THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR WOMAN
Kate awoke with a start. In slow motion, confusion melted away as reality dawned. In a panic, she groped around the bed with her left hand for the clicky thing, as if she had entered a dark room, unfamiliar with where the light switch was. Panic subsided when she realised it was still clutched firmly in her right hand, like a child’s comforter. Morphine. CLICK. CLICK. Ahhhhhh , immediate relief, and succumbing completely to the pleasure that her new friend Morphine Murphy gave her. She closed her eyes and wandered far away.
Suddenly, she found herself in Hyde Park, London, walking hand in hand in the sunshine. Her hand clutched in a strong grip, and a feeling of euphoria swept through her. She turned her face up towards her walking companion, and Robert smiled back at her. Robert? Salsa Man? Not David? Well, that was strange, but hey, what the hell, it wasn’t real; it was all in her lovely, pure world of imagination. Happy and laughing as if they were good friends that had known each other for years, Kate found herself grinning as she looked up at him; as if a halo of sunshine was glowing around his blonde hair. She wanted to be there, exactly there, in that very moment, with him and nobody else. Contentment washed over her, knowing this was exactly where and who she was meant to be.
Deciding to take a diversion through the subway, all of a sudden they were no longer platonic friends, but far from it. They were lovers. Robert forcefully grabbed Kate and literally threw her up against the wall. Not even bothering to look around, he pressed one hand against her shoulder to keep her still whilst the other foraged up her skirt and went directly to base camp. Yanking her panties to one side, Robert explored inside … Kate gasped, Oh my god . It was so intense, so wild, so carnal.
Momentarily distracted by a coughing sound, Kate glanced over to her side to see a tramp lying on the floor several metres away from them. Empty beer bottles littered the floor beside him; if he didn’t look so smashed to the point of unconsciousness, Kate might’ve felt embarrassed. But there was no embarrassment … not now … only passion–pure unadulterated passion. The danger of it all, notwithstanding the seediness of the situation, had Kate gasping for air. Robert helped … his fingers giving a whole new meaning to the word ‘internal.’
Next, they were in a NCP car park in Hull. But in Hull, it was no longer sunny. It was a bitter winter’s day and Kate was wearing a sexy, long, black leather coat lined with black faux fur. Kissing like a couple of sex-starved teenagers, Robert’s tongue wasn’t just French kissing, it was speaking goddamned Swahili. Releasing Kate from his vice-like grip, Robert spun her around to face away from him. Sweeping her coat out of the way, he wrapped his arms around her and dropped his pants. Yanking her in close, he pressed his groin against her and then, taking hold of her hair, pulled her head back towards him. Kate turned her eyes towards him, just as he began to thrust deep inside … she gasped again. Cars could be heard coming and going, just as he came and went inside her, over and over again.
Suddenly, she woke up. Where did he go? Shit. CLICK. Bring him back . CLICK. I want more. Need more. CLICK. CLICK. But this time, no Robert, just a picture of herself in a bikini. Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini. Kate dragged herself into consciousness. Oh my god. My breasts are huge. They look like two inflatable beach balls. In and out of delirium, Kate kept looking down at where her new tits were situated, which scarily enough were significantly nearer to her face than was comfortable. Paranoia ripped through her. What happened if they’d made a mistake and gave her a breast enlargement instead of a lift? What would happen if she was now the proud owner of a pair of 34H tits? CLICK. Well, that would be just lovely really, more for Robert to fondle and suck. As lovely warm thoughts set to consume her, Nurse Summer entered the room, interrupting Kate’s fantasy and announced the imminent removal of the various tubes from her body.
“G’day, Kate, how did you sleep last night?” Clearly, they were on a first name basis now.
“Quite good, thank you,” Kate said politely.
“Excellent news and just look where your breasts are now, and how flat your tummy is,” Summer said enthusiastically. Kate thought she must be having a laugh.
“I think my breasts look swollen and very high up,” Kate said equally politely, not wanting to point out that she couldn’t see her stomach as her now mountainous breasts were hindering the view. She wondered if it was just in her imagination that her chin was resting on her boobs.
“Nothing to worry about, they’re just swollen.” Summer confirmed Kate’s suspicions as she bustled around the room, still chatting. “This morning, we’re going to take out all those drips.”
CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. She couldn’t be serious? Kate looked at her imploringly.
“Not this one, not the morphine,” she all but shrieked. Now in a major panic … CLICK. CLICK. “I won't make a fuss about the others, but please let me keep the morphine one. I’m not ready,” Kate beseeched, regressing to the age of five, and with the desperation of a heroin addict being dragged into rehab holding onto the entrance door, she held firmly onto the clicky thing.
Summer smiled; no doubt Kate was not the first to make this request. “No worries, you can keep that for a while. We’ll take the other ones out first.”
“Oh and not the catheter either.” Kate didn’t want to push her luck, but the thought of having to leave the comfort of her bed and walk the ten steps to the toilet seemed more than daunting.
“Okay, we can do that one later as well.” Summer was so nice.
As Summer pulled out the tubes from each breast and then the stomach, there was a strange pulling sensation but no pain. Morphine. Kate loved Murphy the morphine. There was something extremely liberating about just lying in bed, with only her thoughts for company. She liked it. Her cogitations were vivid and varied, and they seemed to flow through her mind like an endless stream of mini epiphanies. She wished she had a notepad so that she could chronicle these pearls of wisdom; it was as if all of life’s mysteries were being answered at once, the truth of her very existence being revealed.
Minutes turned into an hour, then a new nurse popped her head around the door. She was sturdy and scary looking.
“Time for the catheter to come out now, Mrs Buchanan.”
Oh no. Where’s Summer?
“Summer said I could keep it in,” Kate whined.
“It really is best if it comes out now.”
“Okay, but can I keep this one?” Kate indicated towards the morphine drip.
Sturdy, scary nurse smiled. “Alright dear.” And then Kate loved, sturdy scary nurse as much as Summer. She’d simply not drink anything, nothing at all. If nothing went in, then it wouldn’t have to come out. The nurse pulled out the catheter tube and headed back out of the room, saying, “Let me know when you feel the urge to go to the toilet and I’ll help you get up. Don’t try to attempt it on your own.”
Duh. As if I’d try to climb Everest without a backup team. She just wouldn’t think about the toilet or water. But no sooner had the nurse gone, her head was suddenly overflowing with images of waterfalls, and her thirst was monumental. All Kate could think about were fountains, seas, rain, lakes and her bladder swelled until she feared she’d wet her bed, or worse still, explode. Quickly, she pressed the buzzer.
Summer popped her head around the door. Oh, great, Summer is back.
“I need to go to the toilet. I don’t want to get up. I can’t get up. Can you put the catheter back in?” she asked, hoping that Summer would be more likely to grant her request than sturdy, scary nurse.
“No worries, I’ll help you. It will be good to stretch your legs.”
Good for who?
Summer lowered the lower half of the bed so that Kate’s legs were almost straight. The bandages stretched to what felt like breaking point, and Kate felt like she was going to snap in two.
“Can I take Murphy with me?” Kate negotiated.
Summer looked momentarily confused until she saw Kate’s firm grasp on the morphine drip and laughed.
“Yes, of course. Murphy can come with you. The morphine has to come with you—you're attached.”
Summer grabbed hold of Kate’s arms as she supported her into an almost upright position, whilst Kate slowly eased her legs to the floor. Now perched at the end of the bed. Kate took a look at the toilet door. It seemed very far away, but with Summer’s assistance, Kate was able to hobble, no, shuffle, to the toilet. No longer a beautiful Egyptian princess but an old lady of ninety. Unable to stand upright, just hunched with age and riddled with arthritis, praying that she’d make it to the toilet in time.
* * *
Kate had her eyes closed when she heard the door creak open. Then David’s voice, “Just be gentle with Mummy.”
Small little butterfly wings landed on her face as Tali reached down to stroke Kate with her delicate little fingers. Without even opening her eyes, Kate knew her baby girl was there. As she prised open her eyes, she saw Tali held in David’s arms wriggling, trying to escape.
“How are you feeling?” David put Tali back down as he leaned over to kiss Kate’s forehead, lingering for a moment as he inhaled her.
“Good.” She didn’t want to voice her concerns, not in front of Tali, although she was desperate to share with David.
Now on the floor, no longer able to reach her mummy’s face, Tali started to stroke Kate’s arm. When she saw that her mother was awake, she beamed. “When you coming home, Mamá?”
Kate took hold of Tali’s hand and Tali copied her father and dropped her nose down to Kate’s hand, inhaling the scent of her mother.
Kate smiled reassuringly, stroking Tali’s beautiful long hair and feeling relieved that most of the tubes were now out and Tali didn’t have to see her like that.
Tali looked a little puzzled as she observed her mummy. “Where are da old boobies? The ones down there?” As she pointed to Kate’s lower abdomen.
Kate and David both snickered. Although Kate’s sniggers were muffled and accompanied by an ‘ouch.’
“When are you going back?” Kate looked up at David.
“Tonight.”
Kate felt glum. She knew David had to return to the island with the girls. They had school, and he had work, but it was going to be a tough recuperation without them. Sensing her apprehension, David was quick to pacify her. “Your parents are so excited about having you. Your mum’s been cooking.” Great, Mum’s going to make me fat. Feeding me and I won’t even be able to run away. All this pain and suffering will be for nothing. God help me.
“I know. It’s just going to be hard. Two whole weeks without you and the girls.”
“You’ll be fine.” David lent down to kiss her again. “It will be fine,” he said more sternly, hoping to reassure her.
“And, you won’t forget to feed the rabbits … and it’s best to prepare the school lunches except for the sandwiches the night before … and Tali only has egg mayonnaise, and Emily decides in the morning, and you need to get them into bed by eight and …” Kate rattled off in a panic, just as David interrupted her. He took her face in his hands and squeezed her cheeks together so she couldn’t speak.
“I’ve got this, Kate. If I forget, I’ll just refer to the twenty page, laminated instruction manual you left on the fridge. There’s nothing for you to worry about. We will survive without you. All you need to do is get better and come back to us soon.”
“Did you text Jamie?” Kate hoped he had.
“Yes, actually, she’s on her way now. I didn’t know if you’d be up for visitors, but we have to leave soon and she’s …” He stopped searching for the word.
Kate finished off his sentence. “Very strong-willed. I know.”
“Where’s Emily?” Kate realised Emily wasn’t with them.
“She’s with your mum. They’ll be here soon, as well,” said David.
“What are they doing?”
“I think she said she was going to take her for a haircut.”
“WHAT?” Kate was now fully alert as her morphine drip had been replaced with adrenaline. Kate had PTSD when it came to hair. She could only conclude from various family photos and a deep-rooted memory that was now fully triggered, that her mother had stuck a bowl on her head and cut around it. The young Kate had been severely traumatised, leading to a phobia of hairdressers in adulthood and one of the many reasons she now had hair as long as Rapunzel. Kate closed her eyes with misery.
“I had no choice,” David said in defence, “You know what your mum’s like.”
Kate remained silent. David continued as the gravity of the situation sunk in. “It might be my fault,” he said suddenly, concerned that Kate’s mum could walk through the door at any moment and fearful that Kate, regardless of her constrictions, just might muster the energy to raise a knife and stab her a hundred times. “I happened to mention that I was concerned about doing the girls’ hair in the morning, and Emily overheard me and she asked your mum.”
Kate was still silent.
Suddenly the door burst open and Emily gushed in. “I’ve had a lovely haircut.”
Barbara, Kate’s mum, followed behind.
Kate looked at Emily, a wave of pure horror taking over at the decimation of her daughter’s hair. Whilst she didn’t look like a monk, her long, beautiful locks had been chopped. David looked at Kate, then at Barbara, who seemed oblivious to Kate’s irritation.
“It’s spikey.” Emily was now touching her hair with her hands, showing off the new style, totally oblivious to the rage now enveloping her mother.
Kate’s eyes suddenly grew wide, and David was fearful she was about to turn into a monster at any moment. “It looks lovely darling, doesn’t it, Kate?” David stared with intent at his wife, hoping to diffuse the situation before Barbara ended up in bandages too.
Barbara approached the bed and bent down to kiss her daughter, much to David’s horror, but thankful that Kate was in pain and unlikely to lash out. “I brought you some chicken soup and gave it to the nurses to heat up for lunch. Everything is ready for you at home. David said it was hard for you to lay down straight, so I got your father to bring in one of the reclining garden chairs and—”
“Thanks Mum,” Kate interrupted, still wanting to throttle her but was thankfully too overwhelmed with tiredness, “I just need to close my eyes for a bit.”
“Don’t worry, David. We’ll look after her. Sam and I are excited to have her with us. Two weeks will go by in a flash.” Barbara turned her attention to David.
“Thanks, Barbara. We really appreciate it. I feel bad leaving her with you,” David said, hoping this wasn’t a terrible idea.
“Ah, don’t be silly. We are eternally grateful to you for taking her off our hands in the first place,” Barbara said with amusement. Kate winced at the memory. She remembered telling her mother that she’d met the man she was going to marry after her first date with David. Barbara had rejoiced, dancing around the kitchen, singing, “Hallelujah, praise the Lord.”
Their voices became muffled, and Kate drifted back to the pleasant state of unconsciousness. The next thing she heard was Emily call out, “Jamie!” She opened one eye, and saw that Jamie had breezed in. Her mother and Tali were no longer there, just Emily and David.
“Really pleased to meet you,” David said to Jamie, “I’ve heard so much about you. I hear you’ve introduced my wife to vodka and you’re going to start working with Nigel soon?”
“Yes, I’ve already started, but I’ll be heading back to the island by Christmas—and FYI your wife needed very little encouragement,” Jamie said with a wink.
David chuckled, “Well, I know Kate can’t wait to have you back,” then David turned to Kate. “We’ve got to go now, darling. I’ll let you have some time with Jamie.”
Before she knew it, David and the girls had disappeared, and Jamie was dragging a chair so she could sit closer to Kate. “You look like a beautiful Egyptian princess.”
“Thank you.” Kate smiled. Jamie got her so completely.
“Are you in pain?”
“No, not really. The morphine is great. Can we find it on the black market in Mallorca?” Kate wanted to laugh at her own joke, but it was just impossible, so Jamie threw her head back and laughed for the both of them.
“Do you remember anything about going down?” Jamie continued her interrogation.
“To be honest, everything is just one big blur, other than …” Kate stopped. She wanted to tell Jamie about the strange fantasies she’d been having about Robert.
“What?” Jamie was now curious.
“I’ve been fantasising.”
“Oooh. Tell me more.” Jamie leaned in.
“About Salsa Man.”
“Who?”
“You know, Salsa Man. The one who gave me the tingle.”
“Ahh yes, the tingle.”
“Yes. Jeez Jamie, it’s not like I get the tingle every day.”
Jamie just nodded, waiting for Kate to explain.
“It’s not that I regret not going back to the class, but at the same time, if I’m honest, it was amazing to experience the way he made me feel. So sexy, so desirable and, dare I say it, so totally and unequivocally alive. Chances are I’ll never bump into him again, although it does worry me that Mallorca is such a small island. Can you imagine the embarrassment?” Kate’s face flushed red at the thought of bumping into him, especially now that she’d spent so many hours indulging in explicit fantasies.
“Don’t be silly. Fantasies are harmless and you are not likely to bump into him. Stop fretting.”
Jamie was right. The chances of her bumping into him were minimal.
“And how’s Nigel’s research going?”
“Oh, wow. I love it. I’ve got a few more modelling jobs, and then I’m done, and big news”—she paused for dramatic effect—“my mother isn’t coming back to the island.”
“Aw, you're going to be all grown up then and look after your own daughter like the rest of us,” Kate said, safe in the knowledge that Jamie couldn’t hit her.
“I do feel a little anxious about it.”
“It will be fine and you’ve always got me.” Kate realised that this was a big transition for Jamie, and joking about it probably wasn’t a great idea.
“Yeah, my mum’s going to go back to Italy to be with her sister, who’s living just outside of Venice now, and honestly whilst I hit full-scale panic mode when she first told me … she’s right. I needed her to look after Madison when I was modelling, but Nigel is so amazing and I can work around school times. It’s perfect.”
“You’ll be fine,” Kate said. She felt like she was drifting out of her body and the energy to talk became more challenging, but she was enjoying being with Jamie and tried to rally on. “And Karl, what happened with that?” she mumbled. It was so hard to talk.
“You look tired, princess.” Jamie avoided Kate’s change of topic. “You get some rest. We can text or chat later.”
“Thank you for coming,” Kate managed to squawk out, aware that Jamie was leaning down to kiss her forehead in much the same way as her family had. Jamie felt like family now and a warm fuzzy feeling of being loved consumed Kate as if she were being coddled in velvet.
It felt strange to just be lying there. She felt guilty that her to-do list was being neglected, but by not being able to do anything, she entered into a new blissful, alternative reality. One where she didn’t have to be responsible. She realised how much she carried for others and how exhausted she had become. Why had it taken surgery to reach this epiphany and how could she integrate this knowledge into her everyday existence? She couldn’t keep having surgeries every time she needed a break. God, she was tired. So very, very tired. Blackness.