Chapter 16
Nic
I pace through my living room.
“Jesus, Nic. Can you please sit down? You’re making me nervous.” I’ve summoned Derek for emergency emotional support.
“I fucked up so badly.”
“Tell me what happened already.” Derek wasn’t born yesterday. He knows that Avery drove me home from my sister’s party. But I’m still going to have to say it—because he probably can’t believe that I would do such a thing. Two days ago, I wouldn’t have believed that about myself either.
“I slept with her.” I sink into an armchair. “I slept with Avery.”
“Oh, Nic.” Perhaps Derek didn’t see that coming after all, because he sounds genuinely shocked.
“But the worst part of it—” My voice shoots up. “Is that I don’t regret it, because it was so amazing.” I still get goosebumps all over when I think about my night with Avery.
“You slept with Avery Hall,” Derek exclaims. Maybe he finds it hard to believe because of who she is—and who I am. “But she’s your client.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “That’s my reputation and my career down the drain.”
“Oh, fuck, Nic.” He covers his mouth with his hand. “I can’t believe this.”
“I really fucked up,” I repeat, because it can’t be repeated enough.
“What happens now?”
“First of all, she’s no longer my client. I can’t see her again, neither professionally nor socially.” I sink a little further into the chair. “And I need to decide whether I report myself to the California Board of Psychology.”
“What happens if you do?”
“They will investigate, and I will surely lose my license.”
“And if you don’t report yourself?”
“Then I keep my license, but… not reporting is not really an option. I made the mistake. I should be punished for it.”
“Isn’t how you feel punishment enough?” Derek is such a compassionate man—and the best friend a disgraced psychologist can dream of.
“It’s about honor. Although it’s not just about that. If I don’t report myself, I have to live with the fear that someone else could report me.”
“Who is going to tell, though?”
“Avery. I mean, not directly. She’s not going to file a complaint against me with the board, but she might tell her friends or, quite possibly, her new therapist, who would have to report me. It’s what I would do.”
“Surely, you can contain this.” Derek rubs his fingers against his carefully groomed stubble.
“It’s not about that. I made a mistake. The least I can do is own up to it. Be held accountable.”
“You can’t lose your practice, Nic. You love your job. What about your other clients?”
“I know. There’s no good outcome. Which I should have known before inviting Avery Hall into my house.” And my bed.
“Why did you do that? It’s so not you.”
“Why?” I say on a sigh. “I don’t know.” I shrug.
“All I know is that she made me feel something I haven’t felt since Lois died.
And how she is, how she speaks and carries herself, reminds me of Lois so much sometimes.
It’s kind of like she shook me awake from this long hibernation of grief I’ve been in.
That, and she’s so spectacular.” My lips spread into a small smile.
“I don’t even remember how many times I’ve watched Queer Girl Summer. ”
“She was, without a doubt, the belle of the ball.”
“It’s hardly an excuse, though.”
“Maybe not, but what she made you feel is.” Derek leans forward. “That’s a huge deal.”
“Yeah, but… it’s impossible, so.”
“With Avery, yes. But look at it this way.” He holds me in his gaze. “If you can feel that spark with Avery, surely you can feel it with someone else as well. Maybe it just means you’re ready.”
“I didn’t feel it with the firefighter,” I deadpan.
“Maybe you’re a cougar now.” Derek grins. “How old is Avery?”
“Thirty-five.” She most certainly didn’t make me feel like a cougar.
“I’m not one to judge, darling. Ben is fourteen years younger than me. What’s a few more years?”
“She’s such a top,” I say, because Derek lives for details like this. “She completely overwhelmed me. In the best way possible.”
“If circumstances were different,” Derek asks. “Would you want to sleep with her again?”
“Hell, yeah.” I’m dying to find out what Avery’s like with a strap-on. In fact, even the notion makes me squirm in my seat. “Honestly, I might even fall for her.” Not that I would ever expect that to be mutual.
“But you can never see her again?”
“Not for two years, at least.” I lean my head back.
“It was so good, Derek. So unexpected. So… healing for me after Lois. It’s a hard thing to let go of, because she made me feel so alive.
She’s such a delight. But, let’s be honest, the only reason she even slept with me is because I’m her therapist. She would never have noticed me otherwise.
I am self-aware enough to realize that.”
“You can’t know that.” Derek paints on his warmest smile. “As your best friend, I can attest to how big a delight you are as well.”
“Still, it was wrong. There really are no two ways about it.”
“I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”
“You can’t tell anyone. This needs to remain a secret.”
“That goes without saying.” I’m not sure exactly how much Derek and Ben share. He might tell his husband, but my trust in Derek extends to his spouse.
Derek heaves a sigh. “Do you know what you’re going to do?”
“I know what I have to do.”
“Sleep on it, Nic. For more than one night. And call me when you’ve made a decision. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Thanks.”
“And don’t forget to look on the bright side.” His smile is still warm and even a little comforting. “At least you felt something.”
I nod.
“Avery fucking Hall,” Derek says, shaking his head. “For a minute there, I thought Ida and Faye had plans to take her home.”
“If only they had,” I say, wistfully. “And I hadn’t drunk all the champagne.”
“At the very least, at our age, we still know how to party.”
“And what a party it was.” I sip from my water.
“And afterparty,” Derek says, because he’s always good for a joke.