4. Hannah
CHAPTER 4
hannah
Monday evenings suck.
It’s Levi’s day to call, and it’s the same excuses every week. Sometimes I don’t even get the courtesy of an excuse, so I guess those are better than being ghosted. It always puts such a damper on the start of the week, especially after spending the previous day with my favorite people. I’ve been going to the majority of the Hayes family dinners for as long as I can remember. They’re my second family, and I’d be lost without that crazy bunch.
Living in a small town, everyone pretty much knows everyone. But I didn’t really know Levi until later in high school. We were both seniors, and I had spent the majority of the year working at Bean Haven, studying, and spending my weekends at the drive-in theater with Liam. Levi pursued me, and what started as casual fun nights of hooking up, got shitty real fast when I found out he was cheating on me with some chick from a school in the next town over. We weren’t in a monogamous relationship, and that was later thrown in my face when I confronted him about it .
We didn’t speak again for a few years. I went away with Liam to college in Oregon and hated every moment of it. Our junior year I dropped out and moved back to Aspen Ridge to work at my grandmother’s coffee shop and bakery full-time. A year later, after one drunken night at The Night Owl, I found myself pants down in the back of Levi’s car. What started as a one-night stand continued.
I was easily wrapped up in the heat of all of it. My parents were at me constantly about going back to school, when all I wanted to do was bake in our small town. I love Aspen Ridge, and I feel happiest when my hands are covered with flour in my grandmother’s bakery. Why can’t that be enough?
I was at a low point, desperate, feeling bad about myself, and I easily got wrapped up in the feeling of being desired. Or what I thought at the time was desire. I used what little time Levi gave me as an escape. It wasn’t ever love, or passion. It was two young adults being idiots fucking in the back of a car. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter the same month I would have graduated from college. When Levi found out, he lost his shit, and I have never been more thankful for my sisters, Liam, and the entire Hayes family for getting me through the last few years. Levi certainly hasn’t been around to do it.
When he got the contract aboard a commercial fishing vessel out of Seattle, it was honestly a relief. It was never a question of whether I would go with him or not. I didn’t feel the urge to ask, and he didn’t offer. I assumed we would do the long-distance thing and work on building our lives as a family, even if that meant living apart for a while.
I moved into my apartment above Bean Haven, Levi moved to Seattle, and I’ve been trying to force this thing for the last several years, for the sake of my daughter. I should have expected to be out of sight out of mind, but because I can’t fathom not seeing my daughter every day, I assumed he would feel the same. I guess some people just don’t get the paternal/maternal genes and some do.
An hour after he was due to call, I drop down onto my bed and pick up my phone, my fingers hovering over the call button. I’m so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of the missed opportunities and the disappointment. Tired of feeling like I’m attached to another person who doesn’t seem to want anything to do with us.
Becoming a mom as young as I did and doing it without the support of my partner and parents has been more than difficult. I lost the opportunity to take time for myself, to experience life and figure out what I like and what I don’t. I’ve been too busy working my ass off to ensure that my daughter doesn’t feel the loss of not having two parents, or grandparents that are present and active in her life. I deserve more than my situation. My daughter deserves more.
Resigned to get this over with, I connect the call and wait. Just as I’m about to hang up, Levi answers.
“Hey.” His voice is monotone, withdrawn, almost annoyed.
“Hey? You were supposed to call an hour ago,” I bark, my tone clipped and short.
“Oh, shit. Yeah, is it Monday already?”
“Yeah, Levi. It’s Monday. We were going to plan our daughter’s fourth birthday party. You remember her, Charlotte?”
“Of course, I remember her, Hannah, you remind me she exists every chance you get.”
“I wouldn’t have to if you put in some goddamn effort to be her father.”
“Here comes the fucking nagging. I don’t need to listen to this shit. I’ve got my own shit going on here.”
The goddamn audacity. It’s not supposed to be this way. How can he not want to be with her as often as possible? We made the most beautiful tiny human, and he doesn’t want to be a part of our family.
“Wow. I’m sorry we’re such an inconvenience for you, Levi. You think you’re the only one who has stuff going on? I’m running Bean Haven and raising our daughter alone. While you’re what? On a damn boat? What are you even doing right now, Levi? What’s stopping you from driving the few hours here to see us? To see Charlie. To be with us.”
“Will you shut up with this shit already, Hannah? Poor you, life’s so hard,” he mocks. “You asked for this. You decided to keep her. Not me. You made your bed, Hannah, now you get to lay in it alone. If I wanted you, I’d be there. Hope you’re happy ’cause no one else is gonna fuckin’ want you now.”
“Wow. Fuck yourself, Levi.”
“Yep, because I sure as hell won’t fuck you again.”
I jam my finger into the end button, hanging up on the bastard, adrenaline making me feel nauseous. I wipe at my face furiously, refusing to shed any more tears over him and my failed relationship. I’m just sad for my daughter. How can someone create something so perfectly beautiful and not feel any desire at all to take care of her? To have a relationship with her at a minimum. My heart breaks for that precious girl who only knows good. She doesn’t deserve to be tainted by such vile selfishness.
My rage simmers, leaving nothing but hate for a man who gave me the greatest gift in the world. My stomach flips over again, nausea rising further. It’s hard to fathom I ever saw anything in him to begin with. Liam warned me about Levi multiple times, had a deeply rooted hate for him that I still don’t understand outside of how Levi treats me and Charlie. But I was so desperate for attention that I fell back into a pattern with a man who had already hurt me once before. They don’t change, and it’s a lesson I learned too late. At least I got Charlie out of it.
The only reason I hang on to him anymore is for her. But what good is it doing? My parents may not be winning any parenting awards, but at the end of the day, I know they love me and my sisters. They always want the best for us, even if what we want isn’t what their idea of success is. Not a day went by that my dad didn’t rush right home to my mom, or to spend time with us girls. They may be holding Bean Haven over my head, but at least the offer to move to California with them is there, not that I would ever take it.
Levi is deeply flawed if he doesn’t want a relationship with Charlie. I will just have to work overtime to make sure she feels all the love and protect her from all the future disappointment that is bound to come from her piece of shit sperm donor. Because that’s all he is at this point. I don’t know how to go on from this, from failing at something so basic as starting and keeping a family.
I’m at a point where I just need something. An epiphany? A fairy godmother? A sign from some higher being? Maybe a yellow brick road will magically appear and show me the way. How the hell do I figure out where to go from here? I’m going to lose everything I’ve worked hard for because I wasn’t enough to keep the man I share a child with. He’s right, who the hell is going to want me now? A single mother, workaholic.
After pulling myself together and letting my rage drop to a rolling simmer, I go find my daughter, who’s playing with dolls in her room.
“Hey, baby cakes. Want to help your mama make dinner?”
“Yes! What are we having?” she squeals.
“We’re having your FAVORITE!” I yell the last word, amplifying my excitement for her.
“FRENCH TOAST?”
“FRENCH TOAST!” I echo back, matching her enthusiasm.
“Can bear come? He loves French toast, too!”
“He does love French toast, but he can’t come over until late tonight ’cause he’s working on something new and exciting. You’ll be asleep. But guess who’s taking you to school tomorrow?”
“Bear is? Cause Uncle Carter didn’t do the dance.”
I gasp in horror, and her light little laugh—that is music to my ears—floats through the air.
“We’re gonna have to talk to Uncle Carter because he needs to learn the dance if he’s going to drop you off again.”
Charlie and I work in the kitchen together with our ’90s music playlist blaring in the background. Nights like this with just me and my girl make me feel better. She’s happy and has no idea what she’s missing. It’s just that lingering fear that I’m not giving her everything she could have that makes me feel like such a failure. I so badly want to give her a stable home with two parents who love each other and love her just as much.
After dinner, we move through her bedtime routine—taking a bath and getting into her favorite PJs. Pulling out her favorite book, When the World Is Ready for Bed , we take turns reading. Well, me saying a line and pausing, and her saying the next. We’ve read this one no less than a few times a night for the last year, and she has the entire book memorized.
Kissing my baby goodnight, I leave her in her big girl bed to go about the rest of my evening alone.
Needing to decompress, I strip out of my clothes and get into the shower, not bothering to wait for the water to heat up. I’ve always been good at deflecting what anyone has to say or think of me. I have a tough exterior, and I’ve never fallen prey to people’s harsh words or opinions .
But Levi’s struck a chord. Am I going to be alone forever? Charlie’s part of this package, and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t love her just as much. I wouldn’t trade her for anything, but I can’t help but wonder if I didn’t inadvertently sign myself up for a lifetime of loneliness.
The early morning hustle and bustle has gradually faded, allowing me a few moments of peace and quiet before it picks back up again around lunchtime. My phone rings from the kitchen, the erratic alarm blaring as a warning of the caller. Dropping my head back and groaning to the ceiling, I snatch it off of the counter and click “accept”.
“Hello, life giver, to what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Hello, Hannah, nice to hear you’re your usual snarky self. Very cute. How’s our granddaughter?”
“Thank you, warden, I do try my hardest for you. Charlie is doing amazing, loving preschool, learning so much, and making friends. Complete opposite of her mother.”
“That’s great, that’s what we love to hear. And how is Levi?”
My teeth gnash at the inside of my cheek to keep from losing my mind. She asks this every week when she calls, and my answer is always the same.
“I wouldn’t know. Levi doesn’t come around often, and he hardly calls anymore.”
“Well, you know, if you didn’t work so hard, and focused on raising Charlotte, things would be easier. No one wants to have a long-distance relationship, Hannah. If you just put in some effort with him, maybe he would come home. ”
Always the same conversation. Over and over and over again.
“It was Levi’s choice to leave, our lives are here.”
“Yes, but to provide for his family, Hannah.”
“No, mom. It wasn’t. It was a selfish decision that I wasn’t even a part of when he made it. Charlie and I are doing just fine by ourselves. More than fine.”
She sighs into the phone, no doubt to make sure I hear her disappointment through the speaker. I feel like a robot on repeat, going nowhere fast.
“You can’t continue to run yourself into the ground, Hannah. This nonsense has gone on for far too long, and you can’t do it all on your own. Not to mention what a travesty it would be for Charlotte to be raised without a father. Either you get it together and make things work with Levi, or you are coming to California with us. End of conversation.”
God, does she even hear herself? I am surviving just fine on my own, raising Charlie and running Bean Haven. Why the hell can’t anyone see that? She’s always been like this, refuses to see that pushing me toward her version of happiness and success isn’t what works for me. I’m living my happy life, with a joyful, healthy daughter. But I don’t want to lose Bean Haven if that’s what she is truly threatening. This place is deeply rooted in the marrow of my bones, and if they take it from me because I don’t meet their outdated expectations of what my life should look like, I don’t know what I would do.
I don’t even want to think about having that conversation with my grandmother. Just the thought of her no longer being with us and her bakery being sold is enough to steal the air from my lungs, the pain squeezing tightly. I would do anything to keep Bean Haven.
I haven’t even given a single thought to moving to California, because it’s not an option. I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—leave Aspen Ridge, even if they take Bean Haven from me.
“No, mom,” I object, my voice monotone and withdrawn. “Charlie and I are happy in Aspen Ridge, our lives are here. Please trust me. We are thriving, and I am figuring things out.” Quickly changing the topic, I add in over her audible huffs of disappointment, “Will you be coming back to Aspen Ridge for Charlie’s birthday party?”
She sighs again before answering, and I have to pull the phone away from my face so that I don’t freak out on her. Bringing it back up to my ear just in time to catch her reply, I roll my eyes and let my shoulders sag in relief.
“We wish we could, but we just can’t make it work to hop up there for just a weekend. We will be back for the summer in the last week of May, and we’ll take her out to celebrate and spoil her. I’ll call her on her birthday, okay?”
“Sounds great, Mom. We’ll talk soon then, k? Thank you for calling, it’s always such a good start to my week.”
The moment I click “end” on my phone, I drop it on the counter, let out a frustrated wail, and stomp my feet.
“Whoa! Everything okay?”
A startled, high-pitched scream bursts from my lungs as I turn and come face-to-face with the gigantic, tattooed, muscled mass of a man in a leather jacket. His long hair is combed back and pulled into a ponytail, a few stray strands falling around his face, his beard thick and scruffy. To a stranger, they’d assume this big bad wolf would be here to eat them alive and use their bones as toothpicks, but his soft emerald-green eyes give away that he’s really just a bunch of gooey melted chocolate on the inside.
“Dammit, Reid! I think I just peed my freaking pants! For fuck’s sake!”
“I thought you heard the bell. I didn’t mean to scare you. Then you screamed and I thought you were hurt so I came running back here.”
“Not hurt. Not physically at least,” I sputter, rolling my eyes and walking into the café area. “Parental bullshit. They want me to marry Levi so that Charlotte is being raised the ‘proper way,’ with both mommy and daddy in the same house,” I confess, my tone dripping with condescension. “Oh! And they’re holding Bean Haven over my head to get me to comply.”
Reid rubs the back of his neck as he walks to the front of the counter so I can take his order and get it started. He’s been best friends with Liam’s older brother, Sawyer, since Sawyer was in college. A few years ago, he opened up a tattoo shop a couple blocks up the street from me called Rogue, and pops in a few times a week to satiate his sweet tooth and get a coffee fix.
“I know something about difficult parents, pretty sure I’m the poster child for doing the opposite of what they envisioned for me.”
“What, lawyer daddy not proud of his tattoo artist, motorcycle-riding, tattooed-from-neck-to-toe son?”
“Somethin’ like that,” he says, fairly sheepishly. “We just need to live the life we want. We’ve only got one of them and it’s a privilege to wake up every day.”
“So wise, big guy. But I’m in the mood to burn shit down. I’m so over being fucked with. Anyway, your usual?”
“Please. We starting any new projects this year?”
Over the last two years, Reid has completed my floral sleeve and a large piece that curves from the very top of my thigh, flows around my hip, and comes up my side to cup under my breast. He’s so talented, and I wear them with pride. Even if my mother died when she saw my sleeve for the first time. It was worth it. It’s not like being covered in tattoos is out of character for me. My hair has been vibrant colors for years.
“Possibly! It’s always tempting and such a stress reliever.”
“You’re an enigma, not many people get tattooed and enjoy the pain part.”
“It’s not that I enjoy it.” I pause to think for a second. “Well, maybe I do, but it’s more like an endorphin release. Maybe I should look into acupuncture.”
I hand Reid his drink and he looks at me with soulful, sincere eyes. Not with pity, but concern for a friend.
“If you ever need to talk, I’m just up the road. And if you need an excuse to vent, just book an appointment and we’ll think of something.”
“You’re a gem, Reid. Now, get outta my shop and get back to work!”
He laughs as he walks out of the door and more customers squeeze in. I glance at the clock and count down the hours until I can go pick up my little girl and spend the afternoon with her. As much as I love being at Bean Haven, I’m craving being surrounded by her little ray of sunshine.