Chapter 17 Theo #2
‘This is nice.’ Her voice is muffled.
‘See? Imagine how good sex would be.’
‘Shut up.’ Her giggle makes her body shake slightly against me. I like it.
‘What are you thinking about, Belle, lying in my strong, manly arms?’
She sighs. ‘I’m thinking about how much Jonathan would love this place.’
Is she fucking for real? Jesus. I let go of her and roll onto my back. Holmes dumped her, got himself a human blow-up doll, and he’s still cockblocking me from afar.
‘You’re fucking killing me, Wilder. I thought we were having a moment there, and you have to go and bring up the J-word.’
‘Sorry.’ Her voice is quiet. So quiet, I turn to look at her. I’m turned on, and frustrated, and confused, but she’s desolate.
‘It’s fine. I mean, it’s a giant ego basher to be propositioning a woman and discover she’s thinking about Jonathan fucking Holmes, for Christ’s sake.
But I’ll take it, because I care about you.
But you’ve got to help me out here. Help me understand what it is about this bloke that makes him worth fighting for, after what he’s done to you.
Because’—I lean back heavily onto the lounger and rake my hand through my hair—‘I do. Not. Get it.’
She crosses her arms and stays silent.
‘Belle. I’m not going to take the piss. Just—help me understand. I want to know what’s going on inside that head.’
A pause. Then: ‘He’s my safe place.’
Right. ‘That’s not a very sexy answer. Safety is over-rated.’
She pushes herself up to sitting and twists to face me. Oh shit. Her expression is thunderous.
‘Oh my God. Says the guy whose parents are still together and madly in love, and fucking gazillionaires. Believe me, Romeo, when you’ve never felt safe in your whole life, safety is the most precious thing there is. And the sexiest.’
I stare up at her, brain whirring, heart thumping in my chest cavity. ‘You’ve never felt safe?’
‘Not till Jonathan came into my life, no.’
‘Do you—do you want to talk about it?’ I push myself up so I’m leaning on my elbow.
‘Not really.’ She draws her knees up to her chest and hugs them, laying her cheek on them so she’s facing me.
‘But I’m willing to give you the quick version.
Basically, my parents fought a lot. Over money, mainly.
Then my dad left. He walked out when I was thirteen—he said my mum was “too much”.
Mum didn’t take it well. She had bouts of depression the whole way through my teenage years, and a lot of the time, she couldn’t get out of bed.
‘So I got left to carry the can outside of school. We had some money coming in from my dad, not much, but my grandparents—Mum’s parents—helped out a bit, too.
But I had to do a lot of the cooking, food shopping, housework.
You get the picture. I mean, it wasn’t a total disaster.
She loved me—loves me—but it was scary, at times.
It’s scary when you can’t help someone. You feel so fucking useless.
And angry, because… well, even though I knew it wasn’t her fault, it was still frustrating. You know?’
The knuckles gripping her knees are white. I put my hand on top of one of hers.
‘Yeah. Well no, I don’t know at all, but I can only imagine. I’m so sorry, Belle.’
‘Thanks.’ Her huge eyes are fixed on mine, and I couldn’t look away, even if I tried.
‘That’s why I loved school. I was so happy there.
I could work hard, and it got me results, and it made my teachers happy.
I had some leverage. Some control. Anyway, I got out.
Eventually. I got a full bursary for Cambridge—it was the only way I would have been able to go—and when I got there, it was like a parallel universe. ’
I can only imagine. My mind reels at how Nora must have perceived the entitlement she saw there, coming from what she’d had to put up with.
Rich kids like me, with not a care in the world, pissing our golden opportunity up the walls, out on the lash, night after night. Flaunting our money. Our privilege.
She takes a shuddery breath. Her hand shifts under mine.
‘And then I met Jonathan.’
Jonathan. Captain Sensible. Mr Safe Haven. Fuck, I’m stupid.
‘And he made you feel safe.’
‘Yeah.’ Her face turns dreamy. ‘I don’t think I realised how exhausted I’d been, carrying everything on my own for so long.
But he took care of me. It wasn’t that he did everything for me; not at all.
He just made me feel so completely adored and supported that it gave me the strength to feel I could do it all.
And it was… amazing. Like being in this cocoon.
I felt invincible, being part of a couple with him. ’
‘I can see that,’ I tell her. ‘And you deserve to feel like that. You do, Belle. I can see how appealing that must have been. I’m glad he was able to give you that.’ I gaze at her, and will her with my eyes to feel my sincerity. Because I mean it.
Fuck, I mean it.
‘Thanks.’
She leans her head onto my shoulder, and I sit there, enjoying the weight of it. Now that I’ve got her to open up, to trust me a little, I want to keep her talking.
‘So,’ I ask as gently as I can, ‘you guys started having problems, and then he met Lucy?’
‘Not really. Well, the way he tells it, yes. But I was unaware. I always wanted to make sure I looked after him too, you know? Like, I didn’t want to just take and take from him.
From where I was standing, it was a pretty equal, loving relationship where we looked out for each other.
But he said my brand of caring took the form of nagging.
Of trying to chivvy him along all the time.
I had no idea he felt like that, or that I was guilty of that, but maybe he was right. ’
‘And he never brought any of this up until he met Lucy?’
‘Nope.’ Her voice is flat. ‘But apparently, just like my mother, I was “too much”.’
I flare of anger warms me. I lift her head off my shoulder and hold her chin so she can see me.
‘I smell bullshit, Belle. If he had an issue with your relationship, he should have told you. We men have a long history of failing to own our actions. My bet is your relationship had gone off the boil. He saw someone new and shiny, and instead of taking responsibility, he threw the blame back in your face instead. That’s not cool. At all.’
‘Maybe he didn’t know he was unhappy until he met someone and she was nicer to him.’ Her eyes dart around my face, searching for answers I can’t give.
‘Bollocks. You’re giving him more credit than he’s worth. Honestly, Belle. You’re better off without him. I’m sure there are tonnes of men who’d kill to be your port in a storm. And have you be their port. You’re amazing.’
‘But I have it all planned out.’
I don’t miss her use of present tense, but I hold my tongue.
‘Our future. Me and Jonathan. Three kids. A Georgian rectory, preferably in Oxfordshire or Gloucestershire, with an AGA, obviously. I’d like a fixer-upper. Something we can decorate just how we like. A couple of labradors. That’s always been the plan.’
She’s deadly serious. My throat tightens. ‘Your plan as a couple, or your plan, Belle?’
‘Ours. We’d joke about it. Look at the house porn in the back pages of Country Life together. I gave him nine years of my life, Theo. And he’s throwing it all away for someone with more impressive boobs who doesn’t nag him.’
‘Hey.’ I cast a pointed glance at her chest. ‘Your boobs look fucking perfect from where I’m sitting. But I’m not sure you need labradors and an AGA to be safe. That’s not real safety. They’re just nice-to-haves.’
‘It doesn’t matter if they’re real or not. If the feeling of safety they create is real, then that’s all that matters, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah.’ I pull her into me and tug us both back down to the lounger, where I hold her tightly. ‘I suppose that’s all that matters.’