Chapter Seven #3
“It did help me realize that being a people pleaser isn’t the selfless thing I thought it was,” Melanie says with a shrug.
“Like, the way everyone talks about it, I thought I was putting other people first and doing this good thing by thinking about their feelings. I knew it was hurting me, but it felt like at least I was helping others, you know? But when Dimos and I broke up, I realized that I hadn’t been putting him first at all.
I was just putting my need to be liked ahead of all my other needs, and all of his.
It was self-serving, and it hurt him more than I realized at the time. ”
The water keeps lapping at my shoulders. Even with the dark of the night, the water is clear enough that I can see my feet kicking under me to keep me afloat. But still, the dark makes me feel hidden. It gives the night a safe quality that makes it possible for me to speak.
“I totally get what you mean,” I tell her. “I’m never more self-centered than when I’m anxious about something.”
It’s a realization I came to when listening to Paige talk about relationships.
Not that I’d ever admit this to her. But I realized how many times I didn’t show up for Liam the way he needed me to, because I was too busy worrying that his sadness was actually about him being mad at me.
I’ve made him reassure me that he’s not mad so many times, it’s practically a routine.
Paige said that’s something we could work on together with her stupid exposure therapy idea.
It always sounds great in the moment, but then the worry settles into my head, and nothing can bring me any relief until I pick at the scab of my own panic, check what’s underneath, confirm no infection is rotting.
The waves have drifted us closer to the shore, and my toes brush against the sandy sea bottom.
We inch forward until we can stand, the water lapping at our collarbones.
I catch my breath, tilting my head back to stare up at the sky and the vastness of the stars until the water settles a cold under my skin.
It occurs to me that I’m swimming in brand-new waters, endlessly far away from my home. And yet I feel so comfortable here with Melanie beside me. The first of my conditions comes rushing back to me. She must make me feel at home while showing me new places.
I blink, shaking the water out of my eyes.
It’s not like these conditions were based on anything real.
I just wanted my cohort off my back. So what if I feel so at home with Melanie?
That doesn’t mean we’re soulmates. Besides, there were other conditions.
I breathe a sigh of relief, satisfied with this logic.
Still, I’m ready to be out of this water. I nod toward the shore, and Melanie follows me back to dry land. The soft sand coats our wet feet as we put our clothes back on.
“Is there any worse sensation than wet denim?” Melanie asks, wrinkling her nose as she buttons her shorts.
I laugh. “None. You’re unspeakably brave.”
We walk back to the hotel, exchanging stories about what our schools are like. She goes to an American school in Athens, and our experiences of high school aren’t as different as I might have expected.
“Well,” she says when we reach the side entrance of the hotel, pausing to meet my eyes.
I smile. “Thank you for this.”
She nods. “Thank you for joining.”
“Good night,” I say quietly, and we part ways when we reach the hallway.
I make my way quickly back to my room, my hair dripping salt water down the back of my dress. When I swing the door open, I’m met by Liam, who looks up at me in confusion.
“I thought you said you weren’t going out tonight?” he says, taking in my wet hair and sandy feet.
I shift my weight, looking down at my toes. “I…ran into Melanie, and she pitched…going out.”
I’m not sure why I feel the rush of guilt that courses through me. I didn’t intentionally hide our plans from him. They didn’t exist until after he’d already gone out with the rest of the cohort.
Maybe it’s just that I was hoping to keep my night out with Melanie to myself. Not a secret. Just…private. Something for me to hold on to, that I don’t need to share with anyone else.
Too late for that now.
“Nice,” Liam says, a note of confusion in his voice. “Did you go…swimming?”
“We went to the beach,” I say, reaching for a towel hanging on the half-open bathroom door to wrap my salty hair. “Went for a quick swim.”
Liam moves to his twin bed, flopping back onto it. “You and Melanie?”
This he says with a lighter, teasing tone that makes me want to shrink away.
“Yes,” I say curtly. “Me and Melanie.”
He lifts his head to meet my eye. “You okay?”
I nod. He means well. We can usually tell each other anything, and he’s always been able to ask me things I wouldn’t ever want to admit to anyone else. But today I want to hold this moment close to my heart, where I can figure out what it means for myself before I share it with anyone else.
“You?” I ask. I can’t shake the feeling that he’s mad at me for ditching plans with him only to hang out with Melanie instead.
“Of course,” he says. “We found the cutest patio and people-watched. And cat-watched. There are so many cats here.”
He pulls out his phone to show me the series of strays that walked by, hoping for a bit of the fish he’d ordered. I lean over to look, swallowing the fear bubbling up in my throat.
He tilts the phone slightly away from me, and my heart rate picks up.
I scan him from out of the corner of my eye, looking for other signs that he might be pissed.
His eyes stay fixed on his phone, as if he can’t bear to look at me.
Is he angry with me? I close my eyes, trying to take a deep breath, and the end of our friendship flashes under my eyelids.
Is he? My thoughts tighten their circle, spinning faster and faster, the urge to ask him building ceaselessly in my throat.
Don’t ask don’t ask don’t ask don’t—
“Are you mad at me?” I blurt out. The moment the words fall from my lips, the moment I move to check, my whole body calms.
He shakes his head, glancing at me. “Of course not. Why would I be?”
I reach for my pajamas and duck into the bathroom to get out of my wet things and into an oversized T-shirt stolen from Lizzie. A leftover from her era of being cool.
I brush out my hair, meeting my eyes in the mirror. Barely any time has passed since I asked, but the worry about Liam bubbles in my throat again. I swallow it down and force myself to brush my teeth. There’s enough to worry about as it is.
—
It’s still dark out when the hotel phone rings. Liam groans, his hand fumbling across the nightstand as he refuses to open his eyes.
I echo his whine. “It’s way too early for the wake-up call.”
“Mistake,” Liam howls as he picks up the phone, but he falls silent as he listens to the other end.
“Tell them we’re going back to bed,” I mumble, rolling back over.
Instead, he says, “See you soon.”
He hangs up, and I turn to glare at him blearily, my eyelids drifting shut in spite of my fury. “Bro. What part of need more sleep is not—”
“It was Melanie,” he says.
My eyes snap open. “What did she want?”
He wiggles his eyebrows as he switches the lamp on, and I roll my eyes.
“What?”
“She wants to take all of us on a sunrise hike,” he says, throwing the blankets off him and bouncing out of bed. His ability to go from asleep to awake in less than ten seconds is seriously disturbing.
“All of us?” I croak out, my voice heavy with my exhaustion. I wonder if Melanie would’ve preferred if our beach trip last night had been a group outing. The thought makes me want to go back to sleep and stay asleep for the rest of the trip.
“All of us,” Liam confirms. He’s somehow already dressed and is running his fingers through his hair. “You ready?”
I stare at him, my hair clouding in front of my eyes. “I am still in bed.”
“A state you should change. Quickly,” he says, nodding to the door. “She’s leaving in ten minutes.”
I hoist myself out of bed and into a pair of leggings. It’s too late to do anything about my hair except to force it into a ponytail that immediately gets messed up by the sweatshirt I add as we head out the door.
We meet Melanie in the hallway by the side entrance. She somehow looks amazing. Her skin is glowing as if she’s gotten a full night of sleep, and her eyes brighten when they see me.
Does that mean she was glad it was just the two of us last night, after all?
Or is she just being polite?
And why do I even care?
It’s a lot to process at five in the morning. I take a bite of the crumbly granola bar I found in my airport backpack, hoping it has enough calories to fix me. At least for the morning, if not forever.
“Y’all ready?” Melanie asks.
The whole cohort is assembled in various states of readiness. Bodhi is the only one who looks like he’s actually prepared for a hike. Lucy and I are at the other end of the spectrum as the groggiest people alive.
Melanie opens the door, and a burst of cool early-morning air greets us.
I take a deep breath as soon as we step outside.
The sea flavors the air even this far out.
I exchange glances with Melanie, and she smiles at me.
I wonder if she’s also thinking about the cool water last night, the way we looked at each other under the crescent moon.
“So ready,” Amalia says. She’s even brought her notebook.
We follow Melanie to the trailhead, which is tucked away behind an overgrown hedge on the side of the road near our hotel. It’s still dark, though the sky is starting to lighten, tinges of yellow announcing the coming sun.
As I try to keep up with the group, all my anxieties from last night come rushing back to me.
Plus a few extra. I don’t know if I should walk by Liam to make up for how I ditched him last night, or if Melanie was hoping I would hike with her.
Or if I should be staying far, far away from both of them, due to how furious I’m sure Liam is with me and how painfully awkward Melanie probably thinks I am.
Never mind how confusing it is to figure out how I feel in all this.
It’s all enough to make me out of breath. Throw in the gradual uphill slope of the hike, and I’m panting as I struggle to keep up with the group, anyway. No need to overthink after all.
The hike reminds me of our scramble down the small ledge last night.
We’re walking up a dirt path, rocks heaped in our way.
Tallgrasses line the path on either side, filling the air with the scent of dry greenery.
I gasp in lungfuls of it, trying to hide how out of breath I am from the rest of the group.
Mercifully, Melanie has pulled us for a short hike.
It’s barely been half an hour by the time we reach the top of the hill.
It opens onto a grassy clearing that overlooks the sea, a few large rocks resting in the warm dirt of the earth.
I clamber up one and sit cross-legged on top of it, watching the sea.
The first rays of sun are already transforming the sky, flaming red streaks dancing at the edges of the horizon.
We’re all quiet as we watch the sun blaze into the morning, the sea reflecting the golden start of the day.
“Damn,” Lucy says when the brilliant oranges have tamed into early-morning yellows. “That was incredible.”
“Thanks, Melanie,” Liam says, nodding.
She grins. “Thought it’d be worth it.”
“Definitely,” Bodhi agrees.
“Sadly, I have to pack,” Liam says, getting up from the rock he’d perched himself on. “My suitcase exploded overnight somehow.”
“A mystery,” George quips.
“You coming?” Liam asks me, pausing in front of my rock.
I glance at Melanie, who’s still staring out at the horizon. “I might stay a little longer. Catch my breath.”
Liam shrugs and nods, and if he sees through me, he doesn’t say anything. Everyone slowly filters out of the clearing and back down the hill to the hotel, until it’s just Melanie and me, sitting in the stillness of the morning, watching the dawn.