Chapter 26
Nic
How am I waking up next to Avery Hall again?
But I just have to look at her sleeping form to know—to feel it in every fiber of my being.
Sometimes, the choices we make—no matter how life-changing and huge—are not conscious ones.
They’re made on a whim, like my decision last night.
Although I can hardly still call this a whim. It’s so much more than that.
It’s the way she disarms me with a joke when I’m about to get too serious. It’s how she walked into this whole thing without flinching. And it’s the simple, devastating truth that I’d rather risk everything than miss out on this fire between us.
Of course, Avery is movie-star gorgeous. But it’s the unguarded version of her—her mouth full of f-bombs and a swagger that could never be scripted—that floors me the most. She may be a movie star to the world, yet to me she’s the woman I’ve fallen for insanely hard.
Avery’s lashes flutter and then she blinks at me, a slow smile curving her lips as if she can’t quite believe I’m actually here.
“Hey,” she says, her voice deliciously rough with sleep.
I brush my thumb across her cheek, unable to stop myself, and for a moment it feels like we’re the only two people in the world. If only we were.
She shifts closer, tucking herself against me as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Her warmth seeps into me and I can’t remember the last time I felt so at ease in someone’s arms.
“Morning, sex addict,” she mumbles into my shoulder, and I can’t help but laugh at how unfiltered she is straight out of sleep.
“Careful,” I tease, brushing a kiss against her hair, “or I’ll make it a full-time job.” I’ll have plenty of time for that soon enough.
She lifts her head, eyes still heavy with sleep but already sparkling. “Then maybe today we should try doing something other than having sex. To see if we also like each other with clothes on.”
“Whatever will we do, though, if we can’t leave the house?
” I almost can’t believe how much I want her again.
How much I want to use that toy that gave us so much pleasure last night on her.
But she’s right. That we’re sexually compatible has already been established.
That we have chemistry for days is a given.
But all we’ve had is sex—and therapy. We need to know what else is there.
“Did you have plans for today before you rushed over here in a sex-crazed stupor?” Avery really can’t get enough of goading me—and I can’t get enough of her doing it.
“I barely remember what day of the week it is.”
“I’ll take the blame for that as well.” Avery brushes her lips against my cheek.
“If it’s Saturday, I have dinner with my sister tonight.” I huff out some air.
“My agent, you mean?” Avery smirks at me. “Surely you can bring me to such a cozy family dinner.”
Thinking of Leslie drops me straight back into reality. After Derek, she will be the first person I tell. It’s hard to predict how my sister will react, but it will be a good litmus test.
“Not yet,” I dare to say. I might as well now. “What are your plans?”
“Consider all my plans cancelled,” Avery says.
“You don’t have to change your day for me,” I lie, because I want to spend every minute of it getting to know Avery better.
“A hike with Stella before lunch, and tonight Sienna’s doing something for Justine at this Korean restaurant none of us can get enough of.”
“Min-Ji’s?” Even my sister has trouble getting a table there these days. I can only dream of eating there without securing a booking months in advance.
“You know it?”
“It’s definitely no longer Los Angeles’s best-kept secret.”
“Justine is always a guest of honor there.”
I check my watch. “When’s your hike?” It’s a quarter past nine, not a time I would usually still be in bed, but this Saturday is hardly an ordinary one.
“Fuck the hike.” Avery rolls away from me. “The number of times Stella has canceled on me because of Silas.” She reaches for her phone. “She won’t mind me flaking out at the last minute.”
“What are you going to tell her?”
“No need for me to go cougar-spotting in the mountains because I already have one in my bed.” Avery says it with the kind of straight face worthy of ten Oscars.
I laugh heartily and it feels so good. Because the situation might not be ideal, but I’m no longer torn apart by ambivalence. I know what I want. I glance at Avery as she texts Stella, and there’s not a doubt left in my mind.
“You’re too much.” I pretend to gasp. “This cougar hasn’t even seen your new movie yet. Can we watch it?”
“Wouldn’t you rather watch Queer Girl Summer again?” Avery puts her phone away and turns to me with a big grin on her face.
“I feel like I’m in it,” I joke, because the mood has taken a turn toward the silly.
“Queer Cougar Summer, then,” Avery says.
Not since Lois has laughing with someone felt so effortless.
“That would be a good sequel. Older women need more representation on the screen.”
“Are you volunteering for a part?” Avery shuffles dangerously close again. “I know the director. I can put in a good word for you.” Her lips find my ear. “I will tell her all about your extraordinary skills.”
Her whisper sends a shiver down my spine, and before I can summon a clever comeback her mouth is on mine again, as hungry and insistent as last night. So much for spending the day doing something else—because with Avery, every plan seems to start and end in bed.
When I lounge by Avery’s pool, naked because I had no reason to bring a bikini, I can’t help but feel as though I have stepped straight into the Queer Girl Summer universe. The sun soaks into my skin, and despite the turmoil in my brain, my muscles hum with deep satisfaction.
From the kitchen, I hear the clatter of pans.
At least for a little while longer, the world beyond these walls doesn’t exist. There’s only sunshine, the glint of the pool, and the knowledge that Avery is cooking me brunch.
It’s indulgent and unreal, but isn’t that what falling in love is supposed to feel like?
Because I am falling in love. I’m also giving into it because, quite frankly, I don’t seem to have another choice. I wouldn’t be here if did.
“Your breakfast is served, Madam,” Avery calls.
I slip into the oversized T-shirt she left me and make my way to the shaded table under the porch. Waiting there are two plates with a poached egg perched on toast, topped with guacamole, fresh salsa, and a sprinkle of cilantro.
“I’m already impressed,” I say as I sit down, “and I haven’t even tasted it yet.”
“I can’t disappoint my cougar.” Avery flashes me a grin.
I might have to chat with her about the cougar references, even though I used to tease Lois with being much older than me as well. I can hardly hold it against Avery now just because I’m the older party—Lois most certainly never did.
I take a bite and it’s like an explosion of the most delicious flavors in my mouth. “Wow,” I say. “Even better than that very special dish you served last night.” When I sit this close to her, my body can’t help but thrum with excitement—and the memory of that toy is still extremely prevalent.
“I’d better give up acting and open a restaurant then,” Avery deadpans, and I fall in love with her a little more. “You did say I should charge for my excellent services.”
“I’d love to take you to a proper restaurant,” I muse—out loud. “Take you out, I mean.”
“Shall I make a reservation when I’m at Min-ji’s tonight?” Avery’s gaze on me is warm but also a little inquisitive. “It takes so long to get a table there, maybe by the time of our booking, we can go out together.”
“Is that what you want?” I ask—I have to. “To go out with me?” That I want to date her is a no-brainer, but that she would want to do the same with me is, in my opinion, far less obvious.
“You have to ask?” She tilts her head, a crooked smile tugging at her lips, as if the question really is too absurd to ask. The certainty in her voice is so unshakable, it makes the chaos in my head go quiet for a few moments.
Perhaps I didn’t have to ask. Because there’s what we say with words and then there’s what we say in all the other ways we speak.
Avery came to me last week. She kept my secret.
She just made me breakfast. All of that might still leave plenty of room for ambiguity, but that’s also a big part of falling in love.
The insecurity. The never fully knowing despite the delicious interpreting of clues.
The most delightful guessing game in the history of humankind.
Is she into me? I have no doubt Avery’s into me. It’s hardly the issue here.
I shake my head and, under the table, her foot finds mine. She rubs her ankle against mine and the touch of her skin, also, tells me everything I need to know.
“Can I ask you something?” Avery looks me in the eye.
“Anything.” I take another bite of the dish she prepared, wondering if it tastes so good because she made it for me.
“Are you scared?”
“Hm.” I take a beat. “Yeah. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can guess and the guess is not a pretty scenario but, in the end, I don’t know because I can’t predict the future.”
“If there’s anything at all I can do to help, you have to tell me, Nic.” She gives a small nod. “I’ll talk to anyone you need to convince that this is completely consensual.”
“There might be people who want to talk to you,” I say. “Thank you.”
“It’s the least I can do.” Avery drops her fork.
“Do you feel guilty?” I ask.
“It’s hard not to.” She leans back in her chair, and our feet lose contact.
“I’m very good at not thinking about stuff that’s too difficult to deal with, but this is different.
This is your life.” She finds my gaze again.
“Your life that I want to be a part of, even though I’m well aware of the cost.”
I let her continue.
“I hate that you have to give up your practice for me.” Avery’s voice does tremble now.
“Unfortunately, it’s an all-or-nothing situation.” I take a moment to breathe around the pit in my stomach. “But the fact that I’m here, with you, tells me it’s worth it.” I may say that—and I mean it in this moment—but only time will tell whether that’s really true or not.
“What will you do?” Avery asks.
“You were going to get me a part in the Queer Girl Summer sequel.” I can’t believe what I’m saying. Deflecting with a joke is such a classic Avery move. “Or is professional cougar a viable means of employment these days?”
Avery goes very still, not reacting to my silliness at all. She clears her throat. “If you need money, I can help.”
The sincerity in her voice makes my chest tighten. I don’t need Avery’s money, but the fact that she’s offering moves me deeply. No one has tried to take care of me in a long time.
“That is very kind of you to offer.” I lean toward her and reach for her hand.
“But I’ve made plenty of money.” And Lois left me more than enough when she died, teaching me the most valuable lesson of all: love is worth so much more than all the money in the world.
I’d give everything I have, including my practice, to have Lois back.
Out of nowhere, a tear wells in my eye. I wipe it away with my napkin.
“I do know how much you charge,” Avery jokes, but her smile doesn’t come close to reaching her eyes. She squeezes my hand gently.
“Yes, I’m scared and, yes, I do feel foolish for doing this, but…
there’s something inside me that compels me to be with you so strongly, I can’t resist it and…
this is going to sound even more crazy, but…
I think it’s Lois. I mean, not really her, obviously.
I’m not that far gone. But the fact that I lost her.
That I know what it’s like… how crushing it is to lose your person.
I think that is what is subconsciously compelling me to take this crazy leap with you.
Because you make me feel something that I’ve only ever felt with her.
With the biggest love of my life. I can’t ignore that.
Then, I would really be a fool.” Tears rain down my cheeks.
Avery rises from her chair and pushes mine back.
The position is awkward, but she curls her arms around my neck and holds me as close as she can.
I cling to her for a few breaths, letting the commotion inside me settle against the warmth of her body.
“What I’m trying to say,” I murmur, “is that I know what this is. And I can’t turn away from it. I know what I’m doing.”
Avery settles back in her chair but drags it closer to mine. She takes my hand in hers and turns to me. “What was she like? Lois?”
Five years down the line, I can think of my late wife with tenderness again instead of only the sharp pain of grief.
“She was a force of nature.” I try to look Avery in the eye, at least for a moment.
“She didn’t bother with a sentence if it didn’t have at least one f-word in it.
” I sink into my chair, clinging onto Avery’s hand.
“She was fearless. Perhaps, too fearless. She was loud and very present in a room. And stubborn…” I still roll my eyes at the memory.
“But she was also generous. Kind. She loved me… with such abandon.” There goes another tear rolling down my cheek.
“And it was completely mutual.” I take a moment.
“She was the worst driver in the world, I swear to you. She should not have been allowed a driver’s license, in my opinion.
But before her crash, she’d never even had an accident.
Nothing. Never a scratch on the car, so I didn’t have a leg to stand on when it came to that.
Until…” I take a shuddering breath. “She crashed. The impact was so big, she must have died instantly. That’s what I was told, anyway.
That she didn’t suffer. That she died the way she lived, flying down the highway. ”
“I’m so sorry, Nic.” Both Avery’s hands cover mine.
“I know,” I say between shallow breaths, “that she would want this for me. This thing between us—she would want me to explore it.” I manage to expel a deeper breath before continuing.
“More than anything, I know that Lois would want me to find love again.” I peer at our hands—at Avery’s strong hands covering mine. “It hasn’t happened… until now.”
Avery’s eyes are moist as well. “If this is what it feels like,” she says. “If this is what it means to you.” Her voice is but a whisper. “How can anyone ever think it’s wrong?”
If only it were that straightforward.