Chapter 34 The Lesbian Ambush
THE LESBIAN AMBUSH
LOURDES
“It’s going to be fine,” Leah sensed my nerves.
I paced in my tiny kitchen, while staring at the door to my flat just waiting for the arrival of my parents. I looked over at her as she adjusted her curls in the hall mirror.
“How does that dress look better on you than me?” I grumbled.
“Because my ass is ace,” Leah said.
I wouldn’t dispute it. She wore blue better than I could anyhow. And in that minidress, she had legs up to her neck. I admired her backside until a knock shook me awake. Focus on the task at hand, Lou!
I answered. My parents were well-dressed and ready. I could tell my mother had her hair done recently. The slight wave to her hair looked elegant as ever. Dad swept me up in a big hug while Mum remained quiet.
I let them in, not thinking about the fact that Leah was just hanging out in the hall.
“Well, is that Leah?” Dad looked past me.
“It’s me!” Leah blushed.
“I thought it was just the three of us?” Mum sighed, annoyed.
“I invited her,” I said. “I made the reservation at Daria’s for four.”
She said no more, just giving Leah a nasty glance and turning. We followed. Leah put her hand on my back, as if dragging me sweetly into the hall.
“Do not let her get under your skin,” she whispered. “Live your life. Enjoy the time with your dad.”
“Leah, how have you been? It’s been a long time,” Dad said.
“I’m good, thanks,” Leah answered. “Hanging in there. Trying to enjoy the summer.”
“It’s a shame that politician dumped you,” Mum said.
Leah acted through the pain I know she felt. I could tell because the lines around her lips looked different when she faked a smile versus when it was genuine. Her father did the same when about to fib. It was always so funny to think about how similar her mannerisms were to his.
“The breakup was mutual.” Leah played her own publicist.
Mum didn’t buy it, but she also never would have believed the truth—that Leah dumped his ass.
“And the musical is going great,” Leah continued as we rode the lift. “We’re doing wonderfully. The reviews were stellar. It’s been amazing having Lou here on Broadway—finally!”
Crickets.
“We’re excited to see the performance tonight,” Dad said. “And Lou, happy birthday! I should have bloody well led with that, sweetheart.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
No comment from Mum. Just a nod. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.
Daria’s was a Latin fusion brunch place in the West Village.
Mum picked it because the patio looked cute, never mind that the time of the year didn’t lend itself to patio sitting.
We sat near a stylish original brick wall and perused the menu.
Before the waiter left, Leah ordered a cheese platter she saw on yelp.
The woman would do almost anything for cheese.
“So, Leah, are you seeing anyone?” Mum asked.
Leah and I locked eyes. It was now or never. Off came the plaster.
“Leah and I are dating,” I answered. “Again, I mean.”
Mum set her jaw, then turned to Dad. “This is a lesbian ambush!”
Leah broke out into nervous laughter. It was ridiculous.
“I’m sorry, but… what is a lesbian ambush?” Leah asked. “Do they arrive via Subarus? With a squadron of U-Hauls? Is there Teagan and Sara or the Indigo Girls playing? Do I get to do a rendition of ‘Take Me, Or Leave Me’? If so, I’m in, but only if I get to play Maureen!”
Leah could fob everything off as humor in a way I couldn’t. It de-escalated the situation in most cases, but Mum was keen to keep it up.
“You would choose Maureen,” I sighed, trying to ignore the way my Mum stared.
Exasperated, Mum said, “I don’t know what any of that means. Because I am not a lesbian!”
She quietly said lesbian as if it were a sin.
“Neither are we. But alright, babes.” She tossed hair over her shoulder defiantly—the same shoulder that recently possessed the outline of my teeth.
“You are correct because Lourdes has had… moments, but she always ends up with a man.”
“No. She doesn’t have moments. She loves who she loves and right now she loves this person sitting to her left.” I turned to Leah and said, “I really always have, if we’re being honest.”
Leah squeezed my knee under the table.
“It doesn’t make sense,” Mum said.
The server put the cheese plate down. No one else tucked in besides Leah, who jumped at the chance to devour some fancy French thing that looked ghastly.
“Did we decide on drinks?” He asked.
“I think we both need those pink drinks,” I ordered for Leah and myself.
Leah, mouth full, merely gave a thumbs up. It was as if her manners missed her around dairy products.
“Just a water for me,” Mum said.
“I will take the Happy Days Lager,” Dad said. “No, second thought, just bring me a hearty pour of some nice whiskey.”
“Bourbon?”
“Why the hell not?”
“Jim, you shouldn’t,” Mum said.
“Why? I think we could all use a drink,” I said. “And last I heard, we’re all Brits so drinking midday is basically a God-given right.”
“Well, I certainly can drink! I am trying so hard not to lose my cool.”
“Annabel, stop,” Dad said under his breath.
“But like… why do you care?” Leah asked. “Lourdes is forty years old, Annabel. It’s not like she’s fifteen. She doesn’t rely on you financially and doesn’t live under your roof.”
“Well, your father might not care about anything given his predilections and how Her Majesty manages to hold her head high and ignore all of that whenever he comes around is beyond me. She must be a stronger woman than I am. I just am not like that.”
Leah crossed her arms. Under the table, I felt her also recross her legs delicately at the ankle, setting up her defense.
Mum picked the wrong bitch to tangle with.
Leah had her father’s temper and her aunt’s ability to outargue people.
Leah wouldn’t let this go. In the moment, I realized she protected me endlessly.
Until now, I didn’t think about it. I always thought of Leah as a safe place to land, but this was my person.
She was the constant. I sat a little taller.
“Papa is her twin,” Leah said. “And she loves him dearly. You don’t have to understand how anyone loves their partner. You won’t. Love is unexplainable and specific to two people. That’s what makes it wonderful.”
Leah’s swoony smile sent me!
“Well, that may be, but I don’t like to think about what people do behind closed doors.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure that makes two of us,” Leah sighed. “I try not to sexualize random people I’m not interested in bringing home or am not with.”
She just kept poking Mum in a way I never could. She maintained her calm so beautifully while I would have lost it. Instead of panicking, she took a big gob of melty cheese and spread it on a cracker.
“I am sorry, but that knitting… I cannot think that is normal. It seems odd.”
“Like scarves? I don’t knit anymore, Mum. I only did that because they required us to in school.”
“Not that type of knitting!”
Leah fought through her last bite. “Do you mean scissoring?”
It was loud enough that the table on the other side of us turned.
“Maybe that is it,” Mum said.
I could have expired if not for Leah’s expression—part humor, part confusion.
Holding on for dear life, I awaited the inevitable plunge.
Leah was about to explain the wonders of sapphic sex to my mother—the same mother who couldn’t even say the word intercourse without turning beet red and had never used the term fucking as long as I’d been alive.
“Well, not everyone does that. It depends on geometry and believe it or not, there is no purity test in who shags who in the women-loving-women space. You don’t have to do certain things. I know The Straights are like that, but we’re not.”
The Straights. I fought the urge to burst into laughter, tears, or both.
As indignant as Mum was, Leah wasn’t having it.
She had so much of her aunt’s lack of giving a fuck within her.
But unlike her aunt, she had Patrick’s patience.
She’d spar and never quite go to the place of rage.
That was all Prince George. His fuse was so short.
“You talk about us like we are a monolith. We’re not homophobic. We’re just sure Lourdes is confused and find this is an odd topic for a nice lunch.”
“Well, I don’t. I think we’re both old enough to know what we want,” I sighed.
“Personally, I think you should let people tell you who they are and how they identify. What is the harm of it? It’s not impolite, if that is what you are implying,” Leah quipped pleasantly.
Our drinks arrived. I made eye contact with dad who mimed prayer hands outside of Mum’s line of vision. She was leaning too far forward, snarling at Leah. His expression broke up my fear and tension. I stifled a giggle as Leah ordered enough food for an army, something that annoyed Mum.
Leah continued, “You know, a topic I was always taught to avoid at a nice meal—by my aunt… you know… The Queen—is to talk about sex acts. It’s sort of a buzzkill. No one needs to hear about those exploits.”
“People will make that connection, Leah.” Mum protested. “The press would eat you both alive if you just… came out with this!”
I looked to Leah, taking a deep breath. “I’ve tried to please everyone for so long, Mum. That includes the press. I cannot live like that anymore.”
Leah squeezed my hand so tight. The beautiful smile on her face sent me.
“So, if it comes out—and it will—we are prepared. Both of us just want to be happy.”
“We’ve waited too long not to be,” Leah choked up.
“Maybe it isn’t just about you, Lourdes,” Mum said.
“My sexuality is about me.”
“When the paps show up on our door, what will it be then? What shall I say?”
“That you love your daughter for the brave woman she is and that she loves the person she’s with beyond words,” I answered.
Happy tears welled in Leah’s green eyes. I’d given her everything she needed to feel safe. My heart beat out of my chest from the brave attempt to take back my narrative, but choosing her felt unimaginably good. Then, the other shoe dropped.
Mum fell dead silent, and with no fanfare said, “Lourdes, your father is dying. And if you don’t pull your head out of your ass and give him grandchildren in the next couple of years, he will die miserable.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I gasped.
“Come again,” Leah said.
Dad sighed, “Jesus, Annie! We weren’t going to do it like that!”
“I am sorry, but… she made me.” Mum glared at Leah who sat stock still, looking genuinely sad.
I shook. This was not happening. I thought about my dad leaving me over my insistence to remain two feet out of a metaphorical closet, not because he was leaving this world altogether. I fought tears. I wouldn’t show how much this hurt. Mum would just yell at me.
“I have a form of cancer in my brain. They caught it early, but it’s not going away.
It’s metastatic. They can resect it and remove part of it, but it will return.
I have a few good years left. I wanted to tell you because I know you want to know.
Mum didn’t want to tell you yet but… I thought you deserved to know. ”
“A few years?” I murmured. “That’s all?”
“I’m still in very good shape, love,” Dad said.
I walked around the table to give him a tight hug. As soon as his arms wrapped around me, I started to cry—in public.
Leah sweetly passed me a napkin as I settled. “I’m sorry to hear that—for all of you. We lost my uncle that way.”
“I’m trying to stay positive and enjoy those last few years.”
“Well, it would be more enjoyable with grandchildren—”
“Mother, now is not the time!” I roared, dabbing my eyes.
“Well, it’s not my fault you got involved with this woman rather than—”
“You know, there are other ways to make babies, right?” Leah blasted. “Other ways like how I came into the world? Not every family consists of two straight-appearing people popping out a child. Gay couples have babies all the time now.”
“And will you be?” Mum said in what was now a full-on standoff.
It was the question on everyone’s mind. I opened my mouth to talk, but Leah got there first, nostrils flaring.
“It’s up to Lourdes. We have time to figure that out. I don’t think decisions like that—to bring a life into the world—should be made under duress, though.”
“So, you don’t mind?” Mum asked.
“Leah would have had four kids by now,” I joked. “But we aren’t sure how to make that work with our wild careers.”
“It’s new.” Leah shrugged. “And old. But maybe we’re in the right place at the right time? Either way, Jim, I vote that you come up with an amazing bucket list and we make it happen.”
Dad chuckled. “Oh, twist my arm, ladies.”