Chapter 33 Burn It All Away
BURN IT ALL AWAY
RAYA
Asher asks if he can wash my hair, and at my nod, his strong fingers massage shampoo into my roots.
I sigh into the sensation, leaving my eyes closed as I focus on the scent of him surrounding me.
His shampoo and conditioner, his soap, his hands and no one else’s.
After helping me rinse it out, he rests his forearms on the edge of the tub, trailing one hand in the water.
“If you’re feeling okay to be on your own for a bit, I’d like to go grab you some food and water. I have some snacks in the kitchen, should be good enough for now,” he says.
I nod and he leans forward to press a kiss to my forehead as he stands.
“Can you leave the door cracked, though?” I ask. “So I can hear you.”
“Of course, give me a few minutes, I’ll be right back up.”
I grab the bar of soap and run it over my skin again.
I can’t smell Chadwick anymore, but his touch and scent linger in my brain, tricking me into thinking it’s still there.
Tipping my head against the padded towel Asher placed on the back of the tub, I close my eyes, only to open them moments later when he comes back in with a plate of food and glass of water.
“Sorry to wake you, but it’s probably best not to nap in a tub full of water,” he says, quirking a hesitant smile.
I try to answer with one of my own.
“You’re probably right.”
Asher holds out a wide, fluffy towel for me when I stand and step from the bath, then wraps me up and starts to dry me off.
“I don’t have any clothes,” I say.
“I snagged some of mine you can wear for now.”
Asher wraps the towel around me and I take it from him, drying the rest of my body off as he turns and grabs a folded t-shirt, boxers, and sweatpants. There’s no way any of them will fit me, but I put them on anyway.
His clothes swamp my body, and I revel in it.
I feel cozy and comfortable, surrounded by him; it’s everything I’ve been wanting to feel safe again.
He doesn’t have any bandages for my still bleeding knuckles, being a vampire who can heal wounds and all, so he rips up an old t-shirt and wraps the length of cloth around my hand instead, tying it in a small knot over my palm and placing a gentle kiss on it.
We move to his bed and sit on top of the comforter across from each other, eating the snacks he brought while I take careful sips of water.
The silence lingers, and I take a breath to break it.
“I know you’re probably wondering…” I trail off, not sure how to tell him what happened.
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he replies. His eyes are soft on mine, filled with worry and tenderness.
“I do, though. I want someone else to know. I don’t want to be alone with this in my head. It’s just,” I stop again, fidgeting my hands in my lap.
“Just what?” he prompts after a few moments of quiet.
“I don’t know how.” I pull my arms tight around myself, feeling alone again all of a sudden.
Asher reaches over and pulls me in front of him. He spreads his legs around me and my back meets his front as he tucks me in tight against him. My body instantly relaxes.
“Could you, maybe, I don’t know. Ask me what you want to know?”
I feel his deep inhale against my back, then his cheek is against the top of my head as he nods.
“Are you okay?” he asks, and tears come to my eyes that that’s the first thing he chose to ask.
“I don’t know. I think so.”
“Where did he hurt you?”
“He didn’t really,” I say, and Asher cuts off a growl.
“Sunshine, I can see bruises all over your body. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, but please don’t lie to me.”
I hadn’t meant to lie, but then again I hardly feel the pain. My body must be in shock, dissociated or something.
“Oh. Um, well he grabbed my arms, and my neck, and kind of dragged me around a bit,” I say. “After I came out of the restroom, he was right there and it all happened so fast. Next thing I knew we were around the corner, and then in that room, and then you were there.”
Asher’s arms are tight around me and I snuggle further back into his embrace. He nuzzles his nose into my hair and breathes deep again.
“Did he drink from you?” His voice is quiet with restrained menace again, and I quickly shake my head.
“No. He threatened to. He… threatened a lot of things.” I shudder, trying to get his voice out of my head again.
“Let me prove his words are lies. Can you tell me what he said?”
My heart jumps and I gulp a swallow.
“He said… he called me names. Accused me of using you for your money and connections. That I was worthless and weak and he’d prove it.”
Asher turns me in his arms so I’m curled up sideways, then his hand cups my jaw and tips my face to his. I meet his eyes, seeing fierce loyalty and determination as he speaks.
“Listen to me, little shifter. You are one of the strongest people I know. Everything you’ve been through, you’ve kept your head high and spread joy and kindness wherever you go.
Despite the hardships life has thrown your way, you’ve met every obstacle with courage and intelligence.
That is not the mark of a worthless, weak person.
That is the mark of an incredible individual, someone I respect and admire.
Whatever names he called you are a reflection of him, not you. ”
I blink, tears filling my eyes again.
“Do you believe my words?” His eyes bore into me, and I know he meant every single one.
“I do,” I whisper. I believe he meant them, and I also believe they’re true.
“As far as the money goes,” he scoffs. “Did you even know I have money?”
“I… what?” I’m confused now. Of course he has money.
“How rich do you think I am?”
“That’s a weird question.” I squirm in his arms, uncomfortable with the direction this is going. “I’m not with you for your money.”
“I know that, but I’m proving to you that his words aren’t true. So, my sweet shifter, how much do you think I’m worth?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I can guess your salary. And I know your family is rich, so like. A lot?”
He raises his eyebrows and I wrinkle my nose.
“Half a million?”
“Higher.”
“A million?”
“Much higher.”
My eyes go round and threaten to pop out of my head. Okay, I knew he was wealthy, but more than a million I would not have guessed.
“I…” I shake my head. “I don’t think I want to know.”
“There. Exactly that. None of what that despicable man-child said is true, and I won’t have you considering any of it for one more second. I always want you to know that I know it’s not true, and I don’t share any of his very misinformed, frankly idiotic opinions.”
“It’s just that I can’t get his smell from his nose. It feels like he’s still on my skin even after washing over and over, and I can’t get his words out of my head.” My breath hitches and I close my eyes against the onslaught of memories again.
“I have an idea,” he says, squeezing my shoulder once. “I’ll be right back.”
Asher jumps off the bed, and I hear him rummaging around somewhere else in the house. He comes back with a big, oven safe bowl, a pitcher of water, matches, and a notebook and pen.
“Write down what he said, whatever you can’t get out of your head. Put it here instead. I won’t look if you don’t want me to, but then it’ll be out of your head and when you’re done, we’ll burn it.”
A genuine smile tilts my lips up and I lean forward, pressing them to his before taking the notebook and pen.
I bend my head and write, letting each and every one of the vile, nasty, hurtful words fill the page until they’re all out of my brain and in front of me instead.
When I’m done, I tear it from the notebook.
“Hold it over the bowl,” Asher says. He lights a match, then holds it to the bottom corner of the page.
I watch as the flames catch, as they eat up his words, erasing them from my life. When the flame nears my fingers, I drop the paper into the bowl, and soon all that’s left is ash.
Taking the bowl to the bathroom, Asher pours some of the water into it, then puts the lid on and sets it in the sink to cool.
“As for his smell and touch on you, would you stay with me tonight?” he asks, then quickly continues. “Not for sex, I don’t have any expectations, I only want to hold you. And I think, maybe, that would help you too?”
My shoulders slump in relief.
“Yes. Yes, please. I really want that.”
We brush our teeth together, me using a new brush he had in the cupboard, and I feel the weirdest sense of normal domesticity after an evening of absolute horror.
It already feels like a lifetime ago, yet the marks still cover my body.
Shaking my head, I refill my water glass and set it on the nightstand as I slip under the covers.
Asher tugs me against him, spooning behind me and cocooning me in warmth.
“Is it okay if I touch you? Kiss you? I don’t want anything more than that for tonight,” he says, and I nod, agreeing with his need for nonsexual intimacy right now.
My head rests on his biceps, and his hand slips under my shirt and presses to the bare skin of my stomach, holding me tight against him.
His other brushes gently down my arm, my hip, my upper leg, then comes back up to wrap around between my breasts and squeeze me tightly into him.
Our legs tangle together, and he presses chaste kisses to my shoulder, cheek, and hair.
Seemingly everywhere he can reach in our current position.
I bask in the affection, letting it wash over me and breathing him in as I succumb to exhaustion and drift off to sleep.