Chapter Eighteen
Eighteen
When I passed into the living room a few hours later, I’d hoped to find the girls as I did most days, perched side by side with bowls of cereal on their laps as they watched TV.
Mia would tease me about Alex, Kitty would spout off a random Chinese military proverb, and no one would have to say anything about last night.
But the living room was quiet. The TV flickered in the early-morning light.
I glanced at Mia and Kitty, who’d buried themselves deep beneath the blankets, either asleep or pretending to be.
I wanted to shake them awake and tell them I was sorry.
But maybe it would be better to wait. Things might even resolve themselves, like my argument with Mia after the dinner party.
By the time I returned home from work today, everything would be back to normal.
I was eating cereal in the kitchen when my phone buzzed with a text from Alex. I know this goes against the whole distance thing, but do you want a ride to work?
Yes, I replied. Because one, I didn’t want to fall asleep at the wheel, and two, even though our romantic relationship couldn’t go anywhere, that didn’t mean we couldn’t resume being carpool buddies.
I showered and dressed as quietly as I could, and when Alex’s van appeared outside, I paused by my desk and took a sheet of paper from the drawer.
I didn’t need to leave a note to tell the girls when I’d be home.
They knew the rhythm of my days. But it felt wrong to leave without saying something, so I wrote, Be home at 6, order food with my card.
“Rough night?” Alex asked, handing me a coffee when I shut the passenger door behind me.
“Ha.” I stifled a yawn. “That was . . . not great.”
“You mean you didn’t enjoy listening to my daughter tell me what a horrible father I am?”
“I think Greyson was saying the opposite of that, actually.”
Alex nodded, staring out at the road ahead. “Mia and Kitty okay?”
I squeezed the coffee in my hands. “I wish I knew. They’re still asleep.”
He set his hand palm up on the center console. I saw the gesture for the invitation it was and placed my hand in his. He’s leaving, I thought. But carpool buddies could hold hands, right? Surely a little hand-holding wouldn’t put me in danger of heartbreak and van sex.
“Should I put on the Pissed-Off Bad Bitch playlist?” Alex asked.
“Nina?”
“How’d you know?” he said, shooting me a smile.
“I think it’s her most listened-to playlist during charter season.”
Alex rolled down the windows and played the music as loud as we could stand. We shouted along to the lyrics, and by the time we pulled into the marina, I was feeling a little better about everything that had happened.
Once he’d parked, Alex turned in his seat to face me. “I’m going to miss you when we go,” he said.
I looked down at my hand in his. “Don’t start saying goodbye yet.”
“Hey,” Alex said. I glanced up at him, catching the hesitation that flickered over his face. “We could try it. Long-distance. We could visit each other every month or something.”
When he looked at me like that, I wanted to say yes.
It sounded romantic, getting on a plane and crossing the country to see each other.
But what kind of relationship would that be?
If Beth and Mark couldn’t make it when they lived under the same roof, what chance did Alex and I stand thousands of miles apart?
I shook my head. “It’s too complicated.”
“We don’t have to have it all figured out right now,” he said.
I closed my eyes, a wave of sadness passing over me. “Please, Alex. It’s just easier this way. A relationship like that wouldn’t be worth it.”
“You don’t think something is better than nothing? We can figure it out.”
I sighed. “We’ll only hurt each other.”
“You can’t know that.”
Alex’s sincerity needled me. Why did he have to make this harder than it already was?
Didn’t he understand I was only trying to protect both of us?
“You already are hurting me,” I said, pulling my hand from his to press my fingers to my temples.
“I get it. You’re this happy-go-lucky guy who believes in fate and destiny.
But life isn’t a fairy tale, Alex. There is no happily ever after. ”
Alex laughed, but there was no humor to it. “I hate to wreck whatever image you have of me, but I don’t exactly see my life as a fairy tale.”
So much had happened over the last twelve hours that I couldn’t think straight.
I was tired, and confused, and didn’t want to talk about this.
Not now. Not ever. If this conversation continued, I’d end up doing what I always did: lash out, say things I didn’t mean, push him away.
I grabbed the door handle. “Let’s just go inside. ”
“Hold on, Jo,” Alex said. “Say it, whatever it is you want to say to me.”
I turned to him, my annoyance flaring into the anger I’d felt last night in the car with Mia and Kitty.
“This is what you do, right? You decide what’s best for everyone, but you don’t actually know what you’re doing.
Any opportunity to turn your life upside down and you go for it.
It’s so easy for you to leave, because none of it really matters to you, does it?
You’re so busy being a martyr that you end up hurting people. ”
“That’s not fair,” he said.
“You’re right, it’s not. I think Greyson would agree with me.”
Alex’s expression darkened. “Yes, I’ve given up a lot. You don’t even know the half of it, but I don’t expect you to understand. How can you when you’re so busy protecting yourself?”
“That’s not—”
“You’re so afraid of getting hurt that you make yourself miserable. Isn’t keeping everyone at arm’s length exhausting? Aren’t you tired of it?”
I turned away, unable to look at him. The Serendipity sat prettily on the water, stark white against a cloudless blue sky.
At least on deck I knew what to expect: when the guests would arrive, what they wanted from me, when they would leave.
“Yes, Alex, it is exhausting. But it’s better than the alternative.
You can dream up ways for this to work, but when it comes down to it, you’re leaving, and I’m tired of being left.
” I didn’t look back at him as I swung open the door.
“Don’t wait for me after work, I’ll have Nina give me a ride home. ”
Alex didn’t say anything when I got out of the van.
I walked as fast as I could across the parking lot, telling myself I wouldn’t cry.
Not for a guy I’d only known for a summer.
Not for someone who would end up as a blip in my life, even if we had loved each other.
With every step I took toward the dock, it became harder and harder to blink back the tears, and by the time I boarded the boat, they were falling faster than I could wipe them away.
—
“You look like shit,” Nina said when I walked into the crew mess. She looked at me with raised eyebrows and set her mug onto the counter.
“Thanks, Nina.” I pushed past her and headed for the laundry room, not wanting to be in here when Alex came inside. “I don’t really want to talk,” I called at the sound of her footsteps behind me.
Nina followed me into the laundry room and shut the door behind her. I ignored her, starting on a bird-of-paradise fold with a cloth napkin I’d grabbed from a pile on top of the dryer.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on or what?” she said, hopping onto the washing machine.
“Or what.”
“Fine, I’ll talk until you decide to, then.” She folded her hands in her lap. “That was some show you and Alex put on last night, and I’m not talking about the karaoke. Don’t think I didn’t notice the lipstick on his face after your little rendezvous in the parking lot.”
I folded the napkin in half diagonally and didn’t respond.
“I thought you’d be happier, though,” Nina continued.
“I told you he was just confused about his feelings for you. Those kneecaps, really, who can resist them? So is he still a good kisser now that you know him? Yes or no? My guess is yes, given his refined palate and how wrinkled your dress was. Though you look miserable, so maybe no?”
I kept my eyes on the napkin in my hands, folding it until I had a sloppy-looking diamond.
“It’s the minivan, isn’t it?” Nina continued. “You know I have a thing for soccer moms—the mom jeans, the bob haircuts, the whole Target aesthetic really gets me going. But it’s the minivans. I just can’t do it. I get that sliding doors are very appealing, but wouldn’t an SUV—”
My fingers were jittery as I tugged the last fold of the napkin, and my bird-of-paradise looked more like a bat out of hell. “Oh my God, Nina, please shut up!”
Nina snatched the napkin from my hands, her fingers flying as she refolded it with more skill than I possessed even on my best days. “I’ll think about it, if you’ll tell me what’s going on.”
“All right, all right! We made out in the parking lot and he told me he loves me. And yes, he’s still an excellent kisser.
And no, I’m not happy, because none of it matters.
He and Greyson are moving across the country, and who knows if we’ll ever see each other again.
Oh, and then there’s the fact that Mia, Kitty, and Greyson got caught in the yacht’s hot tub last night.
And Alex and I just got into a fight, and I said some horrible things I didn’t mean, and I’m still too pissed at him to do anything about it. ”
“Whoa, Jo Jo.” Nina hopped off the washer and set the bird-of-paradise onto it. “Deep breath, now,” she said, pressing her hands onto my shoulders.
I sucked in a breath through my nose and exhaled in one big whoosh out of my mouth, like Greyson had shown me.
Nina patted my cheek. “First, bravo on the kissing. You needed a good spit swap. Second, I guess we know what Greyson’s deal was last night. And finally, I am very sorry to hear he’s leaving. That’s the butts.”
“The butts?”
“It sucks ass! Is that what you want me to say? I was trying to be polite. And I’m sure Alex knows things are . . . difficult right now. Just apologize later.”
Nina pulled me into a hug, and I leaned my head on her shoulder as she rubbed my back in big circles.
“I can’t imagine he’ll want to talk to me after this morning. But you’re right. This is the butts,” I said.
“I really wish you’d say that more often.”
“The butts?”
“Sure, but I meant the part about me being right.”
I rolled my eyes.
“And I may have heard about the hot tub incident already.”
I pulled away from her. “You did?” Had the owners found out?
I’d only met them the few times they’d taken out the yacht themselves.
Mr. and Mrs. Green were nice, but they expected nothing less than perfection.
I didn’t think they’d have any second thoughts about firing me if they felt I deserved it.
Would I be losing my job on top of everything else today?
“Officer T told me,” Nina said. “I made him promise not to tell Cap or the Greens.”
Relief flooded through me, and I wrapped my arms around her, picking her up off the floor. “Nina Lejeune, you are the best human being.”
“That’s what you think. Maybe I’m a reptilian.”
I set Nina back on her feet. “Wait, how do you know Officer Thomas?” It wasn’t like we interacted with security much. I’d never heard Nina mention him before.
“Remember that year I answered those Craigslist ads?”
“Never mind, I don’t want to know,” I said, and tossed a napkin at her.
Nina snatched the napkin from the air and shrugged. “Suit yourself. You wouldn’t believe what he does in his free time anyway.”
—
When Nina dropped me off that evening, the TV was still glowing through the window. On the way home we’d stopped by the grocery store, where I bought three pints of ice cream and the biggest tub of cheese balls I could find.
“You sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” Nina said.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I said, looping my arms through the grocery bags. “I think tonight should be an aunt-nieces only thing.”
I thanked Nina for the ride and stepped out of the car. Mia, Kitty, and I would deal with our feelings the way thousands of women before us had, by eating junk food and watching reality TV. No talking required.
“Hey!” Nina called, and I turned back to her. She nodded across the parking lot in the direction of Alex’s van. “Promise me you’ll think about going over there to kiss and make up. Or maybe make up and make out. I like that better.”
“No promises,” I said. Though my anger with Alex had faded, I was still embarrassed about what I’d said and ashamed I’d brought Greyson into it. Alex and I hadn’t spoken a word to each other the entire charter. Who knew if he’d ever want to speak to me again?
When the condo door swung open, I expected to see Mia and Kitty on the couch watching TV with Greyson.
But the girls were nowhere to be found. The sofa bed was put away.
The linens were folded in a neat pile beside the couch.
As I walked through the condo, I couldn’t find so much as a stray phone charger or half-empty glass of water abandoned on a table.
Maybe they’d cleaned to apologize for last night, I thought, and walked to my bedroom. Perhaps they were out on the patio with Greyson. Just last week, I’d found them spread out on lounge chairs and holding magazines before their faces, their freshly painted toes shining in the sunlight.
“This is what teenage girls do in the movies,” Greyson had explained, making me laugh.
“Ugh,” Mia had groaned, covering her face with the magazine in her hands. “Now you’ve made it sound uncool.”
But when I opened the door and stepped onto the patio now, I was alone.
There were no giggling teenage girls. No bottles of nail polish left open and drying in the sun.
No long, lanky bodies stretched out on my chairs and holding magazines.
No half-empty chip bags gone soggy from a passing rain shower.
I circled the patio, looking one way, then another down the stretch of grass that ran behind the building, but the girls were nowhere in sight.
Relax, I told myself. Maybe they were up on the beach or at Alex’s place.
There were plenty of explanations. But as I looked around my garden, flowers withering in the August sun, I knew the girls weren’t off having another adventure with Greyson.
I’d known it as soon as I didn’t see their exploding suitcases in the living room.
I returned inside and scanned the condo for anything belonging to Mia and Kitty.
I passed by my desk and spotted the note I’d left the girls that morning.
Something caught my eye, and I picked it up.
Scrawled at the bottom in Mia’s loopy artistic handwriting, the girls had left a note of their own, the only trace they’d been here at all.
Sorry for ruining your summer.
XO, M&K