CHAPTER 46
Jess drove back to Dublin on Saturday and arrived at her parents’ house at midday.
She’d left Emily’s party straight after the phone call, refusing Adam’s offer of a lift the following day.
Instead, she’d packed an overnight bag, grabbed a few hours’ sleep at Ivy Cottage and left early on Saturday morning. Now she was exhausted.
Her mother’s eyes were red and swollen as she answered the door and pulled her in for a hug. “Oh, Jess!”
“Mam!” The previous night Jess had been too numb to cry. And this morning she’d forced herself to focus on just getting home. But as she hugged her mother tight, waves of sadness and exhaustion rolled through her and she let the tears fall. “What happened? Was it a heart attack?”
“Come down to the kitchen, love.” Carmel briskly rubbed Jess’s back as she pulled away, not quite meeting her eyes.
In the kitchen, her dad was pouring strong tea into big, mismatched mugs. He turned when he heard them and pulled Jess in for another hug.
“I’m so sorry, Dad.” Jess’s voice was muffled against his chest.
Tom patted her awkwardly. “I know, Jessie, we all are. But she wouldn’t have wanted to linger, and none of us wanted her to suffer.”
Jess pulled away. “What do you mean, linger?”
He and Carmel exchanged a glance. “Sit down, Jess.”
She crumpled into a chair and Tom put a mug of tea and a plate of biscuits in front of her and sat down. “Your nana had pancreatic cancer, Jess,” he said gently. “She found out a few weeks ago when she went to the doctor about something else.”
Jess stared at him for a moment and then looked over at her mother, who’d taken a seat beside her.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice wobbled.
“That’s why she was in hospital, wasn’t it?
You’ve all known for weeks but you didn’t let me say goodbye.
” A wave of grief surged through her and she started to cry again.
“You should have told me, I would have come up to see her and say goodbye.”
“Shhh, Jess.” Carmel reached out to take her hands, but Jess snatched them away.
“Jessie, please.” Her dad gave her a reproachful look. “We wanted to tell you, but Nana asked us not to. She didn’t want you to see her sick or be upset or worried about her. She went back into hospital for a week and she just slipped away peacefully.”
“I didn’t know!” Jess began to cry harder and she searched uselessly in her pockets for a tissue.
Carmel stood to get a box of tissues from the top of the fridge and slid them across the table.
Jess grabbed some and started to blot her face.
Neither of her parents said anything for the next few minutes.
Eventually, she stopped crying and took a deep breath.
“I should have rung her more often.” Fresh tears stung her eyes and she pulled another tissue from the box.
“I rang her a couple of times, Mam. I sort of thought she wasn’t herself but I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t tell her how special she was or how much she meant to me. And now it’s too late – she’s gone.”
Tom pulled something out from behind the toaster and gave it to Jess – an envelope with her name on it, written in Moira’s distinctive, loopy handwriting.
“Your nana knew how much she meant to you, Jess. She wrote you and Zoe a letter each. It’s how she wanted to say goodbye.”
Jess sat for a long while at the table, listening as her dad outlined Moira’s final wishes. Finally, she went up to the sitting room to read the letter.
Tom, his older brother, Seamus, Jess, Zoe, Carmel and Finn all carried Moira’s coffin up the aisle of the tiny Wicklow church on Monday morning.
As Jess slipped into the front pew beside her parents she was vaguely aware of the low hum of voices in the packed church.
She smoothed her hands shakily over the black dress she’d found in the back of her wardrobe.
With its short, matching jacket, it was a bit dated, but she didn’t care.
Beside her, Zoe slipped her hand into hers, and Jess shot her a grateful look.
She’d been slightly surprised that Finn had come back for the funeral, but Zoe said that he’d been extremely fond of Moira – and grateful to her for letting him stay with her for a while the previous year when he’d found himself homeless.
As the Mass began, Jess tried to focus on the service. Instead, her thoughts flitted back to the letter Moira had written. It had been short – a single page – but it had been enough. Its final line was seared in her mind. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, Jessie. Live it bravely.
Her eyes filled again as she thought about it. Zoe had taken her own letter wordlessly from her father and gone straight up to her room. Jess hadn’t asked her about it, nor had Zoe asked about hers.
She pulled herself back to the present as her dad walked up to the altar and did a reading, his voice unsteady. Jess knew he was also giving the eulogy and that he’d be twice as nervous for that.
She wondered what he’d say. Moira had adored her family.
But she’d also had a huge circle of friends, a busy social life, and a wicked sense of humour.
It suddenly struck Jess that she’d chosen to celebrate her birthday early because she knew she wouldn’t live to see August. It had been a celebration – and a goodbye.
Jess drew a ragged breath and folded her arms tightly around her, as if she could physically squeeze the pain out of her body.
After the service, Jess and her family stood outside the church, a cool breeze whipping around the grey stone building as they greeted mourners.
When was the last time she’d been in a church?
Christmas, she supposed. And the time before that had been her almost-wedding.
She wasn’t really a church person – maybe she should go a bit more …
“Jess? Jess?”
She blinked, wondering if she’d thought Simon into existence. But he was here, standing in front of her. Of course he’d be here, she thought, with a rush of gratitude. Simon would always do the right thing.
“Simon, thank you for coming.”
He drew her in for a brief hug. “Of course I’d come.” He pulled away but held her arms. “How are you?”
She managed a nod. “I’m okay. How are you and Kate?”
“Good form.” He hesitated. “Did Kate … uh, I just wondered if you’d seen her yet? She’s around somewhere. Excuse me while I pay my respects to your dad. Take care, let me know if I can do anything?”
He disappeared before Jess could say anything more, and for the next while she was distracted by family and friends who shook her hand and hugged her tightly, before commiserating and sharing their memories of Moira.
Just as she was starting to feel that she couldn’t face any more people, she looked up to see Adam approach.
“Adam.” She thought he might hug her but he simply took her hand instead. Jess found herself glancing around for his girlfriend, but there was no sign of her. Not that she blamed her. Who went to the funeral of their boyfriend’s ex’s grandmother?
“I’m so sorry, Jess.” Adam gave her a long look. “I only met Moira a few times, but she was great. You remind me of her.”
Jess swallowed hard. She couldn’t risk him hugging her or comforting her in front of everyone. She might break down in his arms and never want to let go.
“About what happened at Emily’s party,” Adam began, but Jess shook her head. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “And you’re right, it’s not the time.”
A silent communication passed between them.
“There’s still a lot of people who’ll want to talk to you. But I’m here for you, Jess.”
“Right.” She took a deep breath. “Thanks again.”
Adam looked like he was about to say something else but at that moment she spotted Kate. She caught her eye and waved to her. “Excuse me, please.”
“Sure.” He slid his thumb gently across the back of her hand before releasing her, and she watched until he disappeared into the crowd.
Kate came over and threw her arms around her. “I’m so sorry I’m only getting to you now. I’ve seen the rest of your family and one of your aunts kept me chatting for ages, I couldn’t get away.”
“Maggie?”
“That was her.” She pulled back slightly but held Jess’s hands. “How are you holding up?”
Jess shook her head. “I’m going to miss her so much, Kate. She was amazing, you know?”
“I know.” Kate hesitated. “Adam just asked me to let him know if there was anything you needed.”
“I’ll be fine, I don’t need his help.”
Kate gave her a sympathetic look but Jess found a point beyond her and focussed on it. “He’s been down in Linford for the last couple of weeks with his new girlfriend.”
“Oh.” Kate sighed. “Sorry.”
“I saw Simon a few minutes ago,” Jess said, deliberately changing the subject. “Is everything alright? He looked like he was about to tell me something.”
There was the tiniest pause. “Really?”
It was the day of her nana’s funeral – she should just let it go. But if there was something wrong she couldn’t just ignore it. A sudden, awful thought occurred.
“Is it about the wedding? Has úna said she doesn’t want me there?”
“What?” Kate looked shocked. “No, of course not, Jess. She wouldn’t do that. Look, it’s nothing – we’ll chat again. Oh, there’s Zoe, I should go say hello.”
“Sure.”
Jess stood for a few moments by herself, then, checking that there was nobody else heading in her direction, she walked around to the side of the church, grateful for a few moments alone.
Automatically, she took her phone out of a small black handbag, and turned it on to check her messages, frowning when she saw the number of notifications she had.
She should ignore them. Whatever was happening down in Linford would wait. All that mattered right now was being with her family, remembering Moira. She started to put her phone away.
“… feeling any better? Maybe we shouldn’t go to the cemetery, Kate.”
Simon’s voice echoed around her and Jess realised he was on the far side of the half wall where she’d hidden herself. She pressed her back tighter against the stone wall, its coldness grounding her.
“… just glad the loo was open,” Kate was saying. “Give me a minute, I’ll be fine.”
She shouldn’t be listening to this. She looked down at the gravel under her feet. If she moved now, she’d give herself away.
“You didn’t tell her, did you?” Simon said.
Jess found herself holding her breath.
Kate said something that Jess couldn’t really hear. Then there was the crunch of gravel as they started to walk away. At the last moment, Jess caught Simon’s voice. “… you’ll be showing soon enough.”
Jess froze. Kate was pregnant! And they hadn’t wanted to tell her. Especially today, at her nana’s funeral. She knew they really wanted a family together and, under any other circumstances, she’d be happy for them. Only right now, she wished she didn’t know.
Her phone buzzed again and she listened for voices on the other side of the wall, but Kate and Simon seemed to have gone.
Maybe she needed a distraction – any distraction.
Taking a slow breath, she checked her notifications.
Afric Brooks and An Irish Inheritance were both trending.
‘Afric Brooks disappears in the middle of her latest movie in Ireland.’ Nope, that had to be wrong – they’d only gone out to Achill for a couple of days’ filming.
It was some stupid gossip site making a story out of nothing.
She skimmed down to the next headline. ‘Pregnant Afric Brooks fails to return to Linford Castle during filming of An Irish Inheritance.’ Jess forced herself to stay calm as she searched for an Irish news site she trusted.
Here it was. ‘Linford Curse strikes again: Hollywood star Afric Brooks disappears.’
“Crap,” she whispered. “Double crap.” She rested her head against the wall and closed her eyes, trying to ground herself. There was nothing she could do today, and nobody in the group would expect her to. She’d worry about it tomorrow.
She heard someone approach and stuffed her phone back into her bag, relieved when her mother appeared.
“Are you okay, love?” Carmel looked worried.
“Yeah, sorry.” Jess managed a small smile. “I just needed a minute.”
“The hearse is leaving now.” She handed Jess a small packet of tissues.
“Thanks, Mam.” Jess took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”