Chapter 40
June
I spent around a half hour staring at the ceiling in my room.
William was inconsistent. He had continuous mood swings and as much as that could just be who he was, it was highly probable that I was screwing up somehow. Was I? It was probable, but from Will’s end he didn’t seem motivated to explain. He just disappeared.
Again.
He wasn’t at school, so after trying to text him a pathetic How are you? I stopped trying to reach out. There was a major possibility that he didn’t like me that much, so why get my hopes up?
And the less he reached out, the less I thought about him.
My gut said not to throw in the towel because there was something behind all the radio silence, but what was it?
“Honey, heat up the pasta from yesterday. I’m going out to eat.” There she was, heartless April who magically pounced on me with terms of endearment.
“With whom?”
I looked at the door where I saw my mom looking nicer than usual in a black pencil skirt and a blouse.
“Melissa. A former colleague.”
Sure, Melissa. Melissa the forty-something guy who was father of the year.
“Mom, speaking of going out, have you and Jordan seen each other again?”
She blinked; her eyelashes curled with mascara.
“No, absolutely not. Why?”
“You’d tell me if there was something between you two, right?”
She adjusted her messy chignon, and her eyes lit up when she heard his name. “June, it’s just work. I told you,” she answered curtly, fighting with the clasp of her bracelet.
“I’m not saying this out of selfishness—if you want to date someone, you’re more than welcome to anyone except Jordan Hunter.”
“It’s just a professional relationship. What are you worried about, June?”
I watched her come sit next to me.
“I know you haven’t dated anyone since . . .” I fidgeted with the cuff on my sweatshirt.
“June.”
Of course we didn’t talk about it.
“I meant after dad.”
“Men just ruin your life.”
“Dad didn’t ruin yours.” I pursed my lips. I felt hurt by that unfortunate comment.
“June, I didn’t mean that. It’s just that I wouldn’t be in the right headspace to get into a serious relationship right now anyway.”
“How do you know when someone wants something serious?” She stared at me attentively.
“I’m asking for a friend,” I said sarcastically as I sank into my shoulders, embarrassed by the fact that I was really asking for relationship advice from the woman who’d given birth to me.
“Well, it’s more complicated for adults, but in your case, you don’t need a boyfriend.
You don’t need anyone. You have your whole life to waste time chasing after one, just enjoy being this age without forcing things.
” My mom had never given me a single piece of useful advice, but now that things were so confusing with William, I was even ready to listen to her perspective. Was I really that desperate?
“People fall in love a million times at your age, they suffer, they spend sleepless nights waiting for a text or phone call, until you find out an upsetting truth: What you felt wasn’t love.
It’s not worth throwing yourself into a million new experiences that’ll only waste your time and cost you your self-esteem. ”
“You’re telling me to not live my life, you do know that. Right, Mom?” And here I felt guilty for being the more selfish one.
“No, I’m just telling you not to dive headfirst into something when there aren’t any strong feelings involved. If you fall in love, well, it’s different in that case.”
“But how do you know when you fall . . . well, yeah.” I was asking for a friend, obviously.
“You wouldn’t be asking me that if you were in love. You’d know, and that’s that,” she finished before leaving the room in sky-high pumps that I’d never seen her wear.
Had she really gone shopping without me?
But most of all, did I have to end it with William? The situation wasn’t going anywhere.
“Ah! Remember, you’re tutoring Jasper at six thirty,” I heard her yell from the kitchen.
Great, even more trouble just around the corner.
I rode at a leisurely pace that afternoon next to the pretty houses and gardens illuminated by the golden sunset.
James had warned me not to come to his house again, but did I care? Of course not. I asked him for one simple thing: to not screw with me at school. If he didn’t have any intention of treating me with even a little respect, I didn’t see why I had to put up with his choices.
Jasper waved to me from the front door as I leaned my bike against the wall and looked cautiously behind him. He led me to the kitchen, all proud of himself, and showed me his math notebook.
“Hey. Are you alone? Did you already do your homework?”
I looked at him expectantly, hoping he’d answer that he did it yesterday. He didn’t say anything.
“Okay, let me see,” I said.
I didn’t remember middle school math being so easy. A few years ago it seemed like a jumble of numbers and formulas, but now everything was much clearer.
“Everything’s right, Jasper. Bravo.”
He made a sly grimace. It was his way of smiling. I was starting to get to know him now. Jasper pulled the hood on his hoodie up and motioned for me to follow him to the living room.
“Because I’m only here to play video games with you,” I commented sarcastically.
Jasper handed me the controller, looking serious.
“We have to study. Let’s study for a half hour and then play video games for a half hour,” I suggested.
But my suggestion didn’t last, because Jasper shrugged, pointing at the stack of already-finished homework.
“And since you already did your math homework, I guess we can just play video games,” I said, giving in.
It wasn’t a full smile, but for a second he stretched his lips, and that was enough to reveal the same dimples that his brother had.
We sat down on the couch. As he set up the game and controllers, I tried to explain what I couldn’t tell him yesterday.
“Sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to say that I have to come here. Sometimes I say things without thinking.”
Jasper turned around to look at me.
The resemblance was uncanny at first glance. The cheekbones and thin nose were the same as James’s. Jasper’s lips were a bit thinner, and his eyes were round, unlike his brother’s, which were narrower.
“And I’m sorry that I fought with your brother. I didn’t want to raise my voice, but he’s so—”
Jasper clenched his jaw and sulked. I made it right by saying the first thing that came to mind.
“I mean, it was also my fault. I started it.” Jasper nodded when he heard me change my tune.
Right, never mind your family members, it was my fault. With that, we spent over an hour playing video games until we heard a thud at the front door.
My back stiffened just like Jasper’s.
Luckily, James ignored me. He walked down the hallway without even going through the living room. I breathed a sigh of relief, but there was no longer any trace of the expression that I’d worked so hard to put on Jasper’s face.
“Do you wanna keep playing?”
He looked at the stairs.
“Wanna eat something? It’s past seven.” I was trying anything to put him in a good mood.
Jasper looked pleased with my suggestion, so we went to the kitchen and he grabbed a bag of microwavable popcorn.
“Do you know how to do it?”
He lowered his chin, then glanced hopefully at the stairs again.
“Jasper, what is it?”
I couldn’t pretend any longer when he looked to the side. I understood.
“Do you want me to talk to him about it? Really?”
It would’ve been easy to ignore the imperceptible gestures that Jasper was making, just like his facial microexpressions, but I saw him nod so resolutely that I didn’t have any way out. “Obviously homework’s so easy for you,” I pretended to whine, pointing at the popcorn.
A shadow of a smile crept across his face when he saw me walk upstairs.
I walked up the steps in an exaggeratedly slow way, as if I was wishing to come back to my senses from one moment to the next.
A loud thud reverberated in the silence, startling me.
“James! What’s going on?”
“God fucking damn it!”
I saw him hopping around his room like an imbecile.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Damn it, I hit my elbow on the desk!”
He had cotton mouth and was mumbling. I didn’t see his head because it was still hidden in the T-shirt he couldn’t put on.
“My god, it’s seven at night, Hunter. You’re so embarrassing,” I remarked, watching him stumble.
“You sound like my dad,” he spat, still fighting with the T-shirt. I would’ve preferred to make him suck it up, but ultimately I decided to bury the hatchet and help him. I took it off his arms and removed it completely.
James jumped back. He stayed still and stared at me, wearing only a pair of jeans.
Do it for Jasper, I told myself as I stood, holding his shirt.
But as soon as I noticed that it smelled good, I threw it on the floor.
“You don’t have to pay to watch the show, White.”
“What show? A dumbass who can’t even take off his clothes by himself?”
He shoved my shoulders against the wall.
“What’s your deal?” It was totally different when I was alone with him. Just him and me.
I felt the heat of his thumb along my arm.
“You went back on our agreement, White.”
“So did you, Hunter.”
A silence followed. A strange silence. He never shut up, and he never let me have the last word.
“You should use that more.” I changed the subject, pointing at the punching bag hanging in the middle of his room.
James raised an eyebrow.
“You always end up on the receiving end of the punches,” I explained.
“Is that supposed to be a joke?”
“Up until now it’s been true.”
He backed away from me to sit on his bed. He slouched and put his elbows on his knees.
“I can’t fight back, don’t you get it?” he mumbled with a shattered sigh.
I stayed still so the distance would give me some room to breathe. “Why?”
“Because if I do, I’m screwed. I’ve already been to juvie. They’ll throw me right back in if I try to even—” His voice sounded insecure.
I used it to my advantage. “Why’d you beat up Brian Hood last year?”