Chapter 30 #2
A sour taste fills my mouth thinking about all this now. But I clear my throat and ask what feels like the hardest, most obvious question. “Do you think he would’ve been better off if he’d gone to med school?”
The expression on Drew’s face tells me he gets my subtext: If Kyle hadn’t enlisted, if he hadn’t had a TBI, maybe he’d still be alive.
His big hands go still, buried next to mine in Rufus’s fur. “We already discussed his depression . . . how it intensified after his injury.”
Our eyes meet, and when he pins me with those desolate green eyes, it’s like I’m being suffocated by Kyle’s ghost—by the darkness and sorrow that always chased him, that he never got out from under.
Then Drew pushes his glasses up his nose.
And somehow, that simple gesture shifts the air between us, pushing oxygen back into my lungs.
“We did,” I whisper.
“He struggled with it all his life. But Kyle always made his own choices,” Drew says. “And I admired him for that.”
Acid burns the back of my throat. That’s possibly the most loaded statement I’ve ever heard. “You admired him? For fucking killing himself?”
“No—that’s not what I meant.” Drew goes pale and shakes his head.
“What I admired was how he lived. He didn’t compromise.
He knew who he was and what he wanted. No one could force him into anything, especially not our parents.
He chose his career. He chose to be with you.
I was the older brother, I should’ve set that example, but . . . I couldn’t.”
I peer at him more closely, confused by his words. “I thought you wanted to be a doctor.”
He doesn’t say anything, and suddenly the room goes still.
“Drew?”
Finally, he raises his head, and the look in his eyes reminds me of one of the rare times Kyle spoke about his brother. All he’d said was, Drew always does what he’s told.
My heartbeat slows. “I . . . think I understand.”
His gaze drops to his lap.
“Well,” I say, my voice thick. “That comes back to my point. Maybe if Kyle had followed your lead, he’d still be here.”
“I doubt that,” Drew says with finality. But then he looks at me a moment, tilting his head like he’s conflicted. “Do you think . . . You made it clear how things ended. Would it be weird to tell me how you and Kyle started?”
This is so the last thing I expect him to ask, I nearly laugh. “I’m sorry, what?”
He shrugs, though I don’t miss a flicker of a smile. “You don’t have to share. I was just curious. I know I missed out on a lot that was important to him.”
I straighten, running my hand along Rufus’s side.
For a long time, Drew Forbes was a symbol of everything that had gone wrong.
He was the last person I would’ve told anything about my first love.
But sitting here, riding out another storm with him and Rufus, things have shifted.
Right now, he feels like the only person in the world I want to talk to about Kyle.
“Um, it’s been a while since I thought about this .
. .” I close my eyes. “On some level, he was always there. Kyle and Theo were best friends. I’m not sure I stood out to him either for a long time.
” When I realize I’m grinning, I open my eyes.
“I guess that changed sophomore year. Kyle and Theo showed up at one of my track meets, and of course Kyle had a very large ‘puppy’ with him.” I stick out my tongue.
“As you’ve pointed out, I’ve never been a huge dog fan, and that didn’t improve when Kyle’s dog got loose and chased me halfway around the track. ”
Drew covers his mouth with his hand, but his eyes dance.
“Eventually, his dumb black lab ran right in front of me. I nearly crashed, and I ended up losing the event for our team. So when I saw Kyle and his idiot dog waiting for me after the meet, I didn’t hesitate to tell him exactly what I thought of his ‘training skills.’”
Drew can no longer contain his laughter. “What did he have to say for himself?”
“He waited patiently until I’d run out of insults, then he asked me out.” My heart does a light skip when I meet Drew’s eyes.
He clears his throat. “Well, um . . . having been on the receiving end of similar criticism, I’m impressed he had the guts.”
My smile broadens as the memory replays. Kyle was scrawnier then. His hair shaggier. But he had a double-dimple smile, a jaw that could cut glass, and enough charm in his little finger to make a team of cheerleaders swoon. “I lost the heat.” I shrug. “But I won a very cute boyfriend.”
“You were together a long time,” Drew says quietly.
“Yeah. Eleven years.” I clutch my chest as the ache seeps back in. “By the time we graduated from high school, I knew everything about him. His passions, his hobbies, his dreams . . .” I force a breath in and out. “But I still couldn’t save him.”
“I couldn’t either, Caprice.” His voice is somber.
“I tried to make amends. I came to the wedding to show my support, to try and say I was sorry. But when I got there and thought you were leaving . . . I didn’t know what to say to him.
So I left. By the time I was ready to try again, he did the same thing to me that he did to you—he just pulled further away. ”
My pulse beats in my throat. “Sometimes I think if I’d just—”
“You did everything you could.” Drew raises his head and holds my gaze. “Kyle’s own thoughts were his worst enemy. It was never me, and it was never you.”
My eyelids flutter closed. “I-I loved him so much.”
“I know.” His voice is raw. “I did too.”