6. Hannah
CHAPTER 6
hannah
Three little words ring through my head, and I have to close my eyes briefly to center myself.
I’ll marry you.
Lucid dreams are a thing, right? I think I remember reading about them at one point. This seems like a textbook case because there’s no way I just agreed to marry my best friend. This is Liam for fuck’s sake. There is zero mystery between us, except for the obvious.
As my eyes flutter open, Liam is still on his knees in front of me, my hand in his. I watch as he brings it slowly to his mouth, his eyes never leaving mine as he kisses the spot where a ring would sit. It’s something so simple, but he makes it so intimate. A shockwave flows through me, and as though my heart has never beaten for another person before, it finds a rhythm that makes it sing—beating rapidly, my chest rising and falling harder.
What the hell is happening right now? These feelings are coming out of nowhere and I seriously need to get my shit together if this is going to work. What the fuck even was that? I hold out the bottle in front of me and look at it. Goddamn tequila. Why do we always have to go straight for the tequila?
“We’re really doing this?” I ask, breaking the tension suspended between us.
“Yeah, we’re really doing this. You ready to date the shit out of me, beauty? Cause this is gonna go fast. We’re gonna give everyone something to talk about.”
I laugh because what else am I supposed to do? This is sure to get me what I want, my parents will probably die of happiness when they find out, the patriarchal assholes.
“So, how is this supposed to work?”
He moves off the ground to sit next to me on the couch, not bothering to put space between us. Something I wouldn’t have even noticed before, but now . . .
“We’re going to date. And in a few months, we’re going to run off and get married.”
I swallow another swig of tequila, feeling the warmth of the alcohol flowing through my veins. Tomorrow morning is going to be a bitch.
“You think it’s that easy?”
“Han, be real. You don’t live under a rock. You run Bean Haven for fuck’s sake, which is like town central. You know there’s rumors about us. There’s always been rumors.”
He’s not wrong, as much as I’ve done my best to ignore them. I can’t stand that people think that a man and woman can’t be close friends without having a sexual relationship or one of them hiding their secret love for the other person. Bear and I have been best friends our entire lives and the rumors have followed us for just as long. Even our parents made jokes when we were younger about an arranged marriage. Which is honestly pretty funny given the current situation.
“Okay. So, as much as I hate to breathe life into them, I hear what you’re saying. People will believe it and I don’t think much even needs to change. What about the logistics? I don’t want to confuse Charlie.”
“Nothing changes in front of her. I don’t want to do anything that would confuse or potentially hurt her. I’d die first, Han.”
My heart warms at his statement because I know it’s the truth. He has loved her just as much as I do since the moment she was born.
“Alright. That’s easy enough then. I mean, you’re practically here all the time anyway, and you already help so much with her.”
“Exactly. Now ask me what you really want to ask, beauty. I see it turning over in that pretty little mind of yours.”
My cheeks flame with heat but I meet his eyes straight on, not backing away from this.
“What about the physical stuff? We need rules in place.”
“People aren’t going to believe it if we aren’t physical at all, Han. You’re a smart girl, you know that.”
Shit. I know he’s right, but I also know myself, and that will turn my brain into a hormonal, confused, tangled mess. It doesn’t matter how desperate I am to be touched, that can’t come from my best friend—that will muddle everything.
“So, we definitely need rules then.”
“What rules would make you feel better?”
How is he so calm? He seems almost . . . excited. I look at the bottle of tequila again and try to remember how much was in it before we started because it’s the only explanation for everything happening right now. I say the first thing that comes to my head.
“Only touching in public when we need to. Simple touches, holding hands . . . that kinda thing. And no touching . . . you know . . . intimately . ”
“Intimately? What are you a sixth-grade sex ed teacher? Do you mean no sex, Hannah?”
My face pales because of his words and the thought of sex, period. Something I haven’t had in quite some time. And the last time was devastating to my ego and emotional state.
“I’m hurt, Han. You don’t want me? I’m your fiancé!”
I smack him in his big stupid chest for making fun of me. Levi and I were hot and heavy before I got pregnant with Charlotte, but since he moved to Seattle, it’s been strained. While he never made me feel desired or wanted, it was better than nothing that he wanted me enough to use me to get off, even if he didn’t care about my pleasure. I was just desperate for affection and took whatever I could get. But nothing has happened since the last time he was here. I couldn’t put myself back in one of those situations again. The last time crushed me.
I know that I’m touch starved, using my vibrator only takes the edge off, and that’s after I’ve held off so long, I feel like I’m going to erupt. What I really want is to feel someone wanting me in a way that I’m now wondering if I’ve ever even felt before. Something all-consuming, life-shattering.
The last time Levi and I had sex was after a huge fight. I used it to try to smooth things over, to try to reconnect with him and show him that I wanted him to come around more, that we could be a family. After he fucked me, using me as a vessel for a quick lay, he abruptly stood up, looked down at me, and told me I was pathetic. I haven’t tried since.
“You’re an ass. That would be a terrible mistake and you know it. Sex is off the table. No touching. That’s our rule.”
“Fine. No touching, except light touches when needed in public. What about kissing?”
My head jerks back and I look at him like he’s crazy. “What about it?” I ask with a little more shock and attitude than probably necessary .
“I may have to kiss you, Hannah. You are my fiancée, after all.” His voice drops, no longer filled with teasing, his eyes flicking to my lips. My tongue darts out and swipes across them in response, and for the first time in my life, the thought of kissing Liam crosses my mind.
And it doesn’t sound bad at all.
Shit. I really am touch starved.
He moves closer, his eyes heavily lidded and pupils dilated as his palm rises to my face, pushing my hair out of the way and tucking it behind my ear, barely a whisper of a touch. My breath hitches as he lays his warm hand against my cheek, and I jerk back at the contact.
“Bear, knock it off. We said no touching.”
“Han, with the way you just flinched away from me, it’s clear you need to get used to me touching you the way a husband touches his wife.”
My mouth falls open because I never thought I would hear those words come from his mouth. Shock hits me first, but then a surprising part of me, a part that I don’t want to dissect right now, wants to know exactly what it would feel like to be touched the way a husband touches what’s his. He reaches his hand back up to repeat the action and I slap his hand away.
Shit. He’s good. This must be how the women fall at his feet. Warmth pools at my center, my body prickling with anticipation. He’s nailed his moves. Liam exudes confidence, sexual prowess that I’ve never been on the receiving end of before. That explains it.
And the tequila.
“I know how to act, bear, trust me. Don’t forget I’ve been with Levi for the last five years. I’m the best actress that ever lived. I can act with you, too.”
Liam’s eyes squint as he leans into my space, his lips next to my ear, his breath tickling me as he speaks. “Beauty, if you were with me, there would be no need to fake a goddamn thing.”
My skin breaks out in goosebumps as he pulls back, flipping open the lid to the pizza box and pulling out a slice like he didn’t just successfully leave me hot and bothered.
And confused as fuck.
I wake up with a jolt, the alarm of my phone blaring obnoxiously next to my face, where it fell out of my hand as my body finally gave in to sleep not long ago. I sit up slowly, bracing for a wave of nausea, the room swaying for a second before steadying. My head is pounding thanks to last night’s tequila marathon, and my dry, gritty eyes protest as I force them open in my dark room. Last night was near sleepless, my mind racing, spinning on its own axis and out of control. None of it truly seems real, just a drunken hazy memory of something that couldn’t possibly have happened to begin with.
Forcing myself out of bed and into a hot shower, I wash, albeit sluggishly, and then step out to dry off and blow dry my hair. After getting through my morning routine and pulling on a pair of jeans and a Bean Haven T-shirt, I check on my sleeping baby girl before starting my long day.
I feel the tension in the pit of my stomach that never seems to leave anymore as I pull myself together to sneak downstairs through the interior door that leads directly to the bakery, body operating on autopilot. Pulling out all of my ingredients, I get started on the goods that keep driving everyone into my little shop day after day, slowly waking up in the process. I lose track of time as I let myself go to the same routine I follow every morning—mixing ingredients, rolling out dough, scooping batter, in the oven and out, rinse and repeat, all while watching my daughter sleep right above me on the baby monitor, the soft tunes of Third Eye Blind coming from my headphones.
The revelation of Levi’s secret life in Seattle shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, but the weight of it sits like a bomb in the pit of my stomach. What is wrong with me and Charlie that kept him away from us? That made him not want to be a family? My emotions warred with each other all night as my body fought off the effects of the tequila, and this morning isn’t any better. While I realized I wasn’t in love with Levi a long time ago, I’ve been living in this never-ending cycle, trying to force a square into a round hole. We share a child, why wouldn’t we share a life? And if Levi doesn’t want me, then what now?
His new life cements a new fear. He and I won’t ever be anything, so where does that leave my daughter? Just the thought of her traveling back and forth to live with him and his new girlfriend and child—a child that is technically her sibling—makes me anxious, and I don’t know if my heart could take it. It would be an entirely different feeling if he played an active role in her life and we simply didn’t work. But Charlie doesn’t know him. He’s never made it a priority to create a relationship with her. Would I be expected to share custody with him? Would he even want that? He doesn’t care about her now, so why should I even worry about that?
The back of my mind is also acutely aware of the icing on my shitty life cake, that my parents have threatened to sell Bean Haven if I don’t settle down and get my shit together. Even if Liam thinks he’s found the cure to all of my problems, all I can see right now is that my life is literally crashing and burning around me in a rapid blaze and no matter what I do, how hard I work, or how much effort I put in, it will never be enough for anyone. The saddest part of it all? I don’t even feel the heat of the flames anymore.
My alarm goes off, reminding me to open Bean Haven, so I wash my hands of the sticky dough and pull out my headphones. Flour coats my apron and while I would normally take it off and hang it up to make myself more presentable for customers, this morning, I just don’t have it in me to care.
When I get to the glass door, I’m not surprised to see people waiting, even though it’s five in the morning. The sun is peeking through the thick cloud cover today and I have to squint as it reflects off the snow-covered sidewalk. Doing my best to stifle a yawn, I unlock the door and hold it open for Wes and his wife Lily to walk in, followed by Liam’s good friend, Officer Owen Hopkins, who must be coming off of his night shift.
“Hey, you two!” I greet Wes and Lily. Their relationship is still a little shocking to everyone, considering Wes is her ex-boyfriend’s dad and all. But honestly, I called it way before it happened. The way that man looked at her was anything but innocent.
“Hi, Hannah. Are you still selling pumpkin spice lattes by any chance?” Wes asks.
“I’m sorry, I’m out for the season. I promise they will be back in September. Is there anything else I can get you?”
“Black coffee for me, and a caramel latte for Lilith.”
“You got it.”
While I make their coffees, I can’t help but admire the way Wes holds onto Lily. His arm is wrapped around her waist, keeping her close to him, like her touch gives him everything he needs. She is so clearly smitten with him that she just exudes happiness. I guess when you’re loved the way you need to be loved, why wouldn’t that show outwardly?
After handing them their drinks, they head out as Liam is walking in. Butterflies take flight in my stomach because it’s the first time I’ve seen him since our agreement last night. I need to speak with him alone to see if it was all a fever dream or if it really happened.
He’s wearing denim jeans with his tan boots and a jacket, a backwards Aspen Ridge Distillery hat, and looking effortlessly put together like we hadn’t polished off a bottle of hard alcohol last night, the big jerk.
“What up, Owen?” Liam says to Officer Hopkins, giving him a fist bump. The two of them have been friends for years, and when Owen decided to be a police officer, it was an ongoing joke that he’d no doubt have to arrest his friend at some point, with all the crazy shit the Hayes siblings get themselves into. Especially as of late.
Liam walks around the counter and my breath seizes in my lungs as I watch him take purposeful strides in my direction. What the hell is he doing? He’s a man on a mission, and he slides his big hand around my waist, confidently pressing my body flush with his. I inhale deeply, breathing in the intoxicating scent of burnt sugar and oak.
His lips press against my temple and my eyes close briefly, enjoying such an intimate hug, my brain signaling the rapid sendoff of happy hormones. Fingers deftly toy with the tiny space where my shirt ends and my jeans begin, lightly touching the bare skin with skillful fingertips. My breathing is shallow and ragged, but I feel a calmness wash over me that is associated with and so specific to him. All my worry and anxiety, all of it washes out into the abyss as he holds me close and forces my senses to hyperfocus on him—his delicious woodsy, sweet smell, the feel of his fingers, the warmth of his big body, the sound of his steady heartbeat. Peace.
Owen coughing loudly into his fist snaps me out of this spell and my spine straightens. Liam pulls back just enough to look at me, but my eyes are stuck on Owen, trying to gauge his reaction. Liam’s fingers make contact with my chin, gently tilting my head back to him and I go willingly. Mother above, what is happening?
“Eyes on me, beauty. How was your morning?”
I can’t help but smile brightly at him, although I’m confused as fuck. My body and brain are not on the same page. Abort! I need to put space between us, stat. This is Liam for fuck’s sake. I can’t be so desperate for physical affection that the first time I receive any, I’m a lost puppy begging for more. Am I truly that starved for attention? I inwardly cringe and squirm, suddenly not feeling confident in my own skin as I can’t imagine what a desperate mess I must look like to him. Taking a deep breath, I answer his question with a well-practiced smile.
“I’m exhausted but it’s been a good morning. How are you?”
“Better now.” He smirks. “Charlie still sleeping?”
“Yes,” I reply, slightly breathy.
“Either of you assholes going to tell me what the fuck is going on right now or are you going to continue to pretend I’m not here?” Owen says and we both snap our attention back to him. Slapping Liam’s chest hard, I try to push him away, but he doesn’t budge. Instead, he holds his grip around my hip steady and jerks me back into his big-ass body.
“Good morning, Owen. I’m sure you’re tired. Your usual?” I ask, hoping like hell he isn’t going to ask questions.
“Yup. But you’re not going to get out of telling me what’s happening right now. It’s freaking me the fuck out.”
“Hannah and I are dating?—”
“—It’s nothing,” Liam and I say in unison.
“It’s not nothing. She’s just worried about what people are going to think. Isn’t that right, beauty?”
Liam continues to move his fingers back and forth on the tiny strip of bare skin at my lower back and it’s distracting as hell, the bastard. He’s playing dirty and successfully screwing with my already-fucked-with head.
“Hmm?” I ask, not hearing what was just said past the sound of my blood rushing in my ears unable to focus on anything other than that slow glide of his fingers, back and forth, back and forth.
“You’re shittin’ me right now. You two finally got together? Well, shit. Who knows?”
“Honestly, man, we’ve been keeping it to ourselves for a while now. We haven’t wanted to make an announcement of it. You know how people are,” Liam says resolutely, like this is the easiest thing he’s ever had to do.
“You idiot, you need to tell people, you know how many people all have bets on this?”
I nearly choke on my saliva, now firmly back in reality. I’ve heard the rumors, but bets? I internally die over the fact that I’m proving their point that a male and female can’t be as close as Liam and I are without having some type of feelings. Ugh. Kill me now, please.
“Can you keep it PG in public though, don’t want Hannah to be arrested for her second offense.”
I shoot Owen an evil glare, narrowing my eyes at him.
“Try to keep it to yourself for a bit, huh? We still need to tell our families. It’ll spread like wildfire as soon as Han tells Ms. Nettie,” Liam states.
“Fucking right it will. Everyone three towns over will know.”
I roll my eyes and move away from these idiots to pour him his coffee, Liam’s hands falling from my waist, the cool air replacing his warm touch. Handing the to-go mug to Owen, I don’t release it after he reaches for it .
“It’s on the house, but some discretion for more than five minutes, please?”
“Only cause I’m happy for you two. Keep her, Liam, it’s about time you got your girl,” Owen says as he turns and walks away. His statement makes me freeze in my spot. About time? When I turn around, Liam has moved to the open doorway that separates the bakery kitchen from the actual shop and is bracing himself on the door frame, hands above his head, stretching out his body slightly. His brown Carhartt jacket is unzipped and hanging open, and a formfitting white pocket tee lifts up, exposing the area right above his jeans, a barely noticeable happy trail disappearing below his belt.
Shit.
I may need to find a one-night stand because there is no way that I’m being turned on by the same man who has held my hair back while I puked into bushes after a drunken night, whose truck seats I stained when I bled through my tampon, who has seen me give birth and cleaned up all the lovely birthing juices from my kitchen floor. For fuck’s sake, with those thoughts, it’s a wonder he wants to marry me at all. At least I don’t have to worry about him wanting me in a sexual way, with all the bodily fluids he’s seen come out of me, I’m sure I’ve scarred him for life.
“Like what you see, beauty?”
“Oh, shut up, bear. What was that?” I chastise him.
“Me being your boyfriend. Don’t act like you weren’t into it.”
“I wasn’t. It’s acting, you dink hole. Remember? We’re playing pretend.”
I’m starting to wonder if this is a good idea at all. This is going to no doubt crash and burn with the rest of my dumpster fire life and then I’ll truly be alone.
“This is stupid, right? We were drunk last night? ”
He lets go of the frame and walks right up to me, combing his fingers through my hair and holding my face to look up at him. My heart does that weird thing in my chest again like I’m about to have a heart attack, but more fluttery?
“Listen to me, I’m not about to stand by and do nothing while you lose everything that you have worked hard for. If you need me to stand behind you, I will be whatever you need me to be so that you can prove you’ve got this.” He pulls gently on my hair to make sure I’m listening before continuing, “So, get out of that pretty little head of yours. Let’s make this work so you can give a huge fuck you to Levi and your parents.”
“Okay,” I agree. How could I say no when he puts it like that?