Chapter 24 Old Friends
OLD FRIENDS
LEAH
My heart sank as I faced loneliness even in how similar our lives became.
Lourdes found herself in a contentious transatlantic divorce battle while I fought my own demons and Rich.
She had her breakup shit and I had mine.
I was supposed to be planning a beautiful wedding with a man I’d given myself to fully.
I was supposed to be tracking my ovulation, so I had plenty of data to make our post-wedding baby making a success.
I was supposed to be the ingenue-turned-star reprising her role.
“How about drowning our sorrows in curry after this?” I asked.
Lourdes grimaced. “I would, but I still have to meet my attorney. Go out without me. Don’t wait around.”
“Another time?”
She squeezed my hand. “For sure.”
My heart sank as I faced loneliness. After rehearsal, I returned to my rented penthouse—a place that wouldn’t remind me of my ex—and curled up with some Chinese food.
I couldn’t order Indian food without thinking about Lou.
And thinking about Lou made me spiral to places I didn’t want to in moments like this.
Without anyone to talk to, I felt lost. Thinking back on what my father said, I got a text from an old friend to distract me.
MAC
I saw the news. I’m really sorry.
ME
It’s okay. And thanks.
So you’re in New York, too?
MAC
Yeah. For at least six months. Maybe more.
ME
So am I.
MAC
Who told you I was here?
ME
Papa found out from your mum.
MAC
And told you to contact me out of pity?
ME
Nah. If anything, I’m lonely waiting for Lou to meet with her on divorce lawyer, so you’re a godsend.
MAC
I’m sitting at a cocktail bar alone. Want to join me?
ME
Drop me a pin.
I worried about the judgement or the letdown.
I’d have to tell him it was over, but if anyone could handle it besides Lou, it was Mac.
We went back too far for judgement. As he came off a divorce, I was sure he’d be sympathetic to my plight.
However, I refused to pretend all was well with people I cared about. Lying wasn’t my strong suit.
I found Mac in a bar sipping whiskey and sidled in, dropping my purse on the table.
“Hi! So, I’m a sad sack. Don’t talk to me about my ex. I can’t handle it.”
“That’s fair. I just had a terrible date and am glad to see you,” he admitted, wringing his hands.
I had so many questions but held them all back.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you for keeping me entertained. C’mon, spill. What are you up to?”
“I took a sabbatical. I left London.”
A server approached and I ordered. “Hi. Can I just get a gimlet with gin—no vodka?”
“Uh… uh-huh,” the server turned.
“She looked like she saw a ghost!” Mac chuckled. “Does that get old?”
“I try not to think about it.” I gestured up and down at him. “So, this is your revenge bod, transatlantic glow up?”
“Revenge bod?” He laughed.
“Well, either it’s the sport coat or you’ve been spending more time at the gym, but damn… whatever you’re doing is working.”
He blushed.
“It’s okay. I mean it in the best way.”
“No, no, thank you. I’ve been spending more time running these days. And Frankie helped me with a wardrobe refresh.”
I slapped the table, figuring that one of his younger sisters was probably involved. “Knew it! Well, it works. And yet, despite this turnout, the date went pear-shaped?”
He shrugged. “It just didn’t work. She wasn’t a bad person… just not my person. This is why I cannot date.”
“Okay, but like… why?” I did care but asked because I selfishly needed to get back in the single mindset. I needed to get back on the horse eventually.”
He took a moment, as if doing an internal debrief on his exploits. “Because I don’t know. She was odd. But not like so odd I should have immediately said no.”
“Don’t settle. That’s our problem, Mac.”
“Nah. Settling would have been dating the woman who wanted to meet me at her apartment—”
“Oh, yeah!” I hooted as my drink arrived.
I took a long sip as he explained. “No. It wasn’t a hookup. And… anyhow, I’m not sure that’s right for me. No, it was… she wanted me to walk her dog before she’d even see me. It was a test, and it felt weird.”
“So, you didn’t go?”
“I went!” He snickered.
“Oh my God!” I laughed so hard I fought tears.
Mac chuckled, too. “Yeah, yeah, lap it up, darling. Uh, I went, and she immediately turned me away. Her dog barked at me, and she swore I was bad news.”
“Bad news? But dogs love you. Your parents have a house full of hard luck cases.”
“I know! I tried to explain that I grew up in a pack of dogs.”
“So, she made you walk her dog to prove you weren’t an axe murderer? I respect that on some level. What I don’t understand is how her dog barking at you was the deal-breaker. Dogs bark.”
“I literally do not know what to do at this point, Leah. I’m overwhelmed.”
“Well, she sounds like a disaster. I cannot even think about any of that.” I shook my head.
It again hit me that Rich used me. That was the worst part.
“What happened? Or can I ask?”
“Oh, he cheated on me with—”
“Let me guess… his aide?”
“Nah. His therapist.”
“Fuck her!”
“Right?”
“And him. With a rusty nail.”
“Exactly,” I said. “Fucking dick.”
We stared at one another for a moment. There was some sense of combined understanding.
I wasn’t sure how to label it. We had commiseration.
We got another drink and reflected on bad times.
I noted I should call Lou and tell her we needed to set up a divorced and rejected tribunal because Mac got it.
We all could enjoy a good vent. Then, my stomach sank.
Inviting her meant I’d have to hear about her conquests.
“I’m glad you’re here. I feel less alone already.”
“Alone in this city?” He gasped.
“It’s possible. But I feel better with you here. Thanks for hanging out.”
“I forgot how nice it was to shoot the shit with you,” Mac admitted. “Let’s do it again soon—not just say we will—and your friend… Lourdes? She’s all over the papers. She can come, too.”
“I joked we could start a lonely hearts club,” I giggled. “Yeah. That whole situation is messy. I am not sure it’s her scene.”
“Oh?”
I swirled my finger around the rim of my drink. “I dunno.”
“Tell me, Leah! I am not going to take the piss. You know me.”
“It’s… complicated with her. There is history.”
I saw wheels turning.
He furrowed his brow. “Oh, wait. I knew you all got up to things, but I thought the entire cast did. From what you said, it sounded wild? But does that mean—”
“I loved her,” I said. “And she’s my best friend, so that alone is complicated. But it wasn’t just a bit of fun. I was in love with her. It’s stupid, though. Because, now she doesn’t see me like that.”
“Have you… I don’t know… bloody well asked her?”
I shook my head.
“Leah, you should at least talk to her.”
“She’s not going to be my rebound,” I said. “It’s too tempting. I’d fall back into bed with her in a heartbeat, but that makes things messy with me.”
“How so?”
“I know you think I’m some sort of incredibly wild, hedonist, but there are two types of people for me—people I’d fuck a few times for fun and people I’d lay down my life for. They aren’t the same. Although, maybe you get it?”
He winced. “I’ve never had a one-night stand. That’s the issue.”
“Gotcha. Yeah, I figured as much, bud. Shit. I’m a mess.”
“You should talk to her?”
“Nah. She’s got a blind date scheduled already and seems in a better headspace because of it. One of our castmates set her up with this entertainment lawyer or something. I dunno. I am not interfering. It would upset the delicate balance of this.”
“How so?”
“The chemistry is never lacking. I wanted her for years and couldn’t have her.”
“Did you tell her?”
I shook my head. “I tried, but… she’d moved on mentally and I probably wasn’t mature enough to give her what she wanted. Now, if I come onto her, tell her my feelings, and she pushes me away. I’m in this delicate state. I don’t think I’m ready to risk it.”
“I was blinded by obligation and a mentality that investing time in a relationship meant something on its own, Leah. I had no passionate need for Mary. So, sadly, after being her carer and getting her through cancer, there wasn’t much left.
We had no kids and no ties. But if you feel that pull towards someone after a decade?
Well, chase it. Maybe everything will fall into place. Maybe it won’t.”
“And maybe it will destroy our friendship and an entire production—”
“Did it before?” Mac asked, knowingly.
“No.”
“I think you know the answer and you owe it to yourself,” Mac sighed. “You should tell her how you feel.”
“There’s so much more,” I said.
“Like?”
“A main reason we didn’t make it official back then.”
“Because she moved?”
I shook my head. “I was willing to make that work. That’s the life of an actor. It’s… she doesn’t want to be out. She thinks it will ruin her career. Back then, I found it a little forbidden and sexy but frustrating. I am too old for that shit. I cannot do it anymore.”
Mac cocked his head, emulating one of his parents’ many rescue dogs. “You do realize the world has changed a lot in ten years?”
“Indeed. Brian is out and very proud and with a man. I’ve never felt the need to hide myself. But Lourdes is more guarded in general about her personal life and her career is just restarting. I fear she will never get there.”
“She won’t if you never ask how she feels.”
I groaned. “You sound like my sister.”
“Did you tell Charlotte?”
“No,” I said. “She’s going through everything with the baby and life. But I know she’d tell me to tell Lou. She knows I’ve been in love with her for years. It’s the unspoken thing she didn’t tell me about while I was home nursing my breakup feelings.”
“If we’re all feeling it, then there is unfinished business wafting off you, Leah,” Mac said. “You need to tell her.”
I knew he was right. He never lied to me.
We’d been friends since I left the womb, but the stakes felt too high.
I couldn’t have her run again. I couldn’t lose Lourdes another time.
It was now or never, but I wasn’t ready to admit to the never.
If I lost her right now, I didn’t know how to go on.
She was my rock. And what if she’d never leave the closet? I couldn’t handle it.