Chapter 37 Daydreaming
DAYDREAMING
LEAH
“How did you manage it?” Lourdes asked. “Mum must have been the worst. You deserve sainthood.”
We lay on my bed facing the ceiling, hands intertwined, unable to fall asleep.
Lou was so introspective all day. I let her have the moment.
I didn’t pry and knew my place. I was here to support her when she needed time to breathe.
If I forced it, she’d turtle further inward, and I’d never get her feelings.
After watching her mother silently seethe about my very existence all day, I knew where it came from.
I looked over. “It was easy. I put myself in your shoes, Lou. If it were Dad or Papa, I would want every story, every moment, everything I could get, okay?”
Her gaze met mine. “I don’t deserve you.”
I laughed. “Oh, baby, you do. Don’t do that. We’re going to hell, but we will go there together.”
She squeezed my hand tighter.
“He said he would have been gutted not to have me in his life,” Lou turned back to the ceiling as she fought tears. “He said I reminded him of the good in the world—the difference.”
“Oh, Lou,” my voice broke. “Fuck. That’s beautiful.”
I couldn’t fight my tears. To my surprise, I heard Lourdes sniffle. She never cried. In two days, she cried more than the past two years—even with the divorce. She rolled into my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her, holding her tight.
“It is, yeah,” Lou agreed. “He said I might be unconventional, but why would I want to be average? And he said just like you did… I could be a good mum.”
I smiled. “I told you.”
“I just never thought this would be my idea of family. Is that stupid? It feels heteronormative.”
“It is, but your entire world was straight-conforming. Growing up, did you even know any same-sex couples, Lou?”
“Absolutely not! Well, outside of theater. That’s why I loved performing. There were people like me.”
“Charlotte told me to think about how families come in all shapes and sizes. I feel adrift because I know I want kids. I know how badly I need to grow a family—somehow, someway—I was stuck in a similar place. Did I just wait around on a man? And what if he never arrived? Let’s be real, I cannot deal with another Rich situation, nor do I want to. This… this is what I want.”
I kissed Lourdes’s head. “You are everything to me. But things are complicated for us.”
“I’m willing to explore it, but I think you’ll shoot down everything,” Lourdes said. “I know how you feel about donors and adoption. I get it. I really do. Your experience isn’t mine, but… Leah… those are our options.”
“There’s one thing. It’s fucking wild, though.”
“What?”
I bit my lip, worried. Did I tell her about the bit that continued to clunk around my brain for ages?
Lou looked up, “God damn it, Leah, tell me!”
“What about a known donor? So, someone we know—”
“I’ve been around long enough to know what that means. That would be okay for you?”
“If my kid could know who made them—even just briefly and in photo form—I’m okay with that. If they could get a health history, that would be perfect. I know it has its own issues, but… it’s fine for me.”
I prayed she didn’t invalidate me.
“Well, if that is an option, I’m open to it as long as you are growing this potential baby—not it!”
“I want to have a baby, so yes. And no offense, darling, but… it will be easier this way.”
“Agreed. I’m not completely delusional yet.”
“And not now,” I insisted. “Someday. But I am not saying ‘let’s do this now’. We have contracts to finish out, Lou.”
Lourdes nodded. “That’s fair. We do. But someday. It’s stupid but I’d like to know my dad met my kid. I have no idea why it never hit me until now.”
“Because life changes in an instant.” I nuzzled her cheek. “And it’s okay to reassess.”
“Is it weird that I’m strangely calm about this? Even with my dad?”
“It does… surprise me. But… he’s okay for now? Right? He’s got a few years.”
“Yeah, but it’s not that,” Lourdes murmured, turning to meet my gaze.
“It’s because of you. If it were anyone else beside me, I'd be a mess. But with you, Leah? I know I can just be me. You won’t judge me for blubbering.
You won’t yell at me. Thank you for just loving me even when it’s hard.
I mean, we just officially got together and here you are trying to prop me up. ”
I kissed her forehead. “I’m always here. I promised you that in an alleyway once. I meant it.”
I lay back, looking up once more. Lourdes curled in my arms and wrapped her legs in mine.
Her chest rose and fell for some time before I realized she’d fallen asleep.
I chuckled to myself and turned off the light.
Wrapped in her, I sat with Lourdes’s revelation.
A week ago, I was afraid we’d never be two feet out in the open.
Now, her parents knew and were open to the idea of growing a family. Life was wild.