Chapter Five
Tate
H ow can I be ecstatically happy for Olivia, but miserable for myself at the same time? These two emotions should not exist at the same time within myself. But I’m doing my best despite it all. Everyone has arrived for the wedding now. Most aren’t staying at the villa as that’s reserved for family, but Olivia is in full bride mode. She’s so beautiful that my heart aches when I catch a glimpse of her. Gone is the little girl that followed me everywhere, the girl that wanted to be just like me when she grew up. Now she’s going on to make her own life.
I only hope she makes so many different decisions than me.
The rehearsal is taking place back in the garden, with a dinner afterward under the dusky evening sky. Dressed in my second-best suit, I descend the stairs, only to find Sully waiting anxiously. Shifting from foot to foot, he looks so adorably flustered that I can’t help but smile. Everything about Sully is genuine and vulnerable.
“Hi,” I say from the second to last step. Our eyes are even now and his gaze locks on mine so heavily that a shiver dances up my spine.
Sully holds out his hand. “Be my date, tonight?”
I stare down at his hand. “Sully…”
“Just for now,” Sully says, but his smile is pained. “For tomorrow too. Okay?”
I swallow around the sudden lump in my throat. “Okay, Sully.”
Our hands fit together perfectly. Sully tangles his fingers with mine, his thumb rubbing gently across my knuckles. I want to argue with him that this is a bad idea, that he has no idea what he’s asking.
Rows of chairs are lined up just inside the garden on the back of the property. Sully squeezes my hand tightly, kisses the apple of my cheek, then helps me navigate to the seat at the front reserved for family.
“I’ve gotta do my part, but we’ll spend the rest of the evening together. Okay?”
My eyebrows furrow as I stare up at him. “Sully, what’s?—”
“Just,” Sully interrupts me with a grimace. “After, okay?”
I nod and watch him disappear back toward the rest of the wedding party. My heart is beating out of my chest as I wait for the rehearsal to commence. So many years ago this was me. Olivia was a teen at my own wedding, excited at the prospect of one day having her own fairy-tale nuptials. I’m so glad she’s found a good man in Bailey. Maybe she’ll be the lucky one of us to get it right the first time, make less mistakes than I did.
At this point, I’m not even sure I know how to make a relationship work. I love my job, love what I do, and I’m not sure a person that can deal with me constantly being away exists. But my god, it sounds like a beautiful dream. Without meaning to, I start to imagine that life with Sully. What would it be like to come home from a long shift to find Sully waiting for me on the couch with a glass of wine and a smile? Could I take time away from my job to watch some of his games, support him when he feels like he’s not important enough to be seen?
Music starts as my stepmother begins to walk down the aisle. She sits beside me with a hesitant smile, patting my leg in that familiar way she has since I was a kid. The groomsmen and bridesmaids are next, but my eye is caught on Sully as he comes down the aisle with the maid of honor. His size dwarfs her and I can see the hunch of his shoulders to make himself seem smaller. At least when he’s with me, he doesn’t have the need to make himself smaller. I hope he doesn’t.
When they split apart, my gaze still snags on Sully standing at the front of the makeshift altar. Flowers over the arch sway in the breeze, so does Sully’s perpetually messy blond hair. The music swells and I know I’m supposed to turn around but I can’t. Sully’s eyes pierce through me and my skin feels two sizes too small. I can hear my heart racing in my ears, the blood pulsing to my head as vertigo overtakes me. I should be watching Olivia, not stuck in a magnetic stare-off with Sully. But my god, I can’t look away.
A small, gentle smile tugs at his lips as our gazes remain locked. I can’t help but return his smile. Sully has that effect on me. Feelings I haven’t felt in a long time brew to life inside me, my chest warming as we continue to hold each other's gaze. I blink and there’s cheering, the rehearsal suddenly over as Olivia is kissed by her soon-t0-be husband. Everyone leaves toward the villa for dinner, but I’m rooted to my seat by a force I can’t explain.
Sully slowly makes his way toward me, all broad shoulders and smiles. He holds his hand out to me again and I take it without a second thought. When his skin touches mine, it feels right, feels like maybe that’s where my hand has always belonged. Sully tugs me toward him until our chests brush, forcing me to look up at him.
“Tate,” Sully says softly. His voice sends a shiver down my spine. “Be mine tonight?”
I drop my head against his chest. “You’re killing me.”
“Killing you with romance?”
I laugh lightly. “Just a little, baby.”
Sully pulls away, wraps an arm around my shoulder, and guides me back toward the dinner area. I lean into his side, comforted by his presence. Just a handful of days ago I was dreading this entire affair, afraid that all the emotions inside me would consume me, ruin my ability to feel any sort of joy for my sister. But with Sully at my side, it’s all been so much easier. The long table is full of delicious-smelling food. Sully pulls my chair out for me, making a flush work its way up my neck and into my cheeks.
He sits beside me, curving his arm around the back of my chair again.
“Do you think you’re going to the next Super Bowl?” someone from across the table asks Sully.
Sully shrugs as he makes me a plate of food. “It would be nice if I get another ring my final year, but it’s not up to me. Maybe with Bailey on the roster.” Sully grins and sends a wink Bailey’s way.
Bailey groans and shakes his head. “So much pressure.”
“Big-time QB!” someone else shouts.
Sully looks happy to have the conversation diverted from him so that he can focus loading up his own plate. I lean into his side until he turns his gaze to me.
“I didn’t know this was your last last year.”
Sully chuckles. “I kind of told you earlier. I just want something else, too tired to keep putting my body through all the demands of the game. Want something else now.”
“A family?” I whisper, mouth suddenly dry.
Sully’s eyes sparkle and he goes back to his plate of food. The food is delicious as usual, but my brain can’t focus on it. All I can think about is the solid weight of Sully beside me, the weight of his future that he so badly wants to control, and about all the pressure I put on myself that’s never been necessary. A mess of my own making.
The stars come out as the dinner goes on, wine flows, and laughter fills the air. Two glasses of wine have me feeling just a little warm, enough so that I lean my head against Sully’s shoulder as he carries on a conversation across the table. His fingers draw dizzying loops against my biceps and my eyes fall closed at the tender touch. Oh, to be touched with loving intent after so many years of no touch at all.
“Tate?” Sully whispers against my ear.
“Hmm?”
“Let’s go upstairs.”
Sully manhandles me to standing, then tugs me inside without any argument from me. The lighting is dim as we ascend the stairs, navigating away from my room on the second floor, instead taking the three flights up to his room. I’ve not been in here yet. Something inside me cracks and reforms when Sully’s hand shakes as he opens his bedroom door. Placing my hand over his, I finish pushing the door open, tugging him inside by our still joined hands.
“Sully,” I whisper softly between us. Moonlight slashes across Sully’s face, and I notice for the first time that the wrinkles beside his eyes are deeper than usual. He looks sad, no, not sad, he looks distraught. “Sully,” I say again just before wrapping him up in my arms.
His arms curl around me as he tugs me against his body. I let him hold me, knowing that he needs the comfort that my body oddly gives him.
“You feel so right in my arms,” Sully admits, tone defeated.
I squeeze my eyes shut at his painful words. Oh. This is no good. I navigate through the dark room, push Sully onto the bed, and go about undressing him. My fingers trail the bare skin that appears as I lift his shirt up. His breath stutters out of him, making me puff up with pride that I could have such an effect on this beautiful man. When I start to unbuckle his pants, his hands come up to grab mine.
“Not tonight,” Sully pleads, as if afraid not wanting sex will put a stop to our evening. My sweet man.
I leave one hand on his belt buckle, then use the other to brush the hair from his eyes. “Alright, baby. Alright.”
Sully closes his eyes tight as I continue to undress him. I press a soft kiss to his strong thigh, smiling when the muscle bunches beneath my lips. Once he’s left in just his boxer briefs, I hurriedly undress myself, and join him in the bed. I wiggle under the covers until he follows, then tug the covers over our heads so we're in a world of our own.
“When I was a little boy, I was convinced aliens were going to abduct me in my sleep.”
Sully is frozen for one solid moment, before laughter shakes his entire body. His hand raises to wrap around my neck and he presses his forehead to mine. “Why would you be worried about that of all things?”
“I watched this weird alien movie with my grandma and it just scared me shitless. I didn’t sleep but for a few hours for a solid year.” I laugh at the memory. “Even now I don’t like to watch alien movies. The universe is so big…”
“Why would they want to abduct you of all people?”
I snort and pinch his side, laughing when he wiggles closer. “I’m extremely smart. They’ll want to experiment on me and dissect my brain.”
“Definitely,” Sully quickly agrees. He looks thoughtful for a moment, the creases around his eyes deepening. “I have an irrational fear of rabbits.”
“Not irrational. They have sharp teeth.”
Sully groans. “You’re not supposed to make it worse .”
I lean forward to kiss him because I need to taste his smile, taste his laugh. Sully’s big hand presses against the small of my back, tugging me close enough that I forget where his body ends and mine begins. Rubbing my bare foot along his calf, I tangle my fingers in the soft hair at the nape of his neck. Time feels suspended in Sully’s arms. I wonder what would’ve happened had I found him back in Portland. Would I have even given him a shot? Would I have let myself miss out on this perfect man that somehow sees me for me, wants me for me? I wish distance wasn’t such a large divide. It’s so easy to imagine a future unfurling before us as we date, discover each other, find out if we’re as good of a match as Tuscany has made us feel.
Sully’s lips slow, his body growing heavier against me. I kiss him until his eyes stay shut, until I’ve realized he’s fallen asleep in my arms. My sweet Sully. The temperature is too warm under the covers, so I toss them off of us. Sully tugs me closer to him in his sleep, needing me close even in his dreams. I trail my fingers over his slight beard. He looks good with it, and I like the way it feels against my skin as he kisses me. Gives him a little bit of protection against beard burn from kissing me, too.
The damn scar between his eyebrows gnaws at me, bringing some emotion to the surface that I’m not sure I can name. Maybe protectiveness, maybe anger that someone could treat little Sully with anything but tender care. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. All I know is that Sully is safe in my arms tonight, safe in my bed, and safe in my care.
Sully is still asleep when I wake up the next morning. I kiss his cheeks, kiss his closed eyes, kiss his nose, kiss him anywhere I can reach until his eyes are blinking open. A sleepy smile tilts his lips up as he tugs me closer to him. I tuck my head into his neck as we cuddle under the warm light of morning. He smells like sleep and warmth, like everything good that he embodies.
“It’s the big day,” Sully says, voice still sleep-soft.
“It’ll be fun.”
“Yeah?”
I nod and kiss the warm skin under my lips. “We’ll make it fun.”
Sully nods. “I’ve got to get up. Best man duties call.”
“Alright.” I kiss the corner of Sully’s mouth before hopping out of the bed. “I can’t wait to see you in your suit. I know you’ll be so handsome. Most handsome man here.”
Sully lifts one eyebrow as he sits up halfway, looking like every fantasy I’ve had since I discovered fantasies as a teenage boy. “More handsome than the groom?”
I snort as I tug on my wrinkled pants. “Double more handsome than Bailey. That’s my future brother-in-law.”
Sully sighs. “Right. I’ll see you at the wedding, then?”
I nod, shoot him a grin, then open up the door to peek into the hallway. It’s clear. I sneak down the stairs toward the second floor, only to be caught by my father. He wears a grin and hands me a still steaming mug of coffee.
“Olivia was looking for you early this morning.”
“Shit,” I swear just before burning my tongue on the coffee.
Dad lays a heavy hand on my shoulder. “She figured you were up to something better and decided to leave you alone. Not an emergency. You doing okay, kid?”
I grimace slightly as I stare at the ground. “Better than I expected. I thought… thought I’d be thinking about my wedding. But I haven’t been.” I look up the stairs toward Sully’s room. “I’ve had a nice distraction.”
“Just a distraction?” Dad asks, his knowing eyes looking right through me.
“He’s younger… deserves better. Not someone as jaded as me.”
Dad laughs loudly, breaking through my momentary pity party. “You’re not jaded, Tate. You’ve been dealt a shitty hand, fell in love with the wrong person. Happens to the best of us, and it doesn’t mean that your second chance isn’t just around the corner.”
“Yeah?” I ask hopefully, wishing it was true.
“Yeah,” Dad agrees before slapping me hard on the back. He disappears down the stairs as I stare blankly into the coffee. Today is about Olivia, about her future, not mine, so I’m going to set it aside and worry about her today. Make it the best day I can.
Somehow my room still smells like Sully. I close my eyes tight and take a deep breath, wishing I could hold on to it when I return back home to my empty townhouse, with sheets that only smell like dryer sheets. I take an extra-long shower, feeling bad for myself, but doing my best to hype myself up. I can do this! I can be the best big brother in the world.
Standing in front of the slightly foggy bathroom mirror, I adjust my silver tie. I don’t wear suits that often. The last time I wore one was probably for my own wedding day. But today I’m ten years older, salt and pepper slowly taking over my hair, but I’m still the same me.
I sneak down to the first floor where Olivia’s room is bustling with activity. Holding my hand over my eyes, I knock until the door opens, and I hear the soft chuckle of my stepmom.
“Silly boy.” Her warm fingers wrap around my wrist and tug me inside. “Olivia! Tate is here.”
“Tate!” Olivia screams just as I tug my hand away.
She looks gorgeous in her off-white wedding gown. A tight bodice, with flowing tulle that makes her look like the princess she’s always been. I kiss her cheek softly, not wanting to mess up her expertly done makeup.
“You look beautiful,” I tell her as tears gather in my eyes.
“Oh my god, not you too!” Olivia slaps my chest with the back of her hand. “Y’all are going to make me cry on my wedding day.”
I clear my throat and stand straighter, doing my best to yank the tears back in. “We can’t have that. Are you ready? Got your vows all memorized?”
“Yeah, Tate. I’m all set. Are you good?”
Her question puzzles me. “Yeah, Olivia, I’m great. Like always. I love you. I’m going to go see if anyone needs anything outside, help Dad, maybe. Okay?”
Before I can actually start crying and ruin her wedding, I flee the bride’s suite and head outside. The grounds are fluttering with activity as the final touches are put on for the wedding. Guests fill the chairs and are walking around the grounds. So many people are here now, it's easier to get lost in the crowd, which is my favorite thing to do.
A few distant family members stop and talk to me, but I genuinely don’t care. I keep looking around hoping to catch a glimpse of Sully. But of course I don’t because he’s off somewhere with Bailey, doing groomsmen things. One look at him would make my spiraling anxiety dampen just enough to get me through. After shaking hands with some more family, I make my way up to the front to take my seat. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of the warm breeze that blows over me.
When the music starts, I turn around to watch, but my eyes automatically seek out Sully. It’s easy to spot him at the back, towering over everyone, even the other football players. He’s smiling softly as he speaks with the maid of honor, her arm loosely wrapped around his. Last night I slept with that arm wrapped around me. Sully’s eyes catch mine and that’s when I feel it, that electricity that connects us to one another in some way I cannot explain. Soul knowing soul. Sully grins that bashful smile of his, before focusing back on the girl on his arm to finish their journey to the altar.
I keep my head turned to wait for Olivia, because I can’t let my gaze linger on Sully, or I’ll start crying, maybe do something stupid like stand up and declare my love for him. After days. What the hell is wrong with me? Olivia looks gorgeous in her gown, her arm looped around our father’s. I brush a tear from my cheek. Weddings always make me fucking cry.
I follow Olivia’s journey to the altar, smiling brightly when her gaze seeks out mine, before locking back on Bailey’s. The warmth of Sully’s gaze slides over me until I can’t help but find him behind Bailey.
Sully’s gaze is so intense, so needy, that my skin burns where it touches. The weight of his stare threatens to undo me. Just like at the rehearsal, we keep eye contact through the ceremony. I should feel like a shitty big brother, but I can’t tear my gaze from Sully. Can’t break whatever spell that’s over us.
Cheers erupt, and I shake myself to realize I missed the entire ceremony. Olivia and Bailey are still kissing, then Bailey lifts their joined hands. I stand and clap with everyone else so I don’t look suspicious. Just like the previous day, the crowd slowly leaves for cocktail hour, and I wait for Sully to find me in the empty rows of chairs.
Sully holds his hand out again, giving me the strangest deja vu of my life. “Be my date?”
“How many dates are we going to have?” I ask softly as I take his hand.
Sully’s smile is soft and bright. “As many as you’ll give me.”
I’m lost. So lost.