Chapter 46 The Winding Road
THE WINDING ROAD
LOURDES
“Is everything there?” Leah called from the kitchen.
“Yes, love,” I replied.
I remained befuddled and overwhelmed as I observed the line of supplies laid out in Leah’s guest bath.
In a few minutes, a man would walk through our front door and by the grace of spunk in a cup and a syringe, Leah would hopefully fall pregnant.
It sounded bizarre, but the couple Brian and Leo knew who did at-home insemination with all three of their pregnancies were very clear this was the easiest way.
Cup, syringe, cervix. Rinse and repeat until it worked.
“What?” Leah poked her head in and handed me a glass of champagne.
“Spunk,” I lifted the cup. “God. It’s awful.”
“Don’t pull a face. You were married to a man,” Leah reminded me. “It’s totally going to be okay. You don’t have to jerk him off.”
“What if he gets here and he just can’t cut the mustard?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I figured he would be able to just… get it done. I mean, if he needs some… encouragement…”
I glared.
“Relax, baby. I was joking to get a rise out of you. Given the number of times we did far worse things—”
“We got up to absolutely no good,” I said. “Several times. But sharing you… I don’t know why it sets me off.”
“I do,” Leah said. “Because you love me and you don’t want to. It’s okay. We’re in a different place. One where we’re going to put a syringe of—”
I cringed. “Leah, stop it!”
She made sophomoric jokes all day. She and Brian were insufferable at the matinee. Sometimes, I forgot Leah was raised by men until I saw her put on eyeliner and tried to help.
Leah paced. “I worry we’re like, going to be too far past the point of ovulation.”
“Leah, stop. You are going mad with numbers and charts. Can you just stick to astrology like any other queer woman?”
I famously hated astrology even if I was a total Virgo deep down. Leah took the temperature of her vagina every morning before leaving bed and check signs of fertility, keeping them in a neat note she shared with me on our mobiles. Of the things I found sexy, that wasn’t it.
“Do we want a baby or not? I’m ovulating. That’s why I’m so hungry.”
“Leah, darling, you are always hungry. This is not new.”
The woman could sock away food like no one else.
She had a fabulous metabolism. Some people were born lucky, some were born rich, and some were born talented.
Leah was born three-times-blessed. I would have hated her for it, if not for how she made me feel when she pressed herself against me and gave me the sweetest kiss.
As we were about to have an interlude, the door beeped.
“That would be him,” Leah said.
Before I knew it, Mac was in Leah’s flat holding a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, and a package of expensive cheese.
“I just… I’m a man on a mission,” Mac addressed Leah. “I want to get it done and just… do it right so… I—”
“Just go on,” I said. “I’ll show you.”
Mac followed me to the guest bathroom and seemed to know what he was doing. I watched him close and lock the door. Only time would tell. I returned to Leah who was putting the flowers into a vase.
“He brought presents to our insemination?” I asked.
“If you knew his father, this would all make more sense,” Leah said.
“Is that a… duke thing?”
“What? Why?”
“Well, his father is a duke.”
“Oh. No, that’s a Winston Ferguson thing. He’s a total golden retriever. He would absolutely do this. Besides, this is amazing cheese. Have you had this?”
“Leah, for fuck’s sake, are you really thinking about cheese right now?”
It was a stupid question. Leah was always thinking about cheese.
“You realize I will be thinking about cheese as I am pushing this baby out of my vagina? You realize that part of this is on you to bring me cheese as soon as the baby arrives, right? Preferably, an excellent Stilton for my trouble.”
I cupped her face. “I will get you all the cheese in the world, but let’s not count our chickens. Deb and Laura said we only have a ten to fifteen percent chance of conceiving on any given cycle, Leah.”
“I feel good about it,” Leah turned to the flowers.
“How can you be so positive?” I asked.
“Because I believe in manifestation.”
I rolled my eyes. “And you’re the one who hates LA. Make it make sense, darling.”
“What? I just believe in positive thinking.”
“My sweet summer child, that is now how probabilities work.”
“Did someone say probability?”
I saw Mac standing awkwardly by the fridge.
“That quick?” Leah asked. “Wait… where is it?”
“It’s on the counter. I did like Lou said. And… yep. I told you—man on a mission. Do not ask. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Shit! We gotta move! I am cleared, right?” Leah asked as if in a military drill.
“And that is the pilot coming out,” I sighed. “Leah, there is no cleared. We just... do the thing.”
“Do you want me to leave?” Mac asked. “Because I’m totally prepared to just fuck off.”
“No. You brought a bouquet. Stay. Lou, get him a beer,” Leah called.
“Don’t you need help, darling?” I answered.
“Nope. It’s already in the syringe. Just into the cup-thingy and we’re good.”
“She is a woman on a mission,” Mac laughed nervously, scratching his head. “I love her, though. As a friend, of course, but… I really want to help you all.”
“I worry her hopes are too high,” I said. “She’s got this great idea that she’s going to be pregnant in one cycle. She’s thirty-five, this isn’t in a doctor’s office, and she’s just her jubilant self. I hope it happens, but I just want to make it clear, the women we talked to said the chance was—”
“Small. I know. And I could get into the multiplicative effect of this or that or talk about a bloody s-curve, but I won’t bore you.”
I handed him a beer.
“She is amazing,” Mac said. “Ever since childhood, she was so fucking brash and brave. I constantly tried to keep up. She got me into so much trouble, but she also defended me from bullies. We were a pair. I hope if you all have kids, they have her sense of determination and my sense of self-preservation.”
“They will be yours, too, I suppose.”
“No, Lou. You two are the parents. You drive the bus. They cannot be mine—not openly. And… I am happy to watch from the sidelines.”
“She’s really happy.” I sighed wistfully. “It’s a nice hope.”
Mac and I drank in silence while Leah attempted to play God on the bathroom floor.
“It’s weird. She’s doing that. We asked you over here. Bless you, darling, but you brought gifts.”
He chuckled. “I didn’t know what the… traditional gift for an informal insemination was.”
I giggled, “Does this mean you will bring more the next time if it doesn’t take?”
“I didn’t know what to do. It seemed awkward to show up empty-handed. It’s such a personal thing turned rather sterile. I know some people wax so nostalgic over how their babies were conceived but… it never worked like that for me.”
“Because of IVF?” I asked.
He nodded. “Long story.”
“Babe!” Leah shouted. “Set a timer for ten minutes! I’m on my back!”
I snickered, “Yes, of course you are, baby, where you belong.”
“Fuck off!” Leah called.
I set a timer. “The timer is set, Leah.”
“Great!”
Mac was trying to suppress his laugh, but struggled.
“If you want kids so badly, why not just have them? No offense, but you’re rich, your family is famous, The Queen is a family friend—”
“My godmother, actually.”
“Well, even better! You can find someone!”
“I don’t want to fall for someone out of desperation for kids and a happy family.
I fit a square peg in a round hole before, and it was miserable.
Now, I just want to be happy. Right now, I am.
I prefer to help when I can. This is honestly just me sharing joy with a person who has been there for me through a lot.
And I know you both have, too. It’s nothing for me to take a minute and help. ”
“Well, thank you. Because… you’ve laid a lot of my fears to rest. It seemed like a sign from the universe. I was so sure this wasn’t it for me, but… my dad has cancer. Somehow, everything seems a lot clearer. I don’t want to regret things. I don’t want the what-ifs.”
Mac nodded. “That makes sense. I’m sorry about your dad.”
“He would lose his mind if Leah conceived,” I admitted. “He wants a grandkid like mad. Mum does, too, but she doesn’t believe in any of this.”
“Well, last I heard, you’re forty and no one can tell you how to live. No one can measure who you are, Lou. I must remind myself of this whenever the post-divorce-failure narrative hits me. I am finding my way. And the road? It winds. We will all get there when we do.”
“That’s a beautiful way to think about it,” I agreed.
“Things just… happen. If I hadn’t lost out on playing Victoria, I wouldn’t have met Leah.
If Leah wouldn’t have been booked to do Oklahoma, I wouldn’t have gotten Phantom.
And if I hadn’t left Gabe, I wouldn’t be here right now.
I wouldn’t have a career again. And if you hadn’t taken a sabbatical here, we never could have called you. ”
“The world is wild.” His glance filtered to the city.
I stared at the beer in my hand and felt the sting of tears. I fought them so hard. You are not going to cry, Lourdes!
After the timer announced the end and Mac called to Leah that it was time, I couldn’t stop shaking and wanted to let it all out. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to say it, but the tears flowed.
“Babe, are you okay?” Leah padded into the kitchen in sweatpants.
I looked up and wiped my eyes. “I’m fine.”
“You look upset,” Leah rushed over and dabbed my tears with kitchen roll. “Are you—”
“I’m… it’s just if this wouldn’t have happened and if you weren’t so fucking stubborn about wanting me here for the show, I wouldn’t have you—not like this.”
I wrapped my arms around her tight and rested my head on her shoulder.
Leah rubbed my back and whispered, “I’m not stubborn because I’m being a bitch, I’m just trying to manifest things.”
I giggled and pulled back. “You absolutely can be a stubborn bitch, but I will give you manifesting on this one.”
She gave me a long kiss. “Who wants cheese?”
And just like that, we moved onto Leah’s favorite thing. I sat on the couch while she and Mac caught up and stared out over the evening’s low clouds. It felt like a new dawn. I prayed that tomorrow we’d wake feeling positive and ready for whatever came.