Chapter Eleven
The sunlight streaming into my room splashes harshly on every single one of my mistakes.
I squint in the morning light, but even without my looking directly at what it’s illuminating, my brain flashes loud sirens across all the memories of the past couple of days.
I can’t ignore what the hard reality of morning brings.
Ditching Liam again to do yet another bucket list item with Melanie instead of him.
Opening up to her, letting her in on all the scariest parts of me.
Kissing her on the beach.
Spending the ferry ride home alternating between making out and looking at the stars. My head on her shoulder. Her hand in mine. Entwined like we belong together.
As if I could ever belong with anyone. I’m just not meant for romance.
That’s for people like my parents, with their gooey date nights, or for Lizzie, with her dreamy wedding.
People who are willing to give up huge parts of themselves to let the idea of love take them over.
I haven’t even gotten up yet, and the weight of last night’s mistakes threaten to never let me get up again.
I strain against them with everything I have to make it to the shower. I have no idea how to get through the day.
—
Turns out, the secret to getting through it is to pretend I’m so immersed in my project that I simply cannot come up for air. Not when Melanie tries to find me at breakfast.
The worst part is, Liam does the same. I can’t tell if he’s actually busy with his work or if he’s angry at me, and I don’t dare ask. I’m afraid I already know the answer.
The second worst part is that I’m not making any real progress on my project at all.
My brain is too caught up in what’s been going on to focus on the page in front of me.
My fingers tremble when I try to write. The letters blur when I try to focus on my reading.
My pounding brain drowns out any relief the washing sounds of the waves might bring.
It’s a relief when our time in Paros comes to an end.
Our next stop is Corinth, which means a day of being on a ferry and a bus.
As soon as we get onto the ferry, I tuck myself into a corner of the boat and flop my still-empty notebook open across my lap.
Clicking my pen like I might have something to add at any moment, I stare at the blank page that’s become my constant companion.
We’re back to cutting through the clarity of the seawater, the ferry frothing waves in our wake.
There’s not a cloud above us. We’re surrounded by a perfect blue orb, the lightest shades of midday teal stretching forever in every direction.
But instead of rocking me into the peace that I’ve felt these past few days, the color makes me feel trapped.
Like I’m entombed in a steadfast bubble I’ll never be able to pop.
A loud burst of laughter tears my eyes away from the page. I glance up to see Liam and Lucy giggling over paper cups of coffee. Liam’s eyes wander across the deck and meet mine, but he quickly shifts his gaze back to Lucy to laugh at her next joke.
My heart might as well rip out of my chest and flop on the spiral of my notebook like a fish on the dry deck of a boat.
He just flicked his eyes away, I try to tell myself, but it’s so much more than that.
With not even a smile to throw my way, let alone an invitation to join them—could it be clearer that all my worst fears are true?
He’s mad at me. I’ve finally driven him away too. Just like I have with everyone else.
“Can I join you?” Melanie’s shadow falls across my lap.
I look at her. The sun lights up her hair from behind, making its frizzy ends blaze against the deep blue of the sky. She looks beautiful. Blinking, I force myself to look away, back down at my knees.
“I— Yes.” Choking that out feels like a feat of strength not even Hercules could tackle.
My vocal cords constrict on themselves under the pressure of Liam not looking my way again.
Everything feels like it’s spiraling completely out of my reach, and I can’t tell where to grab hold of it to try to fix things.
She settles, cross-legged, on the wood deck next to me, leaning against the whitewashed railing of the ferry.
It’s only when I lift my hand to brush my hair out of my face that I realize Melanie has wrapped her fingers in mine.
She brings her hand back into her lap, tugging at the ends of her shirt.
“Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean— I just. Um.”
“You okay?” Melanie asks.
I nod. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m fine.”
“I had such a good time last night,” Melanie says, her fingers drifting back to my hand. The warmth of her used to calm me, but now that I’ve let myself fall headfirst into undeniably romantic territory, it just sends prickles of caution up my skin.
“Me too,” I say, because it’s true. Last night was lovely. It’s this morning that sucks.
“I was thinking we could try to sneak off tonight,” Melanie says, looking down at our entwined hands. “There are a few places in Corinth I’d love to show you.”
I have no idea how to respond. The thought of another night alone with her is laced with both temptation and dread. I’m caught between the urges to run forward and away, and I end up frozen between her sentences.
“We don’t have that much time left before you head back,” Melanie says softly. “I want to make the most of it.”
She means well; I can tell. Her eyes are lit up with the hope behind her words. I can’t stand to crush it.
But at the same time, I flinch away from what she’s saying.
I have so little time left of this trip and everything I wanted to make of it—not romance but time with Liam, who’s now further away than ever.
Not falling in love but time with my project, which is still nothing more than a blank page.
She’s staked a claim on time that was never hers to have, and my every instinct screams for me to defend it.
“I just…Honestly, there’s just so much going on with the trip and the project and everything.
I really loved the other day, and I’ve loved…
” I trail off, not sure how to properly explain how I feel.
When I think about last night, the bubble in which the two of us spent our day, of course I loved every second.
It’s the time since then that’s been hell. “I just…I think I need a little space?”
I cringe at the sound of my own words coming out of my mouth, knowing how they’ll be received. I’ve disappointed her, and the clarity of that hits me as soon as the words fall from my lips. Melanie leans away from me, her wounded eyes scanning my face as if trying to read past my words.
“Not, like, space space,” I say quickly when I register the hurt in her eyes. “I just mean I feel like I can’t be all in right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in at all. Does that make sense?”
It sounds awful. But with Liam not even looking in my direction, with my project nonexistent, what else can I do?
Melanie scrunches her nose. “Yeah, it makes sense. Sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“You didn’t,” I say quickly, desperate to ease the hurt hunching her shoulders. “I just…want to be clear about where I’m at.”
Though I’m not sure clear is what I’m being at all. Translating the scramble from thought to speech is impossible to begin with. I have no idea how to do it well.
The resulting hurt is written all over Melanie’s face. My heartbeat flaps uselessly in my stomach, pumping acid instead of blood through my veins. Before I can stop myself, I reach out and take her hand back. She gives me a small smile in return.
“Sorry,” I say. “I don’t mean to make this a big thing. I just run anxious.”
“So we’re good?” she asks.
I nod. “Definitely.”
I’m not sure if it’s true, but it’s all I know to say in this moment.
Her hand is warm against mine, and my head won’t stop buzzing.
I don’t know how to make sense of both these truths at the same time.
But the buzzing has to be a sign, right?
If I were to meet someone who was right for me, I wouldn’t feel this anxious around them.
Right?
“Well, I can leave you to your work,” Melanie says. She pauses, her eyes lingering on mine, and I wonder if she’s hoping that I’ll stop her, ask her to stay. I let her down, as I’m becoming so good at doing, by letting her walk away.
When she’s rounded the corner and out of sight, regret pours over me. Last night was one of the most magical nights of my life. Why would I turn down a chance at another? Why can’t I let myself be open, like Liam’s always saying I should?
But thinking of Liam reminds me why I have to walk away from Melanie.
He’s the priority here. Our friendship matters more than anything. If I’m going to ask for space from Melanie, I might as well use it for good. Besides, I have to check to know if he’s mad at me or not.
Heart hammering, I force myself off the ground and toward the table Liam and Lucy have claimed.
“How’s the project going?” Liam asks when I reach their table. I meet his eye, trying to read what’s there. Is there something off in his tone?
“Oh, you know,” I say, keeping my voice light enough to float on the water. “Penning a masterpiece, as per usual.”
“I don’t doubt it,” Liam says. The upward quirk of his lips sends a shot of relief through my exhausted veins. His smile is familiar and warm, a sure sign that we’re okay.
But then it slides off his face as he turns back to Lucy. “Mine is feeling like trash right now.”
“I’m sure it’s amazing,” I say reflexively. His work is always amazing, yet he loves to be his own harshest critic. His only critic, some would say.
He’s still looking to Lucy, though, which sends a new wave of anxious fluttering through my stomach. Does he wish I would leave? Why would he rather turn to Lucy with this than me?
“Nat’s right,” Lucy says. “Your stuff is always amazing.”
Liam rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I feel like I’ve hit a wall. Will you…?”