Chapter 5 #2
“I know.” He’d already decided he’d give the ad two more days. Then he’d resort to . . . well, something. A loan from Jackson,
which he could pay back by getting a second job bagging groceries. Whatever it took. “I’ll make it happen.”
“Fine,” she said. “There’s lasagna on the stove.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
He went to the kitchen, filled a plate, and returned to the table. Tansy ate without looking at him, and he chewed without
tasting his food. In Paige’s absence, bewilderment crept in, as it usually did.
How had his life turned out this way? How had he ended up sharing a home with a woman who couldn’t have been less interested
in him if she’d tried? Not that Tansy hated him; she didn’t. She just . . . didn’t care. Briefly, he wondered what would happen
if he wrecked his truck and landed himself in the ICU.
Tansy would probably only show up if Paige asked her to.
Then again, they’d never promised each other caring, or even friendship. They’d gotten pregnant and resolved to give their
child the best life possible, which had meant getting married and buying a house and committing to all the other forms of
adulting that came with trying to raise a decent kid in a fucked-up world.
Which Nick had resigned himself to long ago. But seeing Aubrey today had thrown open doors he’d done his damnedest to close.
How different would things be if she greeted him at the end of the day?
He could say one thing with certainty. He sure as hell wouldn’t have let her limp around the grocery store with a cart full of firewood while he waited outside.
It came as no surprise that Gallant had, because that selfish asshole never did anything that didn’t directly benefit himself.
Which meant Aubrey was probably alone in that drafty house of hers right now, trying to build a fire, except that was more difficult than people realized, and it was getting cold outside, and she was probably freezing, and—
“What’re you glowering about?”
Nick jerked back to reality. “What?”
Tansy watched him, intent. “What’s wrong with you?”
“What? Nothing.”
“No. Something happened. You’re glaring. More than usual, I mean.”
He stared, hoping she’d go back to her food.
When she didn’t, he sighed, then . . . told the truth. Probably because he didn’t have enough energy left to lie, or maybe
because he wanted to inject some actual meaning into his life, for once. “I, uh . . . saw Aubrey MacLean. At the grocery store.”
Tansy swallowed and set her fork down. “Oh.”
He fidgeted. “Yeah.”
She knew what it meant; she’d been there. Hell, she’d been part of it. And while Nick had never told Tansy the full extent
of what losing Aubrey had done to him—that, at times, he’d wondered whether a person could die of heartbreak—he knew she knew.
Tansy was many things, but she wasn’t stupid.
She fisted the napkin on her lap. “Is that going to be a problem?”
A bitter snort snuck out of him. “Would you actually care, if it was?”
Well, shit. He hadn’t meant to say that, but the words fell heavily and sat there, like a lobbed bomb he now had no choice but to watch explode.
“Sorry,” he finally said. “I didn’t mean—”
“No, it’s fine. You have every right to ask me that.”
He froze, wondering if he’d misheard. They’d never spoken about their relationship candidly. Or at all, really. Tansy was
unfailingly practical and never talked about feelings. Even the decision to separate had been businesslike, a transactional
exchange of emotionless facts.
At least for her. For him, it had been a knife slipped expertly between his ribs. Not because he’d lost her, but because the
end of their marriage had confirmed the death of the thing he’d wanted so badly. The thing he’d broken Aubrey’s heart for.
The thing he’d broken his own heart for.
Family.
He pushed a chunk of lasagna around on his plate. “Sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.”
Tansy let out a long exhale. “Not really. Look, I know our life isn’t what you pictured. It’s not what I pictured, either.
You know if it wasn’t for Paige, I wouldn’t have chosen you. And you definitely wouldn’t have chosen me.”
He startled, his head jerking back. She’d said it just like that. As if it were self-evident. Which it was.
Still.
“I also know you had a different plan when we met,” she continued. “One that involved Aubrey. And I know you’ve kept her letter,
all these years. I know you still read it, too.”
His fork clattered to the table, his fingertips numb.
“The thing is, Nick, I don’t care if you’re still in love with her. All I’ve ever cared about is Paige.”
He groped for a response and came up empty.
“So if Aubrey MacLean is back in Henderson, my only question is, what does that mean for us? For our daughter?”
He wondered if he was having a stroke. Was this how people felt right before their brains shriveled up and died? “Nothing.
It means nothing.”
“Come on.” Tansy’s nose wrinkled. Nick had the dizzying sense that he’d disappointed her, somehow. “Be realistic. You’re not
going to let it go, just like that.”
The room’s air thinned, too insubstantial to support his fumbling lungs. Of course he wouldn’t let it go. He’d obsess over
it. Lose sleep. But that didn’t change the fact that Aubrey hated him, even after all these years.
“If you try to stay away from her, you’ll only fixate more.” Tansy’s mouth tightened. “And I don’t think I can handle even
more brooding around here. I’ve just about reached my limit as it is.”
“What?” he huffed. “I don’t brood.”
Her look turned reproachful. “What do you actually want to happen? With her? Be honest.”
He went still. Fuck. So many things. Everything. To go to Aubrey and beg her forgiveness. To write her love letters until his fingers bled, to confess the endless times he’d
dreamed of her over the years and wished he could rewrite history.
Tansy’s fingernails drummed against the table. Nick searched her face for some kind of clue as to what she wanted, but it
felt like trying to see underwater. Everything looked blurry, and he couldn’t manage to catch his breath.
So he simply gave the rawest, truest answer he could. “I want to go see her. Right now. Even if she tells me to fuck off,
I just . . . need to make sure she’s okay.”
Tansy sat back, looking almost satisfied. “Okay. Then go. As long as you come back.”
“Come back? Why wouldn’t I come back?”
“I don’t mean tonight,” she said matter-of-factly. “I just mean if you stay, you come home tomorrow. And the day after that. Don’t get carried away.”
He stared, his mind spinning. The idea that Aubrey would do anything besides slam the door in his face was laughable.
But Tansy apparently disagreed, because her gaze was level. “Paige needs her dad, and this family needs a provider. But you
have to get your needs met somehow.”
“My needs?” He scoffed. “No, it’s not like that. At all. Aubrey hates me. She barely spoke to me in the store.”
Tansy’s gaze thinned. “Why? None of what happened was your fault.”
His jaw tightened while silence spread like a stain. How he wished that were true. “She doesn’t see it that way.”
“She will, if you talk to her. So go. Blow off some steam. I mean, when’s the last time you actually enjoyed yourself with
someone?”
He swallowed, then slid his gaze away. Fuck this whole conversational blazing of trails if it led them here. “Um . . .” He played with his fork as if riveted by it.
Tansy’s eyes scanned back and forth, reading his silence. “My god. You can’t be serious. You haven’t been tending to yourself
this whole time, have you?”
He flinched at the bluntly personal question. He absolutely had. He’d been fucking his own hand in the shower for six years,
all the while knowing he was the kind of person who could only fall in love once. And who apparently couldn’t fall back out.
Who would never see anything behind his closed eyelids but garnet hair and green eyes and the world’s lightest dusting of
freckles strewn across seashell-pale skin.
When he didn’t answer, Tansy clucked her tongue. “Wow. No wonder you glare so much.”
Nick gripped the dining table’s edges, as if he could grab hold of her accusation and throttle it. “I don’t glare any more than I brood.”
“Right. My mistake. Look. Why don’t I make this easy?” She gathered the plates and took them to the kitchen. A moment later,
she returned and set his truck keys on the table. “Go. Get Aubrey out of your system. Just don’t get her pregnant. And don’t
let Paige find out. And clean yourself up, first. You have dirt on your face.”
She walked away. Moments later, the hiss of running water emanated from the kitchen. Dishes clanked. Tansy hummed some pop
hit from the radio, a tune Nick recognized but couldn’t name.
He sat unmoving. What had just happened? It was so fucking surreal he couldn’t even swallow the saliva that pooled in his
throat. But the longer he sat there, clutching the table, the louder his blood buzzed in longing.
Right now, Aubrey was hurt, and probably cold and alone in that massive old house. Unless Gallant had stuck around to help,
but that wasn’t likely. Or, if he had stayed, it was only because he’d managed to convince Aubrey to . . .
Heat rocketed through Nick’s chest. He didn’t allow himself to complete the thought, just snatched up his keys and went to
his bedroom, where he threw on clean clothes and wiped down his face. Not that his appearance mattered. Aubrey would turn
him away the moment he showed himself. But he needed to lay eyes on her, if only for a second. Make sure she was safe.
No reason to look like a vagrant while doing it.
At the front door, he paused. Tansy still hummed in the kitchen, lightly, as if someone had just brightened her day.
A minute later, he was gunning his truck out of the driveway.