Chapter 4
Chapter Four
VIVIAN
Matty falls asleep barely five minutes into the drive home. As I wind down the mountain road, the bright moon slipping in and out of view through the trees, I try to release the tension in my shoulders. I knew it would be hard to avoid Everett tonight, but I didn’t expect him to grab me like that. Or for my thighs to clench together while my heart jumped into my throat.
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Am I just really hard up?
Okay, yes, he’s hot. He ticks practically every box. Tall. Broad shouldered. Killer smile. Deadly in that navy suit. I’m no longer impressed by a man in uniform, but he looks pretty fantastic in his. He even smells good. Like pine and pepper.
How can I even be entertaining the idea that I’m into him?
He’s. A. Cop.
That’s a non-starter for me. Not after being married to one for six years. Not after watching the job destroy the man I fell in love with and turn him into someone I can’t even look at, let alone trust.
So, what is actually going on here ?
At least there was no awkward conversation. Everett let me go, then vanished. Like he couldn’t wait to get away from me.
Then why did I feel his eyes on me all night? I think I even caught him once.
Maybe it’s time to get a vibrator. I can play out whatever’s got me so worked up in the privacy of my own bed. Alone.
The single-wide’s walls are thin, but I can be quiet.
Once I get home, I coax a sleepy Mateo from the car. He’s getting too big to carry, but I manage to lift him up. He rests his cheek on my shoulder and drapes his arms around my neck. The Meadows is quiet, the other units dark. Most of my neighbors are older, though there’s another single mom on the far end of the park. Both of us are too busy to chat, but we wave when we see each other.
Cradling Mateo with one hand, I manage to get the door unlocked with the other. Inside, the night light plugged into the wall casts its pale glow across the blue shag carpet leading into the kitchen slash living room. It’s stuffy inside after the warm day, even with the box fans running. I kick off my shoes and lock up, then carry Matty to his room. After navigating his train set taking up most of the floor space, I pull back the covers and help him change into his pajamas. With a huge yawn, he curls up with Walter, his favorite Squishmallow.
“Night, bug,” I say, and kiss his forehead.
“Night,” he mumbles.
I make sure his window is open to let in the cooler night air, then return the way I came into my room and change into pajama shorts and a tank top. Washing my face and brushing my teeth in the little bathroom doesn’t help settle my restless energy, so I grab my phone and pad down to the couch, click on the lamp, and pull my current knitting project from the basket on the floor. My phone lights up with a text from my sister as I’m queuing up my downbeat lounge tunes.
You still up ?
I set my knitting aside and call her. Because of the time difference, we’ve only talked sporadically since she left for Europe.
“Hey!” she says, her voice bright with enthusiasm. Traffic whooshes in the background, and I imagine her walking London’s busy streets, coffee in hand. “How was the wedding?”
My thoughts skip back to Everett’s arm around my waist and the way I practically panted as I stared him down. “Beautiful. And fun.”
“Aren’t you home kind of early?”
“Early for you, maybe.”
She laughs. “We’re not talking about me. Come on, weddings are supposed to be romantic.”
Oh, McKenna. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
She sighs. “Can you blame me for secretly wishing for some hot billionaire cowboy to sweep you off your feet?”
I cover my laugh so I don’t wake Matty. “‘Billionaire cowboy?’ You’ve been reading too many romance novels.”
“Maybe you should read a few. I’ll send you some recs.”
Hmm. Vibrator + fictional hot billionaire cowboy might work just fine. “How was your show last night?” I ask.
“My god, Vivi, the crowd was incredible. It was like playing in a church. They were so… I dunno. Reverent . Just listening to my songs, like they cared. And the acoustics.” She releases a happy sigh. “I’m already dreaming of when I can play there again.”
Longing to be with her, to be one of those fans she so appreciates, tugs at me. “You doing okay for money?”
“I’ve got it covered.”
During my divorce, she made me promise to stop putting money into her account. It’s time you took care of yourself for once , Vivi. I’m okay.
I wonder if she’s getting paid for this gig, or if this is another “I’m all about the adventure” kind.
“Are your companions behaving themselves?” I ask.
She scoffs. “Uh, no, but what did you expect?”
“Doug hasn’t tried to come back, though, right?”
“Yeah,” she sighs.
“Kenna,” I warn.
“I know, I know. Don’t fall for the narcissistic drug addict. Sometimes I miss him, that’s all. He could be really brilliant. And sweet.”
He also stole from her and made a fool of himself at her biggest show last winter. And when he was down on his luck, which was often, he dragged the rest of the crew down, too, and that’s not a battle my sister needs to fight.
“Crazy idea, ready?” she asks.
I smile. “Ready.”
“The tour ends in Bavaria. Why don’t you and Matty meet me there? I guess they have this thing called a Christmas market and it’s supposed to be pretty magical. We could go to other cities too. The train system is slick.”
Buying two tickets to Germany is so far out of my budget. “That would be so fun.”
“I would set everything up. Just think about it, okay?”
She sounds so grown up. I blink back the emotions stinging the corners of my eyes. When Kent and I divorced, she was so relieved I was free that she cried.
“Okay.” I can’t break it to her that I already have. My priority is paying off my divorce, then I plan to save for a place of our own in Finn River. Our little six-hundred-square-foot mobile home has been a great landing pad, but I want Mateo to have a place to bring friends over and a yard to play in. I also wouldn’t mind a guest room. McKenna has only visited once since we moved here, and while I’m fine sharing a bed, it’s not a long-term solution.
Kenna and I talk a little more, but I mostly soak up her descriptions of her travels. The band she’s touring with is a bigger name in Europe than in the U.S., so she’s getting some experience playing for bigger crowds. I’m a little envious of her big, wild life right now, but it makes me happy knowing she’s having fun and seeing the world. When we were little, money was always tight, but we used to pore over Great Aunt Gwen’s National Geographics, daydreaming of exotic places we’d go someday. I’m glad at least one of us is able to tap into that dream.
After we say goodbye, I decide against the playlist and pick up my knitting, my mind saturated with thoughts of travel and adventure. What would it be like to get on a plane and go someplace like Germany, for fun? How cool would it be to step off the plane and see my little sister’s giant smile? We could eat schnitzel and take the train and stay in some cheap but cute little hotel and tell each other “ danke schoen ” like in that old song.
Maybe it’s worth considering?
Though I’m not exactly rolling in the cash. Out of principal, the only thing I’ve used Kent’s child support for is to help pay off my divorce. Once that’s done next year, I’m not sure what I’ll do with that monthly five hundred dollars. I’m certainly not using Kent’s dirty money to buy a house. McKenna thinks I should create a college fund for Matty, but even that feels like a line I don’t want to cross. What if it someday comes out that Mateo’s tuition was paid for by bribes Kent took from the thugs he now calls friends?
Maybe there’s a way to earn some extra money so a trip to Germany doesn’t set me back so much? Back when I was in nursing school, I did bench work in a lab a few days a week. It was pure drudgery, but it helped pay the bills.
A glow from headlights washes through my living room, the low purr of the engine cutting the silence. I glance over my shoulder, but the car has already passed my unit. The Meadows is close to the highway, but because our entrance road dead-ends, we don’t get any through traffic.
I stifle a yawn and set my knitting back in the basket, then go to the back door to make sure it’s locked. Red taillights glow from the unit at the end of the opposite row, but the car is idling in the middle of the road. Our little community down here is pretty tight, and I don’t recognize the car. Somebody probably took a wrong turn .
I peek into Matty’s room, then continue into mine.
Because Ava is in Lake Louise enjoying her honeymoon, Sepp and I are in charge for a week. As a PA, Sepp can handle most of the patient load. Dr. Boone is on standby.
“How was the rest of your weekend?” Sepp asks as we breeze through the front door. Our receptionist Lisa gives us both a quick wave from behind her desk.
“Very low-key, which was great. We went to the park. I baked cupcakes.”
Sepp’s eyes brighten.
“Don’t worry,” I say, lifting the grocery bag in my hands. “I brought extra.” I set my tea next to my computer and Sepp heads for his station next to it. “How about you?”
“Hudson and I hiked up to Little Bear Lake. Then we barbecued at Mom and Dad’s.”
I slip my purse into the bottom drawer of my desk. “The weather was so perfect.”
“Next Sunday, you guys should come meet their new puppies.” Sepp rolls up the sleeves of his striped dress shirt. “I’d love to get Mateo on horseback, too.”
Sepp talks about his family enough that I’ve pictured them all gathered around a giant table at mealtimes, passing food and teasing each other. Sepp is adopted, yet he only refers to June and Nelson as “mom” and “dad.” His brothers are adopted too, but he never calls them “foster” brothers. It makes his invitations especially hard to turn down because his family must be pretty amazing. But since I learned that Sepp’s older brother Everett is a cop—the same cop I met that night of the blizzard—I can’t seem to say yes.
It's starting to wear on me though, because a part of me longs for the kind of warmth and belonging Sepp describes .
The clinic door opens, and Dr. Boone’s gruff voice fills the waiting area as he greets Lisa.
I glance at Sepp, who’s head is cocked.
“I didn’t think he was coming in,” I say under my breath.
“Me either.”
Dr. Boone steps into the clinic area. He’s mid-sixties, with pale blue eyes and thick dark hair, streaked with gray at his temples. He looks as fit as ever. Maybe retirement has given him more time for his mountain adventures. “Howdy, strangers.”
“Hey, Dr. Boone,” I say. I still have mixed feelings about him but try not to let that show. He’s a wise and compassionate physician, but he wasn’t always easy to work for.
“Howdy,” Sepp says with a smile. “You know we don’t have any patients for you, right?”
“Right,” he says, nodding. He’s carrying a laptop in a soft case in one hand and a leather briefcase in the other. “I’ll just be close by if you need me.”
Sepp hurries to open Ava’s office door. “You can set up in here. I don’t think Ava will mind.”
“Sure,” Dr. Boone says, following Sepp inside.
When Sepp comes out, Dr. Boone shuts the door behind him.
“It’ll be fine,” Sepp says as he breezes by me, his brows knit together.
“I’ve got your back if it isn’t,” I say.
Dr. Boone once made a jab at Sepp about what he called his “lifestyle.” Sepp shrugged it off, but I told Dr. Boone that he was out of line, and I wouldn’t stand for it. Though Dr. Boone apologized, those last few weeks before Ava took over the practice were tense.
Sepp gives me a wink.
I log in and get to work. There’s lab work to coordinate and file, phone calls to make. When I’m caught up, I take a few minutes to research job postings. I start at Cal State’s website because it’s how I found my last side gig, but there’s nothing with a remote option. Then I check Western Montana State, the closest four-year college to Finn River. I find one posted by a physics professor and earmark the page so I can apply later, maybe after work. I try one more spot—Bitterroot Community College. Though it’s smaller and not a research facility, it’s local.
“You won’t find any CE’s at Bitterroot,” Dr. Boone says, making me jump.
I spin around in my chair. I don’t need any CE’s—continuing education credits—until next fall. “I was looking for something else,” I say.
My computer gives the soft chime that lets me know my next patient is here, so I stand up and grab my tablet.
Dr. Boone gives me a quick once-over, but I step past him and head for the waiting area. I clear my head with a measured exhale. Dr. Boone is only here for a few days. It’ll be fine.
Thanks to the start of school, we are running all day. I get barfed on—twice, send a very sick kiddo to the emergency room, and juggle an anxious new mom having breastfeeding trouble with a steady stream of newborns needing immunizations.
So by the time I pick up Mateo, I’m so looking forward to a hot shower that I almost miss the small, padded envelope waiting for me against our door.
Mateo snatches it up, his blue eyes sparkling with curiosity. “What is it?”
My cheeks burn when I read the return address. Wow, that sure got here fast. “It’s for me, bug. Something boring, promise.”
“Aw,” he says with a playful little pout.
We step inside and I tuck the package into my room. That night of the wedding, after I talked to McKenna, I went online to research vibrators. Not only was I floored to discover so many options, but the author of the blog made the art of getting oneself off sound so normal .
Is it, and I’ve been missing out?
“How about a snack?” I tell Matty. “Cheese and crackers? ”
Matty cheers from inside his room, where I’m sure he’s already working on a new train route.
That night, after Mateo’s asleep, I finally get up the nerve to open my package. The little toy is so tiny and sleek. I close my eyes and think of Everett’s big hands on my waist and his sexy scruff and his mouth. A shiver travels down my thighs.
Tonight, I’m getting this rough and ready cop out of my system, once and for all.