Chapter 10 #4
He meticulously licked the paper, then rolled his eyes.
“So what? What the fuck does that mean?”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I screwed up,” he confessed.
“So you didn’t have a reason to do it?”
I sat down on the steps with my arms crossed next to him, stifling more shivering. It was really starting to get cold.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Did you regret it? I can tell juvie did you good—”
James slid his tongue between his teeth, then he got close to my ear, disorienting me.
“You think you understand everything, but you don’t know what I’m capable of,” he whispered slowly.
“Why does everyone love you if you’re so bad?”
I watched the lighter flame illuminate the darkness surrounding his profile.
“You think that?”
“Yeah, I do. Will and Jackson would do anything for you. You know that.”
James narrowed his eyes as he took the first few breaths of poison.
“Jasper thinks the world of you too. Not to mention the girls—”
I pursed my lips before I could add anything else. But he looked at me; clearly my words set him off.
“Come on, let’s talk about it. I’m dying to know.”
“Well, there’s not much to talk about. You know that . . .”
Why did he want to hear me say it? He knew that the whole school loved him.
“What should I know? That everyone wants something from me?”
“Oh please, maybe you’re the one who doesn’t want to give them anything more.”
James kept breathing the smoke in so greedily that it almost seemed like it was oxygen to him.
“So then what would someone do with someone like me?”
I burst out laughing at the idiotic thing he’d just said. “What makes you think you don’t deserve anything else?”
“Look, don’t start with this fucking psychoanalyzing. I’m complicated, but so are plenty of others.”
“Yeah, but what do you solve by just going to bed with them? What do you get out of it?”
“Fun, maybe?”
“It’s temporary.”
“You’ve never had sex, White, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I shook my head. “Sorry, but what do you know about what I’ve done?”
Biting his lip, he started to laugh.
“It’s written all over your fucking face.”
Maybe he meant that as an insult, but I knew that there was nothing wrong with being inexperienced.
“Besides, what’s the point of being together with someone if you don’t feel anything for them?” I continued.
“It’s all a lot easier for guys, whereas you girls aren’t like that. I still don’t understand if you lie to yourselves or just others.”
“Sorry, what does that have to do with it? People try to build a relationship based on trust and respect before sex.”
“You’re talking about friendship, princess. You know that, right?”
This path was dangerous, and James was more observant than I wanted to believe. I was referring to Will, and he understood that.
“It’s much better for a relationship to start out as friendship and then develop into love than a relationship just based on physical stuff,” I said, then remembered that the friends-to-lovers trope wasn’t my favorite genre either.
“So it’s better for us to fool ourselves? Is that what you’re saying?” James looked at me, confused.
“No, I didn’t say that. If someone likes you, you’re together, full stop. You’ll see whether it’s love or not, right?”
“Ah!” He started laughing, coughing out the smoke still trapped in his lungs.
“Now I get it, White. Listen, I wasn’t talking about you.”
I suddenly froze.
“Most human relationships are like this,” he added. “We all want something missing in us, and we look for it in others. What leads you to have a relationship? Did you ever ask yourself that?”
He stopped briefly to smoke after that question. I saw him repeatedly fidget with the joint.
“Humans are social creatures, it’s normal that it would be that way,” I retorted, shrugging.
“It’s often just a give and take.”
“So are you telling me that love and friendship are nothing but a transaction, James?”
I watched him with a raised eyebrow, almost shocked by his cynicism.
“In theory it shouldn’t be that way, but in practice it is.”
“But love should be an unconditional feeling.”
“You just answered your own question. It should be but isn’t. Never. Not even our parents are capable of it, let alone strangers.”
His words didn’t have even a hint of hesitation.
“You think people use you, don’t you?”
“It’s mutual. I’m not complaining. Could you prove me wrong, White?”
“I can’t speak for the others, but take me for instance. What do I get?”
“You know that having me here makes you feel safe.”
Busted.
“Meaning?”
I watched him take the last few hits with a hard look and clenched jaw.
“Meaning if that asshole Austin tries to come near you again, I’ll kill him.”
I was speechless for a few seconds.
“But you don’t get anything out of that.” I turned around, and he was staring at me. “Think about it, James.”
“Maybe you satisfy my instinct to protect someone.”
“So much so that you’d protect anyone?”
“I never said that.”
“So then why do you protect me?”
Our gazes overlapped then moved to each other’s lips.
“You’re going down a slippery slope, princess.”
“As if you didn’t like danger.”
My voice diminished into a weak whisper. James leaned his head back. I held my breath again; I couldn’t do anything else because he bit his lip seductively.
“Fuck, I like danger, but this is too much, even for someone like me.” James blew the smoke onto my parted lips before pulling back.
Too much? Was he talking about betraying Will’s trust? Of course he’d never do that, and neither would I.
Why’d my brain turn to mush whenever I was around him?
“But your argument holds no water. I didn’t give you anything in exchange.” I corrected him with conviction.
“People always return the favor.”
I turned bright red for no reason and probably made a goofy face. James burst out laughing.
“Hey, chill, Snow White. I’m joking. You don’t owe me shit.”
I saw him look right then left, examining every corner of the street. “Knowing them, they won’t come back tonight.”
The evening was so eventful that I’d almost forgotten about those criminals. Up until an hour ago, I was scared to death, but James managed to help the fear go away in his own way.
I put my head on his reassuring shoulder, and then his fingers fiddled with the shreds of my jean shorts while his thumb absentmindedly fell on my bare skin.
“But now . . .”
I kept quiet while he increased the contact, making it even more intimate. His warm hand wrapped around my bare thigh. He traced tiny invisible circles on my skin with his thumb, sending a wave of shivers over me.
“. . . you better go to sleep.”
“James.”
“Trust me. It doesn’t end well here,” he hissed gruffly.