TRUE CONFESSIONS
Mallorca, Spain
“MADISON!'' Jamie shrieked so loudly that not only did Kate jump, but so did others near them on the beach. Several eyes turned in Jamie’s direction, investigating what could possibly elicit such distress. Kate, who’d been busy dragging her sunbed out from under the umbrella where they’d plonked their belongings, immediately stopped what she was doing.
“What? What?” Kate presumed she’d missed some imminent catastrophe whilst following Jamie’s gaze towards Emily and Madison. The girls seemed perfectly happy, skipping hand in hand towards the sea; there didn’t seem to be any obvious emergency unfolding. After scouring the beach for any potential shooters who might be threatening their children and checking the sea line for a tsunami, Kate returned her gaze towards Jamie.
“What’s wrong? They’re fine, Jamie. Why the panic?”
“Erm …” Jamie, now slightly embarrassed by her exaggerated public display of neurosis, looked sheepishly towards Kate. “Erm … nothing. I just panicked. I don’t want to lose her.”
Kate was completely mystified, not that they’d ever spent any real time together with their kids, but they’d had enough emails, calls and texts for Kate to have a pretty good sense of her friend. And Jamie had never struck her as being an overprotective parent.
“They’re fine Jamie. Emily knows she has to stay in my eye view and besides, she’s so terrified of jellyfish she’ll only go up to her ankles. Don’t worry.” With that, Kate returned her attention back to the sunbed, dragging the part that was still in the shade so that it was fully in the sun. As she began to lay out her towel, the thought of being in a bikini next to Jamie filled her with horror; she wondered how she could get into a lying position without having to remove her cover-up. Quickly, she started to drag the sunbed back under the umbrella. She could keep the cover-up on if she stayed in the shade.
“Why are you worried about losing her?” Kate was now safely back under the umbrella. “I lose keys, my phone, but I’ve never lost a child on my watch—yet,” she said jokingly, unaware of Jamie’s airport drama. As Jamie and Madison had arrived late the previous night, and with Emily and Tali already asleep, they’d decided to head straight to bed and pause their mammoth catch-up for this precise moment.
“It’s a long story,” sighed Jamie as she peeled off her cream crochet dress and relaxed onto the sunbed. Kate nearly gasped out loud. Not that she’d ever seen Jamie in a bikini before, but bloody hell, she was just skin and bone. She’d thought as much when she’d given Jamie a big hug the night before, but seeing her now in nothing but a tiny string bikini confirmed her fears. Images of how glorious Jamie had looked in her gym gear the first time they met compared to how skeletal she was now worried Kate. She never thought there was such a thing as ‘too thin,’ but looking at her friend now, she surmised that indeed there was.
Not questioning Jamie any further on the possible ‘long story,’ Kate made a mental note to add whatever it may be to their ever-growing list of subjects to be discussed.
Jamie, on the other hand, seemed a little confused by Kate’s sunbed dragging debacle, asking, “Kate, what are you doing with your sunbed?”
“I forgot how sunburned I am. Better to stay in the shade.” Kate was quick to think of a good enough excuse and pleased with herself for providing a valid reason why she wasn’t going to take off her cover-up. “Better stay covered today I think.” Yes, there would be no need to strip off next to Jamie today.
Thankfully, Jamie didn’t seem to question Kate and started to smother her pale skin with factor fifty, regardless of being in the shade. The sun was very damaging, and ageing, and Jamie King was going to do everything in her power to protect what she felt was her primary asset. With both girls lying in the shade, there was a moment of quiet as they both contemplated the beautiful vista before them. The sun bounced like glitter across the calm turquoise waters, framed at the side by rugged rocks, sprinkled with sunbathers. The sound of the tide lapping in and out was hypnotic, accented only by the sounds of chatter and laughter. This very moment, was pure magic. Where to start?
Kate looked around the beach and, spying a bar next to the massage booth, smiled cheekily. “We’ve got a lot to catch up on. I want to know all about this Cameron and life back in London. How’s your mum? And how’s work? And ooh, ooh”—forgetting what she felt to be a priority on the agenda—“the ‘older’ guy? The single parent. Now this is a story I want to hear. But before we start … shall we?” Kate's eyes were fully focused on the bar at the far end of the beach. Jamie followed the direction of her gaze and grinned. She knew exactly what Kate was thinking.
“Darling, it's past twelve o’clock somewhere in the world.”
“I’ll go.” Kate was quick to volunteer. “First round’s on me. I asked Juanita to pick Tali up from summer school today, so we have no rush at all. Today is our day.”
With that, Kate launched off her sunbed and made her way towards the bar. Reaching halfway, she severely regretted not putting on her flip-flops. The sand was scorching. Not just hot, but burning to the point that it was unbearable. She needed to get to a cool patch immediately. Running on the spot for a split second to help ease the pain, she spotted an umbrella not far to her left. In a rare moment of athleticism, Kate crouched down quicker than a prostitute could drop her knickers, and launched herself long jump-style to the nearest bit of shade; landing not quite so athletically in a heap at the foot of two sunbeds. Overwhelmed with relief to no longer be standing on the blistering sand, she gathered herself together and looked up to see two blonde adonises staring at her from their sunbeds with great amusement.
“Sand. Hot!” she exclaimed, as if it weren’t bleating obvious. A smidgen embarrassed, Kate grinned at them cheekily. They both laughed. Standing up, she pointed to the bar. “I forgot my shoes. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your way soon. I just need to recover my feet for a moment,” she continued in English; after all, they didn’t exactly look Spanish.
“That’s okay, anytime,” one commented, whilst laughing, in perfect English with what appeared to be a Scandinavian accent, “Anytime.” He was clearly trying to be flirtatious. “If you want to make a pit stop on your way back, and join us for a drink, you’re more than welcome,” the hot Scandinavian suggested, pointing to a large pitcher of Sangria. Kate laughed, partly with nervousness, unfamiliar with this sort of attention. But mostly because she felt happy and more relaxed than normal. Having Jamie there made her feel different. It was nice.
“I would”—Kate was quick to reply—“but I’m with my friend over there. Thank you though.” Both boys followed Kate’s pointing finger to Jamie, who unbelievably, at that precise moment, was taking off her bikini top and sensually rubbing sunscreen into her breasts. There was a moment of complete silence as both boys' jaws dropped. Kate sniggered, vicariously enjoying the adoration floating Jamie’s way. “It’s a girls’ day.” She was determined to thwart their now escalated desire to join them. There was no way she was going to share Jamie today, and especially not in front of their kids. Before they had a chance to try to persuade her, she all but catapulted herself in the direction of the bar, this time running. She had no idea how she was going to make it back with two glasses and decided that the boys might be onto a good idea—maybe she would get a pitcher of Cosmopolitan. Yes, that should keep them going.
Mission accomplished, Kate returned to Jamie with a pitcher of their favourite cocktail and two plastic glasses. Jamie looked up in surprise. “A pitcher. Really?”
“It’s only a half-litre, and mostly ice. Trust me, you don’t want to be making that journey. It’s hazardous—in more ways than one.” Kate was pretty sure that if Jamie clocked the two guys, she’d probably be keener than she was to have them join them. Returning to her sunbed and perching the pitcher and glasses onto the little round table that circled the umbrella, Kate poured them each a glass. Passing one to Jamie, they both smiled clinking their glasses together.
“So”—Jamie cut to the chase—“are you going to tell me why you stopped going to Salsa then?”
Kate proceeded to explain. It burst out of her like projectile vomit, so desperate was she to confess in the hope of receiving the absolution that she knew Jamie would award her with.
“Let me get this straight”—Jamie spoke slowly, sipping her second glass—“you gave up Salsa because you got a tingle?”
“Yup.” Kate smiled sheepishly, trying to work out how Jamie wasn’t slurring her words while she, on the other hand, was hardly able to talk? The Cosmopolitans were delicious but ever so potent.
“What sort of tingle?” Jamie was confused.
“You know?” Kate giggled. “The tingle.”
Now Jamie was really confused.
“Hun, I’m sorry I’m just not getting it, one minute you’re full of the joys of spring and about to become the latest shit-hot Salsa dancer down the Paseo and the next minute you’re being evasive and talking about some sort of tingle. What tingle? Where was the tingle?”
“I got the tingle in my …” Kate searched frantically for the word which might shed some light on the situation. “In my … loins.”
“In your what?”
“Loins. In my loins.”
“In your what?” Jamie nearly bent over double laughing. Kate clocked that even sitting down, she didn’t seem to have any rolls on her stomach.
“Loins, LOINS.” Kate, also giggling so hard it almost hurt, shouted back at her.
“Kate, again! You’re using words from the last century!”
“Rubbish, I do not.”
“You absolutely do. Ironmongers!”
“Oh fair point, well, I don’t know how else to put it.”
“Try using modern day language. You’re confusing me.”
“I got horny.”
“Ahhhhhh, now I understand. You got horny, and the tingle was in your loins?”
“Yup.” Kate slurped the last bit of the cocktail out of the straw and started sucking on the sweet glacé cherry to access any alcohol that might’ve seeped into it. They were only on the first topic of their packed agenda, and they’d already gone through the entire pitcher. “Shall we order another? These are wonderful.”
Jamie nodded her head enthusiastically, still trying to understand the correlation between feeling horny and giving up Salsa. “I’ll go, but first, can you please just explain more?”
Looking out to sea Kate noticed Emily and Madison lying flat on their stomachs—partly in the sand and partly in the sea—kicking their legs in unison, engrossed in their own private catchup. “I got horny, but not towards David.” There, she’d said it. She waited to be struck down by a bolt of lightning, the evil hussy that she was.
“Ahhh.”
“Yup, ahhhh. Now, do you understand why I couldn’t go anymore?”
“Well … ummm, no. Not really. Who was it, the instructor?”
“No. It was one of the other students, it was horrible. I had to dance with him because David kept treading on my toes and oh my god, he was gorgeous, and something really strange happened.” Kate suddenly went bright red at the mere thought of Robert.
“Did you have an affair with him?” Blunt as ever, Jamie didn’t mince her words.
“NO. Oh my god, of course not.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I’m married.”
“Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re married, so you can’t have lustful thoughts towards anyone else?” Jamie started to laugh.
“This isn’t funny.” Kate’s head dropped, and her shoulders hunched up as the memories of her feelings towards Robert resurfaced.
“I’m sorry.” Jamie tried to pull herself together, but the effort of trying not to laugh was insurmountable. Rolling onto her side, Jamie peered quizzically into the eyes of her mad friend.
“So, Kate. Please explain to me why you felt the need to give up something you love because of a feeling that you had that you didn’t even act upon? I’m missing something here.”
“It just felt wrong, that’s all. And then there was the non-kiss.”
“Ahhhhhhh, now we’re getting there. You snogged him?”
“Well, not exactly. It was more a grazing of the lips.”
“I see. And because you didn’t sleep with him and because you didn’t kiss him, you feel that you should punish yourself by stopping Salsa? Makes perfect sense.” Jamie’s huge green eyes rolled around in the back of her head.
“I can’t explain it. It seems silly when I say it out loud, but you have to trust me, this man was dangerous, and I changed when I was with him. It was like I became someone else, and I didn’t like who I became.”
Kate suddenly felt forlorn, and it must have shown on her face because Jamie suddenly reached across the sunbeds and took hold of her hand. Softly speaking, her tone became more serious, “Listen to me hun, and listen carefully. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. So you had lustful thoughts, so what? Every man and woman walking the face of this earth has lustful thoughts. So what if you’re married? Does that mean you’re suddenly blind? Does that mean you no longer have the right to find anyone else attractive? You wouldn’t be human if that were the case. I mean, consider yourself unusual to have survived this long without feeling it before. God knows I have lustful thoughts every day—in fact several times a day. I can’t imagine I’d ever change just because I had a ring on my finger. Please, Kate, stop tormenting yourself over nothing.”
“So if I’ve done nothing wrong, why the bloody hell do I feel like shit?”
“Why do you feel like shit?” Jamie repeated the question back to Kate like a therapist.
“Because it wasn’t me. I love David. I’d never cheat on him. Never.”
“And you didn’t cheat on David. You didn’t even kiss this man, so you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. Look, it would be like me seeing an amazing pair of shoes in a shop window when I shouldn’t be buying shoes, knowing I couldn’t afford them. But imagine they’re just so gorgeous that I can’t resist walking into the shop; maybe even trying them on, but I still walk out empty handed. You know?”
Kate also rolled onto her side to face Jamie, grateful that she’d kept her coverup on and didn’t have to breathe in.
“How can you possibly compare my lustful thoughts towards a stranger with wanting to buy shoes you can’t afford?”
Jamie could see this analogy wasn’t working and tried to explain things in terms Kate might understand better.
“Okay, let me put it another way. Let’s imagine you’re on a diet and you walk past a bakery and see this amazingly decadent death by chocolate cake in the window. Are you imagining it?”
“I am, I am.” Kate returned to lying on her back and closed her eyes as she sank further into the sunbed. A wave of contentment washed over her at the mere thought of tasting something delicious. Eager to fully enjoy this imaginary game, she opened her eyes and winked at Jamie. “But better if I can imagine pizza? I prefer savoury.” Closing her eyes again, she resumed the exercise that was going to release her from her guilt. Maybe this was like hypnosis?
Jamie laughed. “Okay, pizza it is. So, this pizza is there. The cheese is oozing, the mushrooms are glistening, and perhaps it even has onions. Your mouth begins to water. You know you want it. It’s calling out to you, but you know you shouldn’t have it but that doesn’t stop you wishing you could, even just a little bite, does it? Do you see what I mean now? It’s just human nature. Throughout our lives, we’re going to be tempted by things we shouldn’t have, but it won’t stop us wanting them. All you had was a whiff.”
“A bloody big whiff, though.”
“Yes, but still only a whiff. You didn’t even take a bite.”
“No I didn’t. I suppose I see what you mean. I just don’t ever want to hurt David. I love David more than anything, but this man; this man was the king of all pizzas, you know, the sort with extra cheese. And I really, really, really felt like taking a huge bite and feeling that cheese oozing down my skin and dripping and …”
Jamie reached across the little umbrella table and play-slapped Kate. “Steady on hun. Just a little whiff, okay? Nothing more.”
Jamie knew her friend was an honourable person, and she equally knew she’d done nothing wrong, so there was absolutely no way she was going to sit back and let her shred herself to pieces over a mere fantasy. As Jamie smiled, Kate began to smile too, realising that she was possibly the only person that would consider a whiff of pizza as grounds for breaking a diet.
“You know what, Jamie? You’re so right. Honestly, I’ve really beaten myself up over this.” She paused as if she wanted to add something else, but didn’t know if she should. Jamie looked at Kate instinctively knowing there was something else she needed to share before she could put the matter to bed.
Staring back out to sea, Kate finally confessed, “I’ve been making love to David but thinking about Salsa Man.”
“Good Lord, Kate. That’s normal too. Honestly, sweetie. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“And …” Kate said, as Jamie covered her eyes with her hands in despair.
“No, no, Jamie. Please just let me tell you this last thing and then we can talk about you.”
“Darling, you can talk about it all you like. I’m not frustrated with you sharing. I’m frustrated that you’re always so hard on yourself. Get it all out,” she said encouragingly.
“So … the thing is. I’ve been having all these sexual thoughts about Salsa Man and sure the fantasy was about having sex with him, but …” She stopped, wondering whether she could really share this part of her guilt with Jamie.
“Proceed.” Jamie leaned in towards Kate.
“Well, the thing is … of course the main reason I gave up Salsa was because I’m married but also …”
“Yes, come on,” Jamie said gently, sensing that this was hard for Kate.
“I didn’t only not want sex with Salsa Man because I’m married. I didn’t want sex because I feel disgusted with my droopy tits and my tummy looks so bad after the kids. Not like yours at all,” she blurted out, enviously eyeing Jamie's taut, almost concave stomach.
“Oh, sweetie. You’re so beautiful. You know this is all in your head. You’ve got something special with David, I know that. But you should think about going to see Malcolm Barnes, the surgeon I mentioned. If it will make you feel beautiful and better about yourself, then you should do it for yourself. Maybe this whole incident was all about you realising this and giving yourself the confidence to make that appointment. We discussed it months ago. If you’re not having more kids, then this is the time. I’m telling you, you’ll feel like a whole new woman and forget all about this Salsa Man. In fact, you won’t need any man to give you validation because you’ll give it to yourself.”
Kate felt calmer than she’d felt for weeks. Jamie was right. She was going to at least have a consultation.
“Let’s call on Monday,” Jamie said decisively. “There’s no commitment. We’ll just make an appointment and I’ll come with you. Deal?”
“Okay, deal,” Kate said with conviction. Then feeling like she’d monopolised the whole conversation, she flipped it back to Jamie. “So, come on then, it’s your turn. Tell me first about Cameron. I want to know everything and please, spare no details.” As she smiled, mischievously.