10. Ben
TEN
BEN
The Spark of Attraction in Echoes of Grief
I was more nervous than I had been in ages. Despite being tempted to chicken out multiple times before the date, I’d walked up the porch steps, my heart beating so hard I was pretty sure even a non-shifter could hear it.
But then I’d seen her standing there in the yellowish light, and God, she looked like a painting people would line up for hours just to see for a few minutes.
Her hair was blonde tonight, and she had a natural sparkle to her.
Her dress was something I imagined a fairy would wear.
Was I a bit hung up on that? Perhaps. But it wasn’t my fault that Giselle always seemed one speck of magical dust away from being sucked into The Lord of the Rings books.
She was too good for me.
Who was I? Some failed alpha with no pack, and a parent she’d had to call because I hadn’t realized how bad my son’s nightmares were. I was a schmuck. What did a successful, articulate, and incredibly kind woman want to do with me?
It was a mystery.
“Are you okay?” Giselle asked softly as I held the car door open for her.
Some of my emotional turmoil must have shown on my face. None of that now. Even if Giselle decided to never see me again, I wanted this to be a great night for her. I would try my best even if I felt completely inept.
And also guilty for being on a date.
“Watch out for the curb here,” I said, hoping it was a convincing cover. “It dips a bit.”
“Thank you,” Giselle said, her smile oh so soft, and I couldn’t help but notice those perfectly pink lips of hers. And yeah, I wasn’t crazy—those were sparkling too. Makeup. Millia hadn’t really been one for it, so I wasn’t used to seeing it on someone I was taking out.
Shit, I shouldn’t have thought about my wife.
Thankfully, Giselle was in the car. I closed the door and walked around the back while I got my thoughts in order.
It was just a date. My wife had been gone for over eighteen months, so there was nothing wrong with me taking a woman who was kind to my son out to a nice restaurant.
Right?
Most of the time I told myself yes. My therapist always spoke about the healing process and goals for moving on, but in the moment?
In the moment, I wasn’t so sure. While my vows had been “until death do us part”, and my wife was indeed dead, it had been so sudden.
Without warning. We’d never had a conversation about what to do after our love, because there was never supposed to be an after.
Ah, shit. I practically wheezed when I realized that I’d reached the driver’s door. I needed to get in, or it would look really awkward.
Clearly, I’d made a mistake. I should get in the car, fake an emergency, and apologize before peeling out. Yeah, that was what I was going to do.
Heart pounding, I got into the car and was fully ready to bail, but then Giselle turned to me, already buckled in and looking all angelic in my passenger seat. She had that same soft smile on her face and a kindness in her eyes that made me want to… want to…
It made me want to believe there was something better. Something beyond the nightmares, night terrors, and the endless blankness that coated the world outside of my children. It almost made me feel like I used to.
Before the massacre.
That was an awful lot to put on one person, though, especially one I’d just met. I had heard in passing about projecting onto people, and while I didn’t think I was doing that when I looked at Giselle and saw such infinite kindness, I knew it was a possibility.
“Thank you again for agreeing to go to dinner with me,” she said, and I could scent at least a dozen different emotions coming from her.
I didn’t know her well enough to pick out the finer ones, but I could pick up on happiness, attraction, stress, and a little touch of fear. Not to mention her illness.
I hadn’t noticed it before because I’d been so overloaded by the smells within the school, what was going on with my son, and my mistaken impression that she was a fairy, so I’d only picked up on her perfume, lotion, laundry detergent, and shampoo.
But now that we were alone in the car, I could smell something… off.
It wasn’t overpowering—just a hint really—but there was a sourness under her scent, along with a bit of camphor. Normally not exactly a flattering mix, but it added more depth to her.
“I normally would never ask one of my students’ parents, but…”
She trailed off, and I swallowed hard, my plan to bail quickly turning to ash. How could I disappoint her when she looked so happy to be going out?
“But?” I croaked.
“But… I, uh, I had a sort of come-to-Jesus moment with what happened in my classroom and with something my youngest sibling said. This may be a bit TMI for before we even get to the restaurant, but I realized that I’ve buried myself so much in work that I’ve let too much fall to the side.
That’s why I ended up collapsing, really.
“So, thank you for saying yes. Even if we never speak again after this dinner, thank you for helping me take the first steps to having a more balanced life.”
Her voice trembled, and I knew I was staring, but I couldn’t quite stop myself. Any thoughts I had about abandoning ship had vanished the moment I heard her soft and vulnerable confession.
I couldn’t believe she’d been able to say that so matter-of-factly. I mean, I could tell it took her quite a bit of effort, but just the fact that she had that much self-awareness showed she was more emotionally mature than I was.
Shame burned hot in my belly. Had I really been so ready to ditch such a lovely person just because of my fear? When had I become such a coward?
“Thank you for choosing to take those first steps with me,” I managed to say after a really long silence. “I don’t understand what made you think I was worthy of it, but I am honored to have dinner with my son’s favorite teacher.”
She chuckled. “That will be a more impressive title when he’s got a few more teachers under his belt.”
“True, but I know my son, and unless you’ve got some literal superheroes or angels at your school, I think you’re gonna come out on top.”
“Oh goodness.” She whispered it under her breath, too quiet for any human to hear. But I wasn’t human. I didn’t acknowledge it, however, and just let her clear her throat and utter a very flustered thank you.
Adorable on top of beautiful and kind. Did she kick puppies in her spare time or was she just unfairly blessed by God?
Wait… debilitating illness that had also killed her own mother. Okay, yeah. Maybe those buffs were well earned.
“Let me know if you want me to turn the heat up. I run a little hot, but I’ve got heated seats,” I said as I buckled my seatbelt and shifted into drive.
Man, the way her face lit up should have been preserved by a photographer or artist. It practically illuminated my car, and I found myself smiling right back at her.
“Heated seats? Yes, please! My back will love you forever.”
“My pleasure,” I answered, trying to keep my voice steady as my stomach dropped at her choice of words.
I knew she was just being playful and grateful, but that awful, blood-soaked, night-terror-fueled voice in the back of my head whispered that I’d already had a love that was supposed to last forever.
And I’d lost it.
It had been ripped away by my best friend. My right-hand man. The shifter I thought I could trust more than anybody else except my wife.
She’d died scared and alone, her body on the rug that had hidden the hatch where my son and soon-to-be daughter were concealed.
“Are you okay?”
I blinked several times and realized I was still sitting there, foot on the brake, my breath ragged. Giselle was looking at me with concern, but I couldn’t see any judgment in those doe-like eyes of hers.
“I might be about to have a panic attack,” I admitted.
God, that shame in my belly turned into a full-on bonfire. I was pathetic. Truly pathetic. What kind of alpha couldn’t even control his emotions?
“That’s all right,” she said, her voice light as a feather as if I wasn’t being a complete and total loser. “Your foot is on the brake, so I’m going to put us into park, okay?”
I nodded, trying to focus on the here and the now, but those dark, clawed hands were tearing their way up my spine and sinking into my brain.
Itsallyourfault!Itsallyourfault!Itsallyourfault!
“There you are. We’re in park, so you can take your foot off the brake.”
I did, my entire body ramrod straight except for my head, which was turned toward Giselle.
Her hazel eyes and perfectly pink lips were all that kept those greedy, relentless hands from dragging me back down into the blood, back down into the endless guilt that I could never escape.
“Excellent. Now, can you reach down beside you and recline your chair? It might be a bit scary at first, but I think it’ll help. ”
Recline my chair? I could do that. That was simple, right?
That was what I told myself, yet it definitely took me several long seconds to figure out how to move my arm, then several more for my shaking hand to find the small lever on the side of my seat and pull it up.
She was right; it did jolt me at first. The pounding in my chest and spinning in my head spiked so hard I thought I might actually have an apoplexy right then and there, even though that wasn’t possible for shifters.
But then I controlled my descent and managed to get that ardent maelstrom down to a dull roar.
“Very good. You’re doing amazing, Ben.”
Fuck, her voice was like a song. Was that a cheesy thought?
In any other situation, I would probably say it was, but the melody of her words washed over me like a cool deluge.
It wasn’t enough to knock me to my senses, but it calmed the burning fervor that the guilt and shame were trying to immolate me with.