Chapter 7 Crushing a Crush
Crushing a Crush
The midevening sun warms the shoji screen windows with a hazy ashen glow.
I’ve slid one of them open while I hunch at the desk once more.
From down below, the sounds of Tokyo make their way into my room.
Aside from the occasional car cruising by and birds singing on the telephone wires, Tokyo sure is quieter than life in DC.
One of the brain exercises Yua gave me was to draw an element while meditating on what it means to me.
I’ve chosen water. There’s a blue pencil in my hand, and I’m letting it glide across the paper like a flowing river.
My hand dances like it’s on autopilot while I’m thinking about how life twists and turns.
How does it feel to let the universe carry me downstream?
Are there rocks in my path? How fast is this water going?
After a while, my hand finds a rhythm. I carve out a river, but the more times the pencil follows this path, the deeper the river becomes and the more rapidly the waves roll.
Before I know it, I’ve drawn a bending scene with logs and stones scattered along the way.
The frothy white bubbles around those obstructions show an angry, churning river.
I can practically hear the roar of white water crying out because it’s become furious with the rocks disrupting its path.
Somehow, this exercise has put me in a hypnotic state, one that allows me to create without thinking.
I’m not worried about how the shading looks, nor am I concerned about how this applies to designing something for my mentorship.
I’m just drawing. It’s like I’ve taken all the debris inside me and dumped it onto this piece of paper.
The sliding door to my tatami room opens. “I’ve got it!”
Aiko’s voice snaps me from my hypnosis. I sit up in my seat, recognizing the familiar burn between my shoulder blades. One day I’ll at least get my ergonomics in order.
“Good as new.” Aiko grins, sashaying over to my desk. In her hand is my autumn qipao, wrapped in a sheet of plastic and draped on a clothes hanger. “You’d never know there were stains on this thing.”
I take the bag from Aiko and slide my dress out. I hold it under my lamp and inspect the stitching, the colors, and the corset that has also been dry-cleaned. All I smell is silk and a lingering pinch of detergent.
“Thank you for getting this cleaned so quickly.” I finish stripping the plastic covering off my qipao and hang it up in my closet. Shortly after I left Cuppa Coffee, I came home to change while Aiko took my dress to the cleaner Yua recommended.
“Sooooo…?” Aiko says, taking a seat on the tatami. “How did things go with Yuaaaa…?”
The way she draws out Yua’s name sends my brows scrunching. Aiko already knows about the burn and the splash. I could mention how Yua’s exercise is awakening something in me. Or maybe I’ll keep that to myself, because I’m still not entirely sure what’s being awakened.
“We had breakfast.” I close the closet door, then take a seat at my desk once more.
“Aaand…?”
“It was delicious.” I smile. “Thanks for recommending the coffee.”
“Aaaannd…?” Aiko presses, cheeks redder than a tomato from straining her voice.
My brow arches. Am I missing some details? Did Yua tell Aiko something about our breakfast that’s slipped my mind? Oh crap—did I forget to pay for the food?
Aiko rolls her eyes like she’s growing impatient. “So would you ever want to go out with her or not?”
I scoff even though the way Yua said I looked beautiful still haunts me like a ghost.
“Yes? No?” Aiko says, stars twinkling in her eyes.
Is she serious? I need to squash this like a…well, squash.
“No,” I say flatly.
Aiko’s smile falls so fast, I half expect her lips to plop down on the floor in front of her. “Wh-why? I thought you had a secret crush on her. You were drawing pictures of her and trying to hide them.”
I stiffen in my seat. Crap. So she did see that drawing after all. “I don’t like her. Not like that, anyway. Besides, I’m not really looking for something casual. When I find love, I want it to last.”
“What do you mean by casual?” Aiko practically wails.
I shrug. “Casual as in if I dated her, we’d eventually have to break up because I’m going home at the end of the summer.”
But even as the words leave my lips, I know that’s not entirely true.
Whitney is doing long distance with Thierry—at least, when he’s not in DC working at his parents’ chocolate shop.
And Archi’s doing long distance with Shiv, too.
But that’s not something I want. It has to be perfect, or it’ll end up turning into one of Ma’s relationships.
“But I like the idea of you two together.” Aiko keeps staring at me like a puppy begging for a French fry. “I thought she might be your muse.”
“No, Aiko,” I say, even though the idea of it warms my cheeks. “I can’t think about dating her. I’m already behind on my sketches. I can’t afford more distractions.”
Aiko does that thing where her bottom lip bounces. “No distractions? Does that mean sightseeing is off-limits?”
I open my mouth and close it before the word no can slip out again. Actually, now that she’s bringing it up, Yua did suggest that I go on a tour to Gunma Prefecture. That, and I’m still craving seafood since she mentioned Tsukiji fish market.
“Actually, can you do me a favor?” I ask, changing the subject.
Aiko nods like a bobblehead.
“Yua mentioned there were some bus tours and—”
“Oh!” Aiko says before I can finish my thought. “To see Matsumoto Silk Mill? Sure, I can book something for us!”
I blink. Well, I didn’t exactly mention us, but I’d appreciate the company. Besides, how did she know what I was going to say? It’s like she stopped by a fortune teller after picking up my dress or something.
“Oooh,” Aiko continues, tapping her fingers on her knees. “Remember how I said I’d take you on a walking tour? Scratch that, because a bus tour is going to be so much better. And—I don’t know about you—but I’m already over this humidity. It’s making me break out so bad!”
My gaze sinks to Aiko’s twittering fingers. “Um, Aiko? Are you all right?”
“What? Yeah. Why?”
I nod down to her fidgeting hand.
Aiko follows my gaze then giggles, like she’s finally realized what she’s doing.
“Oh! Ha. So, me and my online friends are doing a video game fast. We were playing an MMORPG together, but one of them got grounded from her console. We’re all taking a break to join in solidarity.
Besides, we can’t get through the dungeons without her. She’s our tank.”
I nod even though I catch the way Aiko’s smile wavers. “I didn’t know you were a gamer.”
Aiko cocks her head to the side. “Well, I’m not currently. But I’ve been away from my PC for a week now. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to go online and check out the bus tours. That’ll give me something to do!”
She springs up from her seat with a pep in her step and vanishes out the door. Alone with my thoughts again, I turn back to my sketch. Now that I’m looking at it with fresh eyes, I can’t help but notice that the shape of the river mirrors Yua’s profile.
Later that night, I’m curled up on my futon with Boba.
I stroke his velvety tummy and squish his cotton body under my arm.
My internal clock still hasn’t adjusted to Japan time, so I lie there with my eyes closed, willing sleep to come.
It doesn’t. Instead, my thoughts keep drifting to Cuppa Coffee.
To the strawberry shortcake. To Yua. It’s strange, isn’t it?
How easy it was to talk to her. How natural it seemed it was for her to confide in me.
And maybe that’s why I can’t stop playing our conversations on repeat.
After she’d given me some suggestions on what creative exercises I should work on, we talked about Neck Lace.
About the worst people we’ve ever designed for.
We talked about the fashion conventions we’ve attended and what growing up was like for us.
Because Yua’s parents are divorced, she spent her summers in the UK, then came back to Japan for school.
At least now I know where she gets her unique accent from.
After exchanging numbers and saying goodbye, I’d almost forgotten she’d burned her hand.
I’m analyzing everything that happened today, from the cheeky look on Aiko’s face to the way Yua said the word beautiful.
Guess I’m not getting any sleep tonight, so I open the group chat that I have going with Whitney and Archi and see if they’re up.
If anyone can help me make sense of why I can’t shut my brain off, it’s them.
Lilyn: So you know how you two found love abroad?
My friends text back faster than humanly possible.
Whitney: ?
Archi: Is there something you want to tell us?
I might be at the other end of the world right now, but I can feel Whitney’s and Archi’s gazes burning me through the phone. I suck in a deep breath and type out my text. Once I hit send, I can’t take it back.
Lilyn: I think I have a crush on someone
Whitney: IN CASE YOU CAN’T TELL BY THE CAPS LOCK, I’M SCREAMING!!!!!! Who is she?! Details, Lilyn, DETAILS!!
Do you have a picture of her?
Archi: What’s her full name and date of birth? I can’t promise I won’t go full CIA on her.
Gotta make sure she’s not hiding a secret identity!
My thumbs hover over the screen. This conversation feels oddly familiar. Whitney and I had the same reaction when Archi told us about Shiv. And now they’re bombarding me with the same level of curiosity and semi-stalkerishness. Except I might have given them the wrong impression of everything.
Lilyn: Um. So here’s the thing
I need you guys to help me get her off my mind
Three little dots appear under Whitney’s name.
Then they disappear just as three little dots appear under Archi’s name.
When they disappear, too, I know my friends are confused.
They’ve fallen in love in France and India, respectively, and if my study abroad is anything like theirs, I’m doomed to follow the pattern.
Since they don’t know what to say, I fill in the silence for them.
Lilyn: I’ve never felt this before
And I’m not sure what it means
But I’m having trouble pushing past it so that I can focus on getting into CIF
The three little dots return. Then, all at once, Archi’s and Whitney’s replies slide in.
Archi: OOOH
Whitney: OOOH
Archi: Jinx!
Whitney: Well, what are you feeling?
I stare at my side of the chat as if the answers will type themselves out.
Yua’s easy to talk to. Like we’ve had these conversations before.
Maybe in another life, or in another timeline.
Like I knew her long before we met. Sitting across from her wasn’t like meeting a stranger—it was like catching up with an old friend.
But that’s not real, right? It doesn’t make sense.
And that’s what I’m trying to figure out.
I don’t know how to put this feeling into words, so I thumb something shorter instead.
Lilyn: She’s the candy corn to my licorice
We just kind of go together
At least, that’s what my sleep-deprived brain thinks hehe
I drum out a beat on the back of my phone, waiting for my friends to read the texts and reply. One by one, their responses roll in.
Whitney: It’s totally normal to feel that way when you have a crush on someone. It’s like that even when I’m dating a boy with a cute butt.
Archi: Or a boy with nice arms
Whitney: Or a boy with gorgeous eyes
Archi: LOL we get it, Whitney! You’re in looooove
Lilyn: I like boys, too
Caught in my web and ready to be eaten
A string of laugh emojis appears on my screen, and I smile back.
They are so clearly infatuated with their boyfriends, but this nagging thought playing on a loop in my mind is different.
I can’t imagine swooning for Yua the way my friends do for their boys.
It feels…I don’t know—forced? Like I’ve been told my entire life that a girl marries her prince, and they run off and live happily ever after together.
But I’d much rather run off with a princess, because she’s way cuter and we could start a royal coven.
Lilyn: Idk it’s hard to think right now
Archi: Since you’ve been so focused on your CIF application, you could just be going stir-crazy.
Whitney: If you want to get this mystery girl off your mind, maybe you should do a little sightseeing on your own.
Fill up that Polaroid with your memories
I smirk to myself. All signs seem to be pointing to that: Get out of this house because my inspiration isn’t inside these walls.
From the moment Yua mentioned Tsukiji fish market, I’ve been craving seafood, anyway.
I’m in Japan. It wouldn’t be the freaking apocalypse if I grabbed some sushi instead of working.
Maybe Aiko and I can add it to our list of things to do.
Lilyn: You guys are right
Whitney: Hope it helps!
Have fun while you’re in Tokyo!!
Fun seems like an afterthought, but even if going to the fish market doesn’t keep me from thinking about Yua, maybe I’ll at least get some inspiration from there, too. Plus, I’ll finally be able to take a picture with Whitney’s Polaroid. Until then, it won’t really feel like I’m here in Tokyo.
I’m about to set my phone down on the mats beside my futon when another text message appears.
Archi: You never said what her name was!
Also, what’s her height, weight, and Japanese Individual Number?
Lilyn: Ha. Ha.
Good night, Archi