Chapter 25 The Memories of Yua
The Memories of Yua
They follow me when you’re gone.
They find me in my sleep.
The sun to morning dew,
They follow me like sheep.
Yeah, the memories (follow, follow).
The memories of you.
With headphones against my ears and my eyes shut tight, I’m absorbed by the sounds of Neck Lace’s words.
While I love their entire album, their song “Follow, Follow” isn’t exactly my favorite.
When I first listened to it, I forgot the melody by the time the next song started.
Although, as I’m listening to it again, the last line of the chorus sounds like the vocalist is saying memories of Yua.
And now I can’t hear the song the same way.
The chorus ends, and the next verse swings into an instrumental break.
I turn up my music, even though I know it’s already loud enough to be heard through my headphones.
The drumbeats vibrate my skull while the electric guitar soars into the melody.
But as I’m replaying this song for what must be the tenth time in a row, I’m also finally noticing the soft thumps of bass belting out the last line in the chorus.
The music shakes me, and I welcome the vibrations. But this time around, they’re actually vibrating. Wait—it’s not the song.
My eyes flash open, and I reach for the phone on my pillow. Ma’s name lights up my screen. I swipe to welcome her face on my phone and blink so she can’t see that I’ve been crying.
“What are you doing up?” I ask, though since she’s wearing her scrubs, she’s probably on her way to work.
“I wanted to see how my favorite daughter is feeling,” Ma says, climbing into her car. She sets the phone into the clamp that she keeps on the dash. I can only see half of her face, but it’s enough to remind me of home.
I’m so worn out that I don’t laugh at her response. Of course I’m her favorite daughter. I’m her only daughter.
When I don’t laugh, Ma must pick up on the fact that I’m not feeling well.
She knows all about Yua’s venture to California, and she’s even trying to coordinate some time for me to fly out and see her.
With her supervision, of course. But with the demand at the hospital, there’s never really a good time for her to go on vacation.
“Oh, my baby,” Ma sighs, driving down the street. I can hardly see much other than the flecks of streetlights passing by the windows. It must be so early in the morning that dawn has yet to break. “I had a feeling you were having a tough time.”
A tough time is putting it lightly. When I sit up on my futon, I leave behind a pillow stained with tears. I rub my nose. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about why goodbyes are so hard for me, but I guess I always knew.”
I can’t really see Ma’s face, but one of her eyebrows rises in surprise. “Oh?”
I sigh, not really knowing how to tell Ma this.
But I’m so hollow from crying that maybe I feel like I have nothing to lose by speaking up.
“I think it’s because my dad left me when I was young.
Growing up without a father kind of messed me up.
And now that Yua’s leaving, it’s like I’m losing someone else… ”
My throat clamps up. Even though I want to flop down on my pillow again, I force myself to stay upright. A knot loosens in my chest like my body is confirming that what I’m saying is true. Now that I’m acknowledging my abandonment issues, I can begin healing from the heartache they caused me.
Ma doesn’t seem to need me to finish. She nods, and she responds, “I’ve been thinking about that, too. After the last time we spoke about your father, I dug through my memory box and found his phone number.”
“What?” I blink, and a fat tear rolls down my cheek. Ma has a memory box for him? Since when? I didn’t even know she cared enough about him to hold on to his possessions.
Ma swallows hard. “I wasn’t sure how to tell you this because I don’t want to get your hopes up.”
I clear my throat before I speak again. “What do you mean?”
Ma sighs. “I mean that, well, firstly, I don’t know if that number is any good. But also, I don’t want you to…I don’t…”
Ma’s mouth opens and closes, but nothing comes out. I stay quiet, giving her the space she needs to compile her words. For the first time all day, I’m not thinking about Yua. I’m leaning into my phone as if I could teleport myself right beside Ma.
“I don’t want you to think I’ll get married to him or anything,” Ma finally says. “My memories of him are that he was a good man, but he is not someone I can be in love with. I don’t want to settle down. I’ve never wanted to get married—”
“Ma, I know that about you,” I interrupt. “If you’re okay with me never marrying a man, then why would I expect you to marry one?”
Ma reaches a stop sign. She looks both ways before driving through the intersection. As she does, I swear I catch her shoulders sagging with relief. “Thank you for understanding.”
My shoulders relax, too. “Of course, Ma.”
“When you come home, I can give you his number, and you can do what you want with it,” Ma says, leaving our neighborhood. If I’m following her path correctly, then she’s probably going past our local pool right now. “I love you, Lilyn.”
Ma’s not looking at the phone right now, but I don’t need to meet her eyes to know how sincere she is. Telling me about my biological dad couldn’t’ve been easy for her to do. But this has been something that’s weighed on me for years. I need closure, and now I finally have a chance at that.
“I love you, too,” I say. “I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
Ma chuckles. “I don’t know who’s more excited for you to come home, me or your friends. They are bugging me about throwing you a welcome home surprise party and—”
Ma stops talking like it’s dawned on her what she said. Dang. There goes the surprise. Guess I’m exactly like her—too busy blabbing away until something slips.
“I’ll pretend to be surprised,” I reassure her.
Just then, there’s a knock at my door. Aiko’s face fills the doorway.
“Hey, Ma, I gotta go,” I say, climbing up from my futon. “I think the Matsumotos are here for the party.”
Ma and I exchange I love yous one last time before I slide my phone into my dress pocket. I toss my headphones off and set them between Boba and Mochi, the plushie Yua gave me.
“You doing okay?” Aiko asks, waiting for me by the door. She must’ve noticed how flushed my eyes are from crying.
“I’m feeling a little better now that I’ve talked to my ma,” I say, trudging my way across the tatami mats. “But I’m still going to miss Yua.”
Aiko pulls me in for a hug when I meet her at the doorway.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned while in Tokyo, it’s that Aiko truly gives the best hugs.
She rocks me as we stand together, arms sheltering me like a cocoon.
She strokes the back of my head while my chin slides over her shoulder.
I squeeze her tighter than I ever have before, not wanting to let go.
“It’s weird because I know I should be happy for her,” I say, exhaling the thoughts I’ve stored inside for so long. “She’s living her dream. But I’m having a hard time letting go.”
Aiko takes my shoulders. Her deep gaze searches mine.
When we first met this summer, her rose gold hair had been freshly dyed.
Now an inch of new growth shadows her roots.
Her brows have even grown out so that they’re dark worry lines over her lashes.
“You know Yua never would’ve been able to live her dream without you, right? ”
I furrow my brows. “I don’t know about that.”
Aiko giggles, her big canines showing. I’m going to miss this smile, too. “No, really. Don’t tell Auntie Hana I told you this, but Yua was able to talk her into going to America because of you.”
My head jerks in her direction. “What did I have to do with this?”
There’s a reassuring smile on Aiko’s lips.
“On the night Yua and Auntie Hana had that big fight, she told her mom that in the distant future, she’ll marry a girl who can become the owner of Matsumoto Alturations.
She’ll marry someone who loves sewing as much as her mom, like… the girl she’s in love with now.”
I swallow a knot in my throat.
Aiko waves a hand. “I’m not saying she’ll marry you. You guys are waaaay too young for that. Though if you do get married, I’d better be the maid of honor for both of you.”
I snicker at the idea of Aiko running back and forth across an aisle, carefully evading white wedding dresses. Well, a classic white dress on Yua, maybe. But on me…I’ll design something of my own. Eventually. Maybe. Who knows where these next few years will take us?
“But I think because Yua is so head over heels for you, Auntie Hana could see that the shop’s ownership won’t end with her,” Aiko continues. “Yua may be leaving home, but she’ll always find her way back.”
I’m pretty sure this is all speculation, considering how Aiko tends to exaggerate everything with the Aiko touch. But I like the sentiment because this is what I’ve always wanted. My forever girl.
“But this isn’t goodbye,” Aiko says, dimples carving the space beneath her eyes. “We still have some time before you fly out. And now that you’ve finished your collection, I’ll have plenty of time to show you more of Japan!”
She’s right. I’ve been so busy playing catch-up this entire summer that I haven’t exactly had a chance to do nearly as much exploring as I’d like. Good thing I wrapped everything up early. I couldn’t have done it without my girlfriend or her mom. And I wouldn’t have, either, if not for Aiko.
“What did you have in mind?” I ask.
“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet, Lilyn!” Aiko smiles so wide that all her teeth are showing. “I’ll take you to the Imperial Palace, to the many, many anime museums—and you haven’t even seen Tokyo Tower! You can’t come all this way and not take a picture in front of it!”