Chapter Eleven
K atherine steeled her nerves and tapped on the hospital room door. She’d spent a sleepless night, alternating between worrying about her mom’s health and wondering what she should say about the cards and letters. In an odd way, she knew it was good to have something to distract her from the reality of the diagnosis.
“Come in,” Her mother called.
Katherine squinted as she stepped inside the room. The shades were pulled up and early morning sunlight streamed into the room. She pulled the door shut behind her. “Good morning.” She held up a bag and a coffee cup. “I stopped at Starbucks on my way here.” She sat the bag on her mom’s bed and handed her the cup. “Blueberry muffin and a tall mocha. The breakfast of champions.”
Her mom smiled. “You’re my most favorite daughter.”
“Very funny.” Katherine perched on the bed. “Unless you’ve got another daughter stashed away somewhere, I’d better be.” Her face clouded over as she thought about the cards and letters she’d read yesterday. Did her biological father have another daughter? Did she have brothers and sisters out there that she didn’t know about?
She felt her mother’s eyes on her and looked up to meet her gaze. There were certainly a couple of elephants in the room this morning. It was time to tackle the first one. “So. Has the doctor been by this morning?”
Her mother nodded. “Yes. It looks like I’m going home tomorrow.” She took a sip of coffee. “Please don’t worry. I know the news wasn’t the best yesterday, but I’m going to fight. You know that.”
Katherine nodded. “I know.”
They sat in silence for a long moment. Finally, her mom sat her coffee cup on the table. “Katherine, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you must be thinking right now.”
Katherine shook her head. “Don’t be sorry, Mom. Just tell me the truth about him.”
“We shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. We were so young. Younger than you are now.” She got a faraway look in her eyes as if she were looking deep into the past. “Eddie was so smart. Just being around him, you knew he was destined for big things. And I. . . well, I was a little bit wilder back then. I always liked to test the limits, you know?” She eyed her daughter. “Thankfully you didn’t inherit that particular wild streak. My mother always said it would serve me right if I had a daughter who behaved just I did.” Her mouth twisted into a smile. “I like to think that instead I had a daughter who got the best parts of me and the best parts of her father and none of our glaring flaws.”
Katherine shook her head. “I’m sure you weren’t that bad.”
Her mother sighed and brushed off a stray morsel of muffin from the sheet. “I got pregnant with you the night of our senior prom.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what came over us. I think we were giddy with excitement that school was almost over and our “real” lives were about to start. The prom was magical and afterward. . .well, things got out of hand. It was the first time for both of us.” She sighed. “I didn’t tell you before now because I didn’t want you to turn out to be one of those girls who justified sleeping with your boyfriend because you found out your mom had when she was your age.”
Katherine couldn’t help but grin. “Mom, you’ve made your feelings about that very clear. I think I learned about the birds and the bees way before any of the other girls in my class.”
Her mother laughed. “I wanted you to know all the facts and how I felt about the matter.” She locked her gaze with Katherine’s. “Anyway, by the time I found out I was expecting, it was time for graduation. Your father and I weren’t even seeing each other anymore. Honestly, I think we both felt a lot of guilt over what happened prom night and we just couldn’t get past it.” Her brown eyes clouded over. “Telling my parents was so hard. They were disappointed, to say the least.” She glanced over at Katherine. “Looking back now, I can say that you were the single best thing to ever happen to me. But at that time, it was really difficult. Our parents put a lot of pressure on us to marry.” She sighed. “I didn’t want to marry Eddie. We weren’t even in love. We’d only been on a few dates. But I gave in.”
“What about him? Did he want to marry you?” Katherine couldn’t imagine going through something like that right out of high school.
“He said it was the right thing to do. For him, right and wrong were always black and white, you know? He had so much integrity, even at a young age. I think he thought it was his duty to marry me and be a father to you.”
“If that was how he felt, I don’t understand why things turned out how they did. What happened?”
“I was so unhappy. We had a quick wedding the week after graduation. My mom wanted me to walk down the aisle before anyone knew. As if that would make it okay somehow.” She shrugged. “She got her wish though. Most people assumed you were conceived on our honeymoon.”
Katherine barely knew her grandparents. She could count the times she’d seen them on one hand, but from what she knew of them, they were very proper. She could only imagine that having a pregnant and unwed daughter must’ve been their worst nightmare.
“We tried to make it work but were both miserable. At first, it was okay. Kind of like an adventure. But suddenly, we were grownups with jobs and bills and responsibilities.” Her mother gave a wistful smile. “He started college and I found a job working at the front desk of a hospital.” She grabbed Katherine’s hand. “The one thing we had in common was that we already loved you. It was a tough situation, but we were honestly happy to be bringing you into the world. From the moment I felt you move inside me, I knew I’d been put on earth to be your mother.”
Katherine managed a tiny smile. “So what happened next? Was he there when I was born?”
Jane nodded. “He sure was.” She grinned at the memory. “He was more nervous than me I think—always fearful he’d do something wrong. He made the head nurse teach him how to change your diaper so he’d know just the right way.”
“But how did things change so quickly?” Katherine knew that only two years after she was born, her mother had married Mike.
“Once we were home from the hospital, the enormity of the situation hit me. I was married to a man I didn’t love and who I was sure didn’t love me. I wanted out.” She shook her head. “So I did some pretty awful stuff.”
“What do you mean?”
“At first, I’d leave you with my parents and go out with my friends. They were living it up in the dorm. When I’d go visit them, I’d pretend like I wasn’t a wife and mother.” She looked pleadingly at Katherine. “But I loved you so much. You were always taken care of.” Her mother shook her head. “I tried to make Eddie unhappy so that he would leave me, but he never would. I tried everything.” She paused. “And then I ran into an old boyfriend from junior high. He worked with me at the hospital, and we always had the best conversations. I fell hard for him, even though I had a husband and child. When your dad found out, he was devastated. As those things usually do, things soon fell apart with my old flame. But by then, the damage was already done with your father. I didn’t see that I had many options, and to tell you the truth, I was terrified of losing you. So I withdrew all the money from our savings account, packed the car and hit the road with you. I drove until we reached California.” She took another sip of coffee. “I’d just turned nineteen. Can you imagine? Nineteen.”
“How have you kept all this from me for all these years?” Katherine was amazed. Her mother had lived an entire life that she’d never known about.
Her mother’s face was sheepish. “When you hear a doctor tell you that there isn’t anything that can be done for you. . .I think it makes you want to share all your secrets.” She managed a tiny smile. “Besides, these are things you need to know. It makes me feel better to know that you’re going to know my whole story. Your whole story.”
“What happened once we got to California?” Katherine tried to imagine leaving her family and friends, driving across the country with a newborn and starting over. No wonder her mother was as strong as she was. She’d really had to grow up fast.
“In hindsight, it wasn’t the smartest thing to do. I left everyone I’d ever known, including my parents. But I was determined. I cleaned houses for a living so I wouldn’t have to put you in day care. I’d take you with me and leave you in your little bouncy seat. But you didn’t care. You were always such a happy baby.” Her mom reached over and tucked a stray hair behind Katherine’s ear. “Your dad finally tracked us down, though. It was the angriest I’d ever seen him. He demanded we come back home with him. But by then, I’d met Mike. Your dad finally agreed to a divorce but wanted visitation rights.”
“He did? I thought he never wanted to see me.” That was the story Katherine had always been told.
Her mother inhaled sharply. “This is the part that I have to apologize for. I should never have told you that he wasn’t interested in being your father. The truth is he was crazy about you. But he was so young.” She shook her head. “Whenever you’d go spend time with him, you cried more than he thought was normal. He didn’t know what to do with you. I think he tried just about everything. One week while you were with him, he even bought you a puppy, thinking maybe it would make you happy.”
“Easton. I saw a picture in the box.” Katherine drew her brows together. This was so complicated.
“I tried to explain to him that you were fussy because you didn’t know him, but he didn’t believe it. He thought it meant he was bad at being a father. And then, right after Mike and I got married, he came to the house to see you. You clung to Mike and didn’t want anything to do with Eddie. I think it hurt him so much, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t realize that you were just scared. So when Mike wanted to adopt you so we could live as a family, Eddie agreed to it.” Her mother sighed. “From that point on, your dad would send cards and letters, but he stopped visiting. Eventually he gave up on seeing you.”
“Just like that.” Katherine shook her head. “It sounds like he must not have wanted to be my dad too bad. Otherwise, he would’ve done more than just send letters and cards.” She didn’t point out that she’d never actually received them, because her mother knew that all too well.
“I shouldn’t have hidden those from you all that time. At first, I tried to tell myself it was for the best.”
“The best?”
“It was in your best interest not to be torn between two families. I guess in my mind, when Eddie relinquished his visitation rights, I convinced myself it was like he was saying he didn’t want to be part of your life.” She paused. “But I knew better than that. He wrote those cards and letters steadily. I think he was hoping that once you got a little older, you’d want to meet him.”
“But since I didn’t know he was sending them, it never crossed my mind.” Katherine finished. A year ago, she’d have been furious about this discovery. But now, coupled with the news of yesterday, it was a little easier to take. “Have you talked to him over the years?”
Her mom shook her head. “No. We haven’t spoken since Mike legally adopted you eighteen years ago.” She sighed. “I guess you saw all the checks. He sent checks to both of us throughout the years. I never cashed any of them though. I felt too guilty. He wasn’t getting to know you and to raise you like I was, and I knew that was my fault. So I didn’t think it would be right to take his money.” She grabbed Katherine’s hand. “Can you forgive me?”
It was so much to digest. And at this point, even knowing the truth didn’t seem to help much. It wasn’t like they could go back in time and change anything. “Of course. You were doing what you thought was best.” Katherine raised an eyebrow. “If you weren’t sick, would you ever have told me the truth?”
“I’d like to think so. Like I said, the news from yesterday prompted the decision, but it is something I’ve thought about a lot, especially now that you’re grown. The decision about whether to have him in your life shouldn’t be up to me anymore.”
Katherine furrowed her brow. “What are you saying? You think I should meet him?”
Her mother nodded. “That is exactly what I’m saying. I have no idea if he’s married or if he has children. But the fact that up until last year he was sending you cards and letters tells me that you’ve never been far from his mind. Or heart.” She cupped Katherine’s face. “Will you at least think about it?”
Katherine nodded. She would think about it. But she was pretty sure she knew what her decision would be.