THE BLACK HOLE
I know I’m in here somewhere. In this deep, dark, bottomless well. If I just try, look a little harder, a little closer, will I find myself again? Will I find a way out?
Kate sat in her car, staring at the steering wheel. Not that her brain was working. It felt like she was in shock. It’s so dark, it’s so cold and I’m so alone.
Kate leaned over the steering wheel and peered through the windscreen. She looked up at the sky. Not a cloud marred the vast, infinite blue, but Kate couldn’t see it. She couldn’t focus. She was barely aware of where she was. Just a glimmer will do, just a small speck of light to let me know that there is a way out, that there is hope of escape . Yet there was nothing, just blackness, as if she’d had acid poured into her eyes and was no longer able to see. How will I ever be able to escape? The wound felt so great. She tried to breathe, but her breath was shallow and each time she tried to inhale, it felt like her guts were being ripped in two. What happens now? Tears began to fall from her eyes, at first slowly, and then suddenly they poured out of her and she howled. Her whole body shuddered as if she’d been zapped with five hundred volts of electricity. She couldn’t process what had happened, and the howling continued. Great, loud, dying animal sounds of pain, the wailing of lost souls in the underworld. She banged her head repeatedly against the steering wheel.
She was not alone there in the black hole. A feeling she had never experienced to this intensity before sat with her, pulling her down and blocking the light and her way out. SHAME . Dignity and Integrity, who once were her friends, now departed. They no longer existed. SHAME. And SHAME mocks me, taunts me, teases me. SHAME covers every part of my body and I won’t be able to sleep and I won’t be able to eat. Kate kept trying to focus. She needed to get out of the Port. Someone might see her and she couldn’t face that. She needed to go somewhere quiet, somewhere she could be alone until she figured this out. Keep looking up , Kate opened her eyes wide and focused on an aeroplane that was making its way across the sky. Take me with you . But the seconds dragged on and the pain was excruciating.
The constant barrage of thoughts kept swirling round Kate’s mind. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been such a huge fucking idiot?
Eventually, her howls stopped. She continued to sniffle, and the tears kept falling like water from a burst pipe. Kate returned her gaze back to the steering wheel. She had very little recollection of what had happened after her ‘experience.’ They’d hardly spoken, and she’d practically stumbled away from him, without leaving her number—not that he’d asked—and there certainly was no talk of a second rendezvous. Thank god he was leaving the island; she’d never have to see him again. Her mind was one hazy blur where confusion reigned. She couldn’t go home now. She couldn’t. Instead, she decided to drive down to a secluded little cove, a favourite spot she’d sometimes take refuge on days when she wanted to get away from the world. It was beautiful. And it felt safe. Safer than anywhere else at that moment.
* * *
She arrived at the car park, situated conveniently right in front of the small beach that she knew would be empty at this time of the year. She eased herself out of the car and made her way to the bar at Cala Comtessa. Beyond the bar, the sea beckoned her, luring her in, its deep blue waters calling out her name. Perhaps she should just forget about the bar and walk straight into its inviting watery abyss, to be swallowed whole for the lying, evil, wicked woman that she was. At least then she wouldn’t have to live this day or any other day. An adulteress for eternity.
Thinking about her girls, Kate wiped the dark thoughts from her mind and settled for taking a seat at the little beach shack instead, at least for now. Sheepishly, looking around, Kate noticed that despite its split-level layout, she was the only one there so far, except for the sun-weathered older woman who appeared to be in charge that morning. If it weren't for her unspeakable act, it would have been a truly glorious winter’s day. Blue skies dominated above, the sea reflecting turquoise and calm, belying the turmoil that lay beneath and the weather warm enough not to need a jacket.
Taking a seat on one of the cheap white plastic seats on the lower level, Kate rested her arms on the equally cheap white plastic table. None of them seemed to have tablecloths, likely they were just wiped down with an old rag, if they were lucky, between customers. The thoughts came rushing back, infiltrating Kate’s entire being. She momentarily recalled Lady Macbeth’s soliloquy, ‘Out, damned spot,’ feeling the same burden of guilt, wishing she could wipe her whole self-clean somehow. She needed to come clean … to someone. But who? Jamie.
Jamie was probably the only person in the whole wide world who wouldn’t judge her. Given her liberal views on sex, she probably wouldn’t even think it a big deal. Yes, she needed Jamie. She desperately needed Jamie right now. But what would Jamie do? She’d probably tell her to have a drink and calm down. Vodka. Kate glanced at her phone. It was only eleven fifty-five in the morning. Oh fuck it, she needed to escape, she needed to pass out. She needed to get away from this terrible, gut-wrenching pain that enveloped her.
* * *
(Ten Minutes And Two Vodka Tonics Later)
Impossible as it seemed, the vodka made Kate feel worse, as her mind kept replaying the whole Robert experience. She kept seeing him, his firm, tight body descending onto hers. She tried to shake the image from her head, but she couldn’t help cringing with the embarrassment that she’d laid herself so open to him. She knew that she had to talk this through and even if Jamie didn’t totally understand, at least she wouldn’t be judgemental. Plus, Jamie knew her well enough to realise how completely devastating this situation was. Taking out her phone from her bum bag, she typed with shaking fingers.
Kate: huge emwrgency
need you now
Typing was proving difficult, even autocorrect couldn’t help her. Hopefully it would be legible enough for Jamie to get the gist. Then the waiting. Please be there, Jamie, please, please, please be there. I need you. And then, just moments later she saw those amazing three dots she needed, and then … ‘Beep Beep.’
Jamie: What’s up? What
happened? You okay?
The girls??
Kate: no, nottook …
fucked uo … need you
come.. Awap
Jamie: Fuck okay. Where
are you?
Kate: Cala comteeessssa.
the bar … vodjaa
Jamie: You mean the little
cove next to Illetas beach?
Kate: yess.. Pls comme
now. Pls Jamiee
Jamie: I’m just at Nigels. I’ll
be about half an hour. Don’t
go ANYWHERE!! X
Staring into the bottom of her plastic cup, now drained of any liquid, Kate’s mind began to swirl even faster. An old gentleman appeared to have sat on one of the tables across the opposite side of the shack; she hadn’t even noticed him arrive. A gentle breeze blew, bringing with it the fresh smell of pine from the surrounding trees, threatening to take the cup with it. Despite being two vodkas down, Kate managed to grab the cup before it flew off the table. Wish it could whisk me away too. I can’t go home. How can I ever face David again? He’d be on-site today, oblivious that she had turned their world upside down. Would he sense that she’d violated everything that they both held so dear? The sanctity of their marriage had crumbled in one stupid, careless moment and no matter how much Kate turned it over in her head, she couldn’t see a way out of the black hole that she had stupidly climbed into.
Glancing out from the little beach bar, Kate was taken aback by the view. It was truly breathtaking. Cradled by trees, which provided necessary shade, especially in the summer months, the little sandy cove was now home to a couple of toddlers playing by the shoreline; a woman several steps behind them, no doubt their mother, was watching. Oh, what have I done? My girls. She lived in frickin’ paradise with a sweet, adorable husband and two gorgeous little girls. What was she thinking? She didn’t want to think. Glancing over at the older woman, she yelled out, “Uno más, por favor.” Not even bothering to stand up. The woman’s wrinkled face cracked further with a smile, as if in acknowledgement of her predicament, and came over as quickly as she could with a refill, and kind, soulful eyes. “Gracias,” Kate managed to mouth out.
Knocking back her third vodka tonic, Kate waited for oblivion. It didn’t come. How was she going to live the rest of her life? She’d have to tell David. She’d have to pray that he would show her mercy because the guilt was all-consuming and she just couldn’t spend the rest of her life living this terrible lie. But if she told him, he’d never understand. How could he? Why should he? She didn’t even understand it. If she told him, then he would be in pain and that would make it ten times worse. He would leave her; because once that trust was broken, he would never ever trust her again or forgive her. He was such a proud man and this would destroy him. It would destroy her. It would destroy the children. Oh, how could she have been so stupid?
“Kate.” A familiar voice interrupted her tortuous thoughts. “Kate, Kate are you okay?”
It was Jamie, rushing towards her, like a mirage in the desert. Kate wasn’t sure it was entirely real. Taking a seat next to her, Jamie reached across to take her hands. “Kate, I got here as soon as I could. Thankfully Nigel is away, so I just finished off what I was doing and came straight here. Tell me, what happened? You look dreadful.”
Jamie didn’t understand what it was like to love someone in the way that Kate loved David. But if Kate did love David, then how could she have done what she did? Was her marriage a lie? NO. NO. NO. She did love David; he was her everything. But then why had she managed to be with Robert in a way that she’d never been able to be with David? How could a stranger make her tremble and shake and quiver and yet David, whom she loved with all her heart, could not? What was she going to say to Jamie now?
“Done something terrible.” Kate’s words were slurred but understandable enough. Jamie had enough experience speaking to drunken friends to understand the dialect.
“Terrible? Like what?” Jamie was now looking Kate square in her eyes. She may as well have been looking into her dark, dirty soul.
“Jamie, I don't know what to do.” Kate covered her face with her hands and her body started to heave again.
“Just try telling me what happened first.” Jamie stroked Kate’s back.
“So hard. So very very hard. Have fucked up. Not just a little iddy biddy fuck up, but a great big huge fuck up.”
“Okay, I can’t imagine what you may have done that’s so bad, but I’m here hun, just tell me and maybe I can help.” Jamie paused. “You don’t need me to hide a body for you, do you?” Her big green eyes suddenly opened wider, hoping that was not the emergency.
“Had a multiple orgasm,” Kate suddenly blurted out.
“Oh my god Kate, what the fuck? How is that fucking up? Halle-frickin’-lujah more like.”
“Not with David.”
“Fuck.”
“Yes. I don’t understand what happened. All seems so surreal. Also have to tell you that am pissed now. Trying to drown out the misery with alcohol.”
“Yes, I can see that, but let’s not panic. Just talk me through it slowly.” Jamie was next to her, and Kate noticed that she had now taken the plastic cup and sneaked a little sip.
“I bumped into Salsa Man when I was doing my morning run earlier. Do you remember I told you about the guy who gave me the tingle? Oh my god, what have I done?”
“Shit. You had sex with Salsa Man? When? Where? How?” Jamie’s face had now taken on a very different expression. Every muscle seemed to have been animated into action.
“I don’t understand what happened. I was running along the sea wall and he had his boat moored in the port where I've started to run. I've cheated on David. I've been unfaithful. I've been an adulteress lying whore. I’m a—”
“Steady on. Just calm down for a minute.” Jamie interrupted.
Kate did not calm down. “I hate myself. Don't know what to do. Can't breathe. I need another drink.” Kate looked around for the older woman and started signalling a drinking motion with her hands. Jamie looked at the woman and gave a stern shake of her head and wiggle of the finger.
“Look at me. I want you to take a really deep breath.” Jamie filled her nostrils as if to demonstrate deep breathing. Kate copied. “That’s it. Now hold … and now I want you to exhale … slowly.”
“Woooooooooo,” Kate exhaled. It sounded more like she was in childbirth.
“Good. good. Let’s do two more. I’ll do it with you.”
As the girls paused for breath, another couple joined the bar. They were younger, and judging by their clothing, were likely still out from the night before.
“Okay, so first things first. Does anyone know?” Jamie wanted to take control, as Kate was clearly incapable.
“No, it just happened NOW. I have to tell David. I can't carry this around on my own. I can't live the rest of my life with this.”
“Stop it right there. First of all, you cannot tell David, not ever. Do you hear me?” Jamie had now taken hold of both of Kate’s shoulders, which was a good thing as she was struggling to sit upright.
“No, have to. Can’t live lie the rest of life. Will kill me.”
“No, you don’t and it won’t. Trust me. Now I need to know something. Have you arranged to meet this man again? I'm taking that it was a one-off, a weak moment, right?”
“Weak moment? Fucking hell. Is that what you call it? Didn't feel like a weak moment. Felt like the most powerful moment of my life. Hate myself so much but it was incredible.”
“Okay, not a weak moment then, but certainly not a normal Kate Buchanan moment. You have never done anything like this before. Stop panicking for a second and just let me figure this out. So no one knows, right?”
“No one knows. Can only trust you.”
“Does he have your number or know where you live or anything like that?”
“No, and he’s leaving Mallorca today. Gone now and unlikely to return. Will never see him again. But what am I going to do? I’ve just cheated on David. I love David so much.” The tears that had momentarily stopped, welled up again. “I just don’t know how this happened. One minute I’m running, feeling alive, happy and content for the first time in ages, and the next minute he comes scrambling over the rocks and it was like I wasn’t there anymore.”
“Look, what happened, happened. Please don't torment yourself over the one, the only indiscretion of your whole life. You are not having an affair. It was not planned. It just happened. Okay?”
Snot ran down Kate’s nose and in the absence of a tissue, she wiped it on her top. “He asked if I wanted to see his boat. I didn't, but this other person who seemed to take over my body took control, and I ended up on his boat and having the most incredible sex of my life. I never knew it could be like that.”
“That’s it.” Jamie’s face lit up as if she’d had a eureka moment. “Perhaps this needed to happen Kate, perhaps you needed to experience this? To learn how amazing sex can be, to know that you yourself are capable of those feelings.”
“Why would I need to experience this? I was happy before and now I'm miserable. It’s like tasting pizza for the first time. How am I supposed to live without it now? How am I supposed to live with myself?” Kate buried her face in her hands again. “Where’s the vodka? I need that vodka!”
Jamie reached across to take Kate’s hands and looked at her softly. “Look hun. This was one moment of your whole life and something happened that you didn’t plan and didn’t expect, but somewhere in that moment, you found something you’d been looking for. You found you. You found a part of you that you’d hidden for so so long. Perhaps this had to happen, to enable you to experience something so mind-blowing as to reawaken a part of you that you’ve suppressed for all these years. I am not going to let you torment yourself over this, and I’m not going to let you have another vodka either. This is what we’re going to do.” Jamie was in the driving seat now.
Kate looked at her, her eyes begging for a solution, relieved to not be going through this torment alone. “Give me your phone. I’m going to text David as if I’m you and tell him that you’re coming to help me unpack some last remaining boxes even though you and I both know there are none haha, and then ask him to pick the girls up. Then I’m going to take you back to mine, make you a herbal tea, and you’re going to sleep it off. And when you’re sober, I’ll drive you back to your car and you can go home. Okay?”
Kate looked back at Jamie, like a little girl who had been told what to do, and was happy to know she was being looked after by someone who cared. “Okay. I’m just pleased he’s gone.”
“Me too hun, me too.”
“So to be clear, because I don’t feel very clear. Are you saying that I should just forget it?” The little Kate within her looked lost.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“So I shouldn’t tell David?”
“No, you should never tell David or anyone else. What for? You’re not having an affair, for Christ’s sake. My lips are sealed for an eternity. My advice to you is to do the same.”
“Jamie, I know you’d never betray me.” Still, Kate looked imploringly up at her friend, just needing that little extra splash of reassurance.
“I would never betray you, Kate, never.”
“But … what about the multiple orgasms? I was happy in my life not experiencing multiple orgasms … I think? But then what worries me is that I didn't seem to have any control. It was like some huge out-of-body experience. I think I am schizophrenic.”
“You’re not schizophrenic, Kate. You’ve just been reborn into a more sexual being. Maybe you needed to let yourself go in order to feel it? Maybe, for whatever reason, you’ve never allowed yourself to let go with David. Perhaps all this time your mind has been closed to it. Maybe now you know you can, you’ll start to share that passion with David? Perhaps something good will come out of this?”
“Perhaps. When will the sadness go?”
“The sadness will go in time, but you are a good, honest woman and you don't deserve to feel sad, not even for a moment. You’re in control of when you’ll get over it. Just tell yourself that it wasn’t Kate Buchanan, ‘wife.’ That it needed to happen and then carry on as normal. Why don’t we get out of here and go back to mine now? Start putting all of this behind you.”
Kate leaned in and hugged Jamie. “Thank you. Truly. For everything. And I’m so sorry to put this on you. I can’t even tell you how terrible I feel—”
Jamie cut her off. “I’ll always be here for you, Kate. But there’s nothing to be sorry about. It never happened.”
Kate wiped the tears from her eyes. “It never happened.”