amatos my usual list of questions, starting off with how they met.
“We met in college,” Maria says.
“We were in the same co-ed dorm freshman year and couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” Joey adds.
Maria blushes and I give them a polite smile. “That’s amazing. And how long have you two been together?”
“Over a decade now,” Maria replies.
“Time goes by so fast, doesn’t it?” Joey shares a smile with his wife. “Who knew back then that we’d be actual adults now, all settled into our new house with our two kids? There were lots of times we thought we couldn’t do it, what with the economy and all. But thankfully we pulled through, in the end.”
“Yup. It all worked out. And all because we have each other,” Maria adds. “Which sounds cheesy, I know. But it’s true. Joey has been my rock through it all.”
“And she’s been my rock,” Joey says with a grin. “It’s funny, though, because we went from being complete kids who just had huge crushes on each other to… this.” He waves his hand at the two of them, and then at the girls on the couch. “If you asked me what love was back then, I’d have a completely different perception of what it is, compared to the one I have now.”
Maria laughs. “Right? In college, I thought love was about flowers and chocolates. Or cute dates or trips around the world. But what it actually is most days is, ‘Hey, I can play with the kids so you can go nap.’”
We all laugh.
“We do still like to spoil each other with fancy things once in a while,” Joey says. “But most days, a nap is the best present in the world.”
“What were some of the biggest challenges in your relationship?” I ask, moving on to the next question.
“All the surprises,” answers Joey. “And the random road bumps we hit along the way.”
“The surprises!” Maria exclaims. “Yes, oh my gosh, Joe, remember when we first found out I was pregnant with Carly? We thought our worlds were ending.”
Joey laughs. “Oh, wow, yeah, I think I blocked it out or something, because I’m only remembering it now.”
“I was applying for law school when I got pregnant with our first,” Maria explains. “And Joey had just started his job. We were already married by then, thankfully, but we thought we’d have more time by ourselves.”
Joey glances over at where the girls are playing on the couch.
“Protection doesn’t always work,” he whispers to one of Celeste’s video cameras.
Celeste, who’d been about to snap a picture, stops to raise her eyebrows at him.
“Sorry,” Joey adds before continuing in a normal volume, “we became parents earlier than we thought we would, but if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“Definitely not,” agrees Maria. “Although, sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like if I had gone to law school and become a big-shot lawyer like I wanted to.”
I frown. “Do you regret not going to law school?”
She laughs. “Oh, no. In my twenties, the idea of being a lawyer in a fast-paced work environment seemed like the dream, but in retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t go down that path. I work part-time in another field now, and sure it’s less pay, but it’s great since I get so much more flexibility and time to spend with the girls. Or with Joey or by myself,” she adds with a laugh. “I’m so content with my life now.”
“And we’re lucky to have her,” Joey says. “We all are.”
They share a sweet forehead kiss, which Celeste rapidly snaps a photo of. The moment is picture-perfect, and I have no doubt it will look even more precious on camera.
Before I can stop it, an ugly pang of jealousy hits my stomach. A long-term relationship that actually became a marriage. A home and a family to call my own. Sure, it’s all a bit traditional. But I wanted that life. It was my dream, one that I wanted so much that I was willing to change who I was. And that, I now realize, was the problem. I’m angry at James for changing his mind, but I’m also angry at myself for being so stupid. For thinking everything would be fine if I just went with the flow.
Some of my college friends already have kids like Carly and Kaylee. Meanwhile, I don’t even have a place to call my own right now, and in a cruel twist of fate, I’m working with my college ex of all people. I’m only going backward, pushed away from the shore by an insurmountable wave.
I feel a little lightheaded, but I press on.
“What are some of your future plans?” It takes all my effort to keep my voice steady, but I manage. Or at least, I think I do. But then Maria and Joey give me looks of concern.
“Are you feeling all right?” Maria asks.
“Yeah,” I reply. “I mean, I think so…”
I must not have been convincing, because Celeste walks over to the video cameras and pauses the recording. “Why don’t we all take a fifteen-minute break?” she says diplomatically. “So the girls can get a break from screen time and everyone who needs it can go to the restroom.”
As if on cue, Kaylee says, “Mommy, can I go to the bathroom?”
The couple laughs, and Celeste directs the Amatos to the restroom upstairs. I watch them, but I can’t get a sound out myself. The room is spinning, and I can barely breathe.
“Sorry,” I finally manage to say. But even then, I’m not sure if anyone can hear me. “I’m gonna get some fresh air.”
I rush out of the building as tears start falling from my eyes. The streets are crowded with people heading out for dinner and drinks.
The door slams shut behind me, and some passersby startle at the noise. I ignore them and sit on the ground with my back against the door.
Pulling my legs into my chest, I try to become as small and inconspicuous as possible as I listen to myself breathe. At first, my breaths come in heaves, quick but heavy, before gradually becoming slow and deep.
I’d been doing relatively well in the last couple of weeks, so I thought I was better now. I thought I was over what happened between James and me. But clearly, I’m not. And I’m so sick of not being okay.
The door opens, and I almost fall back. Before I can, firm but gentle hands grip my shoulders and hold me steady.
“Hey,” says Celeste.
When I don’t say anything in response, Celeste continues, “Do you want me to ask the Amatos if they can come back another time to finish the interview?”
I blink up at her. Her face is blurry because of the tears clouding my vision.
Celeste’s eyes widen with concern. “Gem, what’s wrong?”
Before either of us can think twice, she sits down on the ground and wraps her arms around me. In this one moment, I’m too broken up inside to care how weird it is that, of all people, my college ex is here, comforting me while I try to deal with the pain from my most recent breakup.
“It’s… all too much,” I quietly say. “Today. Seeing the Amatos. Remembering what I had less than two months ago. I had a future . A path. ” I know I’m rambling, saying stuff that Celeste doesn’t have enough context to understand. But the pain in my chest is too much, exploding out of me like bursts of lava. Celeste, to her credit, is silent, quietly listening as I talk. “I knew who I was and where I was headed. And then, suddenly, boom, nothing. Back to square one. Nothing but a nebulous nothing ahead, all because, after seven years of being together, my ex-fiancé randomly decided he didn’t love me anymore and got with someone else, a mere two weeks after we broke up.”
Celeste frowns. “Wait, hold on. He already moved on?”
I nod. Tears stream down my face again, and I wipe them away as I continue, “What the Amatos have… that’s the kind of life I thought was within my grasp. But he replaced me so easily. After seven years .”
Celeste lets out a frustrated groan as she leans back against the wall.
“He sounds awfully like my dad,” she says. “Except my dad decided he didn’t want to be married to my mom after more than twenty years.”
I stare wide-eyed at Celeste. She remains completely still as she continues, “Yup, that’s how they divorced. After my mom got sick, too. I’m telling you, it was a shit show back home. That’s part of the reason why I don’t do relationships anymore, and why I got so distant with you. What’s the point of love if someone can still abandon you after twenty years ?”
I’m taken aback. As a hopeless romantic, I profoundly and deeply disagree with Celeste’s sentiment. But also, it’s not like I have the track record to prove myself right.
“I’m so sorry” is all I can say in the end. “That must have been difficult for you and your mom.”
Celeste bites her lip and avoids my gaze, staring out into the busy street, instead. I don’t have to be an expert in body language to know that this conversation is making her uncomfortable.
“Anyway,” she says a few seconds later. “Enough about me. Is it okay if I give you some encouraging words? Would that help you right now? Or would it be too weird considering our history?”
I shrug. “Not at all. Since I have to give people advice as part of my job—where to eat, what to try out, how to deal with relationship problems, et cetera—I love receiving advice. It’s a nice change.”
Celeste gets back on her feet. “Okay, well, there’s this quote I always say to myself whenever shit happens, and I’m not even that religious. ‘Man makes plans, and God laughs.’ We have no idea what’s going to happen in life, and even when we think we have it all figured out, everything can come crashing down, anyway. The best we can do is roll with the punches and stop blaming ourselves whenever something goes wrong. Your ex leaving you like that is not your fault at all, especially if he’s already fucking someone else, just like it’s not my mom’s fault that my dad now has a girlfriend who’s younger than me. Both dudes have serious issues. You’re better off, like my mom’s better off without my dad.”
Celeste’s words aren’t exactly encouraging like she said they’d be, but they do help me feel a bit less alone. “Is your mom doing better now?” I ask. “Not just health-wise, but… everything else.”
She nods. “She’s been enjoying her single, empty nester life for a while now. Like I said, better off.”
“Okay, good.” I get back on my feet, too. “Well, thanks for the advice. And for coming down here to get me. Let’s go finish the interview. I’d rather complete it now, since we already had to reschedule them once. Are they still up there?”
“Yup. Joey and Maria have their hands full. I think you distracted the girls from the game enough that they want to do something else.”
“Great,” I say with a bone-weary laugh. Suddenly, I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything. “How are we going to keep them distracted now?”
“It’s no big deal.” Celeste says, holding the door open for me. “We can have them play another game. It’s okay, Gem. We’ll figure it out.”
“Why do you keep calling me that?” It’s something I’ve been wondering for a while, but didn’t have the chance to ask her until now.
Celeste blinks. “What do you mean?”
“Gem.”
She shrugs. “It’s a habit, I guess. I can’t even remember the last time I called you Gemma. Does it bother you? Because I can say Gemma, if you want.”
I take the couple minutes’ walk up the stairs to ponder on Celeste’s question. When we reach the studio, I say, “It did, at first. But if it’s just out of habit, I’m fine with it. Actually, I think it’d be weird if you randomly started calling me Gemma.”
Her lips spread into a small smile. “Okay, then. Gem it is.”