Chapter Twenty
Brent
“So what would you like to talk about today, Brent?”
Back in California, I locked my office door and put the Do Not Disturb sign on it so I could do therapy during my lunch hour and in between meetings. I was glad Thea was doing appointments remotely while visiting her daughter in New York City.
“Renny Ross.”
Since our reunion in Missouri a few months back, Renny and I had been in touch primarily for professional reasons due to his remote work assignment with C.U.
Bay Area. As part of the lead-up to the university’s founding celebration, I talked with Renny a few times a week as he worked on my profile, designating me one of the notable people of campus.
We talked about everything except what happened in Missouri recently, what we’d once been to each other, and the twenty years of history and distance between us. The fact that our promise to stay in touch skewed toward the professional bothered me, and I needed Thea’s insight.
Thea kept her professional demeanor as she asked, “So it’s bothering you that you and Renny haven’t discussed anything personal since your Missouri reunion?”
“Exactly.”
“But you both made a promise that you would.”
“Yes.”
“Is there a reason you haven’t opened up communication to the personal?”
I sat and thought about it. Thea and her damn professionalism and introspective questions. “I mean, I was good with the radical honesty thing when it came to telling Macy and the kids my truth, with seeking the separation and divorce, and stepping into a new life in San Francisco in my forties.”
“You’ve accomplished a lot in a short time, being radically honest with yourself about who you are and how you want to spend the near future.”
“I know I have, Thea, and I appreciate how you’ve gotten me to this point.”
“Go on.”
“I still carry guilt about uprooting my family. It’s the family structure I’ve always wanted. And I’m working through the fact that, for me, family has always been flexible since I was in the foster system, and that I have a lot of internalized homophobia…still.”
“I’m listening.”
“Back to Renny. I thought we’d both jump at the chance to be with each other again after all these years. But it’s not that easy. It’s just been work and him interviewing me for the campus anniversary celebration.”
“How are you feeling? Is your feelings wheel handy in your office?”
With a chuckle, I said, “I don’t need the feelings wheel to know I’m confused as hell right now.
I loved Renny so much back in college. I looked up to him.
He’s the reason I was able to finally name these feelings and attraction to men.
He was my first time with a guy. He was my guy and I was his, even when we had to keep our feelings and connection secret back then. It should be so easy now.”
“Should it?”
“I mean, we talked through the reason for me leaving Missouri so abruptly and me breaking things off with him back then. I thought I made it clear I’d spend the rest of my life making amends for hurting him.
I thought I made it clear that I wanted to pick up where we left off, even after we made out and fucked like teenagers in his hotel room after the Missouri Black Alumni event.
I’m confused. Maybe it’s the way guys are with each other. ”
Thea positioned her glasses on her nose and cleared her throat. That meant she was about to drop some gems for me to reflect on.
“I’m hearing a lot of ‘I thought’ instead of ‘I did,’ ‘I asked,’ ‘I clarified,’ and ‘I said,’ ” Thea said. “That doesn’t sound like the radical honesty concept we’ve been working on. Does it?”
“Okay. You’re right. You’re right. I’ve made a lot of assumptions.”
“When you and Macy were married, it required more communication than assumptions, right?”
“Yes. A whole lot more. For us as a couple, and for us as parents. You’re right.”
“Now, Renny could be your future. Or he could not . He’s in Detroit, right?
You’re in the Bay Area. If there’s a future to be had, it’s going to take both of you opening up communication about where you’ve been and if you want to go somewhere together, especially with two thousand miles and twenty-something years separating you. ”
“You make it sound so easy, Thea, which I know it can be.”
“How easy or difficult it is, it’s up to you.”
“Point taken.”
“This next idea I’m going to pose is just a thought to reflect on.”
“Oh boy. You’re about to drop the hammer, Thea?”
We both smiled, and Thea continued, “What is the worst that could happen if you took your time and didn’t try to rush a future with Renny?
You’ve got months ahead before your divorce is final, and you know how it can be in California.
L.B. has his senior year and all that comes with graduating high school, and I know you’ve said you still want to attend his games, do college visits, and all that.
You and Bracee have both told me that she struggles with your sexuality and you leaving her mom.
What’s the worst that can happen if you clear that part of your plate first before taking on Renny again? ”
“It’s a lot to think about. And you’re right, at the same time.”
“It’s just my professional thoughts. Want more?”
“Sure.”
I wasn’t sure where the session was going, but I was feeling more confused, while gaining clarity. Much like our previous sessions together.
“This is related to your sexuality and your emerging new life. Some questions to think about. Write these down and we can discuss them in a future session. Would it be helpful for you if I referred you to a queer person, or even a Black queer man, as a therapist? Next, since Renny was twenty-something years ago, and the only man you say you’ve ever been with or dated, would you ever consider meeting and dating any men other than Renny? Or any other women, for that matter?”
“It’s Renny or nothing at this point,” I said emphatically. “The way I hear these kids are running the streets, hell no, Thea.”
“I’m just posing the questions for you to reflect on, Brent. You don’t know what you don’t know in terms of dating other people. I mean, you’re an athletic guy. There are so many out, queer, and zesty athletes these days, queer sports leagues, and more outlets.”
“Okay. I hear you. I don’t think I’m interested in other people.”
“If you say so. Ready for this one? Are you wanting Renny because of who he is today and how you feel with him today? Or are you wanting the feeling that comes from the memories from twenty-something years ago, when he was part of awakening your sexuality?”
“Well damn, Thea. I see New York City bluntness has gotten into you on your visit out there.”
“I’m just your therapist.”
“And I appreciate you.”
Thea looked at her watch, so I realized we were getting close to the end of our session. Forty-five minutes went quickly with Thea.
“Finally, I like and appreciate that your supervisor and his partner have brought you into their Black, queer friend group. I’m glad you’re so lucky to have a supportive and welcoming supervisor in Dr. Taylor James.
But this. Are you thinking about the importance of boundaries and developing your own friend group in time? ”
“I’ve got all these notes and questions on my tablet.”
“Again, just questions. Journal on them. We’ll spend a few sessions on them. I really want you to give them thought.”
“That’s all? Anything else?”
Thea steepled her hands in front of her mouth and then released them.
“Beyond all the questions I asked you to reflect on for future sessions, I have one final piece of homework,” she said.
“If you want something beyond professional talk with Renny, you can pick up the phone, get on FaceTime, set up a Zoom meeting, send a text, or buy some stamps and mail an old-fashioned card or letter to him. No more ‘I thought.’ If you want, and he consents and welcomes your reaching out to him, do.”
That was the best two-hundred-dollar session money could buy. Thea and I ended our call, and I hit send on the payment to her.
Five minutes later, I picked up the phone and found Renny’s contact info.
I’m just checking in on you to see how you are. I’m interested in picking up regular communication with you, if you want. How does that sound to you? No pressure. I think about you every day.