8. Hannah
CHAPTER 8
hannah
My alarm goes off before I’ve even had a chance to fall asleep. I spent the entire night staring at the ceiling thinking about the state of my life and knowing I need to make some decisions to move forward on the path that’s right for me and my daughter. Levi and my parents be damned.
Tying my hair up into a messy bun, I take a quick shower, knowing I need to get my ass moving. Throwing on a pair of ripped denim jeans, a Goo Goo Dolls concert T-shirt, brown ankle booties, and my pleather jacket, I walk into the living room to find Liam sleeping sprawled out on my couch.
His large body is way too big for the tiny space, and without thought, I take out my phone and snap a quick picture. His face is calm and relaxed, his breathing extremely shallow. Actually, it’s hard to tell that he is breathing at all. Suddenly, nerves skate down my spine, I move to the side of the couch and watch his chest and the lack of normal rising and falling. What the fuck? His arm falls off the edge, dangling lifelessly, body way too relaxed.
Standing to face him, panic starts to take over. Leaning over his body, I rest my hand on his chest, my face less than a foot away from his. I hold my breath, focusing on feeling his pulse. After thirty seconds or so, I feel his strong, steady heart beating beneath my hands, and his chest starts to rise slightly.
“For fuck’s sake,” I huff.
Just as I start to pull my hand away, his snaps out, coiling around my wrist and holding it there. The quick reaction scares the fuck out of me, my scream echoing through the small room in an ear-piercing startle.
“Morning, beauty. Coping a feel? All you had to do is ask. I am yours now,” he says with a wink, his voice steady and wide awake.
“You asshole, you were already awake!”
“Got ya.”
“Ugh! You’re so annoying! Payback is gonna be a bitch, big boy. Sleep with one eye open,” I reply, trying to pull my wrist free and stand up straight. Instead, he pulls me harder, causing my body weight to slam down on top of his.
My eyes go wide as his squint heavily, both of our breaths coming in quick pants now.
“Wh-what are you doing?”
“Saying good morning to my fiancée, what’s it look like?”
“Bear, don’t call me that.”
“Why’s that, beauty? That’s what you are.” His voice is a breathy whisper as he leans forward, dragging his nose along my jaw, causing goosebumps to break out over my skin. My eyes flutter closed as I suck in a quick breath.
For fuck’s sake why does that feel so good? His free hand moves to my waist, barely touching my body, but enough that an electric zap shoots through me. My body jerks slightly at the sensation, and what I feel next has me jumping off of him and pulling away. Standing up straight, I brush my hair out of my face, trying to compose myself .
“Put that,” I whisper yell while pointing at the steel rod that’s in his pants, “away. Right now. What the fuck is in there? A tree trunk?”
“Why don’t you come find out for yourself?”
“Ha! You’re such a dink.” I pick up one of the throw pillows and drop it over his lap with a little force, causing him to wince and grab his junk with both hands. Shit, you’d need both hands to handle that thing.
“Quit messing with me, or next time I’ll be sure to make it hurt,” I threaten. “Now, Charlie already knows you’re going to take her to school today but I’m going to close Bean Haven and take care of some things.”
Liam sits up on the couch, his forehead creased in confusion, and looking at me like I’ve grown horns.
“What?” I spit. “What’s the problem?”
“I don’t think you’ve ever closed Bean Haven before.”
“Yeah, well, I also have never had my boyfriend-slash-baby daddy have a secret life in another city before, or fake date my best friend either, so, looks like I’m just all about new things now!”
“Han, don’t say it like that.”
“It’s the truth. And I need to see it for myself. Glutton for punishment and all that. So if there is any way you could please get her from school today, there will be no chance I will be able to drive back before two to do it myself.”
“Let me call Dallas or Sawyer, or hell, even Carter, I’m going with you.” Liam stands, tossing the blanket off to the side and pulling on his jeans that were thrown haphazardly on the chair next to us. I watch his strong, muscular legs disappear into them as he pulls the denim over his hips and zips up. My hair bounces around my face as I shake my head clear of the thoughts. I need to get my shit together .
“Love you for it, but that’s gonna be a hard no. I’ve got to do this myself.”
He looks at me, stoney and resolute, but he knows I won’t back down from this.
“You’re right. You’ve got this. Call me if you get arrested again. Don’t need your dad pissed off when I have to tell him I’m marrying you.”
“For fuck’s sake! Why can’t everyone let that go? It was one time! Who doesn’t want to steal a street sign that says Booty Street when you’re sixteen? It’s funny!”
“Hey,” he says, his voice taking on a more serious tone, “you’ve got this. You’re strong as fuck and he never deserved you. Hand him his balls, baby.”
My head bounces back slightly because he’s never called me that before. He drops a quick kiss to the top of my head before walking past me to the kitchen without saying another word, leaving me flustered once again.
By the time I get to Seattle, any trace of sadness I felt over this situation has completely dissipated. All that remains is a scorned woman who wanted nothing more than to protect her child. If Levi wants to be Father of the Year to his new child, so be it. But he needs to make a decision about his role in Charlotte’s life and stick to it. A nagging feeling in the back of my head tells me that there’s going to be a long fight ahead of me either way. Bring it, asshole.
Parking across the street from his apartment, I take a moment to think through how I want to play this. A huge part of me wants to go in guns blazing and set him and his house on fire but the other part wants to see what he’ll do if I act like I don’t know a damn thing. But he has to know Liam wouldn’t keep a bomb like this from me.
Fuck it. Let’s light this shit up.
I slam my Jeep door and march up the stairs to pound my fist against the big, ugly green entrance, waiting for Levi—or whoever the hell could also be living here—to answer it. Just as I’m about to knock again, the door opens, Levi’s dumbass self looking back at me in surprise.
“What are you doing here, Hannah?”
“Hi to you, too,” I say as I duck beneath his arm that he’s braced against the doorframe and walk into his apartment. “Why, yes, I would love to come in, thanks for inviting me.”
The entryway leads to a small open-concept living space, a sleek kitchen off of that, and a set of stairs leading to the second story off the main room. It’s decorated with a large black leather couch and matching industrial looking coffee and end tables. There’s zero art on the white walls, but the fireplace is a nice touch. It’s all very modern and . . . sterile . I would be so unhappy here. It’s clear he never learned to clean up after himself because soda bottles, wrappers, and used plates litter the coffee table, complete with an Xbox remote lying on one of the cushions as if I interrupted his game. I do a quick spin, taking it all in with a disgusted look gracing my face.
“Mommy and Daddy helping you pay for this place or is the fishing paying you that well?”
“Always with the bitchiness, you wonder why I stopped fucking you.”
“Oh, no biggie, I’m being thoroughly well fucked,” I lie. “You could at least hire a maid if you’re pulling in the dough,” I mock as I knock a sock off the back of the couch.
Levi hasn’t left his spot at the front door, his arms crossed tightly over his chest as he watches me walk through his space for the first time, his stare angry and pinched. I’ve always been so busy with Bean Haven and raising Charlie that we relied on Levi to come home to visit us. I guess now I know why he never invited us up here. The second family and all.
I take in the man I’ve been tied to for the last eight years, and it dawns on me that I don’t know him at all anymore, if I ever did. We started seeing each other off-and-on our senior of high school, then took a break when I went to college with Liam, and since he was home when I dropped out, we just fell back into the same pattern. We were never in love with each other. The room never lit up when he walked into it. I’ve never had butterflies when he looked at me or even touched me.
He’d been my first real relationship—if you can even call it that—and while he holds so many of my firsts, looking at him right now, I feel nothing but disdain and disappointment. Was there a time I wished he would race home at the end of the day to be with me and Charlotte? Of course. Do I lay in bed at night and wish someone held me tightly wrapped up in their arms? More times than I’d like to admit. Do I use my vibrator a few times a week and pretend someone else is ravishing my body? Making me feel desired, worshiped, just fucking wanted ?
The more I think about it, the more it hits me that it was never him that I wished for. It was just the absolute loneliness of my circumstance that made me find myself desperately wanting those things. But not with Levi.
“So, who is she?”
He doesn’t even flinch, expression blank and fucking dead. Was he always such a pathetic piece of shit and I was just too blind to it?
“Figured your little dog would run and tell you, always such a loyal fuck.”
“Oh, he’s a good fuck alright,” I quip without missing a beat .
His eyes flash to mine, finally an expression. I don’t even feel the slightest bit ashamed that I’m letting him think such a thing. That’s right, asshole. Fuck with me.
“Finally got to fuck you, huh? He’s only been trying for a lifetime. Too bad you’re washed up now. He knock you up, too? Only reason he’d continue to fuck your sorry ass, Hannah, don’t be an idiot.”
“I’m not a fucking idiot, Levi! You’re the daft piece of shit with a second life over here in Seattle. You think I’d never find out, you pig? Liam says she’s pretty far along. Must be close to her due date. Hmm.” I tap my finger on my chin patronizingly, pretending to think hard. “That means she must be at least what? Seven? Eight months along? At least, right? Wait, didn’t you just fuck me a few months ago?”
“Shut the fuck up, Hannah!” He steps forward and I slip my hand into my jacket pocket, firmly grasping the mace Liam gave me to carry for whenever I leave the safety of Aspen Ridge.
“What’s your plan then, huh, you fucking tool? We share a child! Does she even know about me? About Charlotte?”
His eyes squint, and I release a maniacal laugh.
“Wow. Just fucking wow. So, what? Just going to ignore your responsibilities like you have been? Charlie doesn’t even know who you are!”
“Because of YOU!”
I take a step back like he slapped me.
“Wh-what do you mean because of me?”
“I stay away because I don’t want to deal with you. All you do is nag and bitch and complain. You used to be fun, a decent enough lay when I was bored. Then you got pregnant with her and turned into an uptight bitch who stopped putting out. The last time I fucked you, I meant what I said. You’re pathetic, Hannah. You’ve always been pathetic.” I’m stunned silent as he takes steps in my direction. “I’m not like the other girls,” he mimics the voice of a teenage girl, “I’m different. Edgy. I love spooky shit and baking all goddamn day.” He stands directly in front of me now, picking up a lock of my violet-colored hair and looking at it with disgust before dropping it like it burned him. “Enjoy Liam while you got ’em, ’cause once he’s gotten his fill of your used-up pussy, he’s gonna run for the hills just like I did.”
I blink away the tears threatening to spill over at his words. Fuck him. Fuck this. His opinion of me doesn’t mean shit. Whatever.
“Fuck you, Levi, you lying, cheating, piece of shit. And don’t you ever touch me again or I swear to God it’ll be the last goddamn thing you ever do. You have a week to tell her about Charlotte or I will hunt her down and tell her myself. Especially the part where you stuck your shriveled up dick inside me while she was here carrying your child. Figure out how you want to proceed with Charlotte, or I will happily take your ass to court.”
I push past him and storm out of his stupid-ass apartment, stomping all the way across the stupid-ass street to my Jeep. I drive the three and a half hours straight through, and it’s not until I’m safely in my bedroom that I let myself cry.
I snuggle into my body pillow and allow the waves of sadness and fear to crash over me. Levi managed to hit me where it hurts, filling my head with already-present insecurities and pulling them to the surface. How did I end up here? These are supposed to be the best years of my life and I’m living them like a zombie, barely functioning through the days, working long hours, focusing on raising my daughter as a single mom, and holding onto a relationship that has been nonexistent for a very long time. I was just too stupid to see it.
I held on to Levi because it’s what I already thought I had. I settled. Desperate to create a family for my daughter when that’s all I wanted for both of us. Maybe my parents are right, I’m burning out and there’s no way I can sustain this way of living. I just wanted to have a little family for my daughter and didn’t want to be alone.
But here I am, feeling more alone than ever.