Chapter 33
Nora
Theo won’t let me do anything afterwards.
Nothing except hold him.
Which is fine by me, because I’m in a sort of blissful limbo. Drunk on the smell and taste of him, on the things he said to me and the way he filled me up and wrung me out so effortlessly just now.
On him.
It’s messed up how potent our bodies’ chemicals can be. How much they can trick you. How a cocktail of endorphins delivered via orgasm can make you feel an intimacy and a connection with another person that you’d swear was transcendent. Spiritual. When really, it’s just physical. Biological.
If I were to overthink what I’ve been doing with Theo, these past few days (and obviously I never overthink anything), I could be forgiven for seeing this man as someone who’s sending me tumbling deeper and deeper down an emotional rabbit hole, rather than someone who happens to be devastatingly attractive and shockingly skilled and downright psychic in bed (and on rugs. And on barstools. And in showers).
Someone who’s found me at the right time. Who’s giving me an opportunity to broaden my horizons and experiment a little.
A technicolour moment in my life that’s as fleeting as it will be memorable.
And allowing myself to enjoy this moment without getting consumed with guilt is something I’m explicitly struggling with.
It goes against all my instincts to be having hot, filthy sex with one man while staying focused on ensnaring another.
It seems so self-indulgent. Selfish. And a month ago, I would have said slutty.
But I reckon Glennon Doyle would approve.
She’s always saying women need to own the concept of wanting more. Demanding more.
After we’ve roused ourselves from our post-sex haze and cleaned up, he leads me through to his room, puts his t-shirt back on me and tucks me up in his bed. If the t-shirt didn’t look so much better on him, I’d definitely steal it when I move out.
Because we’re both starving, he orders some burgers on Deliveroo, one arm clamped around me while he places the order.
Like he can’t let go of me for a second.
He chucks his phone down and leans into me, focuses on kissing me.
Sweetly. Intently. Decadently. And in response, my exhausting interior monologue dies out and my focus narrows to the particular pleasure of Theo’s mouth on mine.
When the doorbell rings, he drags himself off me and out of the bedroom before returning with a tray bearing burgers, glasses, and the bottle of champagne.
Heaven is Theo Montague, practically naked, with bed-head hair and fast food.
I grab my burger and sink my teeth into it with a moan like I haven’t had a meal in a week. Theo smirks at me.
‘Someone worked up an appetite.’
‘You can say that again,’ I mumble through a fantastic mouthful of beef and bun and ketchup and pickles. ‘That back there was a workout. And I’ve got the scars to show it.’
I hold up an arm and pout. Carpet burn. Until I met this distracting, persuasive, intoxicating god, I was not the kind of girl to get carpet burns on her elbows while being taken from behind.
I was not the kind of girl to do a lot of things before Theo.
‘Poor baby.’ He grabs my wrist and holds my arm up high enough for him to brush his lips over my sore elbow, before leaning in, his eyes dark. ‘I hope it was worth it.’
My breath hitches. This man, with his black eyes and his dangerous sexuality and his addictive beard. This man who’s broken down my walls, persuaded me to trust him through shameless cajoling and bribery and delivered me the best, most earth-shattering orgasms of my life.
This man who has proven himself to be a generous friend, a relentless Nora Wilder champion and a lover so attuned to my body that it’s frankly terrifying.
He terrifies me. And the extent to which he consumes me terrifies me even more.
I swallow my mouthful, my eyes darting between his eyes and his mouth. Because they’re both so gorgeous, I can’t pick.
I settle on his eyes. ‘It was worth everything.’ I hope he can see how much I mean that. Hear it in my voice.
‘Thank you for trusting me.’ He leans his temple against the headboard and studies me. ‘I get the impression you weren’t a huge fan of being fucked from behind before now.’
‘Let’s say you’ve converted me.’ I lick some relish off my thumb. ‘And I know your game, Romeo. It’s highly effective.’
His beautiful black eyes glitter with amusement. ‘And what’s that, exactly?’
‘You know. You get me so turned on, so riled up, I’ll agree to anything. Honestly. I would have done anything for you out there.’
‘Anything?’ He raises an eyebrow.
‘No, but… it’s effective, as I said. When I was in that state, it all seemed a lot less scary. I was so desperate to come, my inhibitions went out the window.’
‘Exactly.’ He’s grinning like I’m an opposing lawyer who’s just made his case for him.
‘That’s what you needed. You get too stuck in your own head sometimes, Belle.
I’ve got you sussed. You overthink stuff.
I’m not trying to scam you. I just want you to know that when I try to test your limits, it’s not to exploit you.
It’s because I’m pretty sure it’s going to be hot as fuck for both of us. ’
‘It could have been worse, I suppose.’ I take another huge bite of my burger.
‘Er, excuse me. You did not look like someone having a bad time in there when you were coming all over my cock, rubbing your gorgeous little pussy against me, begging for more.’
Oh my God. He is so mortifying. My mouth is full, so I make do with opening my eyes wide in disapproval.
He shakes his head. ‘Don’t give me that look, Little Miss My-Surname’s-Far-More-Apt-Than-I-Let-On. Was that or was it not the most intense orgasm you’ve ever had?’
I swallow. Allow him this victory, because he deserves it. ‘It was the best orgasm I’ve ever, ever had.’
His eyes darken even more as he strokes up my jaw, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘Better than any Holmes gave you?’
‘Theo!’ I’m genuinely horrified. ‘Why the fuck would you bring him up right now, after what we’ve just done? That’s so… ick. It’s so inappropriate.’
‘God forbid we should be inappropriate,’ he drawls, but his mouth closes in a grim line.
I glare at him.
It’s not really that I’m offended. It’s more that I can’t deal with this intrusion from the real world.
This reminder that I have an agenda. An end-game.
And my long-term plans don’t include Theo Montague’s confusing and addictive web of sex and excitement.
A web I’m way too tangled up in currently.
I also can’t deal with the fact that said long-term plans will require me to turn my back on the best sex I’ve ever, ever had.
I’ll have to completely retrain my vagina.
Lower its expectations.
And apologise to it.
But that doesn’t mean I want to address any of those things right now, when Theo and his outrageous talents have completely consumed me.
Subsumed me. This guy has pulled me under, and I don’t even want to fight it. Even though I’m completely out of my depth.
He relents. Looks at his burger and puts it down with a sigh.
‘Sorry, baby. I know it’s not cool to bring him up. But look. This isn’t normal, what we have. I love sex, don’t get me wrong. But that’—he jerks his thumb towards the bedroom door—‘was fucking unbelievable. The way we’ve connected is, like, insane, Belle.’
‘In bed.’
‘Huh?’
‘The way we’ve connected in bed is insane.
I agree. We seem to have amazing sexual chemistry.
’ I pop a fry in my mouth, trying for nonchalance.
I refuse to be disadvantaged in this conversation just because Romeo here has slept with tens, or hundreds, more people than I have.
I’m not na?ve. I’ve said it already; I understand that what we have is a trick of chemistry. Biology.
And that’s it.
Theo’s made it clear he enjoys women but doesn’t fall for them. Elle’s warned me against getting attached. Hell, even Jonathan’s warned me he’s no good for me. So I’ve worked hard to make sure I ring-fence this thing we have, so it doesn’t touch my heart.
‘Well, yeah, but… I’d argue it’s more than that. So forgive me for struggling with the fact that you’re still planning on walking away from this and shacking up with your ex in some Georgian fucking rectory.’
I rub my forehead. I’m so confused by this man and what he wants from me. And I’m not going to let him move the goal posts now.
We had a deal.
‘Theo. This whole time, you’ve just been trying to get me into bed.
Telling me our fake relationship could use some real benefits.
Telling me love is far less important than chemistry when it comes to good sex.
So yes. You win. You’ve converted me—I’m totally sold.
Our chemistry is ridiculous. I’m addicted to you.
It’s like you—it’s like you own my body.
But love is still more important to me. Stability.
A future with someone like Jonathan, who—’
‘Someone like Jonathan?’ His voice is steely. ‘Or Jonathan?’
Shit. ‘With Jonathan. You know what I mean. He can give me what I want.’
Hurt flashes in his eyes. ‘So all I can give you is mind-blowing sex, and you’re not interested in that.’
‘Of course I am! But I want more. You know that.’ I finger the soft, fraying hem of his t-shirt.
‘Sorry, I’m confused. You’ve never offered me anything more.
Never suggested it. I’m really flattered by how much you seem to enjoy sleeping with me—it’s amazing, honestly.
I never thought I’d do it for you like that.
‘But while doling out orgasms like sweets is very noble, you’ve never suggested you’re interested in anything else.
I know you think I’m an uptight pain in the ass.
We want different things out of life. You have big plans; you want to crack the Big Apple.
I want to settle down. You’ve made it clear you think my dream future is lame as hell.
’ I throw my hands in the air in frustration.
‘Forgive me if I’m wrong, but that doesn’t add up to much beyond what we’ve got right now. ’
I lean forward. Scratch that gorgeous beard, trying not to think about how fucking good it felt chafing against my core earlier when I was on my hands and knees. He really is divine. He’s like some kind of dream—an erotic Mafia romance dream.
‘And what we’ve got right now is amazing,’ I whisper.
He twists his head so he can kiss my fingers. ‘Answer me one question, no messing around, and I’ll shut up.’
I tense. Nod.
‘Do you still love him?’
I look at this man in front of me. So picture-perfect. Underestimated. Funny. Generous. In bed and out. (But especially in.) Addictive. Shocking. Dangerous. Destabilising.
And in my mind’s eye, I see Jonathan. Steadfast. Patrician. Conservative. Handsome. Honest. A family man. The guy I know will make a great dad for our kids. My rock.
My future.
I meet Theo’s eyes.
‘Yeah. I do.’ My voice is a whisper.
‘Okay then.’ He blinks, nods to himself. ‘Right. Got it. Well, it looks like I might pull off the Manhattan gig, thanks to you, so I still have to uphold my end of the bargain.’ He leans in and kisses me on the tip of my nose. ‘I’ll help you get him.’
I’m anxious. Panicked. Off-kilter. I feel as though I could burst into tears. It’s as if everything’s shifted, but I’m not sure why, because nothing about our plans has changed.
It’s just our relationship that’s changed.
‘Do you want me to move out? I could—I think Elle’s place is nearly sorted.’
‘No.’
He snags my wrist, encircles it with his long fingers.
‘I want you for as long as I can have you, Belle.’
I can’t even imagine what it’ll be like, walking away from him without a backwards glance. On second thoughts, I’m stealing that t-shirt.
I look up. He’s staring at me, his gorgeous bare chest heaving slightly. He gives me a grin that’s tight. Tremulous.
‘I still have so much dodgy fuckery I want to trick you into.’ His fingers slide down my wrist. ‘I want to tie these to my bed, for starters.’
I catch my breath, shocked, and his grin turns dirty. His eyes gleam darkly. That’s the Theo I know and love. Despite my life-changing orgasm, a thud of excitement hits me low and heavy in my belly, because putting myself in Theo’s hands is proving to be the journey of a lifetime.
‘Would you be disappointed if I didn’t put up as much of a fight as you expected?’ I pop another fry in my mouth and wiggle my eyebrows suggestively.
This I can handle.
Banter.
Heat.
Anticipation.
When it’s like this between Theo and me, I know where I stand.
I know the score.
I understand the dynamic. I’m the ingenue. He’s the educator.
And we’re both fucking loving our roles.
‘Eat up.’ His voice is low and rough. ‘Cos when you say things like that, it makes me need to fuck you again.’
I flush and reach for my burger.